My Fundoo Life!! Kindda boring but trying to make it exciting!!

I Bunked Office!

2010-12-01T22:53:00.002+05:30

This Monday when the entire world went to office i bunked work. And why did i bunk? Was i feeling the usual Monday blues...well maybe but then thats not the exact reason. I think the main reason was that monotony...the pain of following a routine. The pain of been a cog in the wheel..the pain of doing something every day without really understanding what value you are adding everyday. I think most of the working class suffers from this. And if you think I am wrong...well congrats to you. You are God damm lucky...hope your luck continues.

So when the entire world worked i drove down to my grandpa and grandma's place. It was a complete surprise visit. No prior intimation. No hint. And this type of visit has a charm of its own. Seeing me they were so happy...and i felt really glad. At least i have made two very old people extremely happy that day. How many of us can?

After lunch i started taking a walk with my grandpa. We remembered all the good times we had. I had a close look at the mango tree which i used to climb in order to avoid study. The pond where i learnt to swim is almost non-existant. The empty place of land just behind our kitchen where me and my grandpa used to play cricket is now full of Brinjal trees. The bamboo trees have grown in numbers...how i feared those trees in my childhood. My grandpa used to tell me ghost stories and those bamboo trees were as important character in most of his stories. The best story was the story of the "Petni" (female ghost). He told that those bamboo trees used to have these female ghosts. These "petni" used to trick human beings by laying the bamboo trees straight on the ground. And once you cross them the trees would carry you straight to the top. And the "Petni" will have you. Now you can say thats bullshit. But for a six year old thats quite a hell of a story. And worst of all...i even sometimes fantasized getting laid by these female ghosts. How stupid of me!

I really didnt want to leave the place. But had to go back in the evening. One of the very few productive days of my life came to an end.

Spending time with Jerry Mcguire...one more time

2010-11-24T00:27:00.004+05:30

The joy of enjoying a favourite movie at home when nobody is around is something, which few people can afford these days. I mean in big cities considering the high rental you pay for your flat,well it makes sense to have few people around to enjoy the roof over your head. Sounds stupid..isn't it?

Anyway i have this luxury. Too bad if you don't. And today i saw Jerry McGuire once more. This is a movie i love watching again and again. Why? Probably its because of that Black guy dancing and sayinf "Show me the money". Jokes apart...this movie always teaches me to keep your head high when evevrything is going against you. It inspires me to do those things once again, which i could never accomplish. And it teaches the importance of human relationship, friendship and loyalty in particular. But most importantly it makes you realize the value of passion.

Success consists of simply getting up one more time than you fall.

Completely lost in Kolkata!

2010-11-22T23:00:00.003+05:30

Its after a long time i have decided to restart my blog. What a lazy moron I am! My last post was in June 2010...and for the last few months I never cared to write...never cared to say all those things which i desperately wanted to share. This is criminal offence...this is not the way an aspiring writer should behave. But then i have my defence. I was always good at giving lame excuses and with time i have perfected the art. Last September i have relocated from Delhi NCR to Kolkata. And this decision is costing me dearly apart from the Rs 70000 i have spent in relocation. I wonder if this was the right decision I have made. When you stay far away from family, you really miss them badly. And after 6 years away from Bengal...well honestly i was getting homesick. And this influenced my decision. My wife tried to advice me against this decision but then who cares. I won't say Kolkata sucks as I have just spent few months here but well as far as my driving and the roads in which i drive inside the city...it sucks bigtime! And the politics...and the infrastructure...it sucks it sucks. Here we have a finance minister who donot know the difference between revenue and capital budget (just read a little about West Bengal financial health) and we have a CM in waiting who deserves to be in a mental assylum. And the current CM is power less...so powerless that he has lost control on his speech. He confuses film festival with fish festival! I am really lost in this city. And to add insult to my injury...well my wife stays away from me due to her new job...i get to meet her only over the weekends. Good thing is now i realize her value due to this forced seperation! People realize a person's value only at their absence...otherwise they are just taken for granted.

So whats my plan for future...i don't know. I have to hang on for a while. I have no other option. Only good thing is i have completed my long time dream of driving my own car in my hometown Haldia. Its a feeling which cannot be expresed. You get the feeling when you realize your dream. So I am trying to stick my neck out despite all odds. Lot of people say...well you are close to your family then why the hell you are complaining. Well...its true my home is just 70 km away from Kolkata...from Delhi it was 1570 km. But despite this I am yet to fall in love with this city. During my university days I used to come to Kolkata to buy books every alternate month. And i used to get awestuck seeing this city...the lights, the liveliness. I used to dream of staying over here. And now I am living the dream. But seriously I am not happy. Maybe its because my wife is not staying with me. Maybe its the stupid politicians of Bengal. Or is it the lazy culture? Or maybe its end of November but no sign of winter still. Only time will say. And till that happens I am hanging on trying to be positive. And I am constantly eating the rosogollas, jhal muri and phuchka and the rolls. As they say make hay while sun shines. You never know. I spent 6 years in Delhi but never saw the Red Fort. I dnot want this to be repeatedin K0lkata.

Amazing letter to Chidambaram! You must read it!

2010-06-09T23:05:00.005+05:30

From: angrywal@hotmail.com
To: hm@nic.in
Subject: Re Interview on NDTV Response from a member of civil society
Date: Wed, 19 May 2010 13:50:54 +0000
Dear Shri Chidambaram,

This is in response to your repeated taunts on NDTV that the civil society must respond to the wanton killing by the Naxals. It appears that the interview was tailor made for getting the consent of the Cabinet for more firepower and airpower to combat the Maoist. The diabolic support of Arun Jaitly, be it by describing you an injured martyr, was designed to achieve his ambition through the support of the mining barons of the BJP ruled states.As a member of society I hope I am being civil in disagreeing with you on your hard line approach against the innocent tribal,. I also hope you will not find it too shocking for being accused of being largely responsible for the rise and growth of Naxalism, as the following happened on your watch as Finance minister.Is it not true that Naxalism grew exponentially in the last ten years to become the present menace ? In fact you have yourself identified the time frame of the last ten years in your interview with NDTV.Is it not true that the rise in popularity of Naxalism is also coincidental with the rise in iron ore mining profits which increased from around Rs50 per tonne to over Rs5000 per tonne in the last ten years?Is it not true that the map of Naxalism is also the map of the Indian Minerals. These minerals belong to the people of India but have been handed over to mining barons and corporate in a relationship of mutual benefit, more appropriately described as crony capitalism. It is for this reason that Arun Jaitly is your staunchest supporter because the fate of four state government ruled by BJP is dependent on the money from the mining mafia..Is it not true that during your watch as Finance Minister for four and half years, corporate raked in a profit of over two lac crores through legal and illegal mining, mostly in the iron ore sector? How was this profit shared?Is it not true that during your entire tenure as FM the royalty on iron ore was not revised and remained at a ridiculous Rs 7 to 27/ tonne ( depending on the type and grade of iron ore) with the average of around Rs 15 per tonne.. This royalty was neither made ad valorem nor was it revised from year 2000 onwards when the international price of iron ore rose to dizzy levels.Is it not true that the minerals are owned by the people of the State? Is a meager 0.5 % royalty on iron ore profits adequate compensation to the owner of the resources? Would you sell your one crore property for Rs 50,000?Did your fulfill the oath that you took as a Minister to abide by the Constitution, in particular Article 39 (b) and (c) of the constitution which directs the government to use natural resources owned by the people of the country are used to subserve the common good?Would the Naxal problem have been there if 25% of the mining profit was spent on the poor and the tribal living in the mining area and whose life was uprooted by the greedy corporate/mining mafia with active connivance of the law enforcers and policy makers ?What prevented the government from nationalizing the iron ore mine industry and handing it over to a PSU or NMDC whose shares of Re1/- was lapped at a premium of Rs300(30000% premium) and using the profit for benefit of the people?Are you aware that even a resource rich and affluent country like Australia with a low population base is imposing an additional 40% windfall tax on the mining profits? Can a poor country like India afford to forgo these windfall profits?Will you reveal as to how many times you have defended public interest through PIL and how many times you have defended corporate interest during your professional career as a lawyer? The question is relevant because of your empathy for the corporate sector is in apparent conflict with that towards the toiling masses.Is it wrong for the civil society to conclude that both as Home Minister and Finance Minister you have been protecting the corporate profiteers ( by first allowing them to loot the mineral wealth belonging to the people and now securing these mines for them) and not protecting the interest of the poor and tribal people who are victims of corporate greed and crony capitalism of the political parties? You in particular should have known better having been a Director of Vedanta Resources!In your appearance on NDTV you talked about the two prong approach and one of them having been weakened. It is the prong of development which has been weakened and is non existent. The royalty collected is not sufficient to pay for the various types of direct damages done by the mining industry ( health, environment, water, roads, rehabilitation etc) let alone the cost of security forces.Is it not true that the killing of innocent security forces and tribal is the direct result of the policy of securing the mineral wealth for the corporate profiteers and political parties who share the loot?It was shocking to know that you were more concerned about your CV falling short by a few months of completing five years as Finance Minister when you met your maker) refer the NDTV interview) than about the blood of the innocent that has been spilled on both sides as a consequence of corporate profiteering..It is not surprising that all the State government which get reelected on the money of the mining mafia are interested in using air cover to make mining safe and profitable ever after. You should know better the role of money in elections after having managed to squeak past the post while the DMK MPs romped home with handsome margin. Mr Raja retained his portfolio!.What is at stake is the credibility of the State : that it is using force to benefit the mining mafia and that it has a vested interest in the profiteering of the mining mafia which is prospering because of crony capitalism.To restore its credibility the Government should resume all the mines which in any case belong to the people and give a solemn pledge that a minimum of 25% of the mining profits will be used for the benefit of the local people. The solution is not only just but one mandated by the Constitution. It is only after restoring its credibility that the State will have the right to act. That one hopes, will not be necessary because honest development based on the resources belonging to the people is the best contraceptive against the Maoist ideology .( One is happy to note that according to newspaper report the Mining Minister has made a similar proposal and not surprisingly facing resistence)What happened Mr Chidambaram, you used to be a nice guy? You resigned over the Fairgrowth affair when you were not even guilty.Life is not about arguing a brief in Court for money. It is about arguing for what is right. You have wrongly accused us being “clever nor being devious “ ( refer interview with NDTV), because we are not capable of it. We cannot argue the way you do. Your arguments in Parliament over the oil for food programme while shielding Reliance from being referred to the Pathak Committee were indeed “brilliant.” Were you being clever or devious in your arguments? ( Refer the book Reliance the Real Natwar written by the undersigned for deciding the issue) Please do not use the civil society as an excuse for your omissions and commissions. We have no vested interest except that what belongs to the people should go to the people and that innocents, whether the security forces or the people forced to join the Maoist, should not die for corporate profits.. We are not powerful to tie the State governments with legal cases on police excesses. Those trying to uphold human right violations do so at considerable risk to their life and liberty and deserve our respect and not condemnation as misguided romantics.On a personal note Sir, Will you resign and argue my PIL before the High Court involving three lac crores of iron ore being gifted by the State to Posco and Arcelormittal ( as Palkhivala did to argue the Minerva Mill case) . It will be difficult to lose the case because law, facts and most important you will be on the same side.If you agree to do so, Sir, I am sure He will give you far more credit than He would for the extra six months that you missed out as Finance Minister!In case you are interested I will send you a copy of the petition.Looking forward to hearing from you. For far too long you have been shifting the blame on the civil society. We too need answers..
With warm regards
A K Agrawal

Source: http://mediavigil.blogspot.com/2010/05/civil-societys-response-to-chidambaram.html

The writer of this letter needs to be appreciated for speaking the truth. There are two sides to every story. Media is not neutral and we need to be cautious and get to the bottom of everything. The root cause of all the problems in India is the deep corruption in the political system, which runs totally by greed. But then what much can you expect when an Italian runs the country. No Indian has balls big enough to run this country! Thats why we get useless people, past their expiry date as Prime Ministers! Thats why we get Bhopal gas tragedy. Thats why all critical clauses are removed from the Nuclear Liability Bill. And persons like Quatrocchi are allowed to roam free with royal treatment. Long live India.

India Mamtacised!! Politicised!

2010-05-30T00:47:00.003+05:30

During 1940s when India was brimming with the general enthusiasm of achieving “Purna Swaraj” lot of politicians and thinkers in the West called this a misplaced dream. A wish that should never get fulfilled else it will only ruin the country. Winston Churchill, Rudyard Kipling, to name a few were the greatest votaries against giving independence to India. Well the Indians didn’t like it that time. And neither do we like it now. But then honestly speaking the Indians are simply not capable enough to rule themselves. Please do not doubt my patriotism. But we were better under the British rule. If you do not believe me have a look at the facts. Whatever law, constitution, governance we have now is 100% British inspired. And it has run its life. Now we are left at our own. And the prophecies from the likes of Churchill are coming true. It’s more than 60 years we have got our independence but we are yet to get that unity which binds a country together.

The state of a country is known by its leaders. And when you have a mad selfish woman like Mamta Banerjee as one of ruling leaders, well you have it. She is not interested in the welfare of the train passengers who suffered in the Maoist tragedy few days back in Bengal. She is more interested to create divisions and blame her political opponents for trying to sabotage her. All our politicians are playing divide and rule. And the future is an easy interpretation. Punjab is more different than Bengal, so is Tamil Nadu and Haryana. So from where the unity is going to come? And the politicians instead of uniting our country are backing the divisive forces for own selfish interests. It is for these reasons that states like Jharkhand gets created in the first place and crooks like Madhu Koda rules. And for the very same reasons Maoists are rapidly growing their base. And people like Aparna Sen, Maheswata Devi, Arundhati Roy supports them. Everybody has their own motives. Nobody is clean. Sare jahan Achha Hindustan Humara. Par Kaise?

The Rotten Naveen Jindal

2010-05-11T20:41:00.004+05:30

India is land of dirt, squalor and rotten politicians. The latest politician to join the rotten list is Mr Naveen Jindal. I kind of liked this fellow. He was at least young, a quality which our current MPs lack bitterly! He shot to fame with his celebrated court battle regarding the right to fly the national flag. And he won the case. He got support from the entire country on this. Everybody, proud of their country should have the right to fly the national flag. Period. But that’s past. He was new to politics then. Young blood made him do lot of things which got nothing but whole hearted appreciation. But look at him now. He has finally become a seasoned politician! He has penetrated the list of the mighty corrupted political fraternity! He has supported the Khap panchayats. Reason is to safe guard his MP post in Kuruksetra in Haryana. And the entire country till date got fooled that Mr Naveen Jindal had progressive mindset within his head! What a big joke? This guy is mentally retarded! His mind has nothing inside but greed for power. He is now in the extraordinary league of the Yadavs, the Mayawatis, the Thakreys and the Karunanidhis! He has finally started playing the dangerous game of Identity politics! This guy had everything. Money, education, family! But I guess politics gives much more than these three and thus to safeguard his political career he has taken side with the “Jats” and their oppression of the poor class. Shame on Naveen! There are better ways to earn money Naveen! You could have easily stayed away from this regressive Khap Panchayat setup! How much more money do you want to mint by selling this country Naveen? How much identity and caste based politics you have to practice to safe guard your parliament seat? You guys after all are fed by us, the tax payers. I sincerely pray to God that people like you should be picked up by Yamraj ASAP! But then I am sure you have bribed him and sent some poor Dalit to die on your behalf! The Jats can always beat the system. Isn’t it? Wish somebody from your family got killed in the name of Honour Killing. And then we could have watched you amusingly! And I am sure your boss, the old Sardar would have also jumped in joy! Unfortunately he cannot scold you because he also needs to keep his position safe. End of the day its all about satisfying madam to the fullest!

No More Bullshit Hero Worship for me! I admit my mistake!

2010-05-10T20:48:00.004+05:30

Recently something extraordinary has happened in my life. I have lost my urge to watch cricket. I simply find it a complete waste of my time. This was not the case even few months back. But something has happened during the IPL 3 that has cured me from my cricket malady. May be the Tharoor Lalit affair! May be Sunanda’s clean shaven arm pits and operated nose! May the too much cricket been played …I guess it’s mainly the cricketing overdose that has killed my desire to watch. And honestly i do not even find Sachin Tendulkar’s batting that much captivating any more. The way he goes kaput in the critical days makes me think just one thing – end of the day it’s all about luck! I know my statement will make me a no 1 enemy to lot of people but that’s the fact. Cricket is a time waste for a nation where 70% of the population lives at Rs 12 per day! I guess we have better things to do than continue our futile hero worship. In my school days I used to watch too much sports – all kinds. Except Golf. I couldn’t understand it. My mother used to say “They are playing, are getting paid in millions. What are you getting? Instead of watching these stupid games if you study a little extra you will benefit” How right she was! But by the time I realized it was too late to recover. Too much time has already been spent.

We Indians are obsessed with two things : Cricket and Bollywood! I mean we invest so much of our time viewing cricket that dickheads in the BCCI are getting rich at our expense! And so with Bollywood! Else how can people like Emran Hasmi become so rich? Only if we all used our time more productively we could have easily beaten the hell out of Japan, the epitome of productivity! Our obsession with our filmy and cricketing heroes makes me remember an incident in Dilip Kumar’s life. This happened in the sixties. Dipil Kumar was a big star. e was travelling in a plane wH He was flying in a plane and JRD Tata was also traveling with him. JRD sat just next to him. Dilip recognized him! But he wanted JRD to strike a conversation. He is afterall a Star! JRD was too busy going through some papers. Dilip got anxious! Finally he could not control himself.

He told – “Hi! I am Dilip Kumar”
“JRD looked up and gave him a puzzled look. But he smiled and got back to his paper”
Dilip told again “I am Dilip Kumar, the Film star”
JRD told “Sorry I cannot recognize you gentleman. Neither do I watch Films”
I guess this incident throws light on lot of things!

But I will stop here. After all everyone has the right to live their own life! And in democracy you can chose heroes! And what stuff you want to watch! This is not thankfully China where you can lose your head if you do something which is not liked by your state! But at least i will try to do something different when the entire India will be busy worshiping Sachin and the SRKs. They are great but not true heroes for me! I need to find my true hero! At least my hero finding journey has begun. What about you?

The Failed Bomber!

2010-05-07T20:44:00.003+05:30

There is lot of speculations going on in the media regarding the credibility of the guy as the “suspected” bomber in the failed New York car bomb attack. Firstly the attempt is too much amateurish. Secondly the guy who wanted to create mayhem decided to co-operate fully within a span of 24 hours with the security agencies! Thirdly the kind of life he was living – well it’s really tough to convince that kind of progressive modern character about the benefits of declaring Jihad! He was working as a Financial Analyst with a fat salary, came from an extremely well to do family. But I think these points can be ignored. The depth of human mind, the way it behaves – it is difficult to understand. So let’s not come to conclusion. Lastly lots of people are also saying that the guy seen in the CCTV footage has a big bald patch in his head. The suspect Faisal Shahzad who has been caught looks completely different! Well what I think is the CCTV footage released in the public domain is just meant to confuse! FBI guys are not kids that they will tell the whole world that this is the picture of the terrorist. If it was our CBI this kind of childish behavior was understandable. But not from the FBI. The aim of the footage is just try to give a false sense of security to the guy who actually did it. The CCTV footage shows the bald guy just taking off his shirt near the car and having a shoulder glance at the car. That’s it. Now why the hell the guy who knows that there is a bomb in the car come so close to the car and take off his shirt? Probably our Arnab Goswami and Barkha Dutt will hold unlimited discussion regarding this on their famous TV channels and the Indians will watch. They have so much time to waste! But to any sensible guy I don’t think this activity makes much sense! Something is seriously wrong. But one good thing has happened. The world has again been directed to the terrorist breeding ground called Pakistan! God knows how many more pointings will be required to hammer some sense into the head of USA. I guess lot of the US politicians receive huge kickbacks from Pakistan when it receives those all kinds of US financial aids. To me USA is just a hypocrite who is hell bent in fulfilling its narrow self interests.

I can only say one thing for sure. The US education is not good. I mean it’s not competent enough. The way the bomb was set up, the kind of trigger that was used and the way the car was bought…Mr Faisal got his education in the US. He simply couldn’t get the basics right!

And one more thing that continues to puzzle me! Why majority of the muslim community so much in love with Bombs? Is it something in their DNA?

Bloody unknown citizens!

2010-05-03T20:24:00.002+05:30

India aspires to be a superpower (I consider that a pipedream). I can bet my life that this kind of dream will never ever get fulfilled till we have politicians like Mayawati, the Yadavs, the Pawars, the Patels, the Rajas. The list is endless. Includes the Gandhis too! Nobody is clean. And what is the point of having a clean Sardar whose cabiner has loads of dirty souls? Now if we look worldwide it’s really difficult to equate politics with cleanliness. Honestly in today’s age nobody expects the politicians to be much clean. When you got dangerous duties to perform results matter. But when these politicians start treating the country as their kingdom, as their personal property, that is the time to be worried. But we as a nation have remained in a worried state for the last twenty years. Frankly speaking all the rot in the political system started with the Mandal Commission and Mr VP Singh. And now we have politicians from every caste. Low caste, high caste – all have their own agendas! But the most important class, the middle class has not much of a option! It is the middle class who is suffering the most in the hands of the Indian politicians. Why? I guess it is because of our inherent culture. Look at me. I consider myself a typical middle class Indian. With a monthly salary I some how sustain myself in a metro, manage to do some savings, try to go out once a month here and there for a change, work dedicatedly in a not so dedicated job! And in spite of all the sadness and happiness (a rare commodity) I honestly pay my taxes. I am forced too. The poor have their BPL cards and are part of one or the other votebank. The rich bastards create the laws of the land so that we can be more screwed up. And what the hell do we the middle class do? We keep complaining. Like I am doing right now. I am a coward. We see Rang De Basanti and plan for a revolution! And more the alchohol, the better the revolution. But when it comes to act we chicken out! Such lousy rats we are.

Wish there was a way where all the salaried class of our country could come together and stop paying the taxes. A simple non-cooperation movement. I strongly feel who ever decides to open a political party and start fighting for the middle class of India, chances of that party forming a government would be pretty decent. Anybody listening? Can’t we all team up and do this. But then chances are that like me you also have been brought up by your parents with this view that politics is dirty, one should stay away from it. So like typical middle class we all wait for that messiah who unfortunately will never come. Our fate lies in our hands. But we think otherwise. Inch by Inch we keep giving away our life to the government. Bit by Bit we suffer and when all the bits get added up, it’s time to meet death. We suffer as a class. And we all die as individuals. Without a lament. Without a dirge. For the government it’s just a PAN card that got expired. We are just numbers. Bloody unknown citizens! For whom nobody cares!

Inch by Inch

2010-04-28T23:02:00.005+05:30

This is one of my most favorite speeches! Just keep adding up all the inches!

You need somebody to lean on.

2010-04-28T22:52:00.002+05:30

To be successful you need somebody to lean on. This is undoubtedly true and majority of us, who might have tasted success at any given point, will probably agree to the importance of having someone near and dear on whom you can fall back. I remember in my college Part I exam I topped the university. But despite studying harder, I could not do well in my Part II exam. Luck? Destiny? More hard work was required? Whatever is the case I had a terrific support system in my grandfather. I didn’t feel low. At the end of the day it was just a matter of inches. Probably I was just an inch short.

But now times are changing. Families are getting smaller and smaller. Moms and Dads are getting busier and busier. School fees are getting fatter and fatter without much improvement in quality. Earlier we had our grandpa and grandma staying with us. Today it’s just mom, dad and the kid. Earlier we had friends with us. Today spending time with friends is such a waste of time. It’s a rat race out there and young fellows are getting trained to beat the competition. And in the process I feel they are losing the very people on whom they can lean. In my school days we had some great teachers. Now this is fifteen years back. The world was different that time. Today quality teachers are a rare commodity. Everything is just business. End of the day relations are getting interlinked with the kind of money you are willing to spend.

Despite all the cruel changes taking place in the world, one thing has remained constant. It is the world of books. I was lucky to have been introduced to the world of literature by my grandfather. And I took mighty solace in the world of books. I travelled in deserts, oceans, space. I visited continents. I fought wars! I died multiple times. I experienced pain and happiness through the pages. And I also got inspired. But today literature and humanities in general as a subject has lost its glory. That’s a pity. Younger generation is not getting introduced much to literature. Majority parents think it to be such a waste of time. But they are wrong! Books are the best persons to lean on. And in today’s competitive world a child will be forced to face failures more than success. And you need something to lean on especially during the times you fail. And books are a wonderful support. Only if our kids realized this!

I hate Shilpa Shetty.

2010-04-27T21:08:00.002+05:30

I hate Shilpa Shetty. I hold her responsible for many wasted hours inside the bathroom doing things I shouldn’t be doing during my school days. I hold her responsible for all those wet dreams. For all those hard moments. For all those desires which was of no use. Wish I had listened to our Maths teacher in school. He used to warn us, the boys, that life will give you two choices. Pleasure by hand or pleasure by mind. The more you learn maths, the more your mind will enjoy, which will give you the ultimate satisfaction in your life. Bullshit! Majority of us choose pleasure by hand. I used to buy hot post cards and store them secretly. And as the night descended I used to take out those hot stuff and indulge in nocturnal pleasures. And pictures of Shilpa Shetty with her flat stomach and enticing belly button – it was too hard to control. It just became an un ending flow.

Today when I look back at those days I feel sorry for all those wasted hours! All those wasted energy! Only if I could recover all those lost moments! Inch by Inch, Bit by Bit! I copuld have reclaimed by life back, set things up in order. But that’s life! As you grow old things get taken away from you and you only realize when you have lost it. Wish I had listened to my Maths teacher and indulged in the intellectual pleasures. But then who is responsible for this? I hold Shilpa Shetty responsible. God knows how many young souls she has corrupted. I am not her only victim. Probably you are also. Just think of your youner days! Maybe some other actress. Or some actor?

Thanks to Lalit Modi I am enjoying Rajasthan Royal’s corrupted deal in the IPL and the consequent income tax raids. And the predicament of Shilpa Shetty and his husband Raj Kundra! Till yesterday the whole world knew Shilpa Shetty to be one of the owners of Rajasthan Royals. But today with increased pressure she has twitted that she is just a brand ambassador of Rajasthan Royals. She has no shares. Her husband has. But unfortunately her husband’s name is not in the share holder list. What the hell Shilpa? I am keeping a close eye on you from my very young days! And the way you have exposed to move up the value chain, well this kind of lie was only expected. Instead of trying to bait rich fellows with your body, try to do something meaningful in your life.

Peeping inside! Thank you dear Frog.

2010-04-15T22:22:00.003+05:30

Few days back I read in Indian Express that some kind of a law might get formulated which will ban dissecting animals in laboratories in the name of education. By animals I mean the lesser mortals…sorry lesser animals like the frogs, rats, rabbits etc. And sometimes cats and dogs too. The bigger the merrier! But the maximum damage happens to the frog community. Lot of people blames the frogs for their appalling condition. They say they deserve to die. They have such “down” attitude towards life! They never can think big and so never make it big. Their destiny is to pass away at the table. Well the case has some merit. This community has never ever stood up for its rights! They are chained to the bottom of the well. As Mao se Tung told “We think too small, like the frog at the bottom of the well. He thinks the sky is only as big as the top of the well. If he surfaced, he would have an entirely different view.” And its no wonder they do not find sympathy from the likes of Maneka Gandhi! She was too busy courting the Lions and the Langoors! Why not! They have such raw sex appeal. They have the charisma. They have the power. What does frogs have? Nothing! But then my dear friends If you can discover the meaning in the frog’s trilling, then we might just understand that it is not just noise but a song of poetry and emotion. But then we all are not poets to understand a frog’s croaking!!

I am no fan of frog. They look disgusting. I still remember those school days when we were asked to get frogs for our biology class. It was such a bullshit affair!! Every time I tried to catch a frog it pissed on my hands! And their urine is bloody poisonous. It makes your hand itch. For my class XI biology practical I caught a big frog. The rainy season made my task easier. It was healthy, greenish brown in colour, shining black eyes and a throat…Adnan Sami like! The old Adnan! From the time he has lost weight…well he looks kindda “na idhar ka na udhar ka”. I put this frog inside a plastic pouch, sealed it, made two holes for it to breath. Next day I took it to class. And then the idea struck! Honestly I was trying to “line maro” a girl in my class. But despite my best attempts she was least interested. I kindda looked so stupid in front of her. She was beautiful, with some mind blowing assets. Whenever I went to the bathroom her image accompanied me and during my entire masturbating session, she took the charge! Roleplay, dreamplay, foreplay, handplay, toungeplay…Sensational! And I desperately wanted to impress her! I got a long string and tied that to the frog’s right leg, or limb to be correct. And then I took it out. I bent down toward it and told it
“Listen dude! You simply gotta follow me! Behave yourself! Just follow me! Else your life is finished at the lab table! If you listen you go free and also get some dead mosquitoes in return. Deal?”

He croaked mutedly.

I guessed it understood the threat! I walked in the corridor and the frog followed. Soon a small crowd gathered. This crazy guy has a frog as its pet. Even I could not believe my eyes! This frog was jumping behind me as if it’s my dog. It was so obedient. And soon she was there face to face! The frog behind me! I stopped. Looking at her made me forget everything. The iron ores flying in the wind which some times made our eyes burn, now it seemed so beautiful..fragrant! That dhoti kurta clad Dolai Sir whom I wouldn’t mind murdering under normal circumstances…now he seemed a harmless lovable creature. Such is her magic! She makes the devil look like an angel! She is everything to me! Oh love lets us be close to one another, whats the point in been separated when we are born to be soulmates forever. . I walked towards her with a big smile. And then the frog showed its true colour. The devil. It jumped. The jump of his life. She was wearing a blue frock. And it jumped strategically inside the skirt!! Believe me. I was stupefied. And the ruckus she created! She jumped and lifted her skirt up shouting. And the entire crowd saw her purple panty! And Dolai sir, the devil incarnate took me to the headmaster room. And I was thrashed like anything.

I donot where is she now! I donot know where that frog went. But I am indebted to the frog! He made see experience the thing which I could'nt have done myself!

Rent a Monkey!!

2010-04-02T23:28:00.002+05:30

I generally spend at least twenty minutes every day for deleting spam mails. I really donot know how my office email id becomes public so often but I am fed up of these junk. It’s a complete time waste. And most of the times even if you unsubscribe from the company’s mailing list, these mail still land up after a while though some other 3rd party source. Like the airlines code sharing funda, I guess these email marketing agents have their own sharing arrangement. An arrangement, which is difficult to bypass. Companies know every thing about me. What I want to wear, what type of books I love, my favourite perfumes etc etc. Probably soon they will know my bedroom activities and send me targeted mail! How do they all know this? All I know is I am been tracked. Everybody is been tracked. Love Sex Dhoka syndrome!

But recently my opinion have changed about these spam mails. I no longer find them offensive. Yes deleting them is time consuming but at least I no longer look upon them with venom in my eyes. The reason is an interesting mail http://www.wannamo.com/. Now i have no idea how my email id got registered at this site. Probably I gave away the id through some survey or some third party registration. My work requires me to download lot of reports from this and that website and most of the time I have to give my office email id for verification as I cannot access other mails at office. Anyway the mail was one of a kind. Highly interesting! It told me that I can rent a monkey for day for just Rs 90 instead of the regular price of Rs 1000! Rent a monkey! Why the hell would I want to rent a monkey boss? Would you want to rent a monkey? Let me paste the content of the mail.

“India has always been a place where monkeys were always revered as the brethren of Lord Hanuman, although there have been times when these revered animals have created much havoc and chaos. But what do you know - today you have your own monkey to do some monkey business. So no more you keep staring at the peddler who strolls his own monkey in the streets and you just gaze with amazement with his awesome power to keep the animal under check. Now you have your own monkey with whom you can do limitless things. Right now, we don't have to even give you any clue since we are sure you might be having your own idea about what to do with the monkey for the whole day. Just for Rs 90”

This is the height of entrepreneurship! This is the way we will take on the Chinese. If China can manufacture anything under the sun at dirt cheap prices then we have monkeys to give away on hire at dirt cheap prices. For every Chinese import we will export a monkey! Tit for Tat! For every job taken away from the Indian soil we will send a monkey! For every political battle won we will celebrate with a monkey! And we will not rest till all the monkeys have been exported. And what ever remains I am sure the Gandhi family will rent them up! Pranab babu cheer up! No need to finger the middle class with further taxes! All you need to do is keep collecting the monkeys!

LIC as the next UTI?

2010-03-23T21:38:00.002+05:30

I was never a fan of Life Insurance Corporation of India. I has two LIC money back policy (Bima Gold), which I have closed recently. The endowment policy is still running but I am slowly building up the courage to close that policy and take whatever surrender value has accrued. Yes, it will be a big loss but it’s better to get robbed one time than getting robed yearly for the next 25 years. Sounds stupid? Well then it’s going to be a long discussion. But in short if you calculate the bonus rate of LIC policies, the return comes at a alarming rate of 4-6% per annum. Well at least I have figured out better ways to park my hard earned money. Besides Insurance should be taken as a standalone basis and not as a mode of investment (99% of Indians mix insurance with investment). But let LIC continue with its policies and their periodic fleecing – I am not much interested. If you are a LIC fan God bless you. But what concerns me are some reports in newspapers of late comparing LIC as the next UTI. And i agree with the points. For the uninitiated in 1993 UTI mutual fund failed and the government had to pitch in to protect the investors. The government had no binding to bail the investors out but still it did that in some larger self interest. One of the reason was UTI money was always used by the government for projects for which getting money was extremely difficult. So the taxpayers’ money was used to bail this stupid UTI. And in the process the government also shielded the big honchos inside UTI who led to its fall. Now LIC is also following the same route. Recently the IPOs of public sector companies were not much subscribed by institutional investors. But LIC mopped up all the shares. If the IPO valuation was attractive why did the institutional investors and other private parties not show any interest? Something must be wrong. So you can easily sense that in this case LIC money is been used to bail out the IPOs, which is like bailing out the government itself. LIC insurance money is invested in various places for which not much accountability or transparency is there. And this trend has a long history. Besides like UTI, LIC also pitches its product with a hidden assurance of government gurrantee. So I feel we should not be surprised if something like UTI happens to LIC as well. Every king goes to grave someday. And LIC is no exception.

JagoInvestor...Jago!

2010-03-12T21:07:00.003+05:30

India is a savings oriented country. We are masters in hoarding cash. But when it comes to investing money, we lag far behind. As a nation, we are totally ignorant of the simple concept called Time Value of Money. My better half feels more comfortable parking all her money in savings a/c then opening a Fixed deposit. A bird in hand is worth two in Bush. Come March she is furious – forceful savings of one lakh for tax savings. And I am sure she is not alone. We have millions like her. Even few years back I was also in the same boat. But thanks to some terrific friends (Specially my morning notes colleague in Copal Partners) and some heavy dose of business channels and Outlook Money – I can now figure out how a LIC endowment policy fools the gullible Indians. I would like to take this opportunity to thank a young guy called Manish Chauhan. I landed up on his blog http://www.jagoinvestor.com/ when I was doing a search on the benefits of a pure term insurance policy over a ULIP. And I was simply spellbound seeing his massive intelligent writings on financial planning. He has taken up the crusade of educating the Indians regarding the importance of financial planning and basic investment knowledge. Kudos to Manish! I am sure God will reward you for this amazing work. Keep it going. You have me as your permanent fan buddy!

I would like to share a small incident that happened at HDFC bank last week. I went there to complete my wife’s one lakh investment for tax savings. Yes I should have completed this at the very beginning of the financial year itself..but a lazy bum I am! Anyway I had already decided what to do! 60% in debt and 40% in equity. Didn’t want to go for NSC as I was not sure where I will be after 6 years and transferring money from one post office to another is a big pain. So I went to the bank and told to put Rs 40000 in HDFC Tax saver mutual fund and the rest in the 5 year tax saving fixed deposit. An extremely smart guy was sitting opposite me. He politely told me “Sir I think you should think over the investments. We have some terrific plans which will give more returns than mutual fund. Plus there is huge market risk in Mutual Fund while in our special plan you get 10% assured”.

I understood that this guy was pitching something which was fully loaded in his favor and not mine. I wanted a little more clarity. I asked him to explain. He then told that the money will be parked for 5 years and it will be invested in high quality debt instruments. And it will give 10% assured and can go higher.

“Can I see the details? Some brochure?” I asked.

“We do not have the brochure sir. Just the application form is with us. This is a special plan and huge investments have come in this product. This will be better for you instead of Mutual Fund”. He was excited. Probably he was imagining his commission!

“You are saying 10% assured. You are investing in the debt market. Period. From where comes the 10% fixed return guarantee?” I asked.

“Sir the previous returns have been extremely good. So minimum 10% you will get. Besides this product invests only in debt market so no equity exposure for you sir. No risk!” He was pitching hard.

“Previous returns mean future is not secure. And the mutual fund I am talking about has given a return of around 18% since inception in 1993. So don’t you think it will be better if I park my money here? Both the products has risk. And I want to take the risk friend”.

“Sir you will also get bonus in this plan. And there are no charges. In mutual fund there are fund management charges which will pull down your IRR. IRR you understand sir? Internal rate of Return. (he was giving fundas now to impress me). This will go down. I can show you an investor’s bonus statement”

He showed me a paper from April 2009. And this was March 2010. Anyway I had a close look. It mentioned a death benefit of Rs 8 lakh. I was furious.
“What is this death benefit?”
“Sir this policy pays you money on death”
“And what about the mortality charges then? I am sure you cannot offer insurance without this charge.”
He was silent. Another guy from the bank who was observing our conversation told “Rs 150 per year sir. Including everything”

I tried to cool myself. These guys were trying to sell me some ULIP. I imagined my travel writer friend. What would have he done with this kind of a high octane marketing onslaught? These devils could have easily fox him…he is so gullible when investment and money is concerned. But he is a writer…they are never good with money!

Anyway I told the guy politely to put the money in Mutual Fund. And he did it. But he was unhappy. Huge commission, which he could have earned by simply making me sign over the dotted lines…he just missed it. Most of the times people like him are successful because we are not aware about money. In search of assured returns we make mistakes. We Indians are fixated with the world “Guarantee”! And LIC exploits us using this fixation. And we take words at face value. Unless we stand up and question…it’s going to be a one sided game where we will always be the losers. And this is where a site like http://www.jagoinvestor.com/ comes in. I love the way Manish has put his heart in to this. So let us all unite. Let’s make a promise to our self: we will never ever take any financial product without understanding in detail what it is all about. Remember that the best financial products for simple investors like us are the ones that are least complex. So next time when someone pushes you to take a ULIP: compare it against a pure term policy coupled with a good mutual fund. Then calculate the returns. If you have questions seek out the answers. It’s all available free at http://www.jagoinvestor.com/

Nursery admission tougher than Harvard!

2010-02-03T00:13:00.002+05:30

Yesterday I read a column by Kate Darnton in Hindustan Times regarding the plight of parents for getting their kids admitted in a good nursery school..and I must admit the facts were painful and was an eye opener. Chances of getting inside a reputed nursery school in Delhi is real tough…getting admitted in Harvard is easier. The author gave a good example. She says “Last year, the Hindustan Times ranked Shri Ram the number one school in South Delhi. Over the past few weeks, the school’s website has listed 1,575 three-year-old candidates competing for 112 spots, including 40 spots reserved for the EWS (‘Economically Weaker Section’), staff, and management. With only 72 remaining seats, that leaves each regular candidate a 4.7 per cent chance of getting in. Last year’s acceptance rate at Harvard College was 7.1 per cent.”
So you can imagine the situation. Things are much worse in Mumbai. All parents in the Metros have to go through this ordeal. The competition is tough everywhere. Be it the posh school or the neighborhood government sponsored school…there is an extreme supply demand mismatch. Too many kids are chasing too few seats.

I think only one thing can ease the situation a bit. It is the rapid development of tier II cities. My home town Haldia has quite a few good inexpensive schools. Yes, they might not be so good and stylish like the ones in Delhi but they give the education that is required. And whatever the shortfall…it can be managed by other means. Like I was never introduced to Horse Riding, Fine Dining, or Squash skills in my school. The Delhi kids in posh schools have these skills. But every morning I used to go for a walk to the river side with my Grandpa. Morning walk was our routine. And breathing the fresh air, listening to the birds, watching the sparkling water…these are also valuable. But then today’s double income corporate couples have no time for their kids…and besides where is a river in Delhi? And birds? So the kids have to manage with the expensive things like Horse riding and fine dining skills. Probably the school knows that these kids once big will leave for bigger cities…so they should be prepared. And that city will also have no river.

Hats off to Modi!

2010-02-01T20:52:00.002+05:30

Thank God! The Pakistani players are not coming to this country. And hats off to Modi. And to everyone who conspired to keep those Paki buggers out. We will have the IPL 3 free from the stinking smell of that blood stained rotten country “Pakistan”. Despite the best efforts from the spine less Congress government at the center and the team of Pakistan loyalists in India, Modi has kept those buggers away. Was it a deliberate snub to the government? No idea. But then sections from the congress had done their best to keep Modi away from Rajasthan Cricket. So maybe this was the return gift. Whatever is the issue I am happy with Modi and all the IPL franchise’s behavior. Times of India and their Pakistani friend are trying to promote Pakistani love in our country. But the reality is that we Indians will never be able to live with Pakistan. It is a fact. Pakistan is the only country in this world who has mastered the art of threatening suicide and getting money in return for not committing the same. It always points a gun at its head and gives the nuclear and terrorism threat. And the idiots in the US and UK buys all that crap. Special thanks to India’s cowardly attitude towards Pakistan mixed with diplomacy…we have lost out to Pakistan in every aspect of the game. What use is GDP growth when people cannot live a fear less life? What use is the growth when Pakistani terrorism looms large everywhere in this country? Enough of Gandhi shit. Our country has forgotten Netaji Subhas Chandra bose. And one of the reasons Nathuram Godse killed Gandhi was because Gandhi undermined the efforts of people like Rana Pratap, Subhas and Shivaji. And we are the land of Gandhi crap. So we can never fight back. Pakistan knows this.

Majority of Indians is happy to see those buggers out. Apart from SRK, Aamir and our Italian Queen. And see what one of the Pakistani bugger called Sahid Afridi has done. He tried to chew away the ball to get more reverse swing. Such a cheat. Such an idiot. How could he think that despite all the TV cameras he can get away with that? Allah is not at all kind to him. But Allah has saved the Indians from the ignominy of watching these bastards playing on the Indian soil taking home loads of Indian money. Allah ho Akbar.

Poverty Porn - Indian babus are angry!!

2010-01-26T13:02:00.002+05:30

Indian authorities are too obsessed with projecting India the beautiful way. But one thing they forget is, it is extremely difficult to keep the truth buried in this globalized ‘wired’ world. This is the age of tweets. So good news or bad news…news will come out unless you try to brutally bury it. It is a fact that no Indians like to see their country projected as a land of ‘poor hungry Indians’. Slumdog Millionaire has done enough damage. But then it did some good also. The Dharavi slum of Mumbai benefited a lot from that kind of negative publicity. They got donations and help etc which never came from Mumbai municipality. And the slum kids who acted got rich over night. Off late the Indian authorities have accused Kevin McCloud, the television presenter, of damaging Indian tourism industry by making "poverty porn". Kevin is a UK television guy and host of the series called ‘Grand Designs’. Recently he got filming permit from Indian authorities in London to shoot in Mumbai. The Indians giving him the permit were under the impression that Kevin is going to shoot the architectural beauties of the city of Mumbai. Instead Kevin has shot Dharavi slum with all its dirt, squalor and stench under the title of ‘Slumming It’. “We thought it would be about the architecture of Mumbai but it was only about slums, nothing else. He was showing dirty sewage and dead rats, children playing amongst rubbish and people living in these small rooms. He never talked about architecture at all.” told an official from the Indian High Commision in UK. They are planning to lodge a complaint with Ofcom, the UK media watchdog, about the content of McCloud's Channel 4 series, ‘Slumming It’.

The West knows India as the land of Taj Mahal, spicy curries, snake charmers, Yoga, and its iconic poverty. Despite India’s furious GDP growth the impression hasn’t changed much. In the US, impressions about have changed a lot about India but in UK the situations remains dismal. Whose fault is it? I will accuse the Indian Authorities for this. Incompetent bunch of bureaucrats are manning the travel and tourism ministry. And the minister is least interested in the job. It is their responsibility to project India, market India, and sell it to the global tourists. You just cannot shout and hit people coming to this country and shooting the dirt and squalor. Why do you have it in the first place even after 60 years of glorious freedom? The way the divide between rich and the poor is growing in India, I guess only more and more people will be coming down from UK to check out the declining poverty levels. And you cannot ban them. You simply do not have the firepower to take them on.

Recently I liked a TV commercial from Olympus. It holds a lesson for the idiots in the tourism ministry. A foreigner comes and clicks a photo of a typical poor Indian panwalah with his expensive camera. The panwalah in turn takes out his small cheaply priced Olympus camera and clicks the picture of the foreigner. Tit for tat? And I can sense the panwalah shouting ‘teri to’ to the foreigner. Babus at the Indian embassy at London and the tourism ministry…do you get the message? If somebody deliberately wants to pull you down you need to respond in an intelligent way.

But then when out of every three Indian politicians one has a criminal record…you cannot expect much from these ‘inglorious bastards’. Can you?

Why there are so many TV Channels floating in the air?

2010-01-26T00:16:00.003+05:30

I really don’t understand why there are so many TV Channels floating in the air….some free some paid…some unpaid. All of them have the sole intention to entertain, to inform, and sometimes hijack the viewer’s mind. Initially it was just the Doordarshan. Now you throw me five six letters at random and I will construct a TV channel name from those letters. The more channels you have the better your social standing. The Tata Sky DTH package that I have taken gives me around 200 channels. My Travel writer friend’s Airtel DTH gives around 250 Channels. And these days even the local cable walah gives no less than 120 channels. We have movie channels, entertainment channels (the ones where serials comes), news channels, sports, regional, lifestyle, bhakti, learning, cartoon…and many more.
Few years back when our government introduced the Set top box concept in the metros, we the customers were delighted. Finally we can get rid of the unwanted channels and get just what we want. But this thing has remained a pipe dream. We always get channels in package. It’s like level 1 has 100, level 2 has 150 and so on. Level 1 might not have the channels which you want to see. So you are forced to take the level 2 or level 3 one. And you end up paying for all those extra channels which you never watch. Lovely country Indeed- Our India.

As far as I am concerned I am only interested in the news channels. I have divided the channels in two categories. News Channels (Times Now, NDTV, CNBC TV18, BBC) and Entertainment News Channels (India TV and Headlines today). There are other news channels but these channels give me everything. I get my daily dose of news, drama, sex, adventure, murder, mystery….virtually everything from them. Let me elaborate. Today I was watching a debate on Times Now regarding the recent IPCC goof up related to the Glacier melting date of 2035..RK Pachauri was having a tough time explaining his position. After some time I got fed up. Enough of climate…first let those idiots decide if the planet is getting heated up or it’s getting colder. I moved to NDTV where people were blasting that monster looking guy Sharad Pawar. After sometime I got so bored of this news and decided to entertain myself. Moved on to India TV. Some Honour killing news was going on…how the girl’s clothes were torn…how she got kicked…every detail was there for viewer satisfaction. Not my taste. Moved to Headlines Today. There was news going on regarding the growing number of foreign prostitutes from CIC countries…especially from Uzbekistan and Russia. All details were given…and they were showing sexy images of various prostitutes captured by spy cameras…obviously the faces were blurred. The picture of their legs, booties were shown as if the channel was telecasting some live show related to “Kohinoor” diamond.

These two channels also telecast various shows from all the reality shows and popular shows. I sometimes seriously wonder why these two channels have been clubbed under news channel category. They should be under entertainment channels.

And regarding all those extra channels which I pay for but do not get time or energy to watch…wish there was a system where DTH rewarded those subscribers who watched the least number of channels despite paying for the maximum amount of channels. I would have surely own some prize.

Hope my plight will be addressed by our honorable government soon and I will finally pay for only those channels which I watch.

Ok I will stop this now. Actually i was on a mission and i think i am successful because after reading this my travel writer friend told that I have written "the perfect shit-storm of crapness". But then writing crap is also an art. Haha. Thanks for reading this crap.

Netaji - Our forgotten Hero!

2010-01-25T20:10:00.002+05:30

All is not well in the state of Bengal. The commies forgot to garland Netaji on his birthday. So intense is the grief over Jyoti babu’s unfortunate demise..that they are forgetting their bread and butter activities. I guess Forward Block is no longer with the commies these days! Otherwise the streets of Kolkata might have turned once again into “Cholbe na cholche na…jalaiye dao puriye dao”. And before Didi could realize the wonderful political opportunity, the homage was paid on 24th January. And guess what! All the sarkari karmacharis were told to report on Sunday for the respective homages..bad luck for all those guys whose office had statues of Netaji. Work on Sunday!!

Why are we slowly forgetting Netaji? Leave aside the commies. They have lost their father so error is expected. But what about our central government? Why can’t they be a little more generous in celebrating this day? For the Girl child week Government of India’s child welfare department came up with huge advertisements in Times of India. And they mistakenly put Pakistan’s former army chief’s photo over there. But why can’t even half a page devoted to this national hero from the Central Government Side? Is it just because he was no longer in the good books of Gandhiji? Or he is no longer a source of vote bank? This is what happens when you have an Italian with her army of sychophants manning our country…well no offense but it hurts. Netaji started the fight. No not the Gandhi type fight where if your enemy slaps you allow him to slap you again and again till your enemy is tired! Unfortunately Netaji didn’t buy this crap and gave the first battle cry. Yes he couldn’t succeed but he showed the way long back. You hit me and I will hit the hell out of you. He didn’t want our country to be a soft nation…just look at Kasab and you will understand how soft our country is! Everytime the Pakis slap us, bomb us, pinch us, kick us…we do what Gandhibaba told us to do.

History will not forgive us for forgetting Netaji. Forget the congress politicians. Like the commies they can be excused. Afterall they are busy 24/7 licking the butts of the central high command…as Ramachandra Guha told in his recent Outlook story ‘its darbari democracy’. So these leaders are extremely busy attending to the King, Queen and the prince in waiting. Who cares for Netaji? Where is the bloody time? Even though he admires Netaji, Dr Manmohan Singh has not spoken out why his Government rejected Mukherjee Commission report. Some sabotage? The answers to the following questions still remain unanswered:

a) Whether Netaji Subhas Chandra Bose is dead or alive;
(b) If he is dead, whether he died in the plane crash, as alleged;
(c) Whether the ashes in the Japanese temple are ashes of Netaji;
(d) Whether he has died in any other manner at any other place and, if so, when and how;
(e) If he is alive, in respect of his whereabouts.

But then what about us. You and I type public. Do we remember our hero? Well we don’t. I will be honest. It was only in the evening of 23rd Jan I realized that it is Netaji’s birthday. And I went quietly to the Balcony and gave a salute to the sky…probably he is up there somewhere watching us. But how many of us did that? And did that in public?

India is getting hijacked by the rich and the mighty. Big corporate houses bring out memorials in newspapers during Gandhi birthday. Netaji’s birthday do not get much priority…few Bengal based companies probably give advertisements in the regional dailies. That’s it. “Give me blood I will give you freedom”. Netaji told. The corporates and our politicians say “Give us profits. Gives us votes. We will remember you.” Netaji has none to offer. Gandhi has.

I know what I have written holds no value. It’s just an emotional ignorant coward Indian doing faltu bakwas. But then imagine if the entire emotional ignorant coward Indians starts doing bakwas simultaneously? I guess that will sound the bugle of change.

Mee Marathi mulgi nahi ho!

2010-01-21T19:28:00.002+05:30

I guess the time has come when I will be finally heading home…permanently. Five years back I left Bengal as I was not able to get a job there. Low paying jobs were abound but was not enough to sustain my hunger. High paying jobs were there but those were for the highly intelligent and the extremely connected ones. I had none. So I had to move to Delhi. But now I have a ray of hope. And you know the reason? “Marathi Manoos” funda. Ashok Chavan, the chief minister of Maharastra has issued a directive that only those people who have lived in Maharastra for 15 years and know how to read and write Marathi will get Taxi permit. So basically only the Marathis will be eligible and all the migrants from UP and Bihar mostly have to look for other options. He has simply hijacked the agenda of Shiv Sena and MNS. So initially it was just that Spineless Bal and Raj Thakrey…and now you have the NCP and Congress campaigning for Marathi Manoos votebank. Soon the entire Mumbai will be only for Marathis. And there lies my hope. The other states will hit back. Indian politicians are masters in playing regional and divisive politics. They wont take this lying down. Lalu is already thirsty for Chavan’s blood. So Mr Chavan do not worry. Soon all the states will issue rules in similar lines. Gujrat for Gujratis, Bengal for Bengalis…and so on. And soon IT companies will be forced to hire only regional candidates. And yeppi!!…………I will be swiftly placed at my home. Come on Chavan. Give us more. Tell that Bollywood can only function if Marathi movies are made. Kick Sharukh Khan away. He is not a Marathi. And Big B. And there are loads of others. Come on Raj Thakrey. Get some fake spine, stand up and deliver…the time has come. Chavan has sounded the Bugle…time to get down in the streets and fight for Marathi manoos pride. Show your manhood Raj. You know your otherside…time to show the hidden side provided you have some. Laloo, Modiji, Mamtadidi….get ready…the time for India has come! Let us all unite. And let’s all go back to where we belong! Ah my hometown river….I will be soon cruising on your banks…just like I did in my school and college days. Just wait for some more time. And you know my dear river I now have a car…no more cycle…we will have the ultimate fun. I can also afford some costly wine..we will have it together. Just wait. I am just waiting for the announcement that Bengal is for Bengalis. Till that happens to all those who calls our politicians dirty, bastard, characterless, swine, and what not..pls hold on for a while. Let them do their job..its a big task. Let Deve Gowda take this dirty job up…he is doing well by calling Mr Yeddyurappa ‘Bloody Bastard’. So let him waste his energies calling names while we save our energies. We will need that when we have to pack our bags and return home.

Home is where the heart lies. Jai Ho!

I am afraid. I don’t want to die inside the bathroom.

2010-01-20T23:32:00.001+05:30

Today an embarrassing thing happened while I was relieving myself in the office bathroom. I had a completely unexpected neck sprain. And what was my fault? I guess I quickly looked down…I generally look straight or sideways provided no one is at the next pee station. This time all the pee stations were occupied so I was looking straight at the wall in front of me. I was done and looked down to zip up..and the neck sprain struck from nowhere. For few seconds it was complete blackout. I somehow pushed my head up and rotated it sideways…and it got stuck again. It was paining like anything. The guy who was also reliving himself looked at me oddly. I guess he took me as a ‘gay’ ogling him in his private moment. Sensing that I told him that I have got a “keech” in my neck and tried to smile. He laughed. Others joined from the respective pee stations. It was so embarrassing and irritating. I somehow washed my hands and came out. I sat on the lounge sofa and massaged my neck vigorously. I moved it sideways then up then down. Repeat. After few minutes the pain lessened. But once I got up and walked towards my seat it came back again. Generally this type of thing happens while we sleep…like you wake up and find the sprain in your neck. But hardly one encounters this type of stupid thing in the bathroom. I think somebody is doing voodoo on me.

But the most worrisome thing is the comment from my wife. I told her that I had got a sprain while I was relieving myself. She got extremely serious and told this is the initial stage of a heart attack. What? I shouted. She told that people generally have heart attacks inside the bathroom. And having a sprain in the neck is an ominous thing for grimmer things to come. I should take my health more seriously and do routine workout to reduce the extra layers of fat. Otherwise next time I might get a heart attack during relieving inside the wash room. I vigorously contested her stupid point of view by saying that nobody in their late twenties get heart attack. She told times are changing. If SAP CEO can die in his late forties despite been so fitness freak…well I simply stand no chance. I got to be careful.

Yes! It’s pure voodoo. Somebody is trying to screw me up. I am afraid. I don’t want to die inside the bathroom.

Jyoti Babu is no more. An era comes to an End.

2010-01-20T22:53:00.002+05:30

Jyoti Basu is gone! Forever! The last stalwart of communism has vanished. The person who was so much for the party, of the party and by the party. So how will history remember him? Most of us who are below thirty, the young brigade will pinpoint the downfall of Bengal on him. Why? Because when we entered the job market there were very few jobs in Bengal. Most of us have to move out of Bengal for sustenance and better opportunities. But at the same time ask anybody above 55 working in a state government, central government or other big private factories (specially the senior guys)…majority will say he was a hero, a real leader. Why this dichotomy? In his time the power of trade union flourished…the bandh culture threatened management big time. So people who are on the verge of retirement will pay their ‘Lal Salam’ to him. Virtually no work…and getting paid for that. Who doesn’t love it? So majority of people who have worked their prime during his 23 years of rule in Bengal have enjoyed the Trade Unionism, the frequent holidays due to Bandhs, the power of strike, chakka jam, rail roko and what not. With due respect to all the elders, I want to say that Basu has done nothing for the people of Bengal. The lucky people who had jobs in government and other areas during his time will have a different story but the struggling middle class left Bengal completely during his tenure- I am one of them.

Basu and his party categorically killed Education in Bengal by banning English from primary schools. Thanks to my parents- I was lucky to be studying in a convent…but everybody didn’t have the same opportunity! Why did he do it? Basu came from an Aristrocatic family, was educated in London, sent his son to London for Education…he very well knew the value of English but why did he want the Bengali sons and daughters to stay away from English? History will demand an answer from him. I have read quite a few newspaper editorials especially by Mr Ram of Hindu and Mr Ashok Dasgupta of the Bengali newspaper ‘Aajkaal’. I have one thing to say – Basu is generally praised for his Land reforms, i.e. sharecroppers got the right to land. Well Mr Ram and Mr Dasgupta..if you go back to history you will find that it was not Basu who did this…the seed was sowed well before his tenure..But he was given all the credit. Ok, even if we for argument’s sake accept that he did that…after that what? All those poor people who got land were converted into CPM cadres (most of them became rich by dubious means) and we know how the cadre strength worked for three decades for the benefit of the communists. And it in turn unfortunately created one more divide. The haves and the have-nots. CPM had everything while people not following their party line didn’t have anything. Trinamool was born driven by this factor only…and thanks to the communists now we have two monsters pitched in a deadly battle in Bengal. Mamta gang vs Buddha gang!

And in Basu’s tenure what was the growth of the state? Negative. What about healthcare? What about Education? Why did Calcutta turn from an intellectual city to a lifeless city? Mr Dasgupta you know it better so why just you cant write the truth. Yes Basu was free from corruption (his wife owned huge properties though) but the case rests there. As a CM people judge you by the growth parameters in the state…not by some red idealism however excellent it might be.
Mr Dasgupta you have lived your prime…Mr Ram same for you. But right now what you say doesn’t matter…it’s the young generation who will decide not you guys.

Mr Basu at the best can be called as the victim of his own system..the politburo machinery. But he was one of the founding members…and in lot of circumstances he took the moderate path but had to tow the party line because he was a complete party guy! He was a moderate but without the willpower to apply his moderate thoughts. Buddha inherited a bad legacy.

Right now the future of Bengal looks extremely bleak. The lady who is waiting for the CM chair has very little to offer except her big talks and ‘Ma Mati and Manush’ funda. She has taken all those things which the communists under Buddha tried to abandon – The Bandh Culture and street politics. And the communists seem to be hell bent in tackling her in their old ways…an eye for an eye! And look who is gaining – the Maoists! God bless the Bengalis. We have breathed the air of Bengal. It still remains a Golden state only if people had the eyes to see it and appreciate it.

Anil its pathetic. Do something!

2010-01-17T22:59:00.003+05:30

Reliance is a real big company and everyone knows it. But then what is the definition of a big company? Depends. If you are talking about money then yes it is a shit large company…billions! If you are talking about integrity…well my personal opinion is they have nil. What you don’t believe me right? Just look at those two fighting brothers and their mother with that accomplice, their late daddy’s friend, our present petroleum minister. Rape of India is going on. Ok I will shut up. They are big people and I am an insignificant guy wanting to take on the Goliath…sorry! But honestly I do not like that group. The day Government of India lifts the ban on the book ‘The Polyster Prince’…that day I might rethink my position. Till then they are just a cheap baniaya company hell bent on profits and publicity. Money Money and more money. Rest is all bullshit for them.

You must be wondering why this outburst. Am I running out of topic to write? Today (unfortunately) I paid a visit to Big Cinemas for Avtar 3D morning show. And this is an Anil Ambani run company. First there was no one at the counter to give our tickets. Ninety percent bookings were Internet booking. And they knew it. But there was no one to take our booking ID and give us the tickets. The guys came some 15-20 mins before the show and by then it was a really big queue at the counter. After lot of fights and shouting we got our tickets. They had started the show despite the ticket delay from their side (Reliance is big company..they can do what they want). Now the specs given to us were not working. It was a 3D show but without 3D glasses it was a just hazy shadowy film going on. Most of the glasses were not working. Majority people inside the hall had never seen a 3D show and they were seeing the show without realizing that they were been cheated. Thanks to people like us who could catch the drama going on. We had to really shout and at the same time badmouth to stop the film…and forced them to get us new glasses. And the attitude of the Big Cinema guys! Anil Ambani you should see that personally. I am not sure if you will feel proud or not but you should thank your stars that those guys are alive…the crowd inside the hall were very decent. Those guys deserved to be caught by the collar and given a good thrashing. But then when a company bans a book just because they told some bitter truth about their founding father…you cannot expect much…isn’t it Anil sir? Donot trouble yourself. You just keep running.

But James Cameron made our day despite all this bullshit inside the hall. All the pain vanished when we got our new 3D glasses and the show finally started after all the delay. Marvelous special effects. And the 3D effect. You need to see it to believe it. It felt like you can touch the actors, the flowers..and sometimes gunshots came straight at us..as if it’s going to hit us. A must see for all! But avoid Big Cinemas please. You day just might get spoiled if you decide to be the guest of Reliance. And you don’t want to get inside some place where there is no accountability…isn’t it?

My Friend's Post Marriage Crisis - Its a situation down there!

2010-01-16T23:24:00.004+05:30

My friend who has got recently married is now an extremely frustrated person. Before marriage he was so upbeat. Got himself a Sherwani for Rs 15000, designer shoes etc etc. And every time he got something new he made it a point to reveal their prices to me. People who have seen ‘3 Idiots’ might be thinking about Kareena Kapoor’s fiancée in the film…well he is not at that level…her fiancée was too much type! Anyway the marriage was a gala event. Their honeymoon went preety smoothly. And now almost two months are over post marriage. And he has finally started facing the music. First his in-laws including his wife is complete veg. Point is during the courtship period (his is a love cum arranged marriage) every obstacle seems insignificant. When I used to ask him how will he manage after marriage because his wife is a strict veg he used to say “Koi nahi. Paneer tikka ke sath daru pi lenge”. And now his entire life is made of panner and sag sabzi. His mother who earlier tried to convert him to a veggie has found a perfect weapon to demolish his extreme chicken eating habits. Bahu is giving an able company. Second problem is bahu’s cooking. Once in a while her wife cooks some “tasty” dishes. Now the problem is those dishes are not tasty at all. And he was idiot enough to tell her “This is shit. It’s not like the same dish my mother used to make for me. I cannot eat so much”. Guys hope you can imagine the crime! This is pure suicide. You are not supposed to tell your wife (who are generally in charge of the kitchen) that she has cooked bad food. Grow Up! Even initially I used to make this type of stupid mistake but then I was always a ‘dramabazz’ character. My friend unfortunately is not. So his life is spiraling into total chaos daily. And to top up his pains every Sunday he is dragged to his in-laws place for lunch and there he has to digest three four dishes of panner with various sag sabzi. His entire shit has become paneer like. And he constantly bores me with all this nonsense complains. Boss what the hell can I do? I am also married. And you need to handle your marriage in an intelligent way. And there is no tutorial to lead a happy married life. You learn it with time. Every time he complains to me I give him my stock reply “Sabur karo beta. Sab thik ho jayega”. Hope every thing becomes all right. I sincerely pray that he starts eating tandori chicken again. But I fear this might not happen. Instead he might become a ‘frutarian’. People who have seen the movie ‘Noting Hill’ will remember that Frutarians are those people who only eats fruits and vegetables which fall on the ground ‘dead’. They donot pluck fruits etc as that is considered a ‘murder’. And the way things are progressing with my friend that soon he might be a ‘Frutarian’. God gibe him strength. Let us all pray for his well being. Ah men! One more thing. My friend looks like a classic case of the following verse:

“Before wedding
you are my heart, you are my love’
After wedding
‘you get on my nerves'.”

Teenso ka Liya. Pure Leather!

2010-01-15T23:38:00.003+05:30

Reading “Riders to The Sea” by JM Synge in college was my formal introduction to the literary concept of universality of emotions. Simply speaking, I am referring to ‘emotions’ and how these emotions are same for every human being. The grief that Maurya witnessed when one by one all her sons were devoured by the sea is universal. It’s a mother’s pain in losing her children. And this pain is felt by every mother in an equal amount irrespective of location, social standing and nationality. The same thing applies for happiness, love, anger, hatred. All kinds of emotions are same with all of us. But the distribution of wealth is not equal and here lies the problem. Some are born rich and some are born poor. Just like some road dogs are lucky to find a home. Majority don’t. I constantly wonder why does this happen? Why such grave inequality? Man was born in God’s image….well then why so many destitutes…and so many rich people despite been big time crooks are living comfortably? It’s a stupid world…the more you think the more painful it become.

I know you are dead bored by this philosophical bullshit. So let me say what I want to say. A little thing happened at office today. Nothing eventful but it touched me. I was having a glass of water at the pantry area when the Xerox guy came for a cup of tea. The pantry area had quite a few office boys and peons. They shouted almost at the same time “Wo dekho. Charan ne nayi jacket pehena hain”. Ok! The Xerox guy’s name was Charan. And he was wearing a navy blue wind cheater kind of a jacket. Charan gave them a big smile and pointed at his shoes. The peons looked downwards and again exclaimed collectively! “Jute bhi naye!!..kya baat hain Charan”. Charan looked at them smugly and told “Teenso ka liya. Pure leather”. Has he gone crazy? Got a pure leather shoes for Rs 300!! I looked at mine. Four times costlier and I am not sure about the purity of the leather!

So you must be wondering what is the point in this Charan episode. Well I have two observations to make. First one related to my ramblings regarding the concept of universality of emotions. I have a friend exactly like Charan. Whenever he wears anything new he keeps smiling the whole day and asks everybody to give him new pinch. Once I pinched him so hard that these days before saying ‘new picnh’ he adds ‘aram se pinch kariyo’. The happiness at wearing something new is same as that of Charan. And my friend’s salary will be like 15 times more than what Charan earns. The way Charan is happy at his Rs 300 ‘pure leather’ shoes is the same way my friend becomes happy when he wears his Puma or Lacoste. Same type of happiness despite one earning 15 times more than the other guy!

The second point is regarding me…How I have changed over the years. When I first came to Delhi from my small town I was a different guy. A guy who could never imagine that shoes might someday cost me Rs 1500. A shirt will someday make me poorer by Rs 1000. Initially I was so happy wearing ‘sasta’ stuff. Sasta is not the right word gut using it anyway for lack of a better word. These stuff I carried with me in my suitcase from my home…my two pair of shoes (one I got during my university times), few shirts sewed specially for my Big city trip by our family tailor, few trousers…etc etc. I wore them initially. But soon I could realize that I was becoming the center of attraction for all the wrong reasons. Everybody was wearing attractive dresses. I was the odd one out. I used to oil my hair…people in my office geled it. Soon it started becoming embarrassing. And finally the city gripped me. Or may be I was gripped by the glittering façade of the phony city life. Soon I was spending times inside various trial rooms. My tastes changed. I was no longer interested in hometown shoes and clothes. It looked ridiculous. I changed my entire getup. And I still remain the same. Wearing clothes which I don’t want to wear but have to wear because everybody is wearing them. If I don’t I will be called the ‘odd one’. I don’t like it. I feel a prisoner. I want my old life back. I want my simplicity back. But it’s easier said than done. You might be thinking what drama is this. But believe me it’s no drama. People who come from small towns to big cities will agree that the city changes our soul, thoughts and outlook towards everything. I am sure Charan would have never said in his younger days at his village ‘Teenso ka liya. Pure leather’. It is the city which is making him talk like that. He is a puppet in the big scheme of city life. And most of the time it’s not for the better. All that glitters is not gold. The city glitters. Intelligence lies in ignoring it. But I am not Intelligent. Hope you are!

How does it feel to save a life?

2010-01-14T22:37:00.004+05:30

How does it feel to save a life? Obviously it feels extremely good. But how does it feel to actually save a life yourself? This is a tough question. You actually need to save a life to answer this question. Few days back if I would have been asked this question I would be without an answer. But today I know how it feels. Humbling, satisfying and extremely heart enriching.

I got this experience last weekend in a freezing Saturday Night. My friend from Faridabad came down with his newly married wife to our place for dinner. He had got a bottle of Teachers Highland Cream as a gift for me. These days Dionysus, the Greek god of wine and intoxication is extremely happy with me. For the last few weeks I am been treated with expensive booze for one or the other reason. Thanks Almighty. Keep it going. We were having a good time inside our cosy drawing room. Outside it must be like 5-6 degree…icy cold. Suddenly there was a muted barking outside. Initially it looked like the barking came from inside our flat. But we don’t have any Dog. My friend’s wife quickly opened the door. A little puppy was standing outside…shivering. It has come all the way to the second floor climbing the stairs. It wanted to come inside. My better half threatened to kick me out if the puppy came inside. So had no option but to keep it outside the door. She got a roti, tore it into small pieces and gave it to him. But it was not interested in the food. It kept on shivering. His eyes were wet. The cold was killing him. We got to make him feel warm..only then he might survive the night. I got a small towel from the kitchen and tied it around his shoulders. We could sense that he felt a tad better but not enough to stop his shivering. My wife gave me a big towel..the one which was generally used for dusting our furniture. It was preety thick and soft. I was overwhelmed by this gesture! Women’s heart afterall! I wrapped the towel around him and picked it up and came downstairs to our garage. My friends also accompanied me. My wife located the best place near the garage…a three side covered area. I placed the puppy there with the towel properly wrapped. The roti pieces were given to him. My friend asked should we give him little Teachers? We decided not to get so much excited. After few minutes the puppy felt better. He looked at us with satisfied eyes and started eating the roti. Victory! He is no longer going to die tonight from this freezing cold. Death has got defeated tonight!

Started 2010 with a Bang!

2010-01-07T21:58:00.002+05:30

My blog has been abandoned for long time now. Apologies my dear blog! I never forgot you but it’s just that my priorities shifted a bit temporarily. In life priorities change! But you have nothing to worry. You have the first right in my heart. It was a momentary affair. But to be honest with you there is someone extra in my life. My new DSLR. This long time dream got fulfilled on new year day itself. So I was dam busy with that. Hope you understand Bloggie!

I know you must be curious how was my new year weekend. It was rocking from the moment go! Exaactly at 12 I had little scotch and burst some firecrackers at my balcony. My wife and CJ scolded me for polluting the environment. And in a minute the entire society started bursting crackers. New year time! The right to celebrate! Both of them went quite. I smugly enjoyed my drink at the balcony. It was chilly. Shivering. But who cares! Its new year! I should have been careful. Right now I am having a very high fever. Few moments of fun in the cold....leave it. Its new year. Sab chalta hain!

We made a quick one day trip to Rishikesh on 2nd January. Thanks to my Travel writer friend and his luxury car, our very dear ‘Santro’. Very few people can match my friend’s driving skill! Kudos to him for making the tour so much fun and enjoyable. We started off with the agenda of visitng Rajaji National Park but ended up at Rishikesh. The dense fog screwed our vehicle speed and we got late. As a result and our cottage booking got cancelled. The guy at GMVN never told us that the tele booking remains till 4pm. I have memorized his name - ‘Gildiar’. This world is a small place ‘Gildiar’. We surely gonna meet sometime! And I’ll show you the cost of giving half information. ‘G-I-L-D-I-A-R’. Anyway It’s new year so let me keep my anger aside. The entire year remains for my anger.

The visit to Ramjhula and Ananda Spa were mind blowing. Didn’t get much time to roam about but the tour was crisp and full of treasured moments. I should have come to this place in my younger days. So many gori mems in search of nirvana – well demand for Yogis and Babas are huge over here. All you need is a little bit of oratory skills and the art of persuasion. And the pleasure if all yours! Am I taking like a devil? Yes I am. Its new year buddy!

And yes i have made my resolutions. But then whats the point of narrating them when i cannot fullfill them. Wish you all the best for your resolutions! Stick to it.

Admi kabhi budda nahi hota!

2009-12-30T22:59:00.004+05:30

During my university days we had Abdul Chacha manning the campus canteen. He was very old (probably more than 70) but very energetic. He used to go mad when somebody made foul comments against the food or the quality of tea. Most of the time we used to comment bad things about the food just for the sake of tormenting chacha. He used get angry and shouted at us proclaiming that we have lost our taste. But it was when someone commented about poor quality of canteen tea that he got real angry. So when one told that the tea was not good and chachajan was getting old and was no longer able to supervise the tea making process he got extremely angry and shouted “admi kabhi budda nahi hota”. We used to laugh and say that yes men never grow old, they just get young. He used shout bullshit at us. It was fun! In our final year Chachajan started developing some mental problem and soon was seen more in his small dingy room than inside the canteen. His histrionics increased with each day. Most of the times he remained agitated and kept shouting “Admi kabhi budda nahi hota”. He went mad. He was very dear to everyone of us despite all the shouting, scolding and his bullshit chatters. We all did our best. In fact the entire university prayed for his well being but unfortunately he passed away.

But then why I am narrating this. Actually the thought came from one of reader comments in an online news portal regarding the ND Tiwari sex scandal. That reader had written “Admi kabhi budda nahi hota. Long live Tiwari”. I don’t know if he wanted to praise Tiwari or wanted to tease him. But I am sure if Abdulchacha was alive today he would have loved to meet this shameless state governor and tell him his trademarked line “Admi kabhi Buddha nahi hota” accompanied by a tight slap at Tiwari’s penis…hard enough to puncture his balls.

What Tiwari has done (by sleeping with three women) is scandalous! We wonder how can a governor do such a thing and that too at such an age…man he is 86! He is no Bill Clinton! But then if you look closely at the video he is doing nothing. You can still find it in youtube. He is just enjoying what those girls were doing to him….caressing him orally. I guess even Viagra failed to straighten his instrument so he had no other option but to enjoy passive masti. Direct action would have been dangerous for his heart..and neither he was fit for that. But Kudos to Tiwari! This is the land of Kamasutra! But Tiwariji you should have done this masti outside the Raj Bhawan. Raj Bhavan becomes brothel house for you...not good Sonia ma. Do something.

The day you die (its near) Abdulchacha is will catch you. And you will hear multiple rounds of “Admi kabhi Budda nahi hota”. Just evade the slap at the balls! But then you never had any!

Not going to Kerala. Sad but True.

2009-12-29T23:57:00.002+05:30

After hours of online research at various travel forums, endless discussions, and with lot of dilly dallying, I have finally called off my trip to Kerala. The cancellation hurts but then sometimes it’s better to listen to your head than your heart. I was planning this trip in Feb 2010. Before I start defending my reasons behind my cancellation let me first highlight the reasons why I planned this trip in the first place. The first reason is obviously our company guest house at Munnar. We have two suites available at the Yellapatty Bunglow at Munnar, which employees can book for a maximum of four nights. Munnar is a nice place and lush green. And green attracts me like water attracts a duck. So when one has the opportunity to avail such a nice bunglow free of cost inside a captivating tea plantation, one is bound to get a little greedy. And after endless attempts and lot of troubles I managed to book four nights at Munnar. I took great satisfaction in telling my entire near and dear ones about this booking…that this is Rs 6500 per night room and it is free for me. In fact I forced people to listen to it. I told everyone that I am going to Kerala in February. Kerala Kerala here I come!!

The next reason is the backwaters. Honestly, even the biggest critic of Kerala will admit that the Backwaters, especially during sunrise and sunset are mesmerizing. And both I and my wifey wanted to see it.

The last reason was few Kerala episodes in my favorite program ‘Highway on My plate’ on NDTV Goodtimes. For the uninitiated, this show is about two hungry people scouring the highways of India in search of local culinary delicacies. The two guys (anchors) Rocky and Mayur had an amazing time inside Kerala. The cuisines they tasted were mouth watering. I am extremely jealous of these two Guys! I feel they have all the fun in the world while I rot in my office desk. I hate them. I will strangle both of them. Why not? They have the job which is mine dream job. Travelling and eating free. Ah! What more can a mortal ask from allmighty? So I wanted to enjoy what they enjoyed in Kerala. Ya ya….you are right…the competitive spirit. If they can I should too. Why should they have all the fun?

So far so good. Now why did I cancel? The reasons might look shocking to you all but to each his own. And you have to respect my points. Democracy. Don’t forget!

The first reason behind the cancellation is the stupid airfare. From Delhi to Cochin the lowest price air ticket quoted Rs 4500…that too in one and a half months advance booking! So for two the return airfare comes to Rs 4500*4= Rs 18000. I guess it’s on the higher side…at least for me. Last year I didn’t get a hike…and my salary went down a bit…the company tricked its employees playing the recession card. Sorry for grumbling. Coming back to the topic…well airfare was beyond affordability. And train will take two whole days that to after spending a little over Rs 2400 for a 3AC ticket. Too much! No affordable way to travel for me. I looked at Bus options but gave up the search in few minutes. I will grow old by the time I Reach Cochin.
The next reason is seeing loads of pictures of Cochin via google images. I have spent twenty years of my life at Haldia. And Haldia has a big port. Besides I have done lot of trips to the sea courtesy my school friend whose father had few fishing trawlers. So the sea at Cochin didn’t excite me. For people coming there straight from Rajasthan…it’s a great ‘Oh my God…so much Water’ situation. For me it was just a sea with dirty water. I have seen better beaches at Digha and Puri.

Munnar was exciting. Such lush green Landscapes excite the hidden poet in me. But then my travel writer friend directed me to similar landscapes near home. Nainital, Palampur, places around Manali have better landscapes. I compared the pictures with Munnar. Yes they are similaralthough Munnar has a little upper hand but then considering the huge distance and the expenses it calls for….well home is where the heart lies I guess!

The other reason is the various discussions I read in http://www.indiamike.com/. This online travel forum is one of the few respectable India centric travel forums. And there is a lot of discussion, hotels reviews, travelogues related to Kerala. Strangely most of the users discussing about Kerala are not Indians. Let me give you an example. A guy from UK have asked in one of the discussion thread regarding some good budget hotels in Fort Kochi area. There are total 21 replies. And twenty replies are from Foreigners – Russia, Australia, Canada, Toronto, USA. Only one reply is from a guy whose location showed as Mumbai. I went deep to unearth the reason for this. After some thorough research I realized that Kerala was never projected as a tourist destination to its fellow countrymen…to us, Indians! The state is more interested in Dollars than Rupees. Almost like Goa. And here lies the problem. I am unwilling to go to any place where Indians are not much welcome. I think ‘not welcome’ is a bit harsh when Kerala is considered but then this was the impression after browsing lot of hotel websites. Most have their prices in $...you need to convert it into Rupees.

So I have decided to cover Rajasthan, Himachal and Uttarakhand first and then proceed further. Kerala has to wait for some time. You might think this is a classic case of “Grapes are Sour” case. Probably it is. But then I simply cannot afford such expensive stuff at this stage. So dearest Kerala you enjoy the dollars while I enjoy more value for money stuff near my home.

I tried to copy Saif and got beaten black and blue!

2009-12-25T00:00:00.003+05:30

Ok..now this is shameful but I wil not hide it. At least not with my Blog readers who tolerate my nonsense...you all are my real friends.

I got beaten (black and blue type) by my father 5-6 times during my entire school life. And this was one such instance. I went to my Aunty's house in my ancestral village for a marriage. Now her son had an Orchestra band. I called him the 'bandmasterdada'. I was the only kid in the house who was labelled 'the town boy'. People in villages respected the town guys! Not sure if the respect is still there in these times. Anyway my bandmasterda asked me if i can dance. There were lot of young kids inside. And yes one beautiful girl was there too. She was the youngest daughter of my Aunty's neighbor. Anyway i was angling her...people who donot know what angling is...well it is basicaly staring at the beauty. Trying to draw attention through the eyes. Once mastered its deadly! So this was an opportunity to impress her. And blood is warm when one is in high school. I gleely told yes...i can do super duper hit dance. Bandmasterda played this Safi Ali song "Pass wo ane laga jara" in his deck. If you remember the song you must have noticed horrific lustful pelvis thrusting throughout the entire song. And i was doing exactly that. And my dad entered the room all of a sudden. He was completely an uninvited guest. And the moment he saw me dancing like that he got the shock of his life. I cannot blame him. Any father will get upset seeing his only son copying those 'pelvic jhatkas'. So he caught hold of my ears and gave me quite a deadly few. Unsatisfied he caught hold of my hair and again gave me few more. Shameful chapter in my life. Wish i could meet that girl now whom i tried to impress. But I have no idea where she is. Must be happily married with two kids! And i have never done any pelvis thrusting after that. Once was enough. :)

With love...Your's Maggie!

2009-12-24T23:29:00.003+05:30

If you ask today’s young generation what food they take most of the time, the maximum answers are likely to be 'Maggie'. Yes that very two minute noodle! Kids love it. Bachelors swear by it. Seniors admire it. We all love it. I have virtually grownup eating that. Different types of prepared Maggie – the essence remained the same. In the eighties it was Parle G. And in the nineties it was Maggie. In today’s highly competitive ready to cook market, Maggie still holds it position. Long live the Maggie!

I have a friend who says that Maggie is American shit. Shit? Yes, the advertising that happens is extremely persuasive. But shit?? No I disagree. He compares Maggie to cornflakes. In America loads of corn is grown and somebody has to eat it. So they have made something called cornflakes and have made so much advertising, which is backed by this and that nutritional data that corn is now a regular breakfast in the entire US and even parts of UK. I have also heard lot of people say that having too much Maggie is bad…its made of maida, has artificial flavours this and that. Boss few weeks back a reputed TV channel was showing how our Indian farmers use chemicals in vegetables. One guy was injecting some chemical inside the brinjal…and in minutes the brinjal turned deep purple!! What kind of Houdini act that was? The PC Sarkar farmers are too busy raking in profits and are least concerned about our health. And we have no FDA in india! At least Maggie do not have such harmful chemicals. And anyway our entire Indian life is a complete screwed up thing. The more you think on these stupid things the more closer you go to utter madness. So let’s not blame Maggie. For those who complain that Maggie cannot be eaten twice….well you got to improvise, invent, innovate. Fry some onions, tomatoes, capsicum, chilies and carrots. Put those into your Maggie…you have a delicious dish ready. You can experiment with eggs and chicken also.

And if you are fed up with Maggie you can try the ready to cook pasta. And if you are more adventurous you can cook pasta fresh. Hundreds of recipes are available online…just search a bit in google “pasta recipe”. My favorite is fry onions, capsicums, tomato and put boiled pasta in it. Stir is for few minutes and the put tomato sauce and Pasta sauce (I use the mushroom flavor). Add little water and dhaniya…and in few minutes you have pasta ready. Try this. But honestly it’s complicated. Better add some vegetables in Maggie and enjoy it. And do not worry about health. Health is not wealth but wealth is health. I mean if you donot have food to eat how can you be rich?

Please excuse me for this mumbo jumbo…actually I needed to write something because my head was well…it was itching inside. Now it’s gone. And you cannot expect anything better from me..I have gone back in the 90s…I was litening to the song “Gutur Gutur…Char gaya upar re” from Dalal before writing this. So totally in a kabutar mood! But now I am feeling good. And all the credit goes to you for your patience in reading this Gutur Gutur stuff. God bless you.

The Ignored Informers

2009-12-23T23:44:00.004+05:30

When somebody says ‘Spy’ you instantly remember James Bond. When someone says ‘Informer’ nothing comes to our mind. Spies are glorified while informer has a very boring ordinary existence. Why? Cause anybody can be an informer..you me everybody. I am specially talking about the police informers here. From the Autowala to the chaywala to the sabziwala…anyone can inform. And there are professional informers too…people who get paid by the police for informing about various upcoming sinister events. This is no less risky than spying. Informers get killed. They flirt with risk. But no one holds them in much esteem. Spies are more honorable. Unfortunately our world literature and society as a whole have never given these informers their due recognition. I have never come across a novel which has an informer as a protagonist. And even if the plot does have an informer he or she is killed and is just a character. Nothing else! I know you must be thinking why the hell I am so obsessed with an informer. Reason is today I saw one. Let me explain. My travel writer friend ran away early and I had to come back from my office all alone. No luxury car ride for me. I didn’t want to wait one hour in office for my Alto to come. So I decided to take the bus again. Last time I encountered a biri smoking crackpot tauji. And it gave me stuff to write. So this time decided to take the bus again hoping to encounter something interesting again. Besides budding writers need to travel more in public. So started walking towards the bus stand. Like every evening just opposite the Toefl coaching center were lot of police jeeps. And lot of policemen both in uniform and plain clothes were chatting with various persons. One of them at the other side of the road was taking cash from a truckwala. This is normal. I don’t know what happened to me but I decided to stop near them. I ordered a cup of tea and tried to overhear some conversations. And I was successful. A conversation was going on between a police and a shabbily dressed guy.

Police: You are sure!
Shabby Guy: Malik bola na! kal pakka wo ayega. Kam to karma hain usse. Kitna din aur gaon mein rahega. Parsu gari ke liye salim ko advance bhi diya.
Police: Pichli bar tune gadbad kiya. Time waste karwaya usne.
Shabby guy: Malik isbar khabar mein koi lafda hain hi nahi. Befikar rahiye.

Then the policeman left the guy alone and walked to the opposite side of the road where an animated conversation was going on between the policeman and the truckwala. The shabby guy waited for sometime and left. I was done with my tea and decided to proceed.

I am sure this guy was an informer. I wish I could have followed him. I wish I could know a little more about the conversation they were having. Who was the guy that will come tomorrow? A gangster? A robber? A carjacker? Or…my imagination created various images…everyone with a gun!

So what do you think? This informer is no less than a Spy isn’t it? The risk is no less than spying. But the credit these guys get are nil. God bless the informers. We are safe because of them. One more thing. Do not get so inspired that you start informing your best friend’s bedroom secrets to your close friends. That’s sabotage.

I want to vanish through an Orgasm.

2009-12-22T22:10:00.005+05:30

Woody Allen…the quintessential writer director actor…My favorite! Below is a typical Woody Allen stuff…

"In my next life I want to live my life backwards. You start out dead and get that out of the way. Then you wake up in an old people's home feeling better every day. You get kicked out for being too healthy, go collect your pension, and then when you start work, you get a gold watch and a party on your first day. You work for 40 years until you're young enough to enjoy your retirement. You party, drink alcohol, and are generally promiscuous, then you are ready for high school. You then go to primary school, you become a kid, you play. You have no responsibilities, you become a baby until you are born. And then you spend your last 9 months floating in luxurious spa-like conditions with central heating and room service on tap, larger quarters every day and then Voila! You finish off as an orgasm!" — Woody Allen

Amazing… God pleaseeee give me this life…I want to live my life from Death to Birth. I want to vanish through an Orgasm. Shakespeare would have been extremely embarassed if he had read this. Woody seems have taken a potshot at the bard's 'Seven ages of Man' in As You Like It. Jaques Buddy! Your melancholy is working no more. You have lost your job to Woody buddy!

Technology? Hell or Heaven?

2009-12-22T21:12:00.001+05:30

Technology is engulfing us. And they will enslave us soon. That’s what Pritish Nandy’s article “Flee the tech prision” in today’s TOI claimed. Prirtish is extremely frustrated that he can no longer calculate mentally…he needs the calculator..he can no longer remember birthday’s…needs the mobile’s reminder feature. He is a victim of technology. All the points he raised in the writeup are valid…but then valid conditionally. What is good for a guy might not be good for another guy.

As far as I am concerned I have no problems with technology. In fact I love technology. I was always a lazy bum kind of character. The pen and paper is a pain in the ass for me. Before computer arrived in my life I was ok with writing on paper. But once I got the keyboard………….hoooaaaaa…..khata khat khata khat…tak tak tak…backspace…tak tak! Delete! I experienced freedom! The power to write and delete without harming trees. Classical writers please excuse me. I have nothing against writing with pen…in fact I still have a gold tipped fountain pen but then I do not have any ink. Nobody stock ink these days in shops. So my fountain pen is kind of useless…just with me for pure memory. This pen was gifted to me by my uncle. It’s a costly pen. And it is also the same pen which I once used to splash ink on one of my classmate’s shirt. And I did this when his mother was teaching Chemistry. And I got caught. The kind of punishment I got…exemplary! Such an anguish over just few drops of ink?? Such a cruel world it is for creative kids!

Now with advent of technology people are no longer using ink pens…so no more chance of getting ink stains on shirt. Good thing right? People are also no longer using rims of papers thereby saving trees…again a good thing…right? Mr Pritish has argued that technology has robbed him of his mathematical skills. Well that very same technology has improved my mathematical skills by leaps and bounds. I was always weak in maths...always looked over the shoulders…hope you understand! But now I use my cell phone for every calculation. I buy vegetables and ask the guy “Kitna Hua bhai”
He says “Alu 20…pyaaj 40…tomatar…….bhendi...eksaw challis rupay”
And I calculate parallely with him. And I do it super fast. I couldn’t have done it so fast mentally. Thanks to my calculator in my mobile. So the very same technology which is disturbing Pritish is helping me.

Pritish says that Google solves most of his questions…he has no more need to browse for answers in books..no longer necessary to mug up facts. Isn’t it good sir? Now you can utilize the time for more reading…probably you can now read few more classics..probably online. Then Pritish says that he is now no longer required to remember important dates…his phone calendar makes him remember all the dates. Sir do you know that once I had forgotten my anniversary date and my wife refused to speak to me for half the day! And after that day I loaded my mobile with all important dates…birthday, shadiday, holiday to deathday….all possible days! And I am happy.

One thing that Pritish sir could have highlighted is the encroachment of technology in the bathroom. And I would have totally agreed with him. Maybe he is comfortable with it. Five years back when I came to this big city I had a tough time in my office bathroom on my first day at office. For a small town boy it was never possible to imagine in his wildest dream that a tap can start working once you put your hand beneath it. And I was stranded in the bathroom after coming out from the loo unable to wash my hand. I had to wait full ten minutes before a guy entered. I didn’t want to show that I am not able to decipher the tap puzzlw. So I kept looking at the mirror observing myself. He must be thinking what a crazy nut I was…looking at one’s self like that! I observed him putting his hand below the tap and Viola!! Water flowed out. God God God! Did you ever imagine this when you were creating the world? And the moment he was out I put my hand below the tap and washed my dirty hands. Please dearest engineers and innovators! I request you not to get so much creative. Keep certain things as it is. I will go mad if some creative stuff happens inside the loo.

Indian Think Tanks! Useless!

2009-12-22T20:15:00.001+05:30

The origins of think tanks are rooted deep in history. It has served the Romans and the Greeks excellently in their functioning and day to day policy affairs. The Greek dramatist Aristophanes tells us that Socrates taught his pupils not only thievery and disregard of the law in his Athens ”workshop”, but also the fine art of turning weak arguments into strong ones. Think tanks are institutions of political research, analysis, and debate, and are generally non-profit, independent nongovernment organizations. They generally transfer the knowledge to the political arena and advice the government in various spheres, from foreign policy, to defense to internal affairs; it contributes in a wide range. Universities generally focus on teaching and basic research. It is the think tanks that help bridge the gap between the world of ideas and action. In today’s complex rapidly changing globalized world, the importance of think tanks have increased exponentially.

And how is our dear country India performing as far as quality think tanks are concerned? The answer is a big zero! It is lagging behind by zillions of miles. Recently Singapore’s Lee Kuan Yew School of Public Policy sought to answer the question: ‘Can Indian think tanks and research institutions cope with the rising demand for foreign and security policy research?’ The answer was an emphatic ‘No.’ So you can easily guess the pathetic situation in which our country’s think tanks are at present. This is a serious concern. It is not that we do not have think tanks. According to a study by the Think Tanks and Civil Societies Program at the University of Pennsylvania, India is home to around 422 think tanks, next only to US. But problem with our Indian think tanks is their efficiency. Most of them are highly influenced by various ideologies and cannot give an independent opinion. Majority of their funding is done by the government and as the government change, the taste change also. The need of the hour is independent efficient think tanks which will be funded by a common fund irrespective of any government change at the center. And there should be a judicious mix of former bureaucrats and industry magnates. Unless different ideas clash, it will not result in proper idea generation. Autonomy is one more issue plaguing our Think Tanks. They should be made independent from political influence. Else the very idea of Think tank gets defeated.

Without think tanks India cannot match up with the big competitors like China, Brazil and South Africa. But to kick start the process of efficient think tanks our political system first need to appreciate the benefits of think tanks. But with so many goondas and uneducated crooks occupying the political space, the future look bleak. You cannot expect Mayawati and the Yadavs to appreciate the benefit of a think tank. But I am optimistic. We have lived optimistically since independence. We shall be able to live with it for years to come.

Lets support this Modi initiative

2009-12-22T00:23:00.003+05:30

Mr Narendra Modi has made voting compulsory in local body polls in Gujarat. And as with everything in India...as expected people opinion are divided. Some think it is great while some feel this is bullshit...a stunt! A pure political gimmick. India is seriously a strange country. When a bad thing happen some people will be always there to say ‘nothing bad has happened’. And when a good thing happen some people will always say ‘nothing good has happened’. I guess most of the time people oppose just to oppose and be at the other side of the line to hog the limelight. I support Modi in this. And I sincerely think voting should be made compulsory across all types of elections in India. Modi despite all the blemishes once in a while does some excellent stuff. And this is one such excellent act. Mr Arnab Goswami of Times Now is Modi Basher. He has genuine reasons but most of the times he just gets overboard. Today Arnab got some real embarrassment when he was interviewing Modi in the newshour. He asked Modi that as voting is compulsory now, citizens should also be given the right to reject a candidate and cast a blank vote. Arnab never expected Modi to say “Yes”. Unfortunately Modi told that the passed legislation has the option of casting blank vote. A voter can reject all the candidates if he/she wants. Now this is really a path breaking move. Arnab after hearing this answer told that everybody is saying this is a political gimmick as Mr Modi’s party never pushed this law nation wide despite been in power in quite a few states. Then Modi again embarrassed him by saying that Advani has raised this issue lot of times at parliament. Modi stole the show and had the last laugh. I have nothing against Arnab. He is a terrific guy and very passionate about news…a great anchor and host. But he should get over his Modi phobia. This is India. If his mind is still occupied with Godhra episode….well one needs to move on. We have no other way but to rely on the judicial system, however inefficient it may be. Good to see that Modi has found a big supporter of compulsory voting in his biggest enemy Lalu Prasad jadav. Lalu told that compulsory voting should be extended to Rajya Sabha and Lok Sabha. Point should be given some serious thought Soniaji.

Lets support this Modi initiative. And I sincerely request our Congress queen…sorry our prime minister Manmohanji to comeup with some kind of legislation to make voting compulsory across India. Most of the companies give a holiday on the Voting day. But most the people do not vote. They prefer to sit at home and enjoy. These people should be punished. Those who do not vote should not also have the right to crib later that we have bad politicians. As you sow so shall you reap. Madam are you…Oh sorry…Manmohanji hope you are listening!

An Excellent Party!

2009-12-20T23:45:00.007+05:30

Yesterday evening I attended my wife’s annual office party. The venue Worlds of Wonder, the entertainment park beside the Great India Place mall. It was a nice cute party with extremely friendly people all around. Initially I was a bit hesitant to go. I had a few hours of work at afternoon…this is extremely rare but once in a while work do pop up on Saturday. So was feeling like going to sleep but then decided to accompany my wife…was not feeling like staying at home alone. Besides I had heard loads of good things about her office folks, especially her boss and the country head. So was a bit eager to meet these two guys. And I met them at the party. They are extremely nice and cheerful. One is bound to feel comfortable in their company.

Dhol Bajdaa!!

This is scary!

Monibou and Toufi going to experience "free fall" soon!

Unlimited rides were one of the attractions of the party. I enjoyed the Disco ride and the car ride. The Disco ride was too much for my nerves. It was a classic case of heart in mouth situation…fucking scary but thrilling. The speed at which it was throwing us from one point to another was too much to bear…I felt that my head if going to crash once. After this ride decided not to take any more ride. This was enough to last a lifetime.

Unfortunately I was not able to find my whisky brand at the party. I generally prefer Teachers or BP these days. But found my university days’ brand there…Royal Challenge. RC, OC and Old Monk were the brands we could afford that time. Decided to take that. It was a good feeling, which can’t be explained in words. When you have something after years you are bound to feel a little excited. Good old hostel days. I missed my roommate Gopal. He was a big time RC fan who preferred to have it nit always even in summers. Later I realized that my brand was there. But the problem is I never asked. The food was tasty.

I encountered few gate crashers at this party. This is the first time I saw gate crashers. Generally read about them and recent Obama gatecrashers only made this subject more interesting. Two young couple entered the buffet area and enjoyed their food despite been caught by one of the office employee. Such shameless creatures. I guess the attraction of free excellent food is so much that the fear of getting caught and embarrassed in public do not affect them much. Shameless Salahis!!

Parting ways with TOI

2009-12-19T12:41:00.006+05:30

I have finally decided to stop reading TOI. TOI aversion was going on for a long time. I am a subscriber for this newspaper for the last five years and I have been a loyal reader. But honestly it is slowly loosing the capacity to excite me. May be I am dull and so not been able to appreciate the finesse. Whatever I pay for the paper daily and I have the right to be happy. My father used to subscribe to all sorts of odd Bengali news papers. I revolved against it because there were no cinema news, no pictures of cricketers….absolutely nothing to keep a teenager hooked. But slowly I realized that newspaper is for information. It’s main task is also to enlighten and not entertain. That’s what my father believed.

I was never exposed to English newspaper much apart from Telegraph. When I came to New Delhi five years back I could find neither Telegraph neither The statesman….papers which were hugely popular in Bengal. So I subscribed to Times and kept reading it for the last five years. But now no more. Why? Well for the last one year, thanks to Internet, I am reading Hindu and Indian Express frequently. And the recent Political Advertisement scandals highlighted by The Hindu and pushed by Indian Express have only increased my TOI hatred. TOI editor (if they have any!!) has a simple formula. Whatever news the paper publishes it must bring revenue. At the end of the day its money honey. And other newspapers like HT are no less.

Besides I am now fed up with two people’s write-ups in TOI. Bacchi Kakaria and Jug Suraiya. People well past their primes only trying to write to sound young and hip. Nah! Not my types. Jug used to write impressively years back. No longer. And Bachhi. She is always writing complicated stuff…sometimes on phonetics..sometimes on ethics and whatnot. Overall essence remains the same. If you cannot convince just confuse. I am in no mood to pay money every day and in turn get confused.

Recently with the advent of Chetan Bhagat getting a big editorial space every Saturday….sorry TOI, its better we part our ways. It's almost criminal to waste main editroal space by having an article written by some one who has run of ideas and busy writing about his love marriage, keeping in mind potential Bollywood script! He writes without knowing what his objective is. Like today he wrote a huge stuff on the problems of Indian Education and supply demand mismatch. And his solution is if you can have a kilometer wide mall why you can’t have a kilometer wide University. Well Mr Bhagat. Get out of Mumbai. Go deep inside India. You will see highways lined up with colleges after colleges. It's not the size of University which matter. There are lot of Kilometer wide Universities. For example Vidyasagar University (I studied here) in West Bengal. Such huge is the campus that two T20 match can go on comfortably with adequate spectators. But quality.....well agreeable. You have never highlighted the root cause of the problem of Indian education system. It is the lack of passion and utter neglect from the part of teachers. And it’s also the stupid political system which wants the country to remain a little backward. Infrastructure is fine but unless you know how to manage it its back to square one mate. You have studied in an IIT and IIM. So you will not understand what I am trying to say. UGC appoints the best brains (rote memory champions) as lecturers. And they are least bothered to teach inside the class. Teaching outside the class if more profitable for them. And Mr Bhagat. You keep beating around the bush. Try to acquire some guts and do some finger pointing my dear ‘best selling author’. If you think like you are the messiah of Indian Youth then do not write to please the editor and play to the gallery. Gets the facts out of the closet. You have got a chance, which people dream of. Use it. The country will be obliged if you do it. But then unfortunately you write for a entertainment paper called TOI. Even if you want you cannot. It is a paper full of Blackberry and laptop totting journalists. Paycheck matters more to them than their journalism.
Time to say goodbye TOI. Au Revoir!

Trying to be Chivalrous!

2009-12-18T22:17:00.003+05:30

Today after a long time I took the bus on my way back home. Every Friday my travel writer friend generally leaves early. The TGIF mood overpowers him so much that he runs away from his office at 2pm! Wonderful life he has. And that’s the life of an honorable senior manager…when the fuck I will be a manager like him?? I also want to leave at 2pm and relax.

I decided to take the bus today as I didn’t feel like paying Rs 100 to the auto. And the other important reason was I was not having proper winter gear to face the chilly wind of Delhi winter in an auto. So decided to play safe and take the bus. It will be a time consuming ride but at least it will be warm inside. I got into a minibus after waiting a long time for the government bus. The green AC buses plying on the roads looks very attractive and I wanted to try it out today. But despite waiting for almost half an hour no bus arrived for my route. Government punctuality. So unwillingly I got inside a rickety minibus and took a seat at the back. Most of the windows were half broken and a good quantity of biting wind was playing with us inside. A tauji was smoking a biri. Nobody told anything. I kept quiet. The biri smell was disgusting. The seat behind him was vacant. At sec 18 two girls fully loaded with books boarded the bus. They sat behind the tauji and unfortunately could not digest the strong biri smell. They coughed and tried to shield the smoke with their dupatta. The very people who ignored Tajuji’s smoking now got Vocal. One told him mutedly to throw the biri. Another guy joined. Then another. The Tauji looked ferocious and did not listen to any one of them. I looked at the girl. She was preety. And I remembered my Chivalrous Travel writer friend. Today morning a group of four beautiful girls were trying to cross the road. They were medical college students. It was a two way road and no car was slowing down. My friend slowed his car down and signaled them to pass by. Now this is what I call gentlemanly behavior! A true Knight! Chivalry man…the way to a woman’s heart.

“Abe biri phek de tau…logon ko parisani ho raha hain” I told in a loud voice uncontrollably. Fuck! I didn’t want to tell this. What the hell happened I don’t know. Tauji looked back with Red eyes. “Kaun hain” he boomed.
“Yaar logon ko parisani ho raha hain…phek do na malik” I told politely. Mind the word ‘malik’. I mewed in fact. He was too strong compared to me. But my chivalry was intact. The girls are having a tough time with the smoke. And somebody need to protect them.
“Nahi mujhe biri pina hain. Mein piyunga. Jo karna hain kar le”. He shouted.

Now I was not prepared to get deep inside. I could have told him more but it would be useless. I cursed my travel writer friend for running away early and pushing me into this mess. The girls looked at me. I looked out of the window. Luckily the conductor intervened. He was also a big guy. He put his hand on Tauji’s shoulder and told him to throw the Biri away. His tone was fucking scary. Tauji complied without a word. Such is a power of a booming voice. I looked at the girls. They were not looking at me.

And soon it got very boring. The speed of the bus was anything but inspiring. Suddenly it increased its speed and started running like an injured bull. The conductor told the driver “aj Rao ki gari ko ekdum side mat dena. Dekh lenge aj salley ko”.

The bus stopped at sector 37 bus stop for a long time. The girls got down. There were around ten buses waiting at the stand and all were going in the same route. And each bus conductor shouted at the top of his voice wooing the passengers. Lot of adjectives were used…super, superfast, rajdhani. Finally the bus started. And again it was a boring ride. After almost an hour I reached home.

Did I enjoy my bus ride? Honestly No! But then if beautiful faces are inside I am game. Only condition is there should be no Tauji.

What the hell is happening at Copenhagan??

2009-12-17T22:44:00.002+05:30

I really do not understand what the hell is happening at Copenhagan. Why are we wasting time over there? Nothing is going to materialize. The fucking Americans are not going to reduce their debt driven consumption and their stinky emissions. And the poor countries want money from America to cut green house emissions. What a joke! America never agreed to Kyto protocol and the “Polluter pays principle”. So they wont agree now also as usual. They will continue their consumption and emission..afterall they have 745 cars per 1000 person. Some reduction might happen on paper as everybody seems to be obsessed with green even in the US....but their intentions are doubtful. America's overall consumption and spending will go on. And China with all their hype and hoopla will continue to provide the debt to America. Both need each other badly…both their fate interlinked. Europe seems a little serious but without Japan and US on board…well you cannot expect them to act. What has India to gain from Copanhagan? Nothing apart from public speaking skills for Mr Jairam Ramesh. Mr Pachuri is also there at Copanhagen…our homegrown big shot Environmentalist. Mr Pachuri I have something to say to you. You are a water melon. Green from outside but red inside. To hell with you. You guys are just escalating this carbon thing so that the “green” market which is presently miniscule opens up. Instead of bringing the real issues, the global leaders are fighting over who pays how much…who gains what. And Mr Obama. I have never seen such a trick star like you….Mr Yes We can! You were supposed to be a Climate champion..somebody who loves mother earth. President ban gaya to bhul gaya sab kasme irade! You are no less than our Dirty Indian politicians. I guess Lalu Prasad Jadav is better than you than as far as Carbon footprint goes. Your carbon footprint is too high. Off late there is also a rumour that forums like Copanhagen is all bullshit. The Michael Crichtons of the world inspired by ‘State of Fear’ are saying this is a conspiracy to ruin the west and other rich nations! Amazing. But the wheel of change is roating! What goes up comes down! India China needs to get together. I sincerely believe that these two countries have the power to change things for better. The west had ruined the world twice! Not this time. We have the resources. We have the energy! We have the youth. West is old...haggard decaying. Forget them. They will die slowly. We need to create our own future.

I wrote some amazing bullshit today isn't it?

Thats Crazy!!

2009-12-16T19:49:00.002+05:30

Today I read a supremely funny and interesting news in the Times Global page. A newlywed couple’s bed was rigged and a message was sent to the micro blogging site Twiter every time they had sex. The bed was rigged by the ‘Bestman’, who knew the couple quite closely. A pressure sensitive pad was put inside the bed sheet, which was connected to a computer. So everytime it sensed pumping jumping, a twit was sent. And this twit had all the details starting with the start time, end time, force and even a so called “frenzy index”. Man that’s crazy! And to top it all there was also a Judge’s comment!! Points were awarded based on the performance. It emulated everything of a hit reality show. I sincerely pray that this news gets ignored by our Indian television producers. The way Indian reality shows are popping up, I won’t be surprised if I find Rakhi Sawant and her Canadian hubby participating in a live bedroom late night masala show. The Mahajans and company can also pitch in! Anything is possible! So friends beware! Check everything before you decide to enjoy in the bed! And please keep it dark. That way you can possibly fool the hidden camera if not the ‘pressure sensitive pad’! And keep an eye on your close friends as they are the ones who generally have these ideas! You want privacy in your bed isn’t it?

Mood Off Buddy......

2009-12-15T23:39:00.002+05:30

Not in a mood to write today. Yesterday I got a “jor ka jhatka”. I am now the only guy working in the information management section of our research team. My colleague yesterday suddenly announced that he has taken a release from the project and is joining a different project. He was looking for some other project silently. I was completely surprised when I heard that he is leaving. Good for him. I have to handle things all alone from now on. Not a big deal! I have always responded to the so called Call of Duty. I will deliver! have done tougher things before. But the only issue is I will be completely alone…nobody to discuss things...nobody to chat a bit..nobody. But such is life! Everyone works from Kolkata while I am the lone ranger from Delhi…kind of Last man standing. Only good thing is that my boss at Kolkata is a nice person. OK I know you not interested to read this personal ranting and blah blah…so let me stop this.

Let’s talk something interesting. Two interesting things! First one is something I read in the newspaper today related to Copenhagan chaos in progress. USA has 745 cars per 1000 person while India has 12 and Bangladesh has just 2. I consider myself supremely blessed. I own a car. And so are you. In India we all who own a car need to bring our carbon footprint down. I guess the way petrol prices are inching up we will soon be forced to take ‘passengers’ in our cars. As far as I am concerned I am clean. I share a ride with my travel writer friend. So we both are carbon free. But we see lot of people driving big SUVs all alone. These guys need to be caught and penalized. But then I guess I am sounding too harsh on our Fellow Indians. We just have only 12 cars per thousand! What about the bloody Americans? They are lecturing us in Copanhagen to reduce our carbon footprint! Come on Obamaji! Our carbon emission is 93% less than yours. First set your own house in order and then lecture us. I think Indian government is doing its bit. There is hope in the form of Jairam Ramesh. All my support is with him. Sometimes he does a bit bakwas..but its fine. Without bakwas he will cease to be a loving Indian…no offence but little pagalpan is fine. Between us.

Second interesting one is regarding an American commentator. I have always considered theses Americans to be crazy people. People who do not have any morals, ethics and are outright greedy! People who are continuously screwing each other. Wife not gelling well with Husband, son finding solace in the arms of a prostitute, daughter more comfortable partying naked than spending time at home. Kind of crazy society..Pole dancing all the way! Ok my view may be blurred...once in a while who doesn't like a Poledance? The serious problem is with their views? An American commentator called Glenn Beck today in Fox News has told that our sacred river Ganga ‘sounds like a disease’. He said: "One big river they have there, that sounds like a disease. Come on, it does. I mean if somebody said, I am sorry, you have a really bad case of Ganges." His program also aired a clip of an American women saying that healthcare in US is fucking costly. She had gone to Delhi to get a surgery done. This surgery if it was done in US would have cost her around $40-50000. The commentator justified the high price by saying Doctors in US were trained in elite institutions like Harvard while doctors in Delhi were students of some college like ‘Garja Raja medical college’. So obviously there will be a price difference. Stupid! Isn’t it? This is America. Bloody bloodsuckers! Unfortunately most of the Indians feel blessed when they land in US. And most of them do not want to come back. They want to be citizens of USA. That’s what one can call patriotism! Sare jahan se Achha…USA humara.

No Magazine! Its Scotch For You!

2009-12-14T22:56:00.004+05:30

My friend has returned from US without getting me the things that I had requested for. I had told him to get me a copy of ‘The New Yorker’ and ‘New York Times’ paper. Although these are available online but feeling the real things is a completely different experience. So had requested him to get these for me. But he decided not to buy them because he couldn’t digest the price. Both of them cost $5. So it like Rs 250 in our Indian currency. According to him, paying 250 bucks for a magazine or a paper is a criminal offence. Milions of people are without food in India and it will not be morally correct for me to spend such a princely amount on a magazine or a paper. So he decided not to buy them. Instead he has got a bottle of scotch for me. When I asked him what about the hungry poor Indians….he told the bottle is food for the mind and the soul and cannot be counted as wastage of money! What an argument! I checked the bottle for the price. It was costly!! When I asked him why did he get the bottle which is so costly he told that a similar bottle in India will cost around Rs 5000 or a bit more. he got at almost half the price in US. So it was profitable. And besides he has read (where he has forgotten) that Khuswant Singh drinks Scotch regularly. And he is a famous writer. So as I aspire to be a writer this scotch will do me wonders in my literary journey. Amazing viewpoint and insight! So much concern! I guess that is why from my childhood he still remains my best friend!

Ab mein ja raha hu Talli hone! Bhar mein jaye writing shiiting. Bhar mein jaye duniya….mein talli mein talli mein talli go gaya…………….

Me and My Minimax!

2009-12-13T21:57:00.004+05:30

One thing that I have always been denied in my childhood is Perfume. My mother always used to tell me that perfume is the student’s worst enemy. It robs the urge to study and makes the mind wander. And I couldn’t say much! So I used to satisfy myself by using Lux. In fact I used to rub it hard! Twice, thrice..at least some fragrance should come out! Till class VIII things went fine but soon it got difficult for me to resist the urge of wearing some kind of perfume. Most of my friends used it. I dreamed of perfume day and night! Rose, sandal, lavendarm…jasmine…When will my day come?

In class IX when I went to my Grandpa’s place during my Puja vacation, I got myself a bottle of Agaru. I did not buy this. Neither can you call ‘Agaru’ a perfume. It is basically a kind of Holy perfume used in various Pujas, specially Durga puja. My grandfather who was a priest had ample stock of these Agaru bottles. The smell was more or less ‘Temple’ like – something similar to the Panchavati incense stick mixed with something else. I cannot explain. All I can say is it was different. Something which had enough punch to make you stand out in the crowd.

I started using this. My friends laughed at me smelling this ‘holy’ smell. Luckily the smell was there for an hour or so. Unfortunately I got caught. I was such a fool that I used to keep this bottle in my school bag. And one day the bag fell from the table and the bottle broke. And soon the entire flat became the abode of ‘holy’ smell. And the source of this smell was split wide open. Strangely my mother did not scold me. Neither my father. My father who at the slightest pretext liked twisting my ears let go of this wonderful opportunity. What’s wrong guys! My mother told me politely not to use ‘perfume’. Everything comes at a time. And when I grow up I can use lots of perfume. Nobody will stop me. Then she told something interesting from Rabindranath Tagore’s childhood. Rabindranath was born in a rich Zamindar family. But unfortunately all throughout his childhood he was denied pockets! I mean his pants didn’t have pockets. His father instructed their home tailor not to make any pocket in his children’s trousers. He felt that pockets are wastage of clothes. It’s simply not required! The values of frugality was imbibed deep within little Rabindranath from an early age. I put my hands inside my pockets. I will not allow anyone to deny me my pockets! I didn’t get the finer point. I lacked intellect.

Like a Cat, soon I forgot all the ‘gyans’ from my parents. I started using my father’s after shave lotion as perfume. And this time when I got caught my father twisted my ears. Both the ears. At highschool I finally mustered enough courage to buy a small bottle of Minimax perfume for Rs 5. Again I got caught. But this time nobody told me anything strict. Mother just told me to wait till the time comes. Till I get established and start leading my own life. She didn’t take the bottle away. I don’t know what happened to me but I never used any perfume after that. I still have the little ‘Minimax’ bottle with me. In 2005 when I came to Delhi for my first job, I got the bottle with me. I applied it once only to find that this perfume is not at all suitable in this megacity. People kept staring at me at my very first day at office! Thanks to Minimax! The smell was too strong. It was more like ‘Ittar’ than a proper perfume. I tried experimenting a bit. Got some cheap stuff from the local market. But realized they are not the ‘in’ thing. Unfortunately there was no one to guide me to the world of perfumes. It was simple trial and error method. Soon I got introduced to the thing called ‘body spray’. And I got an ‘Axe’. I liked the smell but not a single girl got attracted. The ‘Axe’ advertisement claimed something similar. Then I moved on to Park Avenue. Then to Lomami…finally settled for Playboy.

Today after five years I have almost a collection. Nothing too expensive but I have enough of varieties in my stock. But the bottle of that Rs 5 ‘Minimax’ remains! Its smell makes me remember my childhood, my hometown, my school, and everything that accompanied me lovingly towards my transition to adulthood.

Inside the mind of Google

2009-12-13T00:21:00.002+05:30

Today I saw a program in CNBC called ‘Inside the mind of Google’. And I am afraid. I am terribly afraid! All my online secrets can go public anytime. Well I have nothing to hide! I am an honest tax paying citizen. I am not affiliated to any banned organization. And I am straight too. But then once in a while I have searched google for sizzling stuff. Who doesn’t man? But then if this kind of information lands up in my close circle…well its embarrassing. Even you, my friend is not safe. Your secrets can come in the public too. Nobody is safe…nobody. And this is all courtesy Google, which is arguably the world’s most powerful company. How come most powerful? Well, it deals with data…highly sensitive data. We live in the age of information where knowledge is power. So if I know more than you I am powerful. And Google knows more about everyone than anybody else. So it’s the most powerful. Correct?

Google stores the search ‘strings’ we use. It stores it for 18 months tagged to the IP of your PC. And after than it moves it to anonymous category. So if someone asks Google who is the person in India searching the most for kinky stuff online…or who something else...well Google has the answer. Any question, The answer is with Google! You may shout ‘Hey this is Blatant violation of privacy’. But who cares buddy? The emails you send, the chat you do over Gtalk, your orkut activities, and now the new Google Wave. All are getting stored. And Google says they are doing this for research and fine tuning their codes. So far so good. But what if this data gets leaked or falls in the wrong hand. Till date Google has taken User Privacy very seriously. But what if few years down the line it just decides to change its policy. And any company is not built to last. What then? In the US Google is bound by law (Patriot Act) to share any information about any individual or group if the government demands. And it is also bound by similar laws in other countries. What if the Government misuses the data? Eric, Google CEO in an interview told that Google will share the data with law enforcement agencies if required. The user can be sure that his private information will not be misused. He is absolutely safe. Google respects user privacy. But if the user has done something wrong Google can possible share the info. If the user has done something, the user shouldn’t have done it in the first place itself. Interesting view!

A lot of User rights activists are saying that Google is sharing user data covertly with various companies. Might not be true. Might be true. I am nobody to argue on this. But today when I decided to open a Facebook account an interesting thing happened. After giving the basic information and my email is, Facebook prompted me to add few friends who I might know. It gave a list of 25 people. And I knew each of them. How did they do it? I had given my gmail id as my login email. Did it get all the information based on this email which is again linked with Orkut? How did they access my gmail? What the hell is going on! I have deactivated my Facebook. I will deactivate my Orkut too. I will start writing letters once again. No more scapping and emailing. Pen is mightier than Google!

Poor Bhagat!

2009-12-12T00:05:00.006+05:30

Don't Chop it off Dude!

Chetan Bhagat is a furious man these days! His royalty check is going down day by day. And he blames it on piracy. Come on Bhagatji! Your book officially costs Rs 90. And in book stores and online it’s available between Rs 60-70. So printing pirated copies of your book does not make much sense Sir! Your recent book ‘Two States’ is simply not worth reading. So people are not buying it. Period. Your own BPO crowd seems no longer interested in your hype and hoopla. Poor You! And the way you twittered about Piracy and blocked people who supported piracy…Oh man grow up! Its simple supply and demand economics at work. I give you a small example. You know Amitabh Ghosh I believe. His books are generally priced at around Rs 400 (Don’t fall from your chair. Literary bigshots don’t sell their books at Rs 90). And pirated copies of Amitabh are available for Rs 100. I have two copies of them. Why did I buy it? Cause I could not afford the original ones Mr Bhagat. You think me to be an inferior person…right? That’s what you told in twitter..its something like “if you do not have the capacity to buy a book do not buy it. No point in pirated book. It kills the Indian creativity and makes people look west ward”. Mr Bhagat why don’t you tell this to the crooked and greedy publishers. Does it really cost that much to print a book. So Chetanji, if someone offers a product which is almost similar in quality with the original at 1/4th of the original price….shouldn’t I buy it? Tell me? There is a website called http://www.ebookee.com/. Visit this website sometime Mr Bhagat. You will understand how piracy helps! There is a Photography book which I always wanted to buy…was not able to buy because it was priced at Rs 2500. In ebookee.com this book’s pdf version was available for download. Free. I downloaded it and read it. And I am happy. I know somebody might be upset because I didn’t buy the book. But then they have priced it so high that even if few copies sell its enough profit for them. So Bhagat grow up! And next time try to write beyond your IIM. Enough of it! We all are fed up. And price your books below Rs 20. It’s genuinely worth that money.

My Grandpa's Gift

2009-12-10T22:14:00.002+05:30

I miss my grandpa. I am sure everyone misses their grandpa. And for a variety of reasons. Some miss their jocund company, their constant love, their ability to console us when things look bad and scary. And the naughty kids who are now grownup might miss them for the constant shielding they gave against the parents, who were hell bent in making them study. I miss my grandpa for his huge stock of stories. During every school vacation I used to go to my mother’s hometown. And i always found grandpa waiting at the bus stop…arms wide open. I was his pet. Every night before sleep he used to tell me stories. Stories of numerous ghosts he had encountered in his life time. Stories of those ghosts who were still staying in the nearby mango trees, in the surrounding bamboo trees around the pond and also in the Banyan tree which was just at the entry point to the house. I was awe struck. Every morning I used to go near those trees and observe them closely. Grandpa told that in morning the ghosts simply vanished in the air. They start getting their shape with the sunset. And when the sun is gone for the day, they come back to their respective shelters. Children who did not listen to elders were taken away by these ghosts. Children who did their studies well were given various gifts. I was convinced. I was a very convincible kid. Out of sheer greed to get a gift I used to finish my vacation homework daily. And grandpa also told that those who read storybooks were ‘good kids’ according to the ghosts. And he got me all kinds of Bengali storybooks from his school library. I used to read them devotedly. Initially I didn’t like to read but soon the reading bug bite me. And before I could know I had turned into a voracious reader. Every night I used to sleep thinking tomorrow I will get the gift. Finally I got the gift. One winter morning I got up and found a toy pistol beside my pillow. I ran to my grandpa. I ran to my Grandma. I ran around the house jumping up and down! Oh the joy…the jubilation! Even the people who win the Oscar or the Noble are not as ecstatic as I was! After breakfast I ran through the entire village taking the pistol with me. I showed it to everyone. A gift from the ghost. Some laughed; some encouraged me to do my studies well so that I can get more gifts. I kept getting various gifts every year. This went on for few years. Soon I was old enough to catch the trick! It was my loving grandpa who was playing the good ghost. The ghost who encouraged me to study. The ghost who inspired me to spin yarns. The ghost who made me understand that the book is the man’s best friend. I was taught by my grandpa that anything that your mind can conceive, you can have. It's a reality.

Twenty eight years of my life has now passed. My grandpa is now seventy five. Still going strong, full of energy. I have moved out of my home state long back and now meet him once a year…that too for few hours. Life has got busy for me. But then a man needs to earn his living. Today more and more, when I single out the person out who inspired me most, I go back to my grandfather.

And God Bless the United States of India!

2009-12-10T20:05:00.002+05:30

India is in the process of becoming USA….sorry USI. Confused? USI stands for United States of India. Well it will remain a democracy but it will be no longer called the Republic of India. Now if this happens will it be good for us? I don’t know. But one thing I am sure it won’t be good for the country as a whole. Only the politicians and their families will benefit from this. There will be more Chief Ministers, more departments, more expenditure…but then we honest tax payers really don’t have much to do. I guess we lack energy in bringing about the change we need. It’s the classic Catch22 situation. Everybody wants to do a ‘Rang de Basanti’ but who will bell the cat?
Kudos to that opportunist K Chandrasekhar Rao. His party morale was at all time low. His political future was at under the cloud. His back was against the wall. So what he did? Just went in a hunger strike! And look at the lovely Congress leadership under noble Soniaji. Instead of tackling the situation iron handedly they readily agreed! Ballabhai Patel must be crying! Our home minister was more concerned about this Rao’s health than the health of India. But then how can he show concern for the country? Just dive deep and you will figure it out yourself how he won his election! So after the 11 days of fasting, Rao has got what he wanted. He deserved to die but then GB Shaw has rightly told ‘God is the greatest comedian of the earth’. Instead of death, Rao has got a separate Telengana state. The 29th state of India. So simple pressure tactics have worked with the central government. This congress government can take decisions very boldly these days. There is no opposition. BJP is too busy putting its house in order! Hey Ram!

Now as an Indian I do not want to debate where the formation of Telengana is justified or not. Cause if I say this is not justified there will be thousands of arguments thrown at me including the one which will proclaim how Telengana region was brutally exploited by people from Andhra. And honestly they may be true to a certain extent. You cannot clap with one hand…right? But the concern is if today it is separate state for Telengana, tomorrow it will be some different state. I guess Subash Ghisingh is already chalking out his plans for Gorkha Land. It’s going to be easy for him. All he has to do is fast. I agree it takes courage…fast unto death is not easy. But then most of these politicians are not suitable for anything apart from their old shitty politics. So better to die than going jobless and beg. So we Indians should be prepared for many more independent states in the future. The politics of internal partition of India is very dangerous for unity of the country. But then who cares. The Chinese and the Pakis must be mighty pleased seeing this Telengana development. In fact Chinese must be scolding the Pakis saying “You see you just wasted our billions developing those nuclear bombs. You do not need nuclear bombs to screw India. They have enough people inside their country to screw it up. Return our money”.

So friends gear up. Be prepared. It’s high time we be ready for a new development – “United States of India”. God Bless you! And God Bless the United States of India.

Biometric Pain

2009-12-09T23:33:00.002+05:30

Mr Chidambaram what have you done sir? Why are you trying to change things for better? You were a much loved person as a finance minister. Now as a home minister you are (I guess) the most hated person in the government circle. The Maoists already hated you.( you are always up their ass). And now your very own government employees hate you. Why have you done this Sir? Why the hell do you want to introduce ‘Biometric Attendance System’ in government offices? Why do you want to track these employees’ attendance? They are so used to signing in the register, which is so difficult to track. And now everyone is protesting. Employees in most of the government offices are breaking these machines…or putting glue inside the sensor. They will sabotage this noble effort of you sir…they will. The noble professors are also not happy. How dare you question their commitment…they are teachers sir….teachers…Nation Builders. Why do you want them to spend a certain amount of time regularly inside the classes? This will make the students more intelligent sir, which in turn will fuel the GDP growth….not good Sir..not good at all. Let them enjoy their life Sir. They only have one life to waste. They are used to it. If you push more they will go to strike and the students will suffer. Delhi University Teachers Union are already contemplating a strike! Leave the useless sarkari karmachari alone Sir…please. These useless idiots are good for nothing. And we tax payers are used to it. Don’t jeopardize our life in this way…cause I know the kind of person you are you won’t quit this biometric initiative so easily. And ‘strikes’ are inevitable! And we will suffer.

Sir if you are really serious about ‘Biometric Attendance’ then do us a favor. Terminate those employees who do not want to comply. I know riots will happen…political pressure will be upon you to terminate your Biometric plans. But please do not quit sir. These government employees are so used to taking their pay cheque without doing anywork that they wont put their hands down easily. But I am sure with your iron resolve things will fall in line. So fire a few of these Sarkari Karmachari. Start with those ghost employees of MCD. Start it sir. Firing is the best way. We tax payers will support you fully in this. To make our country a better place we are ready to bear the temporary pain. Jai Hind!

Can we have this fundoo product Mr Banker?

2009-12-09T22:25:00.006+05:30

My travel writer friend is getting extremely impatient these days. He hates this big city ‘Delhi’ and wants to break free from the ‘stifling corporate life’. But then to pay the bills he needs to go on. My condition is kind of similar. But I can’t do this so early. He has reached a stage where he possibly can take a call. Today he told me that he wants to live in a small village up in the mountains. A village where everybody knows everybody… a place where the entire population falls asleep by 10pm…a place from where he can see the snow capped mountain blessing him every morning. The perfect place where he can write his novel uninterrupted. But then to live this kind of a dream life one needs to have a constant flow of income. We are not Ambanis! So I told him to take a pension plan and keep investing heavily over the next 10 years. And keep his exposure to equity at high level. He should be able to have a good corpus even at an average growth of 10% per year. Equity gives good returns over the long term. But the problem is Inflation.

Inflation is the monster which eats away everything. Look at the food prices growing astronomically every week. The humble potato quoting Rs 25 per kg! How will my friend sustain? I think there should be a product which will take care of the inflation. Like a bond which gives…say 6% post inflation…the inflation can be whatever amount...the rate of returns remains at 6%. So if inflation is at 12% the rate of return is at 18%. I guess no bank has the balls to devise a product like this. Inflation is something on which hardly anyone has control. How can they factor that in their product? But then I ask why not? You bankers and the Investment Bankers (now almost extinct) guys are speculators…So speculate guys! Charge us money and gives us the product! I bet that if a product like this come in the market it will be a huge hit…specially with the senior citizens and people nearing their retirement. A 5 year fixed deposit can look attractive at 8% but with inflation shooting to 10% the return turns negative. :(

Is anybody listening? Can we have this fundoo product Mr Banker?

Have you ever run away from your home?

2009-12-08T21:29:00.003+05:30

Have you ever run away from your house? ‘No’ is the answer……..right? Most of the worldly people never runs away from their house. But some have the achievement to their credit! And I am one of them! You must be thinking Achievement Huh! Yes… I believe it is an achievement. You need extreme guts topped with loads of frustration, anger, shame, rebellious mindset to achieve this feat. It’s a cocktail of red hot stuff! And once like many others I had this cocktail! How was the taste? Well you need to run away from your house to know it.

I did this honorable thing when I was in the Sixth standard. This is the age when parents dream about their Child’s future. And like every other mom, my mom was concerned about my future. Oneday after seeing one of my sketch she had the audacity to dream that I have the skills of becoming the next Maqbool Fida Hussein. No No…I did not paint anybody nude! I remember clearly the day when my mother spotted the budding painter in me. It was a Sunday afternoon. Both my parents were sleeping. I tip toed out of the bed. I had nothing to do. And I decided to do a sketch to kill time. I did a pencil sketch of ‘Radhe Krishna’ together in my drawing book. Well even till today I am super confused how the hell it turned out so well! Probably when you paint God something supernatural happens! My mother seeing the painting wanted me to join a drawing school. Now most of my friends did this and that apart from the boring studies. Some learnt karate, some cricket, some were into theatre. So I readily agreed. And I joined a local drawing school. And pretty soon my teacher found me out to be pathetic with colors. I sketched well. But soon after few weeks he told us to start using water colours. And he also wanted us to do pastel colour mixing. Man it got real tough! I did a mockery of myself with the brushes. And I started hating going there. But the young teacher was adamant. He seemed hell bent in converting me in to some kind of a Pablo Picasso. Soon the exam dates arrived. Enough is Enough! I bunked my class. Those days there were no cell phones etc. So it was hard for people to find it out. I went straight to the river side and spent two hours there. I was always a nature lover. I spent around two hours watching the sparkling water, the birds returning home along with the fishermen, the sunset over the river, the salty wind caressing my face. Soon it went dark and I started walking towards my home. An uncle who stayed in our sector saw me. He was returning home from his office in his bicycle. He smiled. I smiled. No suspicion at all. But I was wrong. He told my parents that I was seen near the river side, all alone. I understand his concern…but a child should have little freedom man! When I arrived home I found my mother waiting at the gates.

“Nodir dhare ki korchilis tui eka eka” (what were you doing alone at the riverside), my mother boomed.
“I went there after my drawing class to observe the river for my homework” I tried to look poetic and sensible.
“Don’t lie. I know you didn’t go to the drawing class.”
How did she know? Ufff…mothers are too much. They are capable of catching the lie just by looking at the eyes!

And the action started when my dad came. He hit me black and blue. Told me to get out of the house. And I obliged. The power cut aided my runaway. I went out and took shelter in the nearby park. But it looked Childish! If I am hiding I need to hide in a proper place. And also in some place where people won’t look for me. (Imagine Jab We Met. Shahid and Kareena hiding on rooftop). So I went to the back of our building which had lot of trees. A canal passed through that place and there was a rickety bridge over it. I crossed the bridge and positioned myself behind a tree. It was dangerous. The place was dark and scary. But then people who run away need to be ‘daring’.

And soon people started looking for me. Every fifteen minutes I went to the other side and had a close look. I could hear known voices. All in the hunt! Sunny wanted Alive! Our house was in the ground floor. I tiptoed near the window from the back. My mom was crying. Dad was sitting with a grim face. Lot of neighbors gathered inside. Everybody had one question “Where did sunny run away? He is a kid and hope nothing bad happens to him.”

Soon my maternal uncle who was staying with us for his office work found me out. He had the intelligence to look at ‘one’s own backyard’. And I was violently brought back home. I didn’t want to return. He had to pull my ears to get me inside. And I was in. What a warm welcome I had! People consoled me instead of abusing me. My mother gave me a glass of warm milk. Wah! I never knew I was so much loved by all! So much concern! I was flattered! I promised myself that I will run away once a month. Well I didn’t keep that promise.

Today after so many years when I remember those days I feel nostalgic. What is life? Nothing but a bagful of memories that soon gets lost in oblivion. I wish those Indians who have stashed away Rs 1400 billion of black money in Swiss banks realized this.

Playing Devil For a Week!

2009-12-07T23:16:00.005+05:30

I am getting very bad these days! I want people too lose money. I generally get this urge once a year during the Last week of November. Two years back during that time I lost Rs 35000 in few hours. I was day trading and I went short while the sexsex tanked bigtime. And I got screwed bigtime in the process. You want to know the stock name? Rei Agro! It killed me man. I bought few thousand at 92 using my leverage exposure. And it sweetly went down to 72 before I decided to sell everything off. And how lucky I was. It touched the abysmal depth of 60. Where the fuck was the circuit breaker? Bottomline this loss made me close my demat a/c forever. I promised myself that stocks are too hot and I donot have the balls to handle such hot stuff. Mutual funds are better for people who lack the balls…or should I say more risk averse?

But although I don’t trade I do trading indirectly. How? I advise my friends in office! I just give them tips....mostly during November end to celebrate my loss. And why would they take my tips? Why not? I have made an image of a guy who is an astute trader. Someone who knows the nuances of stock market like the palm of his hand. Deception is an art man! Just practice! It satisfies me so much when I see people losing money. But I do not directly advice them. What I have done is I have fabricated a story regarding befriending a young CFO in a cocktail party. As for his qualifications go he is an alumnus of London School of Economics and a CFA. Pretty respectable Huh? And whatever tips I convey...it flows indirectly… it is the CFO who has told me and I am doing a favour to everybody by sharing it. And I am a preety good story teller. I was about to enter a Film Institute as a student of “Direction and Screen Play writing”. So my skills are unquestionable! And I also believe in “if you can’t convince then just confuse”. Most of my preys fall in line when they hear CFO fundas. Too hard to resist type. Like I tell them Fidelity has picked up 28 lakh share in a block deal in xyz company. In two months this xyz company is going to be acquired by a blue chip at a huge premium. The balance sheet is not well so the company is looking for a buyer. And before anybody calls foul I stop my deception. I just do it for just a week maximum. It’s my way to celebrate my loss. You want to kick my ass……isn’t it? Kick it…I am least bothered.

My advice to all those people who trades on rumors…beware. Use your own judgment (if you have any)! There are thousands of devils like me who wants some long term fun! I am just a Kid in front of them. And you don’t want to be prey to those devils? Right?

Baba cholo na! O Baba!

2009-12-07T22:08:00.003+05:30

Somebody whom I respect a lot had told me that if one has the destroying aspiration to be a writer then one has to perfect the art of eavesdropping. You can’t just keep imagining and make your stories…your stock will finish soon or late. And then you have to borrow from here and there. Newspapers can provide you certain bites…but then those bites are available to all the dogs like me! And it’s a dog eat dog world! So people’s conversation is the best source for your stories, for your essays, for your rantings and other blah blah. So for the last one year I am trying to practice this art. Initially when I started eavesdropping I dragged myself close to dangerous situations. Once I got almost beaten by a strong wellbuild hairy Sardarji. And what was my fault. A hot Punjabi kudi was chatting animatedly with some not so hot Sardarji. Husband and wife: pathetic combination, I was a better candidate. Anyway I wanted to overhear. They were seating in one of the benches opposite the Woodlands showroom in the mall. I positioned myself few feet away from the lady. I kept looking at the Woodland showroom scanning shoes. She was complaining about Sardarji not coming home early. The Sardarji was giving excuses. And she told that Sasuma keeps saying that Khush Khabar kab sunne ko milega. I understood what she was trying to convey. If Sardarji is not much available with the Sardarni, how the newborn will arrive! I was hooked. Interesting material for my story. And then the Sardar boomed at me “Bhaisahab! Aap tab se picche khare ho! Koi problem boss?”. I tiptoed out like a mouse. But these days my ear has become much trained. I can follow conversations from a distance! Just like I take my measurements from a distance! And by and by I have developed an Eavesdrop database! It’s fully loaded in my head! But off late I hear no more interesting conversations! Am I getting rusty? Or the world is becoming a grimmer place? Last week when I was roaming around in the Center Stage mall I overheard something extremely painful. A little kid accompanied by his mom and dad were standing in front of Archies. The kiddo probably wanted to venture in. And the dad didn’t want any more expenses. They were already carrying lot of packets! The boy seemed hell bent in entering inside.

“Baba cholo na! O Baba” the boy gushed in Bengali.
“Cant you say daddy? How many times do I need to tell you this son? Don’t say baba! Say daddy.” Boomed his father with his paunh and balding head. He was agitated.

Nice upward movement! This is what happens to most of the Indian families who leave their states and get settled in the big cities like Delhi and Mumbai. They want to forget their roots and embrance English! Made me remember my Indian friend who believes that this country is shit. USA is paradise! I think Raj should focus his “Marathi Manoos” campaign such a direction that a child can fearlessly say ‘daddy’ in Marathi without fearing his dad scolding him for not saying it in English. And I am sure if he does this he will win a few hearts!

Anyway I am continuing my eavesdropping. Yes, it is getting more and more painful. But I am an optimist! I know someday I will overhear something interesting! Something that will make you smile too!

Sufi: Bullet in his balls!

2009-12-07T19:28:00.000+05:30

When somebody starts comparing with Arundhati Roy with the literary giant Anton Chekhov: we have a situation down here. Somebody has gone mad. And who is this mad guy? A guy called Mayank Austen Sufi. This guy is a good photographer, could be better writer and a pathetic Arundhati lover. His blog is published in Hindustan Times under the name of Delhiwalah. You can read his blog at http://thedelhiwalla.blogspot.com/. I won’t say his writing is bad but then it’s nothing better than average. He just gets over board too many times. And his besotted love for Arundhati Roy makes things worse for me. I have a friend who aspires to be the next Pankaj Mishra. Well he is more talented than this Sufi…..did I sound audacious? I don’t think so! But then why is Sufi more popular? Luck? Probably. Sufi more hard working then my friend? Again probably! But what is the main thing that keeps him much ahead than my friend….well I think it’s the energy. I admit that Sufi has oodles of energy. And when one has nothing to worry about (roti kapda makan) and tries to focus himself on certain particular thing…success comes easily. You must be thinking why I am bitching about this Sufi?? What has he done? He is successful, happy and famous! So whats wrong? Well I am jealous of him man! He is doing what I always want to do…so I have decided to torment him, to mock him, to beat the hell out of him. You know what is the very first line of this Sufi’s blog http://thedelhiwalla.blogspot.com? “The Delhi Walla's pretension in writing makes me want to lodge a bullet in his balls”, Blogger Nimpipi, the woodchuck chucks. Come on sufi……be ready for the bullet in your balls. And I am sure my upcoming Pankaj Mishra friend will join me in this useless bitching. We don’t have better things to do! I have gone mad! Now get away from this blog before you go mad. Go! Run! Take cover! I will burst all the balls!

Haircut! Finally!

2009-12-06T16:13:00.002+05:30

Yesterday I finally had my haircut. The last time I had my hair cut was almost two months back. And my hair grows real fast. So it was kind of a jungle on top of my head. Why didn’t I cut my hair early? Reason is that mein behek gaya tha. I decided to keep long hair in order to look cool. Initially I tried my best to follow the rules. I shampooed it, oiled it, geled it, washed it, nursed it regularly. But the enery was with me for only two weeks. And I lost the energy in few weeks itself. I told myself enough is enough. I am no Bollywood hero! Neither am I a photographer! Neither am I a fashion designer. I am just a boring guy with a boring job with a boring kind of life! So no point in trying to change my boring life with some exciting long hair aping some Bollywood hero. So I decided to chop it off and get my sanity back. My hair has grown phenomenally and instead of making me look cool made me look like a walking forest reserve. And maintaining it was getting expensive and consumed too much of my fucking time! So I went to saloon yesterday to get rid of the mess. While I was having my haircut a little boy also came for a haircut accompanied by his father. His dad told him “Beta agar kuch style karana hain to Bhaiya ko bata do”. The boy got his hair styled like the style of Ranbir Kapoor in “Wake up Sid”. He looked cool. And I got lost in the thoughts of my childhood. How our local barber used come every fourth Sunday at our colony to give all the kids a haircut. We used to sit on a chair under a tree across the road while Gopal uncle, the barber khusi khusi sized our hair. Once we were done the elders got their cutting and shaving done. It became kind of a get together with everyone waiting for their turn and chatting. In the winter tea was also served by some over enthusiastic aunties. I almost fell asleep. It feels so good with the synchronous movement of the comb and scissor.

“Sir ho gaya”
I woke up startled. My face was looking like a football now with all the hair gone. He has really made it short.
“Yaar tumne bahut hi chota kar diya! Itna chota maine thori bataya tha.” I shouted seeing my hair.
“Sir apne kuch bataya hi nahi”
My haircut made me look like a Jawan ready to get posted at Baramullah in North Kashmir! But then I consoled myself thinking that at least for the next two months I will have no need to visit the salon. The boy beside me was now getting a facial.
“Sir aur kuch kar du? Shaving? Facial?
“No. This is enough!” I barked.
“Sir you have lot of blackheads! If you take facial these will go” and he pinched my nose to get some blackhead out. He showed them to me proudly.
“Chor yaar! I am now married! I have no longer the need to look good. Bas massage kar de thora sar pe” I gushed.
“Sir shadi ke baad to jyada facial karani chaiye. Competition ki jamana hain Sir! Bhabiji will feel good if you look good Sir. Kara du fruit facial. Mast glow karega skin”

“Kara de mere bhai. Kara de” I smiled and looked smugly at the boy. Buddy I will also look like you!

Ghosh the new Babe!

2009-12-03T19:42:00.002+05:30

Rituparno Ghosh has turned in to a female. Yes! Male to Female. He is one of the few film directors in Bengal who can be branded as good if not better. At least his movies catered to that audience who were fed up with movies like “Mastan” and “Baba keno Chakor”. I liked Rituporno’s Raincoat quite a lot. A very simple adaptation from the story “Gift of the Magi”. But I never imagined his sexual orientation to change. When he did a talk show in Etv Bangla I thought him to be a little “Gayish”. My friends in the film industry say most people in the industry are gay. So are the fashion designers! Can’t understand Why? Shortage of girls or too many Lesbians? Today when I read in Delhi Times that Ghosh has turned into a female I got the shock. His photo was also attached with bob cut hair, mascara and Lipstick. She might look a hot babe to uninformed males. This photo was clicked in some recent Film function. People over there confused him with Rituparna Sengupta. Well this male to female change doesn’t denigrate his position as a film director, at least in my view but then I am just wondering about his..Oh sorry her family members. Isn’t this weird? But then we live in strange times where everything is possible. I am now waiting for the news of Rituparno Ghosh becoming a mother. And who will be the father? Perfect candidate will be some actress deciding to become a male. But who is she? Anybody’s guess. But I will really appreciate if Rakhi Sawant does the honour. She is everything but Female!!

For people who want to know a little more about Ghosh check the two links out –
http://epaper.timesofindia.com/Default/Client.asp?showST=true&login=default&Enter=true&Skin=TOINEW&GZ=T&Daily=CAP
www.upperstall.com/people/rituparno-ghosh

I am finaly a true Delhite!

2009-11-28T11:59:00.001+05:30

Finally the city has got me. Yes! I have lost my humanity! I have lost my feelings! And I have lost compassion for others. I have turned selfish, self centered. If something happens to others I am not at all bothered. Why should I? It’s not affecting me buddy! It’s your problem brother. Go and find a solution yourself. I am not with you.

I was not like this. Five years back when I came from my home town in Bengal to Delhi I was shocked to see the city, its people. How can be they so heartless? And now I am a person without a heart! I am a pure Delhite! All these years I used to believe I am not like them. I am still my old self who was always ready with a helping hand whatever the situation is. But I just deceived myself.

Yesterday while coming back from office I had this realization. As usual I and my travel writer friend were coming back together in his car. As we approached our society gate we found a Dog sitting almost in the middle of the road. Going nearer we found that a puppy was lying dead, crushed. She has lost her child. The dog was looking at our car intensely! Maybe she was trying to figure out if this was the car that murdered the puppy. Her eyes didn’t have vengeance but had a fatalistic look! This was her fate! We slowed down a bit, discussed how hard it must be for this mother to lose her child and drove off. So did I do any wrong? Apparently no. But if this scene would have happened five years back when I was in university I would have reacted differently. I would have tried to get some help and remove the puppy and the mother from the road. Maybe would have tried to console the mom. Would have tried to make her a bit cheerful! And I always thought I love animals! How wrong I was! I don’t love them! I am just a heartless guy just like you all, the big city people.

School time Hits

2009-11-19T23:37:00.000+05:30

I have found out recently an extremely good therapy to recharge myself when I am depressed. I just listen to those songs which were extremely popular during our school days. And these songs make me feel light and make me happy. These songs have a therapeutic effect. Songs which you have listened while growing up remains dear to you throughout your life. I greup listening to Kumar Sanu, Abhijeet and Udit Narayan. And I have a weakness for them and I am sure this will last till my last breadth. “Bazzigar o bazzigar” or “Sexy Sexy mujhe log bole” (The adult song of our time), “Tip Tip barse pani” from Mohra, “Pehela Nasha” from Jo Jeeta wohi Sikandar and “ek ladki ko dekha to aisa laga” – I can listen to these songs unlimited times. These were super hit songs during our school days. And I remember how I used to save money and buy blank cassettes to record these hit songs for Rs 1 each. Original cassettes were costly. Thanks to MP3 and my computer – I have almost every song in my collection now. I have named them “School time Hits”. And I listen to these hits when my mood is off. And I recover quickly with a big smile. You should also try this. Identify your most favorite songs when you were in school. And keep them in your ipod. And when you feel the blues listen to them. You will recover in a jiffy!

Going Nude for India!!

2009-11-19T00:56:00.001+05:30

Today I read an interesting news at Dailymail UK online. Http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/worldnews/article-1228689/Internet-entrepreneurs-bare-charity-calendar-prove-just-geeks.html ) Top Internet Entrepreneurs in UK are going nude in one calendar as a charity gesture. This calendar will sell for £10 and the proceeds will go to Take Heart, a youth charity which sets up IT projects in India. Amazing way to contribute! I appreciate these entrepreneurs’ efforts but at the same time feel sad for my country. Are we so helpless that people have to strip to earn some money, which will help India get more access to IT? I think the big three IT companies of India must do something asap. The recent Haryana elections saw so many millionaire MPs. Even if those netas contributed 0.01% of their black money to this NGO, those entrepreneurs could have kept their dress intact. Why cant the Indian public strip these rich MPs who are just interested in votes and nothing else. I strongly suggest that Kingfisher should come up with a Nude Political Calendar where all the netas will pose naked. Mawayati, Mulayam, Mamta, Amar Singh, Sonia, Rahul and the others. It will be a funny sight if not so lovely as these net entrepreneurs. And we Indians are ready to pay for Fun.

Say no to cheap!

2009-11-18T22:17:00.000+05:30

You should never buy cheap products. Specially those products which through aggressive marketing and jazzy newspaper advertisements promises good quality at very attractive prices. The best bet is to tick to reputed brands. Recently I got myself duped by buying a cheap keyboard from Intex. Few weeks back somebody had cut my keyboard wire making it completely useless. I suspect it to be a Rat, which has shown its vengeance on my keyboard as it was not able to find any meaningful food in my flat. My Compaq keyboard gone for a toss! I tried to change the wire but I could not find a single shop willing to do that. All advised me to buy a new one. “Keyboard koi thik nahi karta. Naya le leta hain”. What the hell!! Is this the example of India shining? Sab kuch phek do! Naya lo! Naya! So I was forced to look for new keyboards. I wanted something cheap as I believed I will be able to change my old keyboard wire. That keyboard is so nice, strong and fashionable. I wanted to use it again badly. Anyway I bought a Intex keyboard for Rs 240, normal PS2 one. This was the cheapest option available in the nearby shop. And after three weeks the keyboard is showing its true ‘cheap’ colour. The white colour of the alphabets and symbols are fading. In fact few characters have faded so heavily that I cannot make out what they are actually. For example “A” has vanished. It is just a key now. A black key with a light impression of “A” provided you look minutely! So when I am typing I have to rely on my instinct and experience to figure out that it is “A” and nothing else. So this is what happens when one buys a cheap keyboard. So I have decided to buy a Logitech keyboard this week. It will cost me Rs 600, almost triple but then the characters and symbols won’t fade. I have decided to say no to cheap! Hope you are already doing this!

Enid Blyton has no literary merit???

2009-11-18T00:21:00.002+05:30

Today’s paper had an interesting story. BBC never promoted Enid Blyton and had infact virtually banned her writings from getting airwaves. BBC believed that her writing was second grade and devoid of literary merit. Now Enid Blyton was one of the most successful children's storytellers of the twentieth century. She is the author of Famous Five, Secret Seven and Noddy. Her books have sold around 600 million copies worldwide. Her books have been widely translated in almost all major world languages. According to UNESCO's Index Translationum she overtook Lenin to get the fifth place and is behind Shakespeare as far as translation of her writings is concerned. Now this is no small achievement. Such a widely read author has no literary merit? So what exactly is literary merit? I have read Joyce’s “Portrait of an artist” and honestly I did not enjoy it. But that has huge literary merit. I have read “War and Peace”. Again I did not enjoy it. That also has huge literary merit. But when I was in school I used to read lots of ‘Famous Five’ and ‘Secret Seven’ and I used to enjoy every single book. But those didn’t have literary merit. Now what I feel like asking BBC is what is more important? Writing that gives enjoyment while reading but no worldly knowledge or philosophies. Or writings that is full of philosophy, knowledge, viewpoints but has very less entertainment value. I know people will be divided on this. But to me any story that gives me enjoyment and makes me feel good has literary value. Satyajit Ray wrote “Pancha Pandav” loosely inspired by Famous Five (This is my assumption as I have read all Pancha Pandav stories). “Pancha Pandav” is a big hit among the young in Bengal. So if I have to apply BBC funda, “Pancha Pandav” by Satyajit ray should not have any literary value. Literature is a subjective thing and any debate is futile. But branding something as not having literary value despite been so hugely popular among the young is an insult to the younger generation. BBC could have done better. Shame on them.

Why Indians are not investing in Mutual Funds?

2009-11-17T21:33:00.001+05:30

India has one of the highest savings rate in the world. The latest report by the Prime Minister’s Economic Advisory Council expects the savings rate to be around 34.5% in 2009-10, which is extremely high. But despite such mammoth savings, Indians do not invest much in Mutual Funds. According to the ‘Invest India Incomes and Savings Survey 2007’, produced by IIMS Dataworks, one out of seven people in India with savings are aware of Mutual Funds. Penetration is still restricted to the top eight cities and about 3% of the Indian households have invested in funds. The major reason that is keeping investors away from the Mutual Funds is lack of knowledge.

Equities are high risk, high reward product and majority of the people with savings are not fully aware of the equity market. Mutual Funds are the safest bet for anyone wanting exposure in equities. One can easily beat the inflation and earn decent returns provided one picks the fund well and stay invested long term. Despite all the benefits of Mutual Funds, the sector is yet to develop and the market is growing very slowly. The recent melt down of the equity market triggered by the global financial crisis has only made the task more difficult. Although the stock market is improving, getting investor faith back in equity is a Herculean task. And adding to the exiting woes is the latest SEBI directive abolishing the entry load that the Mutual Fund houses charged. Investors are no longer required to pay any upfront fee or entry load if they buy mutual funds directly from the fund houses. Mutual funds are generally sold by various agents and distributors. The bulk of the entry load charged by the fund houses was passed on to the agents as commission. Now with its removal, the fund houses are finding it difficult to pay the agents and distributors. And with the removal of incentives, agents seem to be no longer interested in pushing Mutual Fund to the customers. They are looking towards other financial products.

The Mutual Fund sector in India remains untapped. The fund houses need to do more to increase investor knowledge and must reach out to the small towns and rural areas. They should also solve the agent commission issue urgently. Agents and distributors are the backbone of this industry. Without their active participation Mutual Penetration cannot improve. The fund houses need to look at Life Insurance Corporation of India (LIC) to get inspired. A LIC agent is present in almost every village and most of them with some basic knowledge of Insurance. This is not the case with Mutual Fund. Somebody needs to take the lead.

Invest the SIP way

2009-11-17T21:32:00.000+05:30

Mutual funds are equity based products with the potential to offer high returns but only if one invests properly and stay invested long term. Most of the investment in Mutual Funds in India happens during the year end as part of the tax planning. Most people end up buying units at one time basis depending on the market prices. If the stock market is high they end up buying units at high price and if the markets are down they get the units at a low price. So it’s all a matter of chance.

Majority people in India are not much aware regarding the functioning of the stock market. And investing directly into equities without proper knowledge is dangerous. The safest way to gain exposure to equity is through mutual funds. But buying units of mutual fund at one time basis makes little sense. The best way is to acquire the units over a period of time. And one can do this through the SIP (Systemic Investment Plan) route. All Mutual Funds offer this facility to the investors. SIP allows you to invest a certain amount per month/quarter in Mutual Funds over a period of time. This investment can be as low as Rs 500 and there is no maximum limit. So when you buy the units through SIP route you do not have to worry about timing the market. In SIP method, you buy the units regularly on the prevailing unit value. And this gives you the benefit of rupee-cost averaging. Under rupee-cost averaging your monthly SIP amount buys more units when prices are low. And when the markets high, you end up buying fewer units as the prices are high. This is a good discipline since it forces the investor to commit cash at market lows, when maximum investors are tensed and are exiting the market. Through SIP your entire capital is never at risk. And over a period of time your average price paid per unit also comes down. SIP allows you to use the inherent volatility of equity prices to enhance your returns.

Investing in Mutual Fund through SIP might not offer you a terrific rate of return but in the long run it offers more return than conventional savings schemes like bank deposit and post office savings. And the risk is also significantly less.

Ecommerce – Is India following the footsteps of US?

2009-11-17T21:30:00.002+05:30

Ecommerce – Is India following the footsteps of US?

In the US, Ecommerce is a huge market and is one of the few segments which did not witness any drastic slowdown despite the financial crisis. The reason is the convenience it provides to the buyers and the sellers. The buyers can shop from the comfort of their homes. The seller finds it extremely cost effective to host a virtual store than a brick-and-mortar one. Although industry analysts have cut growth estimates for Ecommerce in 2009 compared to 2008, most of them believe that ecommerce growth will return in 2010 in the US. A recent Forrester Research report has indicated that total US online sales is expected to touch $176.9 Billion in 2010 compared to the projected $156.1 Billion in 2009.

Compared to the US, currently India’s e-commerce market is painfully limited with a slow growth rate. Ecommerce is a tough nut to crack in India. Approximately 50 million people in India have access to Internet but just two million have broadband connections. And ecommerce needs broadband to thrive. With credit cards being forced into the hands of customers by banks, yes, there are tremendous possibilities. And with broadband penetration increasing every day and computer prices going down, one cannot help but be optimistic about the growth of Indian ecommerce market. But the biggest hindrance in the ecommerce uptake is perception. Indians are so used to touching and feeling the thing before making the purchase that despite having some of the best ecommerce portals we still prefer the old way of buying. This is a cultural thing which takes quite some time to overcome. But still it will be worthwhile for businesses in India to take a serious view of the nascent ecommerce market. The scenario is improving albeit slowly and increasing your company’s online visibility can yield significant results. So that when the tide turns you are ready to sail!

Startup Time

2009-11-06T19:24:00.001+05:30

I am planning to buy a Digital SLR shortly and lot of research is going into it. Whenever I buy something I research. I have got duped a couple of times due to lack of research so these days I am extra careful. My research for DSLR camera has thrown an interesting concept called ‘startup time’. In digital cameras this matters a lot. You press the ‘Power’ button in the camera and then how fast the camera is ready to shoot determines the start up time. This is very important if you venturing into some serious photography because photographic opportunities come suddenly and thereby you need a camera whose response time is super quick. And Digital SLRs have generally a startup time of 0.2 second, which is pretty fast. But never had I realized that this startup time will apply to my life also when I go for a pee in my office bathroom.

I work for a pretty big IT giant. They have eight offices in Delhi/NCR. Out of these eight offices, seven are built in huge premises with every modern facility. Cool Swanky! You feel like working when you enter these buildings. I have worked in five of them and I can say by experience that productivity is directly proportional to the kind of office building where you work. Now the office in which I am working currently is not like the other seven. It’s a blot on the reputation of the company. This building is almost 20 years old and looks like a godown from the front. The air conditioning system is historic and so is the furniture inside. Everything gives you the feel of a senile old man desperately trying to survive. God knows why they have not renovated this office.

There are two bathrooms in this office, one in the ground and the other on the first floor. I always use the first floor bathroom despite having my seat in ground floor. The ground floor bathroom is chaotic with only 2 peeing stations, two wash basins and two latrins or as I generally call them Nirvana Chambers. The First floor bathroom has four peeing stations, two wash basins and two Nirvana Chambers. This bathroom is bigger and has less rush compared to the ground floor one. I use this always unless my stomach requires some very fast Nirvana where I have no other choice but to the rush to the ground floor bathroom. Off late the peaceful first floor bathroom is having many visitors. I guess the reason is the front corridor, which in winter gets abundant sunshine and draws lot of employees for “Dhup Shekna” session. After getting warm they quickly enter this bathroom for the release session. This has created a nuisance in my life. I am a private guy. I hate peeing when others are also simultaneously peeing beside me. Its not because I have some defect or something else. It’s because there are a lot of guys who while peeing looks down at the other’s person’s peeing activity. This is extremely irritating and extremely embarrassing. Wish I could tell them “Concentrate on your instrument please. Mine is working fine. No need of extra concern brother”. But somehow I adjusted myself to this problem when a new problem popped up. One of the wash basin tap refused to work any longer. I our company it takes a lot of time to get things rectified. So it’s already two weeks but the tap is still out of order. As a result there is a rush at the wash basin. And here comes the concept of startup time. Suppose four people enter the pee area simultaneously. Now the one who finishes the pee session faster will have the first access to the only tap available. Rest three have to wait in a line. And some times, as most people will agree that despite having the instrument positioned it does not pee instantly. It takes a few seconds to deliver. Now whoever has the most responsive instrument starts the pee faster and concludes the session before the others and thereby gets the first access to the basin. Few seconds delay in pee delivery means waiting at the wash basin, which is such a big time waste. And as the bathroom is not cleaned often the wait become more intolerable. So in order to avoid the wait I am googling a lot on how to make the pee instrument respond faster to the call of duty. And you never know. My instrument may just become the fastest peeing machine in the whole world. What say?

Behavioral Finance

2009-08-28T23:29:00.001+05:30

Behavioral Finance is something which is attracting a lot of attention these days. Increased volatility in the markets has brought psychology back into economics. Now what is Behavioral Finance? “Behavioral finance attempts to explain how and why emotions and cognitive errors influence investors and create stock market anomalies such as bubbles and crashes”. So questions like why people make errors despite knowing everything, why people start following others despite not knowing the details, why people start taking decisions without any solid logic can be answered through Behavioral finance. According to Warrant Buffet, “Investing is not a game where the guy with the 160 IQ beats the guy with the 130 IQ…Once you have ordinary intelligence, what you need is the temperament to control the urges that get other people into trouble in investing.” But very few people have this temperament. Most of the best brains go wrong. Herd mentality takes over. Why? You know the answer.

Recently I got a fine example of this theory. There is a very senior guy in our office whose main motive for coming to office is to chat with people. He has no work and is unallocated for the last one year. So he keeps moving from desk to desk and keeps chatting on various topics. If he visits a person, he spends at least 15 minutes there. Doesn’t matter even if the other guy is in the middle of an important call. He will wait. Today he came to visit my friend. I sit just opposite him and so I tried my best to not to look at him. My friend had no escape route. They started discussing on stocks. My friend then suddenly called me and asked “Can you please explain to Sir why his ULIP is not making any profit for the last three years”?

Well I had no way out. I was forced to join the conversation. I asked him to give me some details about his ULIPs, his switching strategy etc. He told that he had invested around four lakhs in a ULIP some three years back. He is presently at a 30% loss. Now this looked strange. Achieving this kind of a negative return in the Indian equity market over the last three year is next to impossible. Something must have happened. I asked him where he has parked his money. He told in the growth fund which has 80% equity allocation and rest debt. Then I asked him if he keeps switching frequently. He told yes. Whenever the markets go down he switches his money to a debt fund which has 80% allocation in debt and rest in equity. This he does to protect his money. Whenever the markets go up significantly he switches his money back to the growth fund again. Now I understood. To put this simply let us assume he has bought his ULIP units at Rs 10. Over a period of say six months his unit value becomes Rs 14. He is in profit. Now suddenly the markets tank. His fund value goes down. When his unit price goes down below Rs 10, he panics. Let’s assume he sells of his units at Rs 9 just to cut down his loss and puts the money in a debt fund. When markets goes up and the unit value moves up to Rs 15 he switches his fund to the growth fund (80% equity allocation) again. So he ends up buying units at Rs 15. This strategy he diligently followed over the last three years. No wonder he is at a huge loss. When I explained him how he was making a loss every time he is switching he was thunderstruck. I could see grief in his eyes. I felt pity for him.

I think this is a very good example of behavioral finance.

Touch Of Class

2009-08-24T20:49:00.004+05:30

The place in Delhi that baffles me the most is Sainik Farms. This is an illegal settlement in New Delhi and is a supreme testimony of open disregard for law. For the ignorant, Sainik Farm was basically a large tract of land in Delhi left by the government to maintain the greenery. The rich and the powerful bought lands over there for farming purpose. Instead of farming they created huge farmhouses. Now how this happened is anybody’s guess. In India when you are rich, you can play a little with rules and laws. It is your birthright. Lot of politicians have their farm houses here. Mani Sankar Iyar is one of them. I came to know the history of the place very recently when we went there to visit a friend of my wife. When he told that his house lacks electricity connection and all the power comes from genset, I got puzzled. A house worth crores doesn’t have an electricity connection! He then explained me. And he also added that Sainik Farm is on the verge of becoming legalized. Great!

Recently I went to this place again. This time I went there for a party in which I was the host. I was giving my belated birthday party. We went to the place called “Touch of Class”. This place was suggested to me by my wife. I initially protested. Any eating place in South Delhi is always expensive. And a place in Sainik Farm is bound to costly. My wife showed me the menu card online. God bless the person who invented the Internet. I agreed to go there. But the main reason for me agreeing was not the moderate food price. They have a wonderful concept where people can carry their own booze. And people who frequently drink and eat outside will agree that it is the booze which burns a hole in the pocket. So I wanted to visit the place. All my close friends were invited. One of my friend whose birthday party was pending for long wanted to sponsor the Vodka. I gladly allowed him to do the honor. I think he had some doubts if the amount of Vodka available for him in the party will be sufficient. So just to be on the safeside he indirectly wanted to get more. And he has has some geniune reasons to drink a little extra. Afterall he is extremely dissatisfied with his love life. All of his friends are getting married or engaged. He remains single still. So whenever he gets an opportunity to be with near and dear friends, he gets drunk. And he vents his frustration out. And we have no other way out but to listen.

I warned all my friends to reach the venue 7pm sharp. I threatened everybody with dire consequences if they got late. Everybody reached on time except me and my wife. My upcoming investment banker friend was the first to reach. And he was greeted a by a huge board “Liquor is not permitted inside”. He gave me a panic call. I told him not to panic as the board is there just for the sake of it. The place is yet to get a license for liquor. And even if they don't allow us to drink we can drink somewhere else. No big deal. I cheered him up. And i added "Your goal is to go to jail for the largest banking fraud in world's history. And you getting pissed off by this fucking board. Think of a way out. To become a big fraud you have to be a big manage master. Improvise. Innovate". This was too much for him.

The atmosphere of the place is captivating. We sat in the open garden. This place “Touch of Class” is a huge farmhouse with lots of trees and flowers, which the owners have converted to a fine restaurant cum pub. It is ravishingly spacious. I liked the place. We started off with our drinks and Tandoori Chicken. My friend Chandan and his girlfriend arrived late. They got lost. Sainik farm can be a real maze if one does not know the way. We had our dinner and left the place around 11pm. My friends gifted me a T-shirt which looks to be extremely Zango. A friend of mine couldn’t attend the party. He is our mountain guy, a man who wears hills and valleys in his sleeve. His love for nature has taken him to dangerous places. A man who spent his childhood close to the ravines of Chambal. Aggression is in his blood. But looking at him no one will believe in his agression. Get more closer. You will find the real person. He wakes up uttering "Breaking News". Now why breaking news, its a long story. But to put it shortly he has a journalist heart. He unfortunately had to go to office for some urgent issue. Well when you start getting a hefty salary, I guess people expect you to be working on Saturdays and Sundays.

So my advice to all the people who want to drink and eat in a good place but don’t want to spend say Rs 200 per bottle of beer, “Touch of Class” is the place to go. Try it once. Food is excellent. Check out the menu online at http://ncr.foodiebay.com/restaurant/delhi/touch-of-class-sainik-farms-1538.html. You gonna enjoy the place. But make sure you drink a bit because when you gulp down a glass or two you start enjoying things better. Just kidding. Although the place has no liquor license and does business in a hush hush way, it is doing well to a section of the population. And palms of the government officials are getting greased too. A win win situation for all. Long live our democracy. Long Live India.

Open Letter to Mr Pranab Mukherjee

2009-08-20T21:20:00.001+05:30

Dear Mr Pranab Mukherjee,

Let me admit at the very first that I respect you very much. You are one of the very few senior politicians in India completely untouched by corruption with high level of integrity and uprightness. But the way your Congress party is taking decisions off late is not praiseworthy. You are slowly getting surrounded by too many dirty characters. And you know it. But you don’t have options I guess. To be in power you have to be in the power circuit. But there is a saying, “A man is known by the company he keeps”.

I am writing this letter because I want to highlight one issue, which has caused immense problem and suffering to our family. This issue was created by the West Bengal Pradesh Congress Committee (WBPCC) by declaring a 12-hour Bangla Bandh on July 17, 2009 to protest against the attack on some Congress MLAs at Mangalkot. I understand what happened to the MLAs was unfortunate and the guilty people should be punished. But I am not sure what benefit Congress got by calling this 12 hour Bandh. Common people like me got harassed by this Hartaal. Do visit a railway station after calling a bandh. You will understand the level of suffering Mr Mukherjee.

Bandh is an inherent culture in West Bengal. Part and parcel of Bengal life. CPM had done it for the last thirty years. Trinamul does it at every opportunity. And off late your party has also joined the bandwagon. Good going as far as the image of Bengal is concerned! It’s no surprise that industries and opportunities are running away from West Bengal.

Mr Mukherjee, you know it very well that Strikes and Hartaal serves no purpose. But still your party called the Bandh which was a grand success. Entire West Bengal was shut down for 12 hours. As far as my understanding goes, this bandh was successful not because people felt pity for the Congress MLAs getting beaten but because they were afraid of Congress goons roaming in the streets. Everybody is afraid of their life these days. People are getting killed for silly reasons. And defying a bandh is a serious crime. Isn’t it Mr Mukherjee? Strangely Mamta Banerjee was not happy with the Bandh. I quote her “we don’t encourage wildcat bandhs and strikes”. So according to her the 17th July Bandh was a ‘wildcat bandh’. Your party workers are wild cats according to Miss Banerjee. What an audacity from her part! Good one. I agree with her opinion.

You must have read umpteen times how bandhs affects the lives of common people. This letter will reveal how this bandh caused serious suffering to our entire family and to especially to my 64 year old father. Please do not stop reading this letter. I request you go ahead. I am sure this information will touch you. So please don’t stop reading this. Maybe it will open your eyes and you might suddenly decide that bandh serves no purpose other than harassment. And you might start respecting the Supreme Court ruling, which declared bandhs as illegal. And its only possible in India to ignore Supreme court verdicts. Balls to the court!

My father, a retired BSNL employee was not keeping well for the last few weeks. My parents stay alone in Panskura. I am the only child of my parents. I was forced out of West Bengal some five years back due to economic reasons. Jobs are very few in Bengal. Presently I am working with an IT company in Delhi. And I am doing well.

A week back my father had a stroke. He was immediately rushed to a local nursing home. Luckily, it was not a fatal one. After few days he was discharged but then his speech started getting incoherent. He started having periodic convulsions. He was again admitted to the nursing home. All this happened in my absence. Although my mother desperately wanted me to go on with my life in Delhi and not come home wasting valuable “Earned leaves”, I decided to go. I love my parents just like your children loves you Mr Mukherjee. I decided to take my dad to a good hospital in Kolkata. Panskura is a small place and does not have good healthcare facilities. I arranged my Howrah-Delhi Rajdhani Express ticket for 16th July, 2009. The train left New Delhi station sharp at 4.30 pm. The train was supposed to reach Howrah Station at 10.30 am next day, ie, 17th July. From there it will take me a maximum of 2 hours to reach home. So accordingly I made my plan. I called a friend and asked him to keep a car ready at 1pm and wait for me at my home. The moment I reach I will take my dad for treatment to Kolkata. I informed my uncle to be prepared to accompany me to Kolkata. All was planned. Everything was ready. I spoke to my dad over phone while I was on train. He was extremely happy to know that I was coming home. I told him not to worry. I informed him the moment I reach home I will take him to a big hospital in Kolkata. He will get the best treatment. He was a happy man.

When I woke up next day, I found the train stationery. The gates of the compartment were wide open. There were lots of police in the platform. It didn’t look like a regular stop. I asked an attendant what’s going on. He told that there is a 12 hour Bandh in Bengal called by Congress. So the train will be waiting here at Dhanbad. I asked him how long we have to wait? He was not sure.

The train waited for 9 hours in Dhanbad. Our train left Dhanbad station at 4.30 pm and reached Howrah station at 8.30 pm. And the moment I got down, I got a call from my uncle. He told that my dad’s condition is critical and they are bringing him down to Kolkata. He told me to book an ICU bed in some big hospital there. I started calling up mu acquaintances in Kolkata for hospital references. Everybody advised me not to go to government hospitals. Please take note of this. Nobody has faith in government hospitals. They are not for the common men because common men die over there while the VIPs are given excellent treatment. That too free of cost! You are a VIP Mr Mukherjee. You have so much power that you can close down a state whenever you like. But this I guess is CPM’s fault. They are in power for more than thirty years. But the day your party comes to power holding the hand of Miss Banerjee, you must look in to this.

Anyway let me get back to our ordeal. After consulting my friends I decided to take him to Calcutta medical Research Institute. A neuro ICU was booked. My Dad arrived at 11pm and was rushed to the emergency. It was difficult to hold back tears seeing his condition. He was having continuous convulsions and his eyes were bulging out unable to bear the pain. Few people can withstand that scene. Few nurses moved away unable to bear it. But then why I am saying this to you. Politicians are people made of steel. They hardly feel the pain common people undergo due to their whims and fancies.

The doctor told he is having a neuro stroke and shifted him immediately to the ICU. I was asked to pay Rs 15000 immediately at the billing section. I paid the money. And then it was pure waiting. My dad regained consciousness after 48 hours and was kept in ICU for a week. Mr Mukherjee did you ever have any of your close ones in ICU anytime? To understand our mental condition you need to experience this pain and agony. Every second was a tensed second. Every minute a painful one.

By God’s grace my dad recovered after 2 weeks. We had to spend quite a lot for his treatment. But that doesn’t matter. But then what would have happened if we didn’t have the money? What would have happened if my dad was a poor man and me an unemployed graduate. I can imagine the pain of those people who do not have the money for treatment. Mr Mukherjee I have spent virtually 15 days in the hospital. I have seen lot of crying faces. I have seen quite a few dead bodies been taken out. Seeing death face to face makes one evaluate one’s life. And I am no exception.

Mr Mukherjee, now I want to ask you finally what have you guys gained from this Bandh? If there was no Bandh I could have admitted my dad in Kolkata by 3pm. He would have got the best possible medical attention, which he was not getting at Panskura. He got the stroke attack at around 8.30 pm in the night. Don’t you think your party is responsible for the pain he suffered?

Mr Mukherjee you are too big a person to be moved by this kind of news. These things happen in India every day. Hundreds of people die every day due to lack of medical treatment and if my father would have died it would have made no difference. After all he is a common man, an unknown citizen. When will this suffering stop Mr Mukherjee? The day we all are dead? George Orwell once said: “Nothing stands still. We must add to our heritage or lose it, we must grow greater or grow less, we must go forward or go backward”. Where are we all going Sir?

Regards
You humble servant, the bloody common man.

The Noble Cat! My Hero!

2009-08-14T18:31:00.000+05:30

What is the best thing that you have seen till date? I am sure this question will be difficult to answer for everyone with the gift of vision. So many things we see every day! Thousands of visual memories are stored inside. It’s extremely difficult to choose one.
If I would have been asked this question even few weeks back I would have struggled to provide an answer. But now I have my answer. The answer was disclosed to me while I was on my way to Kolkata airport last month.

It was a Saturday. Our flight for Delhi was at 12.25pm. My wife and I left our home at Panskura around 7.30am. We planned to take a train to Howrah from Panskura station. We reached the station only to know that the trains are not running for the last two hours and no one has any idea. I could not find the station master. Been a Bengali and by virtue of spending twenty years in Bengal amidst bandhs and strikes I got the signal. And considering the CPM Trinamool standoff, it will take some time to resolve the crisis. I can’t wait for the resolution. I hired a local cab and told him to take us to the airport. The guy never went to Kolkata before. Both of us convinced him that he can do it. Been a driver he should be ready to go anywhere. We are not asking you to take us to the jungles where Maoists stay; we want you to take us to the Kolkata airport. We convinced him that he can do it. My wife gave him some extra confidence by saying that she knows the route and will guide him. He was convinced. Our journey started. After going smoothly for a while we faced a huge traffic jam. Lots of cars were turning back. We enquired. Some hawker union has blocked the highway demanding the government to look into some of their issues. As usual. Bengali Bandh culture. My driver turned the car back and took an alternate route. Both of us got tensed. We have to reach the airport by 12am. The driver informed that the alternate route will increase the journey by around 30 km. We both were flabbergasted. My wife gave a “cursory monetizing look” at me. This phrase “cursory monetizing look” is my invention. My wife always throws this at me when she wants me to pay some extra money or give some tips with the bill at the restaurant. I told the driver to hurry up and not to worry as I will compensate. And he pressed the gas! Money means motivation! Money means more gas!

Despite the driver’s best intention, our car could not cross the 30kmph mark. It was a one way road. In normal circumstances this road hardly gets any traffic. But lots of people are taking this route due to the blockade. So traffic was heavy from both the direction. The road passed through semi village areas. Soon our car entered a small market and got stuck in a jam. It looked like a weekly bazaar as most of the shops looked temporary. As the car inched forward I saw the unforgettable scene. There was a fish shop just meters away from me. And although few customers were present I could not see the shopkeeper. To my greatest surprise instead of the owner there was a cat sitting lazily at the left side. A cat manning a fish shop! Fish and Cat never go well together. It’s a deadly combination. The cat kept looking at the fishes with eyes half closed. I could feel its greed despite its responsible position. The car moved forward. I turned back and kept looking at the shop. Soon the owner came back and took his position. So for about five minutes the shop was totally in the hands of this cat. For five whole minutes, it was the cat that guarded the fish shop. Not a single fish went missing!

Oh Cat! My Cat! How could you do this? Nobody has ever associated a cat with honesty, integrity and uprightness. But you have proved them wrong. I admire you. You are inspiring. For five long minutes it was just you and the fishes. You took care of them. You protected them. I am not sure how would I react when I am given the responsibility to guard a huge amount of money. Probably I would pocket a few currency notes when no one is around. But your self control is enviable. Now I can understand why cats were worshiped in the ancient ages. There is a proverb “Keep an eye on the cat and another on the frying pan.” This is not for you.

The great American satirist, P.J. O'Rourke in his book Modern Manners: An Etiquette Book for Rude People wrote “Cats are to dogs what modern people are to the people we used to have. Cats are slimmer, cleaner, more attractive, disloyal, and lazy. It's easy to understand why the cat has eclipsed the dog as modern America's favorite pet. People like pets to possess the same qualities they do. Cats are irresponsible and recognize no authority, yet are completely dependent on others for their material needs. Cats cannot be made to do anything useful. Cats are mean for the fun of it. In fact, cats possess so many of the same qualities as some people (expensive girlfriends, for instance) that it's often hard to tell the people and the cats apart.”
Well Mr. O’Rourke, I think you need to see this cat before you can write off the cat as irresponsible. Well some are but that does not give you the right to paint the entire community in one color. I am sure one day you will meet an angry cat you will confront you for this blasphemous write up. And this angry cat will also show you that men are not the only dangerous creatures in this planet.

This image of the cat will remain with me forever till the time I have a memory loss or I say good bye to the planet. Now, whenever I face any difficult situation in my life, I always think of the cat. If the cat can manage the fishes without tasting a single one of them, why can’t I do the difficult things? The Cat has changed my life. Whenever a problem arises I close my eyes and this of the Cat and say in Obama tone, “Yes I can”.

Life is lived in a Moment.

2009-07-14T21:44:00.000+05:30

Life is lived in a moment. A moment of happiness, a moment of joy, a moment of success: these moments are more important in a person’s life than his or her entire lifetime. And in our life we all have our moments. Imagine your first job, your first salary, your first crush, your first love, and the first kiss: what not you will give to get these moments back. We don’t have the power to make time freeze but in our memories these sweet moments remain forever. Dr Faustus got twenty four years of unlimited life by giving his soul to the devil. If this was possible then I am sure most of us would trade our life to get back those moments, to get some new moments.
Imagine the joy of your first kiss. That moment still remains with you. You may have kissed a lot by now but the pleasant memory of that first kiss; those trembling moist lips touching your partner’s lips remains with you forever. And I am sure you can do anything to get those trembling moments back.

Few weeks back I was drinking with a couple of my friends when I raised this “life is lived in a moment” topic. And soon this topic gathered momentum among us and discussions started getting serious. Among the five of us only one was not participating. We all started pressurizing him to share his best moment of his life. After lot of beer gulping he shared. When he was doing his engineering in Bangalore he was close with a girl in his college. Soon this closeness increased by leaps and bound. And they started having an affair. The girl took the relation seriously but he was never serious. It was extreme flirting going on. One day they went to a disc and he got drunk. While returning back he stopped the car in an empty stretch and kissed the girl. And they had sex.

Next day morning when he realized what he had done he got nervous. He met the girl. The girl was already behaving as if he was her husband. Sensing danger he told the girl bluntly that he is not serious about the relationship. And he walked away. They never talked again. Both completed their studies and went away. Soon the boy realized that he has fallen in love with the girl. And it was true love. Her image accompanied him to all places, even those places which are most hostile to romance. He tried his best to woo her back but she never responded. He lost her forever. He now desperately wants those moments back. Those moments with her. He was serious. His painful moist eyes reflected his heart.

His story looks like it has been ripped straight from some cheap Indian novel. But then in life we have some great moments, some not so great moments. What looks cheap to someone is valuable to someone else. For him his moments are precious. He can trade anything to get those moments back. And I respect his feelings.

So is with our life. Every one of us has their own moments, which are hidden deep in the chambers of our heart. Secretly we wish them to come to life once again. Isn’t it?

Cute little success!

2009-07-13T20:33:00.001+05:30

Fifteen years back I tried to publish a short story. We didn’t have computers that time. Neither had I had the money to type it. So writing it by hand was the only option. Once it was written, I copied the story in good quality paper and devoted the best possible handwriting. I made sure there was no spelling mistake and it took me hours to copy it. I copied letter by letter. The paper was my altar. My devotion was unquestionable. Once it was over, I put my story in an envelope. I also included a return envelope. With the envelope in hand, I proceeded to the post office. I was a boy possessed by my dream: a dream to see my story published in ‘The Statesman’. I reached the post office and got the required stamps. My dad was kind enough to give me Rs 10. Having stamped the envelopes I dropped it in the letter box. I felt like a father bidding farewell to his son, who was going to a faraway place for a job.

A week passed. Sunday Literary supplement had no story of mine. Then one more week passed and the weekly supplement had nothing. A month passed. Was it some kind of a conspiracy going on? I was too young to understand the pains a budding writer experience to get them published. One fine day an envelope arrived. I instantly recognized my handwriting. They have rejected my story and sent it back. At the age of 11 I experienced my first rejection. “Gazing up into the darkness I saw myself as a creature driven and derided by vanity; and my eyes burned with anguish and anger” (Joyce), I experienced the same feeling as the boy in “The Araby”. I stopped writing after that. But I never gave up reading. And the dream of getting published remained. Someday, sometime, my time will come.

Today one of my writing has got published in a website. Although this website is very new and don’t have many visitors, still sending the work to its Editor and thereby getting published is a cute little success for me. Baby steps. But a step is a step, however small. Someday I will publish my writing in ‘The Statesman’. Till that time comes, I have to keep taking these baby steps. Every step matters. There is no more time left to procrastinate. The shot has been fired.

Life without Onions!

2009-07-05T16:09:00.002+05:30

My Tauji passed away recently. He was a retired school master and a man of considerable influence in his village. Although he suffered from Asthma throughout his life, his energy level never went down. I was not with him during his last days but I am sure he must have faced death bravely.

Tauji introduced me to the pleasure of drinking tea from a very early age. He even got me a small pair of a cup and plate. Whenever I used to go to my ancestral village, I used to wake up early only to have morning tea with him. He always prepared his own tea. And whenever I was with him, he prepared my tea too. While having his morning cup, he used to read news paper in his arm chair and I used to devour the supplements and sip my tea. Drinking tea gave me an adult aura. It looked quite a macho thing. Today I am a tea connoisseur. I have tasted extensive variety of tea and according to my friends I make a wonderful cup of tea. Thanks to Tauji for all of this.

Now as per out rituals whenever a family member passes away we are not supposed to eat non-veg. Neither we can have onions, garlic etc. I also cannot shave, trim my hair and cut my nails. This ritual continues for 10 days. Five more days to go.

The non-veg restriction is not a big thing for me. Although I love non-veg but then abstaining from it for one or two weeks is no big deal. But my problem is with Onions. I am dead without onions. But rules are rules. So my wife has instructed our cook not to use onions and garlic in vegetables. And the vegetables taste funny without onion. Earlier my food used to have a Jailalitha and Mayawati style. Extravagant. Full of pomp and valour. Full of onions and oil. Now it’s totally Mamta Banerjee style. No pomp, no valour. Vegetable without onions are tasteless for me. But I repeat rules are rules. I have to follow them. I really don’t understand why one cannot have onions when someone dies. In fact, why such restriction on food? Is our love not enough? But let me not try to be a revolutionary. Only few more days left and after that I get my onions back. Life becomes normal. May my Tauji’s soul rest in peace.

An entire train got booked in 10 minutes flat!

2009-07-05T08:00:00.001+05:30

My parents in laws are coming on 21st September, 2009. So it’s almost three months away. They will be spending the Durga Puja with us. We plan to go to Nainital together when they come. One good habit that I have is I always plan my tours early. Last time I went to Lansdowne I booked my Hotel and Train ticket almost two months back. Such an advance booking was not necessary but then I hate taking chances. I think this is one of the reasons I never invest in the stock market. And so I am not rich. Bank FDs don’t make you rich.

So after doing all my research on Nainital, I found the best way to go there from Delhi is to take the Ranikhet Express. It leaves Old Delhi at around 10 pm and reaches Kathgodam at 6am: just an overnight journey. From Kathgodam, Nainital is around 30 kms away. I logged in to IRCTC website to book the tickets. I wanted to book for 1st October. The date was 90 days away so booking not available. Rail tickets can be booked maximum three months (90 days) in advance. Just for curiosity I checked the 30th September status. Good Lord! All tickets in waiting list. I checked for other dates in September. Most of the dates showed RAC or waiting list in 3rd AC. Few seats were available in 2nd AC but then those were in the middle of the week. This seems to be an extremely in demand train. So I decided that tomorrow I will wake up early and book the tickets when internet booking starts from 5.30am. I can’t take any chances.

I woke up at 5am and logged in. Soon the booking facility was available and I checked for ticket availability in Ranikhet Express. I got message in the pop up box. As today is the first booking day (the date is exactly 90 days away), booking facility will be available from 8am. No problem. I logged out. Soon I logged in at 8am and checked for the availability in 3rd AC. Only 13 tickets were left. No chance of getting a lower berth. What to do? It’s difficult for my mom to climb an upper berth. Anyway, I decided to get the tickets first. Berth doesn’t matter. We will see if a lower berth can be arranged once we board the train. It was 8.07 am. When I tried to book my tickets the availability status got changed to RAC3/RAC4. So within seven minutes, the entire 3rd AC seats got booked. It’s almost like six seven coaches. I checked for 2nd Ac. It was in waiting list mode.

When an entire train gets booked in 10 minutes flat, suspicion is bound to rise. Something like that movie "Gone in 60 seconds". I am sure the guys at the railways in coordination with the touts have something to do with this. Normally it’s almost impossible to book a train in ten minutes even if everybody logs in exactly at 8am for online booking. Theoretically it is possible but practically impossible.

So I am looking for our Rail Mantri’s address. I need to bring this to her notice. She has told that her agenda over the next five years will be “Ma, mati and manush” (Mother, soil and people). And I represent the people.

Producing a child is easy. Parenting is not.

2009-07-04T21:30:00.001+05:30

Producing a child is easy. Parenting is not. Today I got an example of this.

The park opposite my flat has finally found some green hope. This park, been the biggest one, is the favorite of all the kids in our society. So children of all ages play here. Now everything comes at a price. Due to extreme gaming, the greenery of the park is non-existent. Grasses are no longer present. How will it be present when hundreds of footsteps are continuously grinding them? Besides tearing the leaves and throwing it here and there is a big hit with small children who do not get chance to play cricket due to their tininess. So the trees are mercilessly raped by these small devils. Bottom-line, these children do not have those values which will make them care for the trees, the plants, the flowers, Mother Nature.

As a child I was very merciless with trees. I loved hitting them. But my parents and specially my grandpa used to constantly tell me that these trees have lives. They are just like a human beings but like us they cannot talk or move. Soon I felt very sympathetic with the trees and never gave them any pain. Even my friends became sympathetic. We were a devilish group but we all made sure we are not damaging the green. And our parents and near and dear ones made this possible.

Now these days parents are a busy lot. And most are nuclear families so no Dadaji and Naniji. These parents do not teach their kids the value of nature. As a result the kids are least bothered when they destroy the greenery. Nobody is there to tell them that trees have lives. They feel pain when you tear their leaves.

The gardeners today have watered the park and planted grasses there. They did a good job throughout the afternoon. Lot of new plants was planted. Now when the army of children came in the evening they found the park muddy and full of grasses and plants. They did not like it was not fit for playing. Most of them went away and started playing in the garages and other places. Two little boys stayed back. Their mother was also present gossiping with other ladies at a distance. Evening chat. These ladies always have time for this important thing.

The two little boys who stayed back soon got a stick and started digging up the grasses. They dug ferociously as if their mother’s life depended on it. I was standing at the balcony and felt like going down and thrashing them. But then I will be at fault. Another guy was also standing in his balcony looking at them. He shouted “Bachho iye kya kar rahe ho”. I joined “Ghas ko ukhad mat”. (My Hindi is not good). The mom looked at us angrily. She didn’t bother to call the kids back.

Soon a guard came and told the boys not to tear away those grasses, which was planted barely few hours back. The mom came and took those kids away. She looked angrily at the guard and then gave a destructive look to both of us still standing at our balconies. As if it was all out fault. No sooner did the guard leave the boys were back in business. As usual, the mother was not bothered. After all she was not getting raped.

So this lady has produced two kids. And considering their little age difference, she has done a great job. It was almost back to back delivery. But one thing that she is not able to do properly is teach these kids the value of green. Love for nature has to be inculcated from an early age. We are losing nature at an alarming rate. And I am sure when these two kids grow up they will only increase the destruction of nature. Never will they understand that trees give peace to the souls of men. Anton Chekhov, the Russian writer was very true when he wrote “Man has been endowed with reason, with the power to create, so that he can add to what he's been given. But up to now he hasn't been a creator, only a destroyer. Forests keep disappearing, rivers dry up, wild life's become extinct, the climate's ruined and the land grows poorer and uglier every day.”

My request to all would be moms and dads. Please do not make your kids the “Destroyer”. Nature wants them as “Creators”.

Haan Kar denge! Haan Ho Jayega!

2009-07-01T22:53:00.000+05:30

Delhi Rocks! Despite the increasing urban problems like power cuts, water issues, the city as a whole is full of life. Barring Mumbai, I believe there are very few vibrant cities in India like Delhi. But I have one complaint against the Delhi people. They showoff too much. They have an extremely high boastful nature. When a cop catches a car jumping red light, the car fellow takes a threatening approach and keeps calling a hell lot of people to scare the cop. As if he is the son of Manmohan Singh. Similarly, ask any Delhite that can they do a so and so thing. You will never hear a ‘No’. They will always talk about their rich connections. From Gas connections to Children admission: solutions are always available with them. At least verbal solutions. Recently I became a victim of this humbug solution. Delhi’s ‘Juggad’ mentality.

My parents-in-law are coming to our place this September during Durga Puja. While trying to book their tickets in Howrah Rajhdhani I found that no lower berth is available despite some 60 tickets available for online booking. As my mom-in-law is in no position to climb to the middle or upper berth, one lower berth is essential. I informed this to my wife. She in turn told this to her friend. This friend’s mom is in some senior position in railways. This friend called up her mom and told about the situation. Her mom told that she can easily arrange two lower berths so there is nothing to worry. Gleefully, my wife called me and gave me this good news. I told my wife to go ahead despite been skeptical. I logged in again just for curiosity and found no more tickets are available. I told this to my wife. She panicked and called up her friend’s mom. But the lady told that she has considerable influence and the tickets will be arranged.

Now in the evening, my wife’s friend called and told that her mom has booked two tickets but in RAC. I was shocked. I conveyed my displeasure to my wife. She in turn called up her friend’s mom seeking assurance. And she assured my wife that tickets will get confirmed. Besides, there is high possibility of getting a lower berth. And incase lower berth is not available, a lower berth can always be managed in the train by greasing the palms of the Ticket Checker.

So I think by now you have understood the problem with Delhi’s people. I am not saying all are like this but then most are. If you can’t do a thing or if you don’t have some real connection, you should not try to mislead people just to earn some brownie points. This lady screwed up the entire thing. At least in the first case I was still getting confirmed tickets. But then a little greed from my side screwed it up. I have got my lesson. And the other good part is I have understood the meaning of “A bird in hand is worth two in the bush”. Never understood this idiom fully in real life. I have taken a hard lesson now. And one more thing - its no use asking for help from a person who is not in a capacity to help. So beware!

Passing the Buck

2009-06-30T22:58:00.002+05:30

Passing the buck is an art. Blaming others for your wrongdoing is the best way to save your ass. But then you need to do this carefully. Just like an artist who paints effortlessly in the canvas, the buck should be passed effortlessly. This is very common in the offices. When something good happens most of the managers take the credit themselves. When something bad happens the team members are at fault. Even within the team, passing the buck goes on as per hierarchy. Bottom-line, the buck flows from top to bottom. The juniors are always screwed.

Recently the top to bottom approach had taken a little dent in the Air India case, our national airline. The once Maharaja is now a Fakir. The entire organization is in total mess and is begging for government grant to stay afloat. Years of mismanagement and enjoyment has screwed the Maharaja badly. And now the thousands of employees are blaming the management for the mess. Although the management is no good but then the employees also never worked. The airhostesses are fat with no manners. Ask for something extra and you will know. Pilots are beyond their expiry date. Reports say there are some 7500 employees in Air India who never work. They are part of the Unions – Left, Right and Center. Interestingly, they also draw additional flying allowances apart from their salary despite the fact that these guys never flew as part of their work. Overall, Maharaja’s present condition presents a very sorry situation. And now these employees are blaming the management for their condition. The management is no God either. They have enjoyed government money for years and have pushed the once profitable airlines to deep loss. However, the point is the buck is getting passed from the lower strata to the higher strata this time. I think Unions in any big company have more say than the management. HARTAL is their deadly weapon.

Now I have an insight to share. There is a psychological reason why passing the buck happens. It’s because from the very childhood, we get accustomed to this habit. A kid bumps into a chair and falls down hurt, and starts weeping. The parent consoles the child by slapping the chair saying the chair is at fault, and that it has been punished. Nobody dares say to the child that it is his or her fault. I am sure majority of us have experienced this in our childhood. At least I have experienced this frequently during my younger days. And I'm convinced this is where it all starts --- blaming someone or something else for all your misfortunes. So passing the buck is in our nature. Although, I cannot say about others but in my case if I am at some fault I will definitely try to pass the buck. I am just trying to be honest. Apologies for this shrewdness! But then I can’t help it. Can you?

Budget Homes!

2009-06-29T22:14:00.000+05:30

Buying a home is every person’s dream. Whatever are your aspirations in life, you will always want to get a home for yourself at some stage. And I am no exception. But in India these types of materialistic dreams come at a huge price. So despite working for the last five years with an Ok type salary, I am still not able to get a small dwelling place for myself in Delhi NCR. The only thing that stands between me and my 2BHK dream is the sky-high price. And I strongly feel there are thousands of working professionals like me who are desperate to get a small shelter for themselves. But due to the demand supply mismatch and some builder friendly government policy, the price for this dream fulfillment is getting higher and higher. I simply donot understand how every successive government projects themselves as ‘Am Admi’ friendly.
The recession came as a boon for many prospective home buyers. Yes, the developers decreased their flat prices by some amount but then it’s too less to get maximum people like us interested. People like me are in search of affordable homes or budget homes. We cannot spend 50 lakhs for a 2-3BHK. We need something within 15 lakhs at the most. We are willing to compromise on space. We need a flat similar to the NANO. But unfortunately there is no one to fulfill our dreams.

The real estate market took a severe beating within the rising impact of the economic crisis. Demand fell and developers started having a tough time selling their stuff. Suddenly the prices started looking hyper inflated. The media was full of news highlighting the burst of the Indian real estate bubble. Analysts expected a huge fall in real estate prices. A correction seemed eminent. The budget buyers became overjoyed. I was one of those happy souls.

As the economic crisis went deeper, affordable housing became the buzzword. To get the demand back, developers were getting interested in affordable housing. Budget home projects started coming up. People like us started climbing to cloud 9. Finally dreams will come true. The news papers were full of advertisements for Affordable housing projects. Flats priced below 15 lakhs. Amazing! I wanted to be part of this budget action. And I started enquiring. I kept calling up companies, started visiting the housing project locations. The advertised prices were too cheap. Finally God has listened to my prayers.

Tragedy! Tragedy! Tragedy! On enquiring I found these budget homes to be trap homes. Builders were advertising/launching projects in faraway places and thereby pricing them below 15 lakhs. So on paper it seems very exciting. Once you enquire about the location you realize that you will be traveling 50-60 kms daily from those places to reach your office. This distance can increase phenomenally with decrease in price. And, as far as infrastructure is concerned please do not expect any. But still people are buying those. Recently, Unitech has launched their Affordable housing project called UNIHOMES. A 750 square foot flat is priced at approximately 25 lakhs. Although the location is not so bad, the prices will tease you like anything. God knows how they call it affordable! Jaypee Aman was a project in which I got terribly interested. It’s in sector 151 Noida. When I visited the site, I found the distance to be more than 60 kms both ways from my office in Sector 3 Noida. Bottom-line, with affordable housing comes smaller homes at God forsaken faraway places, where only eagles dare and dacoits rule.

So I have decided to continue staying in rent. And I sincerely request all the budget home buyers to please wait. Just hold your patience. We individually cannot do anything. But as a united force if we postpone our home buying for a year at least, I am sure the developers will start crying. And we will then have the much desired leverage. But I am no mass leader and so cannot mobilize public sympathy and support. So I am doing my part alone. I am not buying anything as of now. I am waiting. Will you?

Reverie in Sultry June

2009-06-28T09:42:00.003+05:30

The June heat is getting unbearable in Delhi. Why there is no rain? Last rain happened some 3 weeks back. And average temperature over the last two weeks is at 42 degree centigrade. Too much isn’t it. I think the world is really heating up. Long time back when I read “State of Fear” by Michael Crichton, I took the author’s argument very seriously. I sincerely believed that the concept of global warming is false and all the hype and hoopla surrounding it are handiworks of some wicked minds with vested interests. But now when I read that schools have declared summer vacation in Shimla, I have started believing in the concept of Global warming.

Despite the unbearable heat, my movie watching habit is intact. Every alternate week I generally go to some multiplex in Noida to watch the morning show. I go to the morning shows only because the ticket price is less and I cannot afford prices above Rs 100. I enjoy the two hours in the AC experiencing Wordsworth’s “Willing suspension of disbelief”. Lot of people advice me why waste money unnecessarily as I have a huge TV at home I can easily watch movies on DVD. But they do not know that once I possessed a huge desire to make films. I almost made it to the film schools. So during those two hours in the cinema hall, I dream. For me the best part of the movie is the credit rolls: “Directed By” – I imagine my name there. Yashraj Films, I replace it with my imagined home production unit name “Sunny Films”. Every shot I try to visualize the directors POV. It’s an experience of some other kind, which logical mortals will not understand. You need to be a professional day dreamer and a little eccentric to understand what I am trying to say.

Today when I was booking my ticket for the movie called “New York” online at http://www.bookmyshow.com/ , the memory of my first movie going adventure flashed in front of me. I was in Class VIII when i first visited a cinema hall, in my hometown Haldia aproximately 11 years back. The movie I watched was "Dilwale Dulhaniya Le Jaygenge". The cinema hall’s name is “Manjushree”. The Hall remains as it is. There have been some cosmetic changes with some big coolers getting fitted but the overall getup and appearance still the remains.

I was brought up in a family where books and studies mattered. My dad was an extremely serious guy who only watched news in the 14” inch Black and White TV. Mom was a housewife who used to spend most of her time reading. She was a voracious reader and read everything that was available in Bengali. And she was a wizard in Maths. I was never an outgoing kid. I was not so good at sports either. So eventually I also took to Books. But I had a secret desire to be a singer. I used to adore Kumar Sanu like my personal God. I used to vociferously sing in the bathroom. Once under the shower, I used to belt out endless hits of Sanu. Almost every day my dad had to shout and knock on the bathroom to get me out. Till today I strongly believe that my singing career was nipped in the bud by my father. I could have easily become a Kumar Sunny, SAP or something else. And in those times we had no reality shows where I can just gate crash and start singing. But past is past. Let me not dig the grave further.

It was in 1995 that the movie called “Dilwale Dulhaniya Le Jayenge” was released. The movie with SRK and Kajol was a super hit. And the songs were too good. Kumar Sanu had a few songs in the movie and the song “Tujhe dekha to yea jana sanam” became my personal anthem. Lot of my friends saw that movie and the story of Raj became irresistible. I knew my parents will never give me permission to see the movie. And the era I am talking about had no concept of pirated DVDs and cable. So going to the hall was the only option. I started planning. I took my cycle on the pretext of getting some Xeroxes done and carefully examined the show timings in the movie posters. And I was so driven by the urge to see the movie that I decided to bunk my English tuition. The 6pm show and my English tuition timings matched perfectly. I enquired about the rates. It was Rs 4 for Rear, Rs 8 for Balcony and Rs 10 for Dress Circle. Getting Rs 4 for the ticket and Rs 1 as my bus fare was a big thing but then was not that difficult also. I managed.

I decided to see the movie on Monday. Instead of going to tuition I headed straight to the hall. I was nervous. I stood still at one place and observed the people, the ticket counters, the entrance to the hall, the shops, the roads. I located the rear stall counter. Then my eyes scanned for any familiar faces. If I am caught I am finished. I scanned thoroughly and decided to go for the kill. I stood in the line and got a pink colored ticket and quickly came to a vantage point where I started scanning people again. If you would have seen my movements that time you would have strongly believed that I was a spy in my earlier life. I saw couple of guys like me with bags at some other strategic points. Good to have company. I was not alone. Once I found the area clear I quickly stood in the rear stall entry line. The gatekeeper checked my ticket and looked at me. I sensed the scorn in his eyes. Boys entering manhood too early. But then no where it was written that children are not allowed. I was not going for an adult show. I made my entry. And I did it proudly.

The inside of the hall was mesmerizing. So many people. Food stalls. There was an area in the left where there were posters of upcoming movies. I went there. The place was very crowded. I had a look. The upcoming Adult movie’s poster was also there. My eyes bulged seeing the poster. I moved away. I found there were multiple gates in the ground floor and there were two stairs leading to the 1st floor. It was confusing. No directions were given. So I asked a guy. He showed me the entrance in the ground floor. I entered the hall. As I looked up, I saw lot of chairs in the 1st floor. The structure was a semi circle format with the screen at the centre and I understood why the tickets were called balcony. The dress circle concept I failed to understand. Anyway, I went to the guy with a torch light. He pointed to my seat in the third row. It was too close to the screen. I was very happy. Such an idiot I was. Only after half an hour I realized that the closer you are to the screen the more screwed is your movie watching experience. The guys paying Rs 8 and Rs 10 were watching it from a large distance away from the screen only to keep their eyes stress free.

The movie was too good. I tried to position my dad in the place of Anupam Kher. I quickly rejected the idea. I can never call my dad “Pops”. Neither my dad will offer me beer and tell me to go and get my girl, mo love. Instead he will shoe me away. And the possibility of me dating someone like Kajol was extremely remote. I imagined the face of the girl in our school on whom I had a bad crush. I imagined myself in the place of Raj and she took the place of Kajol. She singing “Jara sa jhum lu mein”. Me singing “Na re baba na”. Then I rejected the idea again. Too much wishful thinking.

I went mad when the song “Tujhe dekha to iye jana sanam” started. I never heard Kumar Sanu’s voice in a theatrical setup. I had Goosebumps. I started singing without forgetting that I was in a public place. Soon I found a hand pushing me. “Chup kore thak bachha. Barire giye ga na. Gann dorechen Tansen” (Shut up kid. Go outside and sing. Tansen has started singing!!), the guy beside me told. Others were looking at me. It was such a big insult. I went Red in embarrassment. My ears became hot. Why can’t the world motivate the talented guys? Why they have to always fight so hard to get their voices heard? Why?

The movie ended. I was the last guy to leave the hall. It was an experience! I loitered here and there. I had a hour to kill. I bought a Bapuji cake and started walking through an empty street beside the hall. This road was under construction, which once completed will lead straight to Ranichak reducing travel time. I sat on the culvert and started star gazing. One day I will be a singer. I sang the song “Tujhe dekha to iye jana sanam”. I sang it again. My eyes became moist. I imagined myself on the stage with my parents in the front row. My sweetheart with her parents was also there. I can easily spot her from the stage. I was too excited. I started singing again.

“Your Internet Session has timed out” – the message popped on the internet explorer page. I was back to reality.

I love Monday Morning!

2009-06-26T20:19:00.001+05:30

“April is the cruelest month” wrote T.S. Elliot. Likewise, for most of the working class Monday is the cruelest day. After enjoying the weekend one has to get back to work on a Monday. This day symbolizes the end of something good and the start of something dreadful. I see people at their best moods on a Friday, Thank Goodness It’s Friday! Friday is the end of the sinister work week. Disco Nights, party lights, people swaying, music playing - everybody is in the mood.
I also used to hate Mondays. The hate was so immense that I used to bunk office every alternate Monday. This trend became so rampant that one day my frustrated Boss called me and asked me to explain why I fall sick only on Mondays. Why not a Friday? He must be joking. Nobody falls sick on a Friday.
With time things have changed. How? Firstly I got married. With marriage, one’s dependency on the paycheque increases. Secondly, I have developed a hobby. It’s Photography. Now this is an expensive hobby. Cameras are costly. So are the Photography books. My job pays me to get a few of these 'luxuries'. Besides, I have a dream! I want to have my own Digital SLR one day. I need a regular flow of cash for it. For me Monday morning is the start of a new work week, one step closer to the payday.
Please do not get me wrong. I love weekends. But what’s wrong with a Monday? It’s the beginning of a new opportunity, a new week. Monday is the day when we get one more chance to build something again, a chance to create something new. Monday is potential. Some people grab this opportunity. Some wait for the Friday.

Shineless Shiny!!

2009-06-16T21:12:00.000+05:30

Shiny Ahuja has raped his housemaid. Now this is very difficult news to digest. Shiny with his star image, looks and killer body could have slept with any woman. There are thousands of girls in Mumbai wanting to be the next Bollywood queen. A friend of mine who works in the film industry in a responsible position says that at least fifty percent of the women are willing to sleep with any guy who offers them a role. With no offence to the fairer sex, if this news is even true by a certain percentage, then people like Shiny has access to a significant number of girls to play around and take them to bed. Boys are not far too. Lot of guys is also sleeping in order to get roles, my friend says. They offer themselves to guys who promise them the silver screen magic. And my friend tells me Bollywood is full of gays and would be actors generally face them at one time or another. Thank God I never aspired to be an actor. My ass is safe.

So why did Shiny rape this maid? It’s a tricky question indeed. His Wife Anupam Ahuja has claimed that Shiny is a nice person and a man of character. She must be a very nice and liberal wife who allows her husband to have sex with other woman during her absence. You need to be very bold to give these kind of statements.

Now why did Shiny rape her? Is she too hot and preety? We can’t say as no pictures of her are available. For a change the media is behaving responsibly. She must be having very good assets but again cannot be confirmed. She was a virgin at the time of sex as per the medical reports. Her hymen was ruptured by Shiny’s banana during the brutal act. So was it because Shiny always wanted to do a virgin? Possible. But then was his wife not a virgin? We do not have data on this. So no comments. Another possibility is Shiny wanted to feel rape first hand as he was going to play a serial rapist in some Mahesh Bhatt movie. He wanted to get awards through his realistic acting and so he did the act in real only to get screwed. He thought he could get away as he was a star and the girl will say nothing. But the girl proved to be of very strong character. Other theories can be applied. Possibilities are endless.

In the movie "Life in a Metro" Shiny has intimate scenes with Shilpa Shetty. He did justice to the role of a struggling theatre actor. A person who had restraint with Shilpa, lost control on a servant girl sounds stupid. But Shiny got the plot totally wrong. He went after someone he thought he can get away with as he never thought the girl would go to police especially considering how much women & families value honor in India. But here we are dealing with a honorable girl who has the guts to stand up and protest. 99% of the rapes are not reported due to society image issues. At least she didn’t think of all these things.

Anyway Shiny’s medical reports are yet to arrive but most likely it is going to test positive as he himself has confessed that they both had consentual sex. So bottom-line, Sex has taken placed. Liked or not liked sex not sure at this moment. Now even if he is proved guilty, I have strong beliefs that he will come out a free man. Sometime back I went to give a Interview in one of India’s biggest corporate law firm. The guy told me frankly that cases in India are won not by evidences but by money and power. So in this case Shiny has both. So if Salman Khan after killing a man and Sanjay Dutt accused in Bombay Riots can come out clean, why can’t Shiny?
Whatever be the outcome one thing is sure. Shiny has lost his Shine. I am searching for his address. I want to send him a Black Cherry Shoe Polish and a Brush for his wife. So that both can get the shine back. It would be lovely to see a Black Shiny.

Fly Bird Fly!

2009-06-13T22:26:00.001+05:30

When I was young my grandpa always used to say that inspiration is a thing which one can find everywhere provided one knows how to get inspired. I never understood him but now I realize that he was right. Today I got inspired from a bird, a young one. That bird was just four inch in size, too small to inspire a 5’8”, 75 KG guy. But she proved otherwise!

Like every evening, I was having my tea in the verandah, which overlooks our society park. It was quite hot outside but I didn’t mind it. Children were playing in the park, lots of birds were coming back to their respective trees and the sky was getting grayish. Hope it rains, I sincerely prayed. Children of various sizes were present in the park. From the one foot to three foot, all were busy playing. Only a few were sitting very quietly at one place looking straight towards the sky. They seemed out of place. But then they are mostly likely to become the world’s future philosophers: the future Descartes, Plato and Seneca in the making. They must be thinking “Cogito, ergo sum" (Latin for "I think, therefore I am"). Thinking this I could not resist a smile.
And there were some Sardar kids. What a sharp contrast from those little philosophers. The way they were running and making some high pitched noise that they are surely going to join the Indian Army and get posted in the Pakistan border. They had that talent of scaring away people. Suddenly a small bird flew and sat in the bench near where the little sardars were playing. She could not evade the children’s eyes. It was clearly evident that she was a bit injured. She was hopping instead of flying. Two adventurous sardars grabbed this golden opportunity. They wanted to capture that little bird. Slowly they kept moving towards her. One step at a time. Their movement was like just like some under cover agent closely following a suspect. The two came really close. I got up and held the railing tightly because the situation was getting tense. I wanted to shout at them but something kept me quiet. Why the bird is not looking back? Why is she not flying away? Now the two were really close. The bird sensed the predators behind. It hopped few steps away. The boys got a little nervous. They were really close. I guess they started doubting their ability to catch that bird. Victory never comes easily, they forgot. The two moved again, this time more carefully, inch by inch. The bird did not move. They were just one foot away. The sardar with the red turban slowly moved his hand towards the bird. His right hand was slowly moving towards her but bird didn’t move. What has happened to her? Fly Bird Fly! Come on. They are going to torture you. Run. My heart cried. Just when the sardar tried to close his iron fist and catch the bird, it flew away. My happiness knew no bound. The bird was flying despite been injured. It was hopping for such a long time. And now it was flying despite the pain. Her confidence made her fly. Sheer grit and determination to maintain her freedom. She proved that she is the master of her own destiny. She is a child of freedom. Her indomitable spirit cannot be tamed. I was happy and kept looking at those two young sardars who seemed dejected and were blaming each other for the loss. It would have been a golden prize for them, and a good way to impress the young sardarnis in the park.

Mithunda and Dance India Dance

2009-05-24T01:23:00.001+05:30

I generally don’t like seeing reality shows where contestants are totally dependent on votes sent by general public. Lot of regionalism and partial judgments comes in to play in these shows and most of the times talented participants are voted out. But recently I have started watching one dance reality show called Dance India Dance in Zee TV. The three judges are Terrence Lewis, Geeta Kapoor and Remo D'Souza. There is a super judge or the grandmaster. It’s Mithun Chakraborty. And he is really the star of the show. The participants are top class dancers. I especially like Salman. I think he has enough talent to give competition to Hritik Roshan. I do not know how Zee TV gets these talented guys. It’s really good to see these guys dancing. It’s so elegant, innovative and energetic. Today Salman was dancing wearing a single skater. I have never seen such thing in my life. What a control!

But the best thing of the show is the presence of Mithunda. He is the ultimate star for me. The real disco dancer. Why do I love and respect him so much? It’s not because I am a Bengali but because I am a very common guy. Just like thousands of others. And for us Mithunda rocks. He is the star of the masses. He never had the backing, never had the pedigree, never had those connections. Still he made it. I think this guy is a living epitome of hard work and dedication. And he commands respect wherever he goes. To me he is much taller figure than Amitabh Bachhan. A true hero.

In today’s Dance India Dance show, Mithunda shared the story behind Agnipath’s Krishnan Iyer MA. Mithun during his struggling days used to stay in a one room municipal flat in Bombay for class D staff. Now Mithun used to pay Rs 75 and sleep on the ground. His friend who was a South Indian used to pay Rs 150 and sleep on the bed. He was rich than Mithun at that point of time. One night a rat entered the flat and bit Mithun. He was bleeding profusely. Somehow he stopped the blood flow and managed to fall asleep. In the morning when his friend was gone he slept at his bed. Unfortunately the guy came back from office early and was furious to see Mithunda sleeping on his bed. His bed for which he pays Rs 150 per month! He shouted at Mithun “Kya re. Tu 75 deke mere 150 Rs bed mein soyega! Tere himmat kaise hua re! Mein lungi utha ke tera wo haal karega re ki tu…”. The dialogue was obviously in pure South Indian tone. This incident gave idea to Mithunda to create the comical coconut seller, Krishnan Iyer MA in Agneepath.

Agneepath remains one of my all time favorite movie. Whenever I see Mithunda, the fighter, the born to win figure in TV, I remember the starting lines of Agneepath. It’s the poem by Amitabh’s father, Harivanshji.

’Vruksh ho bade bhale..ho ghane ho bhale..Ek Patra chhah bhi mang mat, mang mat, mang mat..Agnipath, Agnipath Agnipath; Tu na thamega kabhi tu na mudega kabhi tu na rukega kabhi, Kar shapath, Kar shapath, Kar shapath, Agnipath, Agnipath, Agnipath. Ye Mahan Drushya hain, Chal raha Manushya hain, Ashru, Sweth, Rakta se Latpat Latpat Latpat..Agnipath, Agnipath, Agnipath’

Poll Results and Myself!

2009-05-19T20:13:00.001+05:30

Finally the results are out! No one expected the Congress to win by such a huge margin. Good for them and hopefully good for the country. I have no political leanings so my emotions are under control. May be if given a chance to vote I would have given my vote to congress. But if given a chance! I am not sure when that chance will come. I have a Bengal voter ID and I am based in New Delhi. So it is not possible to go to Bengal to cast my vote and comeback to Delhi. The stock market has given a big salute to the new UPA government by rising over 2000 points in a span of 13 minutes. Two times it reached the circuit breaker that trading was halted for the day! Good going! Hope this Bull Run lasts. But as the saying goes whatever goes up comes down. Overall I am happy with this new government. Hope they tackle terrorism in a strong way and reduce income taxes. My salary has already decreased (I am in IT sector) and my sincere request to Manmohanji to please consider our case and reduce income tax levels for poor souls like us.

The results in Bengal have made me very excited. The Marxists have lost. And the best part, my hometown CPM MP Mr Lakhsman Seth has lost by a huge margin. I am happy to see this man go. Mr Seth never supported dedicated party workers and CPM loyalists. Opportunists were always given a chance. And I have never received anything in the 20 years that I have spent in his constituency. I have got my education in a private school, got in college and university by pure merit. I tried to get a job in Haldia but I lost out to candidates sent by party cadres. Merit took a backseat. Talent was a foreign word. The colour Red mattered. And I didn’t wear any Red shirt. Same happened to my friends. They also failed to wear Red shirts. But God’s grace was with us. We had the courage to leave Bengal and settle in other places like Delhi, Mumbai, and Hyderabad where opportunities existed for hardworking guys.

Now, Bengal belongs to Mamta. This lady has driven away the Tata group. She seems to be anti-industry. But then I am not sure what will be her policy as she is now in power. Industrialization is the only way to create further jobs. She knows this well. I will be watching her closely. This is her chance to perform. My best wishes for her. I will also be closely following my father in law (a TMC loyalist) and my mother-in-law (a CPM loyalist). Its good have debates and verbal fights but when it goes on 27/7 it becomes irritating. Hope both of them will co-exist peacefully with my wife as the referee. I love both of them too much but not their parties. I just love development. Whoever does it is my beloved! Can i expect a ticket now?

Reading Shantaram

2009-05-16T10:33:00.003+05:30

I am taking a big lesson these days. There is a saying do not judge a book by its cover. Well I think I have made the mistake. I have bought the book Shataram few months back and have recently started reading it. It’s a mammoth of 950 pages and I am halfway through. The book sucks. Sometimes plot is good. Sometimes very obvious. Sometimes very verbatim. Sometimes brilliant. Sometimes pathetic. If you ask me this questions “How have you managed to read some 450 pages if you do not like the book?”. My answer will be “Sometimes I like it. Sometimes I don’t”. The worst part of the book is when it takes a plunge into philosophic discourse. It’s pathetic to see that Australian Lin discussing philosophy with his gangster boss. It just doesn’t fit. I think Gregory Roberts wanted to write everything at the same time. He was targeting the Nobel but then toned down to Booker. Once he realized that getting the Award is for literary giants he decided to increase his bank balance. So his book took care of that part. But overall lot of pain and hard work has gone into the book. The imagery used in the book appeals a lot. But when it’s going good something bad pops up. Like the cholera scene in the slum. Cholera has broken out in the slum. Things are pretty bad. People are dying. Pain and death everywhere. Lin was doing his best to help the slum people with his quack medicine skills. Then Karla appears suddenly in the slum. Karla is Lin’s girlfriend. Then the author through Lin starts describing Karla’s physical beauty, her Salwar Kamiz etc. The way the descriptions were flowing, I wouldn’t be surprised if Lin would have told something like Karla had wonderful boobs. Round and firm. Very soft. Very Creamy. Well I think the timing was bad. I did not like it. But these are subjective things. What appeals to me might not appeal to others. I paid for the book so I guess I have right to criticize it. Anyway I will finish the book asap. At the end of the day the Book is an International Best seller. Till then let me keep guessing who put Lin inside the jail!

Mayawati cover your face! You need to save your face from the pigeons!

2009-05-14T21:23:00.002+05:30

From now on I do not love pigeons any more. I just hate them. I just want to kill all the pigeons. Slit their throat and give them to the dogs. Please pardon my gory language but I am angry. Why? It’s because of a bloody pigeon.

Today I came back from office a little early. I quickly got fresh and switched on the TV. IPL was going on. Delhi was playing with Deccan Chargers. After having few biscuits and a glass of water I went to the kitchen to make a cup of tea. What the hell! A pigeon is sitting on the gas oven. It gave me a very timid look. I stood still and scanned one corner to another. Destruction and dirty shit everywhere. Glasses were broken. Spice containers were rolling on the floor. The spoons were lying on the basin slab. And pigeon shit everywhere. Only the Brisleri bottle was left alone. Ah! At least it understood the importance of water in this sultry summer.

I did not disturb the pigeon but tried to find out how it got in. Oh! There it was. The kitchen window latch was not properly put. The windows opened due to the winds. This Pigeon somehow willingly or accidentally got inside through the window. Now before it could make its exit, wind closed the window panes. And this little devil had no other exit route because all the windows in my flat were shut. So in its desperate attempt to break free it unfortunately created this destructive scene inside my kitchen. I quickly pushed the window panes wide open. Idiot! Instead of flying out of the window the little devil tried to hide behind the crockery shelf. I tried to go near it and push it out using a big spoon. It flew out of the kitchen and went straight into my bedroom. The windows were closed there too. It made a circle and then dashed against the glass panes. Then it sat on top of the curtain rod. I opened the windows and pointed to it but the devil was in no mood to fly away through the window. I guess it was terribly afraid that she might get killed. Do I look like a murderer you fool? I switched on the fan but put it off immediately because I was having serious doubts on this pigeon’s intelligence. It might hurt itself in the fan blades. I shouted at it. No result. I jumped towards the curtain rods with arms stretched out as if I was going to catch it by its throat. No result. It sat still on top and desperately tried to become as large as possible. It was puffing itself big as if it wanted to scare the hell out of me. Ok devil! You wanna frighten me! Hold on! I will flush you out. I got myself the mosquito spray. I will spray this deadly poison on your eyes. But better sense prevailed. I put it down. I don’t want to harm her. After all she also has a family. I don’t want to be a murderer and make someone cry. So I rolled up few news papers like balls and started throwing them at her. And it worked. The pigeon suddenly flew downwards and went away through the window! Mission accomplished!

I went to my kitchen and made my tea. Then I closed the kitchen door. Let it remain as it is till my maid comes. I called up my wife and updated her about the situation. I felt pity on that poor pigeon. Such a foolish creature. It simply had no brains. The kitchen window was not closed. I mean there was no latch in place. A little push and the windows would have opened. But it could not open it as it did not have the necessary physical capacity. At the end of the day it is not a human being with superior intelligence. I gave a smug smile sensing my superior intelligence compared to that pigeon. But then a thought came to me. This pigeon may be weak. It has no high intelligence levels. But it can still go and deposit shit in Mayawati’s face. I mean she is setting up numerous statutes of her own self throughout Uttar Pradesh inside the Dalit parks. Now no human being has the guts to shit on those statues. But this pigeon can easily go and do that. It is a fact that God has created all creatures equal. Certain weaknesses have been compensated by little strength in other areas. Hail to the almighty pigeons! I no longer hate them. After all it has more guts than me! Mayawati cover your face! You need to save your face from the pigeons!

Why I cant vote?

2009-05-07T11:05:00.000+05:30

Today is voting day in Delhi NCR for the 15th general elections. And it’s a holiday too! Despite having a Voter ID I will not be able to vote. Strange right? Well the ID card is from Went Bengal but as I work in Delhi so voting here is not possible. In India you can only vote from the particular ward from where your voting card has been issued. So if I want to vote I have to go to Bengal on 13th May, 2009 and cast my vote. But then that is not possible as travelling such a huge distance and then coming back seems not feasible. The government needs to do something about people like us. There must be lakhs of people like me who despite wanting to vote cannot vote as they work in a different place. I think postal ballot system should be seriously given a thought. But then chances of corruption also increase. India is a land for corruption and it takes pride in holding top position in the worldwide corruption index.

So bottom-line it’s just another holiday for me where I will be sitting inside home doing nothing meaningful. Today I will drive my car in the afternoon when roads will be empty. I desperately need to practice driving. I am going to Lansdowne in the month end. But unfortunately I will not be able to take my car. Maybe after a few months when I am more confident driving. Till I reach that confidence level, let Indian railways earn some extra money!

With nothing much to do for the whole day I have decided to read Alzazira. I am starting to like their English news website. Interesting news presentation. And women in Kenya will no longer offer sex to males. That is their way of protesting against poor governance in their country. The first lady of Kenya is not participating. I think Indian girls should follow suit. These politicians will fall in line once they are deprived of the juicy pleasure.

Sunday thoughts!

2009-05-03T21:24:00.001+05:30

Sundays are never eventful in my life. Almost all Sundays start with a cup of tea and Times of India. Then I have some breakfast. Once over I pick up some novel randomly and read for a while. And after an hour or so I get bored. I do some net browsing, read a couple of more newspapers online, play some games, do some chatting if I see some friends online and by the time its eleven my wife comes and I have to vacate the PC for her. She plays Scrubbles. She plays this game religiously every Sunday. Ousted from my PC I try to find solace in some unfinished novel but cannot concentrate. I switch on my TV and surf news channels. These days al the channels have only two news: IPL or Vote. Extremely repulsive! Disgusted I try to catch some movie but same old stuffs keep getting repeated. I have seen them all.

Today my Sunday started off in the same fashion. The weather was a little cool today so I decided to read the news paper in the balcony. My balcony been park facing is quite airy. I sipped my tea. Cool wind was blowing and the sky was cloudy. Yesterday Delhi had a maximum temperature of 44 degree centigrade. So this cool air was God’s gift. I earnestly wished for rains. But that was too big a wish to be fulfilled. In the meantime my breakfast arrived. Pasta time. Finishing my breakfast I sat in the balcony again. The society was surprisingly silent today. I guess people are enjoying the cool weather by sleeping a few extra hours. Good for me. I love solitude. I went inside the room and got Shantaram. It’s a really big book of some 950 pages. I am reading it for the past one month. Two gardeners arrived dragging a pipe with them. Every alternate Sunday the park gets watered. I think they should do this every week. A lady in a nearby flat was taking pictures of the park. Her balcony was like 30 meters away from my balcony. I tried to decipher the shooting subjects. Then she went inside and got something. What was that? I gave an intense look. She was slowly moving her hand from one direction to another direction and then she held it straight towards me. Oh it’s a handycam and me reading Shantaram is the subject. I looked down at the book and then casually looked towards her and gave her a mesmerizing smile. I am sure she will be bowled over by my smile. Besides when she will see my bare body I am sure it will serve her in multiple ways. I was wearing nothing else apart from my boxer shorts.

The gardeners have started watering the plants. One of them was holding the green pipe and pressed the pipe nozzle halfway through his fingers. He was spraying water on the trees. It looked good. I could feel the enjoyment of the leaves. They were having their bath. As the water was getting sprayed from one tree to another, the leaves were getting greener and greener. I love green. It’s full of youthful energy. I remember when I was young my dad used to tell me to keep looking at the green paddy fields when we went to our ancestral village once every six months. He believed that by looking at green, your eyes become healthier. Soon it became a habit for me to keep staring at green. Couple of year’s back I got myself in an odd position due to this habit. It was Durga Puja time. I was with my friends when a lady wearing a green sari entered the auditorium. She was with her friends. My eyes got fixed on her. After all it’s green. And then soon I found myself staring at her green breasts. I didn’t realize she was looking at me. All the other girls were also looking at me. Now you see what an embarrassing situation I got into due to my green habit.

But these green leaves are different. The sun was gently getting visible. The leaves sparkled under the sunlight. The dry ground was getting water and that lovely smell was coming. That smell, which comes when it rains after some very hot days. Or the smell of the first monsoon rains. A whistle sound broke the silence of the park. Who the fuck is whistling? I peeped out of the balcony. A society guard with his big lathi was walking towards the gardener. He had an empty bottle in his hand. And he kept whistling. Man you should whistle at night not in this hour of the day. But I guess he was enjoying the whistling. He went to the guy who was watering the plants. With a big smile he told him to fill up the bottle. That guy filled it up. He took the bottle and finished the bottle in a moment. He smiled and told him to fill it up again. The guy obliged. Taking the bottle he walked away. This time he didn’t whistle. He was smiling. I looked here and there to figure out the reason for this smile. I was sitting in the second floor so had a good view of the park and the surrounding. But I guess he was smiling just for the sheer joy of smiling. Happy for no reason.

But the how could he drink that water coming from that pipe. Then I laughed at my naïve thinking. If someone can afford Brisleri water he will obviously find that pipe water not suitable for drinking. But for a security guard mineral water is a pipe dream just like owning a bungalow in Delhi is a pipedream for me. I travel in an Alto. But people riding BMW might think how I am able to sit inside an Alto. It’s such a small car. So the top guys always looks at the lower placed guys in a strange way. That’s the way of life.

My cell phone rang. I picked it up!

Hide and Seek with a pigeon!

2009-05-02T16:44:00.002+05:30

The place where I am staying these days is full of pigeons. Not the white ones but the grayish ones. The outside space of the dining hall windows is a bit more as the walls are thicker on that side. And these extra spaces of all the flats are occupied by pigeons. All the society flats have lot of windows; people generally keep the dining space window closed as it anyway doesn’t offer much air except in summer. The pigeons with the passage of time have taken this extra space as their birth right. When I first entered the flat I saw a nest over there with two little eggs. I could have easily opened the window but then the nest would have got damaged. Building a home is a difficult task and when you think of these little creatures building one, the case becomes all the more special. So I kept the window closed and put a curtain there as a goodwill gesture. The right to privacy. Let both of us live without disturbing each other.

Off late I have started disturbing her. In fact to be precise I play hide and seek with her. Saturdays and Sundays I keep disturbing the lady pigeon. What I do is peep from the one side of the curtain. And I make the best effort not to let her know that I am watching. But I think she has some radar sort of thing or a motion detector. Whenever I peep she looks at me. And it becomes an eyeball to eyeball confrontation. LOC is the window pane. Both sides testing each other. Waiting for the first move. When I blink or bring my eyes closer to the window panes she flies away. I step back from the curtain and wait for few minutes. She is back again. Then again eyeball to eyeball confrontation. And the way she keeps bending and twisting her neck is amazing. This way that way. Up down. Left right. What stuff is her neck made of?

Sometimes when I peep I find her hubby is also beside her. Or may be her boyfriend. Sometimes they become very cozy. Very interesting scene. I cannot control myself and I peep. Kabab mein haddi. And he flies away. A coward! But she stays with iron determination in her eyes. A mother’s resolution of protecting her unborn. I step back.

Summers have come and I need to open that window for more ventilation. But I have decided not to open that. I guess I can withstand a little extra heat inside my flat. At least I have the option of going into my bedroom and switching on the AC. She hasn’t.

I kissed the feet of God!

2009-05-01T17:22:00.000+05:30

Responsible, Mature, Serious – These three words are totally missing from my life. This is my wife’s accusation against me. And recently I have seen lot of other people close to my heart accusing me in the same line. Well I will not defend myself. To some extent the accusation is true. I am working for the past four years and still my bank balance is abysmally low. I am yet to decide what I really want to do in life. My wishes keep changing. Near and dear ones constantly put pressure on me to do a MBA to consolidate my position in office and move up the corporate ladder. But do I really want to keep going to some office for the next twenty five years of my life. No I don’t. So what is the need for an MBA? But then you never know. Like the last four years, the next twenty five years also may just pass by with me going to office everyday and still thinking what to do to make my life a success!

But things are changing in my life. And how?

Few days back my wife’s friend Ruchi gave birth to a princess. Hearing the good news both of us went to Faridabad to see the little angel. Now I never had an opportunity to see such a small kid. She was just 7 days old –so cute and so small. She was sleeping peacefully and didn’t respond to her mom. We waited patient for her to open her eyes and give us a smile. Then dad took over. Surprisingly when her dad called her she opened her eyes and gave a confusing to look seeing four pair of eyes together. I got a bit nervous as she was on the verge of crying. But her dad told her some incomprehensible stuff in her ears and then she suddenly smiled at all of us. Ah! What a smile. The power of an innocent smile brimming with positive energy is endless. It highly invigorates you. All pain, depression, fatigue vanishes in front of that smile. I was a bit afraid to touch her. She is so soft and small. But then seeing my wife skillfully taking her up in her arms, I got a little confidence and I kissed her forehead. For a second I just felt I kissed the feet of God.
While coming back I was totally lost in my own thoughts. I discovered a new found respect for my parents. 27 years back I was also in the same position. Tender and small. And look at me now. Friends call me baby elephant! And after some years I might be having a baby! And along with the baby comes huge responsibility. The responsibility of a father.

I am trying to be a little more serious with my life. Regarding what to do for the next 25 years of my life I am still undecided but one thing is sure I am trying to use every moments of my life productively. After all its just one life we have and we don’t have any right to waste it away. The only comforting factor right now is I have a very caring wife – a person ready to be with me through thick and thin.

Kutte to Kutte Hote Hain !!

2009-04-06T00:01:00.001+05:30

Last Sunday, my friend Chandan came to our house for dinner. After having dinner me, my wife and Chandan were walking in the society park and were chatting among ourselves. A middle aged South Indian Auntie was walking in the park with her dog. Her husband was walking beside her. It was a cute puppy of some very good pedigree. Suddenly the puppy broke free from the lady’s hand and started running inside the park. There were lots of people inside. It went from one corner to another. The Auntie started running behind it but the puppy was too fast. It headed straight towards a group of men and jumped on a guy. The guy instead of panicking started to cuddle the puppy. The puppy took all the love eagerly and then broke free and rushed to a different group. There again it was welcomed with lots of pampering. Then it started running towards us but then decided to change course and went to a different group. Seeing the puppy’s friendly behavior, the lady gave up the chase and shouted at it to come back. The puppy ignored the shouts.

Now Chandan never liked pets but seeing this puppy he declared that he would like to have a pet like this. I told him “why don’t you go and ask the uncle about the pedigree. Its really sweet and this kind of dog will suit your personality”. Meanwhile the uncle took charge of the puppy and held the rope tight. The puppy looked sad due to the end of its freedom. Chandan went to the uncle and started chatting with him. The puppy then started jumping upon Chandan. Chandan caressed its forehead. It got encouraged and gave big jump and put its leg inside Chandan’s boxer shorts. Chandan vehemently pushed it downwards to save his balls but the damage was already done. The puppy has scratched his legs big time. Blood was coming out. We rushed towards him. The Dog uncle told Chandan not to worry as the puppy was injected so only a little application of Dettol will be sufficient.

Chandan played down the incident and we all went straight home. After putting Dettol he declared that one should never go to a dog wearing half pants otherwise who knows, one’s balls might get ripped off. Besides, no use cuddling and pampering these dogs because at the end of the day “Kutte to Kutte hote hain “ (At the end of the day a dog is a dog).

The Puncher!

2009-04-05T01:50:00.001+05:30

The most dreaded thing in a writer’s life is “writer’s block”. According to Wikipedia, “Writer's block is a phenomenon involving temporary loss of ability to begin or continue writing, usually due to lack of inspiration or creativity”. I am aware of this fact for quite a long time now but never experienced it. But over the last few months I have started maintaining a blog of mine so did quite a bit of writing once in a while. It was going good but then suddenly the tempo went down. Then I got busy for a whole month in selecting a car for my wife and then once the car was bought, I got busy with other things. Lots of interesting things happened in my life after the car came to our home. Many funny things happened daily. Every day I used to think I will write. Days passed. No output. Why was this happening? What is the reason? Oh God! Never imagined I will be facing writer’s block. I thought this only happens to fulltime writers not to every Tom Dick Harry. But here I am: A Tom Dick Harry type writer not able to write despite having ideas in my mind. So Writer’s Block struck me.

I got lot of free time daily. Every time I decided to write a bit and sat in front of my PC, I did all other things except writing. I played games, I read news papers, I watched a little porn, did this, did that but no writing. Initially I didn’t mind. I started enjoying this “Writer’s Block” thing. Seemed very fashionable. As now I am in the big league. I started imagining a lot of things. As my writing became nil my day dreaming increased by leaps and bound. One day I had a dream. I dreamt that I was sleeping with Arundhati Roy. Once the job was done we hugged each other and I asked, “Aru why can’t you stay away from your human rights drama and devote yourself to fiction writing. Where ever there is a problem you make yourself available. See what you did to Ratan Tata in Singur. Why are you doing all this? You are such a talented writer. Keep writing otherwise I will not love you anymore.” She looked at me with eyes full of tears. “I can’t write darling. I am suffering from Writer’s Block”.

“Its 8am and you still sleeping. Get up. I said get up. What are you? Rajar beta, otho bolchi (King’s son, get up I said”. Ah! My wife. God! Why do talented people get so harsh treatment from their wives? I got up and thought of the dream. Poor Arundhati. People write and say so many things about her without understanding her problem. She also was suffering from “Writer’s Block” and look what happened to her. It’s good I am not a fulltime writer otherwise God knows what I would have been doing now.

Again days passed. My appraisal was over and as usual I got very average rating. To top up my grief, our company was pondering on a across the board pay cut to fight the global recession. I just took a car one month back and have to pay the EMIs for the next three years. If there is a pay cut how will I survive? I seriously started thinking for getting some part-time income source. But then it’s easier said than done? For every job there are a thousand candidates. What to do? What will happen if I lose my job?

I started watching and listening to lot of personality development, self improvement videos and tapes. I need to improve myself. If ever I lose my job I should be in a position where I can get a job again. Fast. I started writing down a list of things I can do. Writing topped the list. But now the question is how writing can give me money. No idea. But need to keep writing. May be just for the fun of it. May be if I love writing, writing will love me. I tried to write. But I wrote a few words and then started watching porn on my PC. I kept trying. Every night I kept thinking of Arundhati. May be she could give me some tips. She is a prize winning author. It’s no joke. She could have helped me out with some useful tips. Nights passed. She was not there. Then I saw a film called “Finding Forrester”. There is a scene where Mr Forrester ( A famed writer) says to Jamal (a young writer), *Punch* the keys, for God's sake! I took this advice and sat in front of my PC and started punching the keys. It worked. My style of writing is very easy. All you have to do is punch the keyboard and rest is taken care by MS Word. I have to just make sure that I don’t break the keyboard. I kept on punching. No more Writer’s Block. As I told before Writer’s Block are for writers, not for punchers like me. So friends whenever you feel you are not able to write you just keep punching. The only difference is they will call you a puncher instead of a writer. I don’t care if they call me a puncher. Do you?

At least I I’ll try to be a good sexy uncle!

2009-02-01T23:32:00.000+05:30

I am growing older every day. Three years back I had no grey hair, was very slim and had lots of ideas. Well, now the first two points remain invalid. I am living my late 20s life now and soon I will hit the 30s. And once I reach 30 my greatest fear will come true. I will go to the Uncle category. In fact yesterday a young fellow already asked me “Uncleji Swanirman Vihar kis side hoga” (Uncle can you please tell me, which side Swanirman Vihar is?). Honestly, I felt like trashing that fellow. “Salley tujhe mein uncle dikhta hoon”, my heart shouted out although mouth did not obey the impulse. I pointed to my left and walked away. I guess the guy wanted to tell “Thank you”. I didn’t require his Thanks.

I have to do something. Time is running out. I am growing older every second. Every moment is precious. My biological clock needs to be controlled. Amir Khan is 46 and nobody dare to call him an Uncle. And post Gajini nobody even dares to make eyelevel contact too. Eight packs. Eight deadly packs. May be I should get some packs. Instead of packs I have a tummy. Shame on me. God! You listening? Give me some packs. But shouting to God is no use. It’s me who is responsible for the chaos in my body. Home to office and office to home. Read newspaper, watch a little TV, do a bit of writing, eat, drink and go to sleep. Well one cannot expect a deadly Amir Khan body based on this sedate lifestyle. I have to do something.

When I was in school we had to study Shakespeare’s As You Like it. There was a monologue by melancholy Jacques regarding man’s life. He compared men and women as actors and the earth as a huge stage. Every man plays his part and his part is divided into seven stages: infant, school-boy, lover, soldier, justice, pantaloon, and second childhood, "sans teeth, sans eyes, sans taste, sans everything".

“All the world's a stage,
And all the men and women merely players:
They have their exits and their entrances;
And one man in his time plays many parts,
His acts being seven ages. “

I have been an infant, school-boy, a lover (and I got my wife in the process), a soldier (working with a MNC with an ok type salary). Now I will enter the justice stage but I guess I have some time left before I can be the justice. In today’s context, justice is like the Vice president, Director or some big shot manager. As I am yet to be a manager so technically I still remain in the soldier category, maybe in the advanced stages. I have to prolong this. I would like to be a VP of a company and earn more but in the process do not want to lose my youth. What’s the point of becoming a VP when people will call me an “Uncle”. What’s the point of earning money when I am just an old man. Yes as I progress in my life I will get more power, more money but these are useless without the vitality of youth. And in case I become very powerful I might get lot of young power hungry girls but again what’s the point of getting them when you are no longer capable. Viagra was made for the Uncles not for people like us.

But I cannot change the nature of life. I am born to die and that is my destiny. There is no solution, which will prevent me from becoming an Uncle. At least I I’ll try to be a good sexy uncle!

India! Nah...

2009-01-06T22:51:00.003+05:30

Today I was taking a walk after lunch in the office compound. I have this bad habit of overhearing others. A young fellow was also taking a long walk with his manager. I knew both of them. The guy asked his boss “Sir koi onsite opportunity nahi hain abhi? Bahut din ho gaya testing mein hi laga para hu. Bore ho gaya idhar. Sab US ja raha hain, settle ho raha hain udhar”. (Sir is here any onsite opportunity. It’s a long time now I am involved in testing. I am getting bored over here. Everybody is going to the US. They are getting settled there.) And the government keeps saying “Incredible India! India shining!” God knows how? GDP growth? Anyway this conversation, which I overheard, made me remember a recent column I read in Mint.

A couple of days back a columnist of the paper, S.Mitra kalita wrote her last column for the paper. She was writing for Mint for the last 2 years after moving back from US to India. Now she has decided India is no good and she is going back to US. As far as reasons are concerned, there were quite a few. One of them were the Indian cities are growing while the villages remained as it is. She visited her ancestral village after two decades and found it as it was when she left. So distribution of wealth was not taking place. Development was not taking place uniformly. And she had her other reasons to hate India. Despite been an Indian she was ashamed of her country. In fact she echoed the sentiment of this guy who was pleading with his manager for some onsite opportunity in US or UK. India is boring. Fuck India. Love the US and the UK.

Let me quote her “After two years in India, I know now why my parents left the country in the first place, discoveries I wrote about here”. So she had intelligent parents who took her away from this fucking India long time back. She got her education in US. And she hates India. And what more can you expect. These NRIs are always asking the question “What the country can do for me?” Only if they had asked “What I can do for my country?” But she has points and some are valid.

It’s different for people like us. People, who grew up in small towns/villages, completed their education there and moved to big cities like Delhi for jobs. I completed my Masters degree in a government university where I paid Rs 60 per month as tuition fees. And presently I have got myself a decent job in Delhi. Now what? Yes I also want to go to US. I also want to go to UK. It’s good to have ambitions. As Gecko told in Wall Street “Greed is right, greed works. Greed clarifies, cuts through, and captures the essence of the evolutionary spirit. Greed, in all of its forms; greed for life, for money, for love, knowledge has marked the upward surge of mankind.” But how can we explain the greed of people like Kalita or the guy who was pleading with his manager to send him to US or UK for onsite project? I am not sure. But I do not like these characters. Well maybe I have never been to New York or London so I might be a little naïve. But I guess it’s good for me to live a first class citizen in India instead of a second class citizen in some other country.

Condom. Bindass Bolo!

2008-12-27T19:30:00.002+05:30

Despite government’s best efforts to promote condoms, buying a condom still remains a big pain. In a recent ad we see few elderly ladies and a parrot shouting at the man for feeling shy to say the word “Condom”. The ladies tell him to shrug off his shyness and ask for a condom unashamed. “Bindass bolo” they say. Great! After all there is nothing to be ashamed in asking for condoms. But the reality is bit different once you visit the market. You don’t find too many encouraging people saying “bindas bolo”. Ninety percent of the condoms are sold from the neighborhood drug stores, grocery stores and pan walahas. Now the problem is that majority time the people you meet inside and outside these shops are not the “bindass bolo” types. You go to the drug store. You find lot of customers inside. You come out and wait. You keep waiting for the crowd to get thin. Ah! It’s empty. You rush in but two more fellows get inside with you. Oh no! An aunty walked in and positions herself beside you. What you do? Most of the time you end up saying “One strip of Gelusil please”. You come out. Same story in other stores. The grocery shop, the pan walah, all are too crowded. Where are the Bindas Bolo ladies? Enough is enough. You muster up courage and walk in to the drug store and say “Ek Kohinoor dena. Chota wala” (Give me a Kohinoor. The small one). All eyes roll despite their best attempts not to roll. Human nature after all. After all somebody is going to have a blast, so eyes will roll. Jealousy? Admiration? I don’t know. Sometimes the store guy will not give you the condom if there is a lady present inside. Once she walks out, you get your prize. Patience you must have.

The best place to buy condom are the Departmental stores, the big ones like Big bazaar, Spencers etc. But to ease the process you must buy some other stuff too. Now you can always do that isn’t it. Enter the store, get a carry basket, pickup few biscuits, Maggie, fruit juice, a coke and pick up the condom of your choice. All the brands and varieties are up on display. You just pick the one you like. In fact the more you pick up the better for you. I mean if one can stock biscuits packs, there’s no harm in stocking few condoms extra! Once you are done, walk up to the billing counter. Pay and just walk out with your stuff. Mission accomplished with minimum damage to the civilians. No more obstacles now between you and that ecstatic moment. Enjoy! Topi Pehenke! (Wearing the cap).

The Dog!

2008-12-21T23:41:00.000+05:30

I have seen dogs almost everywhere. The road dogs can be seen in the streets, in the parks, inside society complexes, outside malls and restaurants, near dustbins and almost all other public places. The more fortunate ones, i.e. the expensive breeds, which people keep as pets can also be seen at lot of places, in the cars, in flats, in flights, in five star hotels, in airports, stations etc. But today I saw a dog in the most unimaginable place possible. As I woke up in the morning, I removed the window curtains. And behold, there was the Dog on top of the roof of the five storied building opposite our block. No one was nearby. Besides, going by the look it looked like the street dogs. It was all alone. What the hell is it up too? The way the dog was standing at the roof edge was dangerously. Akhsay Kumar’s image flashed in front of me. He is used to dangerous stunts but the Dog is not Akki. I came closer to my window. It came more nearer to the edge and looked downward. What? Was it attempting suicide? You cannot blame him. The condition of our country in the hands of our politicians have deteriorated so much that even dogs are finding it hard to live here anymore. So the dog has reasons to jump down and give his life. I desperately wished it come down. But it showed no sign of retreat. It was walking to the right side where the water tank was. Why was it walking right? I rushed to the balcony and shouted “Hush hat hat jah jah”. The security guard looked at me from the park. I pointed him towards the Dog. He raised his lathi and shouted “hat hat”. Soon a couple of other voices from nearby flats shouted “hat hat jah jah hush”. Soon it was a cacophony of multiple voices targeted towards the dog, which unfortunately was least worried. He kept walking left and right at the edge. It was a dangerous scene. I guess it was mustering the courage to jump down. After all it’s not easy to part with one’s life easily. Suddenly it jumped backwards and in a minute came down and ran towards the society gate. The security guard pursued it with vengeance. I was relieved. I Wish I had recorded the entire episode in my camera. But as goes the saying “when the thief is gone, ideas flash”.

Management Consultancy

2008-12-16T00:19:00.000+05:30

I have a fascination about management consultants. In fact the division I work with is full of these elites. I am always surrounded by these people, which makes me more and more interested in their work, in their life. Yes, I aspire their positions, I aspire their salary, and I aspire their lifestyles. They keep moving around the globe just as I keep shuttling between my home and office. Unfortunately I do not have the skills neither the qualifications to become one. But there’s no harm in aspiring. No harm in dreaming.

But I have one suggestion to all the companies who keeps hiring the management consultants. Before hiring they should try to look for solutions using the company resources. These guys are paid exorbitant amounts for the work they do. It’s a fact that these people are overhyped. Most of the times they visit the company, keeps interacting with the employees, ask for their suggestions and then recommend the best suggestion as a solution for the problem. And they get paid to do that. Most of the times if the company shares the problem in an open forum with its own employees; an innovative solution will come up and free of cost. But companies are too much fascinated by these management consultants. Yes, they may be good. They are intelligent. But hiring them comes at a cost. So it’s always better to look inside your company for a solution before seeking external help. The companies press the panic button too early. But anyway I will not at all mind getting into the shoes of some management consultant. After all I also love money. As far as the required qualification goes I am thinking of getting an MBA. But when I do not know. Till then I will continue with my dream of becoming a management consultant.

Meeting Mr Bra!

2008-12-14T12:16:00.001+05:30

An office friend shared an interesting incident with me. He and a few others had requested their project manager to release them from the current project as they found it no longer challenging. They were all in IT support and for the last one year they were doing the same task and no learning and growth were taking place. They had their valid reasons. The project manager called the group of disgruntled souls to come and visit him. They went. The manager was busy and asked them to come to his cabin after one hour. They came again. The manager was busy inside chatting on phone. Five minutes, he gestured by showing five fingers. The gang entered after five minutes. The manager asked them to take their seat and asked them “So why do you guys want to leave”? “Sir, we don’t have much work. Besides, IT support gives us very limited learning opportunities”. “Sir we want to go into software development role and so not keen on continuing with IT support”. “Our ratings have remained at the average 3 for the last two appraisal cycles.” They told. The manager stretched his hands sideways and pushed his back and went in a reclining position in his chair. Then after few seconds he sat straight. “Well where do you want to see yourself five years down the line guys?” he asked. “Software development, Business development roles” were the answers. “And what kind of salary growth are you expecting during these five years?” the manager looked at them like a cat, which watches a rat from a far distance before going for it. He had definitely something in his mind. “Sir around 12% growth yearly”, one of them answered. “Absurd. Increase your expectations. You have heard that saying, aim for the stars then you might reach the moon. Increase your ambition fellows. Read Anthony Robbins. Just 12% expectation will get you just 2%. And you know although our company has huge brand name it pays very less. This working life has nothing great to offer you young fellows. Stand up and be different. Get yourself counted among the elite. Salaried class always will remain poor and dissatisfied. Anyway, please come back to me after lunch. Hopefully we will find out a solution”. They left. A lot was going through their minds.

They entered the cabin post lunch. A fat fellow in his mid forties was sitting beside the manager. He looked a bit like the actor Boman Irani. “Friends this is Mr. Sanjeev Bra. He will tell you something very interesting and helpful”, the manager declared. How can a person’s title be Bra? Sanjeev stood up and shook hands with all of them. Then he introduced himself as a senior fellow working for Amway (the famous MLM cosmetics brand) earning more than a lakh every week doing nothing. He started some eight years back when Amway had just entered the Indian market. All he did was recruit five Amway distributors just like him. These five went to add more distributors and the chain kept getting longer. Right now he has more than a thousand Amway distributors under his down line and he keeps getting commissions from the products getting sold by the chain. He has visited US, UK; all expenses paid by Amway. And he requested them to take Amway distributorship by just paying Rs 5500 and then carry the Amway success story forward within the company. They will soon earn like him in lakhs without making much effort. All they have to do was to recruit some more distributors who are good and have good contacts. They will soon go places.

The guys were shocked. What a project manager? They couldn’t say No directly so bought some time to think it over. The Amway fellow wasn’t much happy. He knew these fellows are unlikely to be Murgis (hens). The guys came back. After lot of dilly dally and inspired by fellows like me who want to create a revolution in the world they decided to report this matter to HR. After all it’s against company policy to solicit business inside the company.

The manager’s behavior is understandable. These types of fellows (exceptions are there) who joined the company quite some time back have suddenly found themselves in big positions. They do not have the requisite knowledge to perform in today’s dynamic work environment. So they delegate their work and sit idle reading news papers and chatting away the office hours. And the fault lies with the company management because instead of pushing meritocracy they went with seniority while appointing project leaders. Colonial hangover still continues with the elderly population of India. And lots of these people are in management positions in various companies. So the manager’s mindset was decipherable. But one thing that keeps baffling me is that how can a person’s surname be “Bra”. My enquiry in this matter continues.

The Panty Picker!

2008-12-14T00:17:00.003+05:30

Today two good friends of mine came down to my place for lunch. After lunch we were chatting and having some drinks when the doorbell rang. I hate to open the door when I am drinking. But I cannot ask my friends to open the door. So reluctantly I opened the door. A lady, in her mid thirties was standing there. She stays in the 3rd floor flat. I have seen her before. She told “Sorry to disturb you. A cloth of mine has fallen in your balcony. If you can please get it for me”. “No problem”, I told and went to the balcony. Nothing was there. I looked again. There it was. I picked it up. It was a brown colored panty with black dots. Looked like somebody has washed it as it was wet. Now this is odd. How to give this panty to that lady? It was quite embarrassing. For a second I thought let me call that lady inside and let her take the panty away. But then I hesitated. What to do? I looked at the panty again. It seemed quite large. I picked it up and handed it over to the lady. The lady thanked me and went away but I could feel that even she was embarrassed. Once I closed the door my friends gave me a pervert look. And then one of them told how could I give that panty so easily. I should have asked for proof. She should have stripped down and wore the panty in front of us and then she should have been handed over that panty. Noble thought but heavily influenced by alcohol. But the Idea wasn’t that bad, what say friends? Everybody has the right to some fun. Isn’t it! So from today I can proudly say I am the panty picker.