Inch by Inch

This is one of my most favorite speeches! Just keep adding up all the inches!

You need somebody to lean on.

To be successful you need somebody to lean on. This is undoubtedly true and majority of us, who might have tasted success at any given point, will probably agree to the importance of having someone near and dear on whom you can fall back. I remember in my college Part I exam I topped the university. But despite studying harder, I could not do well in my Part II exam. Luck? Destiny? More hard work was required? Whatever is the case I had a terrific support system in my grandfather. I didn’t feel low. At the end of the day it was just a matter of inches. Probably I was just an inch short.

But now times are changing. Families are getting smaller and smaller. Moms and Dads are getting busier and busier. School fees are getting fatter and fatter without much improvement in quality. Earlier we had our grandpa and grandma staying with us. Today it’s just mom, dad and the kid. Earlier we had friends with us. Today spending time with friends is such a waste of time. It’s a rat race out there and young fellows are getting trained to beat the competition. And in the process I feel they are losing the very people on whom they can lean. In my school days we had some great teachers. Now this is fifteen years back. The world was different that time. Today quality teachers are a rare commodity. Everything is just business. End of the day relations are getting interlinked with the kind of money you are willing to spend.

Despite all the cruel changes taking place in the world, one thing has remained constant. It is the world of books. I was lucky to have been introduced to the world of literature by my grandfather. And I took mighty solace in the world of books. I travelled in deserts, oceans, space. I visited continents. I fought wars! I died multiple times. I experienced pain and happiness through the pages. And I also got inspired. But today literature and humanities in general as a subject has lost its glory. That’s a pity. Younger generation is not getting introduced much to literature. Majority parents think it to be such a waste of time. But they are wrong! Books are the best persons to lean on. And in today’s competitive world a child will be forced to face failures more than success. And you need something to lean on especially during the times you fail. And books are a wonderful support. Only if our kids realized this!

I hate Shilpa Shetty.

I hate Shilpa Shetty. I hold her responsible for many wasted hours inside the bathroom doing things I shouldn’t be doing during my school days. I hold her responsible for all those wet dreams. For all those hard moments. For all those desires which was of no use. Wish I had listened to our Maths teacher in school. He used to warn us, the boys, that life will give you two choices. Pleasure by hand or pleasure by mind. The more you learn maths, the more your mind will enjoy, which will give you the ultimate satisfaction in your life. Bullshit! Majority of us choose pleasure by hand. I used to buy hot post cards and store them secretly. And as the night descended I used to take out those hot stuff and indulge in nocturnal pleasures. And pictures of Shilpa Shetty with her flat stomach and enticing belly button – it was too hard to control. It just became an un ending flow.

Today when I look back at those days I feel sorry for all those wasted hours! All those wasted energy! Only if I could recover all those lost moments! Inch by Inch, Bit by Bit! I copuld have reclaimed by life back, set things up in order. But that’s life! As you grow old things get taken away from you and you only realize when you have lost it. Wish I had listened to my Maths teacher and indulged in the intellectual pleasures. But then who is responsible for this? I hold Shilpa Shetty responsible. God knows how many young souls she has corrupted. I am not her only victim. Probably you are also. Just think of your youner days! Maybe some other actress. Or some actor?

Thanks to Lalit Modi I am enjoying Rajasthan Royal’s corrupted deal in the IPL and the consequent income tax raids. And the predicament of Shilpa Shetty and his husband Raj Kundra! Till yesterday the whole world knew Shilpa Shetty to be one of the owners of Rajasthan Royals. But today with increased pressure she has twitted that she is just a brand ambassador of Rajasthan Royals. She has no shares. Her husband has. But unfortunately her husband’s name is not in the share holder list. What the hell Shilpa? I am keeping a close eye on you from my very young days! And the way you have exposed to move up the value chain, well this kind of lie was only expected. Instead of trying to bait rich fellows with your body, try to do something meaningful in your life.

Peeping inside! Thank you dear Frog.

Few days back I read in Indian Express that some kind of a law might get formulated which will ban dissecting animals in laboratories in the name of education. By animals I mean the lesser mortals…sorry lesser animals like the frogs, rats, rabbits etc. And sometimes cats and dogs too. The bigger the merrier! But the maximum damage happens to the frog community. Lot of people blames the frogs for their appalling condition. They say they deserve to die. They have such “down” attitude towards life! They never can think big and so never make it big. Their destiny is to pass away at the table. Well the case has some merit. This community has never ever stood up for its rights! They are chained to the bottom of the well. As Mao se Tung told “We think too small, like the frog at the bottom of the well. He thinks the sky is only as big as the top of the well. If he surfaced, he would have an entirely different view.” And its no wonder they do not find sympathy from the likes of Maneka Gandhi! She was too busy courting the Lions and the Langoors! Why not! They have such raw sex appeal. They have the charisma. They have the power. What does frogs have? Nothing! But then my dear friends If you can discover the meaning in the frog’s trilling, then we might just understand that it is not just noise but a song of poetry and emotion. But then we all are not poets to understand a frog’s croaking!!

I am no fan of frog. They look disgusting. I still remember those school days when we were asked to get frogs for our biology class. It was such a bullshit affair!! Every time I tried to catch a frog it pissed on my hands! And their urine is bloody poisonous. It makes your hand itch. For my class XI biology practical I caught a big frog. The rainy season made my task easier. It was healthy, greenish brown in colour, shining black eyes and a throat…Adnan Sami like! The old Adnan! From the time he has lost weight…well he looks kindda “na idhar ka na udhar ka”. I put this frog inside a plastic pouch, sealed it, made two holes for it to breath. Next day I took it to class. And then the idea struck! Honestly I was trying to “line maro” a girl in my class. But despite my best attempts she was least interested. I kindda looked so stupid in front of her. She was beautiful, with some mind blowing assets. Whenever I went to the bathroom her image accompanied me and during my entire masturbating session, she took the charge! Roleplay, dreamplay, foreplay, handplay, toungeplay…Sensational! And I desperately wanted to impress her! I got a long string and tied that to the frog’s right leg, or limb to be correct. And then I took it out. I bent down toward it and told it
“Listen dude! You simply gotta follow me! Behave yourself! Just follow me! Else your life is finished at the lab table! If you listen you go free and also get some dead mosquitoes in return. Deal?”

He croaked mutedly.

I guessed it understood the threat! I walked in the corridor and the frog followed. Soon a small crowd gathered. This crazy guy has a frog as its pet. Even I could not believe my eyes! This frog was jumping behind me as if it’s my dog. It was so obedient. And soon she was there face to face! The frog behind me! I stopped. Looking at her made me forget everything. The iron ores flying in the wind which some times made our eyes burn, now it seemed so beautiful..fragrant! That dhoti kurta clad Dolai Sir whom I wouldn’t mind murdering under normal circumstances…now he seemed a harmless lovable creature. Such is her magic! She makes the devil look like an angel! She is everything to me! Oh love lets us be close to one another, whats the point in been separated when we are born to be soulmates forever. . I walked towards her with a big smile. And then the frog showed its true colour. The devil. It jumped. The jump of his life. She was wearing a blue frock. And it jumped strategically inside the skirt!! Believe me. I was stupefied. And the ruckus she created! She jumped and lifted her skirt up shouting. And the entire crowd saw her purple panty! And Dolai sir, the devil incarnate took me to the headmaster room. And I was thrashed like anything.

I donot where is she now! I donot know where that frog went. But I am indebted to the frog! He made see experience the thing which I could'nt have done myself!

Rent a Monkey!!

I generally spend at least twenty minutes every day for deleting spam mails. I really donot know how my office email id becomes public so often but I am fed up of these junk. It’s a complete time waste. And most of the times even if you unsubscribe from the company’s mailing list, these mail still land up after a while though some other 3rd party source. Like the airlines code sharing funda, I guess these email marketing agents have their own sharing arrangement. An arrangement, which is difficult to bypass. Companies know every thing about me. What I want to wear, what type of books I love, my favourite perfumes etc etc. Probably soon they will know my bedroom activities and send me targeted mail! How do they all know this? All I know is I am been tracked. Everybody is been tracked. Love Sex Dhoka syndrome!

But recently my opinion have changed about these spam mails. I no longer find them offensive. Yes deleting them is time consuming but at least I no longer look upon them with venom in my eyes. The reason is an interesting mail http://www.wannamo.com/. Now i have no idea how my email id got registered at this site. Probably I gave away the id through some survey or some third party registration. My work requires me to download lot of reports from this and that website and most of the time I have to give my office email id for verification as I cannot access other mails at office. Anyway the mail was one of a kind. Highly interesting! It told me that I can rent a monkey for day for just Rs 90 instead of the regular price of Rs 1000! Rent a monkey! Why the hell would I want to rent a monkey boss? Would you want to rent a monkey? Let me paste the content of the mail.

“India has always been a place where monkeys were always revered as the brethren of Lord Hanuman, although there have been times when these revered animals have created much havoc and chaos. But what do you know - today you have your own monkey to do some monkey business. So no more you keep staring at the peddler who strolls his own monkey in the streets and you just gaze with amazement with his awesome power to keep the animal under check. Now you have your own monkey with whom you can do limitless things. Right now, we don't have to even give you any clue since we are sure you might be having your own idea about what to do with the monkey for the whole day. Just for Rs 90”

This is the height of entrepreneurship! This is the way we will take on the Chinese. If China can manufacture anything under the sun at dirt cheap prices then we have monkeys to give away on hire at dirt cheap prices. For every Chinese import we will export a monkey! Tit for Tat! For every job taken away from the Indian soil we will send a monkey! For every political battle won we will celebrate with a monkey! And we will not rest till all the monkeys have been exported. And what ever remains I am sure the Gandhi family will rent them up! Pranab babu cheer up! No need to finger the middle class with further taxes! All you need to do is keep collecting the monkeys!