Condom. Bindass Bolo!

Despite government’s best efforts to promote condoms, buying a condom still remains a big pain. In a recent ad we see few elderly ladies and a parrot shouting at the man for feeling shy to say the word “Condom”. The ladies tell him to shrug off his shyness and ask for a condom unashamed. “Bindass bolo” they say. Great! After all there is nothing to be ashamed in asking for condoms. But the reality is bit different once you visit the market. You don’t find too many encouraging people saying “bindas bolo”. Ninety percent of the condoms are sold from the neighborhood drug stores, grocery stores and pan walahas. Now the problem is that majority time the people you meet inside and outside these shops are not the “bindass bolo” types. You go to the drug store. You find lot of customers inside. You come out and wait. You keep waiting for the crowd to get thin. Ah! It’s empty. You rush in but two more fellows get inside with you. Oh no! An aunty walked in and positions herself beside you. What you do? Most of the time you end up saying “One strip of Gelusil please”. You come out. Same story in other stores. The grocery shop, the pan walah, all are too crowded. Where are the Bindas Bolo ladies? Enough is enough. You muster up courage and walk in to the drug store and say “Ek Kohinoor dena. Chota wala” (Give me a Kohinoor. The small one). All eyes roll despite their best attempts not to roll. Human nature after all. After all somebody is going to have a blast, so eyes will roll. Jealousy? Admiration? I don’t know. Sometimes the store guy will not give you the condom if there is a lady present inside. Once she walks out, you get your prize. Patience you must have.

The best place to buy condom are the Departmental stores, the big ones like Big bazaar, Spencers etc. But to ease the process you must buy some other stuff too. Now you can always do that isn’t it. Enter the store, get a carry basket, pickup few biscuits, Maggie, fruit juice, a coke and pick up the condom of your choice. All the brands and varieties are up on display. You just pick the one you like. In fact the more you pick up the better for you. I mean if one can stock biscuits packs, there’s no harm in stocking few condoms extra! Once you are done, walk up to the billing counter. Pay and just walk out with your stuff. Mission accomplished with minimum damage to the civilians. No more obstacles now between you and that ecstatic moment. Enjoy! Topi Pehenke! (Wearing the cap).

The Dog!

I have seen dogs almost everywhere. The road dogs can be seen in the streets, in the parks, inside society complexes, outside malls and restaurants, near dustbins and almost all other public places. The more fortunate ones, i.e. the expensive breeds, which people keep as pets can also be seen at lot of places, in the cars, in flats, in flights, in five star hotels, in airports, stations etc. But today I saw a dog in the most unimaginable place possible. As I woke up in the morning, I removed the window curtains. And behold, there was the Dog on top of the roof of the five storied building opposite our block. No one was nearby. Besides, going by the look it looked like the street dogs. It was all alone. What the hell is it up too? The way the dog was standing at the roof edge was dangerously. Akhsay Kumar’s image flashed in front of me. He is used to dangerous stunts but the Dog is not Akki. I came closer to my window. It came more nearer to the edge and looked downward. What? Was it attempting suicide? You cannot blame him. The condition of our country in the hands of our politicians have deteriorated so much that even dogs are finding it hard to live here anymore. So the dog has reasons to jump down and give his life. I desperately wished it come down. But it showed no sign of retreat. It was walking to the right side where the water tank was. Why was it walking right? I rushed to the balcony and shouted “Hush hat hat jah jah”. The security guard looked at me from the park. I pointed him towards the Dog. He raised his lathi and shouted “hat hat”. Soon a couple of other voices from nearby flats shouted “hat hat jah jah hush”. Soon it was a cacophony of multiple voices targeted towards the dog, which unfortunately was least worried. He kept walking left and right at the edge. It was a dangerous scene. I guess it was mustering the courage to jump down. After all it’s not easy to part with one’s life easily. Suddenly it jumped backwards and in a minute came down and ran towards the society gate. The security guard pursued it with vengeance. I was relieved. I Wish I had recorded the entire episode in my camera. But as goes the saying “when the thief is gone, ideas flash”.

Management Consultancy

I have a fascination about management consultants. In fact the division I work with is full of these elites. I am always surrounded by these people, which makes me more and more interested in their work, in their life. Yes, I aspire their positions, I aspire their salary, and I aspire their lifestyles. They keep moving around the globe just as I keep shuttling between my home and office. Unfortunately I do not have the skills neither the qualifications to become one. But there’s no harm in aspiring. No harm in dreaming.

But I have one suggestion to all the companies who keeps hiring the management consultants. Before hiring they should try to look for solutions using the company resources. These guys are paid exorbitant amounts for the work they do. It’s a fact that these people are overhyped. Most of the times they visit the company, keeps interacting with the employees, ask for their suggestions and then recommend the best suggestion as a solution for the problem. And they get paid to do that. Most of the times if the company shares the problem in an open forum with its own employees; an innovative solution will come up and free of cost. But companies are too much fascinated by these management consultants. Yes, they may be good. They are intelligent. But hiring them comes at a cost. So it’s always better to look inside your company for a solution before seeking external help. The companies press the panic button too early. But anyway I will not at all mind getting into the shoes of some management consultant. After all I also love money. As far as the required qualification goes I am thinking of getting an MBA. But when I do not know. Till then I will continue with my dream of becoming a management consultant.

Meeting Mr Bra!

An office friend shared an interesting incident with me. He and a few others had requested their project manager to release them from the current project as they found it no longer challenging. They were all in IT support and for the last one year they were doing the same task and no learning and growth were taking place. They had their valid reasons. The project manager called the group of disgruntled souls to come and visit him. They went. The manager was busy and asked them to come to his cabin after one hour. They came again. The manager was busy inside chatting on phone. Five minutes, he gestured by showing five fingers. The gang entered after five minutes. The manager asked them to take their seat and asked them “So why do you guys want to leave”? “Sir, we don’t have much work. Besides, IT support gives us very limited learning opportunities”. “Sir we want to go into software development role and so not keen on continuing with IT support”. “Our ratings have remained at the average 3 for the last two appraisal cycles.” They told. The manager stretched his hands sideways and pushed his back and went in a reclining position in his chair. Then after few seconds he sat straight. “Well where do you want to see yourself five years down the line guys?” he asked. “Software development, Business development roles” were the answers. “And what kind of salary growth are you expecting during these five years?” the manager looked at them like a cat, which watches a rat from a far distance before going for it. He had definitely something in his mind. “Sir around 12% growth yearly”, one of them answered. “Absurd. Increase your expectations. You have heard that saying, aim for the stars then you might reach the moon. Increase your ambition fellows. Read Anthony Robbins. Just 12% expectation will get you just 2%. And you know although our company has huge brand name it pays very less. This working life has nothing great to offer you young fellows. Stand up and be different. Get yourself counted among the elite. Salaried class always will remain poor and dissatisfied. Anyway, please come back to me after lunch. Hopefully we will find out a solution”. They left. A lot was going through their minds.

They entered the cabin post lunch. A fat fellow in his mid forties was sitting beside the manager. He looked a bit like the actor Boman Irani. “Friends this is Mr. Sanjeev Bra. He will tell you something very interesting and helpful”, the manager declared. How can a person’s title be Bra? Sanjeev stood up and shook hands with all of them. Then he introduced himself as a senior fellow working for Amway (the famous MLM cosmetics brand) earning more than a lakh every week doing nothing. He started some eight years back when Amway had just entered the Indian market. All he did was recruit five Amway distributors just like him. These five went to add more distributors and the chain kept getting longer. Right now he has more than a thousand Amway distributors under his down line and he keeps getting commissions from the products getting sold by the chain. He has visited US, UK; all expenses paid by Amway. And he requested them to take Amway distributorship by just paying Rs 5500 and then carry the Amway success story forward within the company. They will soon earn like him in lakhs without making much effort. All they have to do was to recruit some more distributors who are good and have good contacts. They will soon go places.

The guys were shocked. What a project manager? They couldn’t say No directly so bought some time to think it over. The Amway fellow wasn’t much happy. He knew these fellows are unlikely to be Murgis (hens). The guys came back. After lot of dilly dally and inspired by fellows like me who want to create a revolution in the world they decided to report this matter to HR. After all it’s against company policy to solicit business inside the company.

The manager’s behavior is understandable. These types of fellows (exceptions are there) who joined the company quite some time back have suddenly found themselves in big positions. They do not have the requisite knowledge to perform in today’s dynamic work environment. So they delegate their work and sit idle reading news papers and chatting away the office hours. And the fault lies with the company management because instead of pushing meritocracy they went with seniority while appointing project leaders. Colonial hangover still continues with the elderly population of India. And lots of these people are in management positions in various companies. So the manager’s mindset was decipherable. But one thing that keeps baffling me is that how can a person’s surname be “Bra”. My enquiry in this matter continues.

The Panty Picker!

Today two good friends of mine came down to my place for lunch. After lunch we were chatting and having some drinks when the doorbell rang. I hate to open the door when I am drinking. But I cannot ask my friends to open the door. So reluctantly I opened the door. A lady, in her mid thirties was standing there. She stays in the 3rd floor flat. I have seen her before. She told “Sorry to disturb you. A cloth of mine has fallen in your balcony. If you can please get it for me”. “No problem”, I told and went to the balcony. Nothing was there. I looked again. There it was. I picked it up. It was a brown colored panty with black dots. Looked like somebody has washed it as it was wet. Now this is odd. How to give this panty to that lady? It was quite embarrassing. For a second I thought let me call that lady inside and let her take the panty away. But then I hesitated. What to do? I looked at the panty again. It seemed quite large. I picked it up and handed it over to the lady. The lady thanked me and went away but I could feel that even she was embarrassed. Once I closed the door my friends gave me a pervert look. And then one of them told how could I give that panty so easily. I should have asked for proof. She should have stripped down and wore the panty in front of us and then she should have been handed over that panty. Noble thought but heavily influenced by alcohol. But the Idea wasn’t that bad, what say friends? Everybody has the right to some fun. Isn’t it! So from today I can proudly say I am the panty picker.

No Saree No Salwar: I don't want to be an Aunty!

Yesterday I was roaming around in the mall with my wife after having an early dinner. A group of girl along with some uncle and aunts were coming from the opposite direction. They were discussing something and everybody voiced their voices ferociously. It looked like a walking fish market: never seen such a rowdy family. When they came close to us, I heard a skinny girl say “Mein to kabhi nahi Indian dress pehenungi. Bakwas, puri Aunty lagti hu Saree Salwar mein. Skirts Jeans sahi hain mere liye”. (I will never wear an Indian dress like Saree Salwar. They make me look like an aunty. I am comfortable in jeans and skirts). She was wearing a pink skirt, black Pullover and Black slacks. And she had heavy makeup. She made me remember a vamp character which I had seen recently in some movie. I think this lady should be immediately sent to England. These days there is a tremendous increase in these types of characters who consider Indian dresses as devoid of fashion. I felt pity on her considering her physical structure. Thank God she is not wearing a Saree or a Salwar. Let’s preserve the Saree and Salwar for those Indian ladies who are really sweet, beautiful and who do not openly say Indian dresses make them look like a “Behenji”. Thank God no RSS VHP member was not nearby. Else this skinny vamp would have been lynched.

Their way of crossing the street!

Delhi has the widest roads in India. In simpler term, the best roads. But like entire India, one thing is common in Delhi. The roads are not only meant for people and their vehicles, it is also for the animals. Generally two types of animals are mostly found, one is the cow and other is the dog. Every day while going to office I spot quite a few cows and dogs crossing the busy streets. You must be wondering, what’s new in this? We all see animals on Indian roads, its common. I agree. But I want to point out the difference in their way of crossing street.
A dog moves swiftly. You will find him waiting for the traffic to be a little light and once it finds the front stretch a bit empty, it runs like a Cheetah. It runs hard until it’s on the other side of the road. No problem caused to the drivers. No problem caused to the people around. The operation is over in a jiffy. Like the Rapid Action Forces, swift and fast. Why do they run so fast? It fears been run over. After all it does not have the body to scare away drivers. A cow has that. If your car hits a cow, you are in trouble. No one cares for the stray dog.

Now how does a cow move? The Cow’s movement is totally different from the Dog. The Cow has a big body and is blessed with eternal bliss. I have never seen a Cow moving around worried, tensed. Bindas. Now how does it cross a street? One step at a time. It looks towards the destination and ventures out. I have seen it to be a little careful when buses or trucks move. Other vehicles are no cause of worry. One step at a time, it crosses the street least bothered about the running traffic. Daredevil Akhsay Kumar animalified (personified). Sometimes to make matters worse, it stops. The traffic stops too. After all it’s not a dog. You cannot just run it over and say it was just a Dog. So you wait and honk the horn. “Hat hat, jah jah”, people shout. No effect. The cow remains as it is. Soon it starts urinating and then the famous Cow dung comes out. Chhop Chhop. Then somebody gets down from the car and hits it at its back. It moves a bit, more hitting, more steps and soon it’s out of the street. This is the way the cow crosses the street. You will never see it run. One step at a time is the mantra of its life.

Our government must immediately recruit some traffic police for directing this animal traffic. And I am sure our traffic police will be efficient in this. But they might simply not agree to do this as cows and dogs do not have money with them. Their Challan business will not flourish. Hope Sheela mam does something.

I will not wait. Why? Are you the PM?

Today I was waiting for my turn at the ICICI ATM when suddenly a man came from nowhere and stood in front of me. I was standing a bit away from the glass door to facilitate the exit of the man who was inside the ATM. Now this man stood in front of the gate. I looked back. There were three more people behind me. Going by the protocol, this man was supposed be behind all of us but now he was standing in front of the gate, ready to go inside the ATM once the guy comes out. I was a bit puzzled not sure how to resist the guy from going inside. I am kind of an introvert. The situation was quite odd for me. But this is not the first time I am seeing these types of characters. India is full of them and these types of nuts are mostly seen in Delhi and Mumbai. “Me first, me first. I will not wait” sums up their attitude. Complete morons! Couple of years back I wouldn’t have mind. Today I did mind. Nobody was saying anything. India is full of these types of people too. “Hone de yaar, Janne de yaar” types. Let it happen, no hurry man. But I was in hurry. When the guy inside the ATM came out, the nut tried to enter. I told him “Boss I am in line, please excuse”. He gave me a shocked angry look. Did I commit a blasphemy or what? I entered, withdrew the money and left. The man tried to enter now but the guy who was waiting behind me told him the same thing, which I told. “Boss I am in line”. The man gave him a threatening look and took his position at the end of the line. Behind three more guys.

The problem with our generation is most of us taking lot of things for granted. If only everyone stood for their rights, India will soon be a much better place to live. All you need to do is follow the line and not break the rules. Yes, sometimes breaking the rules is necessary to achieve something. But you shouldn’t break the line when lots of fellows are standing in a line, waiting for their turn.

The fool Naqvi!

Once an obscure politician from Rampur, Mukhtar Abbas Naqvi's rise has been meteoric. Fielded by the BJP from the predominantly Muslim constituency in Uttar Pradesh, to appeal to secular sentiments and to project a gentler face to the minorities, Naqvi, is now popular face in BJP and Indian television.

Now friends, this person’s bread and butter come from politics. So it is quite natural from him to get angry when his trade is ridiculed and the politician population is lambasted. He has the right to protest. But the problem is he lacks the education to protest sensibly and intelligently. Politicians never had that amount of education anyway. Muscle power and money power is all you need. So after the Mumbai tragedy last week, the entire country has started blaming the politicians. This type of protest has never happened in our country before. We have protested in many issues but never was a politician called a Dog, a Cat, a Bastard, and a Terrorist so openly as it is been done in the streets now. As they say beware the fury of a patient man. The Goliath has awakened. The people are angry at the callous attitude of our politicians and the way they are governing the country, the way they are pushing their own personal agendas, the way they are selling the country for their own personal benefits, their own family benefits.

For the last few years politicians are sitting on the recommendations of the police reforms, judician reforms. They have taken no action in setting up a Federal Investigative Agency. The results are frightening: 190 dead and over hundreds injured in the Mumbai tragedy. After all how can you expect the Police to fight with defective bulletproof jacket and muskets (this rifle fires one shot at a time).

Now there are a lot of protest rallies going on against the corrupt politicians and candle light marches for expressing sympathy for the dead. Now this Naqvi cannot stand this. What the hell? How dare the people of India raise their voice so much and openly abuse the politicians. Naqvi is still in the colonist era, the era of “maai baap sarkar”, “ji hujur era. “ Seeing so many candle lights I guess he has gone mad. To prove his madness and his famous idiot mind he told that people should not blame the politicians. Instead they should blame the ISI. Instead of saying “politician murdabad” they should say “Pakistan murdabad”. Some ladies with makeup and lipstick lighting candles and wearing western clothes cannot be treated as the voice of India. Basically, he has taunted all of us, the thousands of people who lighted candles, came out to the streets to protest against the terrorist attack and saying to the politicians “enough is enough”. Naqvi desperately needs a kick in his butt to wake him up. By criticizing the Indian middle class and the elite, he has dug his own coffin. But this Muslim neta will play his minority card in vote and win again. Some bastards remain a bastard. This is one of that type. The day this fellow dies, India will be a little more clean. India will celebrate. Naqvi why don’t you consume some poison and die a dignified death. Otherwise you will keep ridiculing the people of India.

The internet is full of comments regarding Naqvi’s words. Some praising him, some calling him a dog. One of the comment, which made me think anyway is:

“These "lipstick and power girls" always care about their make-up and pack-up, but one question I was to shoot striaght away.....are these people who are conducting candle vigils have ever participated in voting? Do they know the name of their state/central ministers? Do they know how the country is doing? Do they read more than 2 Newspapers for more information?”

Whoever has wrote this in the forum is missing out some points. Knowing your ministers name is no good cause they are of no use. They are simply not interested. Regarding voting, well no candidate is worthy to stand in the elections. Your coice in vote is between a thief and a robber. Whom to vote? Well how the country is doing? Everybody keeps some information I guess. Please don’t be much worried about this. Just mind your own business. Reading newspapers? One good newspaper is sufficient I guess.

My sincere request to Naqvi: Enough is enough do something instead of giving gali to Indian citizens. Remember you are nothing without us. And we don’t want to see you begging in the streets with your blackmoney accounts freezed. I pity you Naqvi. Even you name stinks Naqvi. Keeps reminding me of a running nose.Naqvi murdabad!