I Bunked Office!

This Monday when the entire world went to office i bunked work. And why did i bunk? Was i feeling the usual Monday blues...well maybe but then thats not the exact reason. I think the main reason was that monotony...the pain of following a routine. The pain of been a cog in the wheel..the pain of doing something every day without really understanding what value you are adding everyday. I think most of the working class suffers from this. And if you think I am wrong...well congrats to you. You are God damm lucky...hope your luck continues.

So when the entire world worked i drove down to my grandpa and grandma's place. It was a complete surprise visit. No prior intimation. No hint. And this type of visit has a charm of its own. Seeing me they were so happy...and i felt really glad. At least i have made two very old people extremely happy that day. How many of us can?

After lunch i started taking a walk with my grandpa. We remembered all the good times we had. I had a close look at the mango tree which i used to climb in order to avoid study. The pond where i learnt to swim is almost non-existant. The empty place of land just behind our kitchen where me and my grandpa used to play cricket is now full of Brinjal trees. The bamboo trees have grown in numbers...how i feared those trees in my childhood. My grandpa used to tell me ghost stories and those bamboo trees were as important character in most of his stories. The best story was the story of the "Petni" (female ghost). He told that those bamboo trees used to have these female ghosts. These "petni" used to trick human beings by laying the bamboo trees straight on the ground. And once you cross them the trees would carry you straight to the top. And the "Petni" will have you. Now you can say thats bullshit. But for a six year old thats quite a hell of a story. And worst of all...i even sometimes fantasized getting laid by these female ghosts. How stupid of me!

I really didnt want to leave the place. But had to go back in the evening. One of the very few productive days of my life came to an end.

Spending time with Jerry Mcguire...one more time

The joy of enjoying a favourite movie at home when nobody is around is something, which few people can afford these days. I mean in big cities considering the high rental you pay for your flat,well it makes sense to have few people around to enjoy the roof over your head. Sounds stupid..isn't it?

Anyway i have this luxury. Too bad if you don't. And today i saw Jerry McGuire once more. This is a movie i love watching again and again. Why? Probably its because of that Black guy dancing and sayinf "Show me the money". Jokes apart...this movie always teaches me to keep your head high when evevrything is going against you. It inspires me to do those things once again, which i could never accomplish. And it teaches the importance of human relationship, friendship and loyalty in particular. But most importantly it makes you realize the value of passion.

Success consists of simply getting up one more time than you fall.

Amazing letter to Chidambaram! You must read it!

From: angrywal@hotmail.com
To: hm@nic.in
Subject: Re Interview on NDTV Response from a member of civil society
Date: Wed, 19 May 2010 13:50:54 +0000
Dear Shri Chidambaram,

This is in response to your repeated taunts on NDTV that the civil society must respond to the wanton killing by the Naxals. It appears that the interview was tailor made for getting the consent of the Cabinet for more firepower and airpower to combat the Maoist. The diabolic support of Arun Jaitly, be it by describing you an injured martyr, was designed to achieve his ambition through the support of the mining barons of the BJP ruled states.As a member of society I hope I am being civil in disagreeing with you on your hard line approach against the innocent tribal,. I also hope you will not find it too shocking for being accused of being largely responsible for the rise and growth of Naxalism, as the following happened on your watch as Finance minister.Is it not true that Naxalism grew exponentially in the last ten years to become the present menace ? In fact you have yourself identified the time frame of the last ten years in your interview with NDTV.Is it not true that the rise in popularity of Naxalism is also coincidental with the rise in iron ore mining profits which increased from around Rs50 per tonne to over Rs5000 per tonne in the last ten years?Is it not true that the map of Naxalism is also the map of the Indian Minerals. These minerals belong to the people of India but have been handed over to mining barons and corporate in a relationship of mutual benefit, more appropriately described as crony capitalism. It is for this reason that Arun Jaitly is your staunchest supporter because the fate of four state government ruled by BJP is dependent on the money from the mining mafia..Is it not true that during your watch as Finance Minister for four and half years, corporate raked in a profit of over two lac crores through legal and illegal mining, mostly in the iron ore sector? How was this profit shared?Is it not true that during your entire tenure as FM the royalty on iron ore was not revised and remained at a ridiculous Rs 7 to 27/ tonne ( depending on the type and grade of iron ore) with the average of around Rs 15 per tonne.. This royalty was neither made ad valorem nor was it revised from year 2000 onwards when the international price of iron ore rose to dizzy levels.Is it not true that the minerals are owned by the people of the State? Is a meager 0.5 % royalty on iron ore profits adequate compensation to the owner of the resources? Would you sell your one crore property for Rs 50,000?Did your fulfill the oath that you took as a Minister to abide by the Constitution, in particular Article 39 (b) and (c) of the constitution which directs the government to use natural resources owned by the people of the country are used to subserve the common good?Would the Naxal problem have been there if 25% of the mining profit was spent on the poor and the tribal living in the mining area and whose life was uprooted by the greedy corporate/mining mafia with active connivance of the law enforcers and policy makers ?What prevented the government from nationalizing the iron ore mine industry and handing it over to a PSU or NMDC whose shares of Re1/- was lapped at a premium of Rs300(30000% premium) and using the profit for benefit of the people?Are you aware that even a resource rich and affluent country like Australia with a low population base is imposing an additional 40% windfall tax on the mining profits? Can a poor country like India afford to forgo these windfall profits?Will you reveal as to how many times you have defended public interest through PIL and how many times you have defended corporate interest during your professional career as a lawyer? The question is relevant because of your empathy for the corporate sector is in apparent conflict with that towards the toiling masses.Is it wrong for the civil society to conclude that both as Home Minister and Finance Minister you have been protecting the corporate profiteers ( by first allowing them to loot the mineral wealth belonging to the people and now securing these mines for them) and not protecting the interest of the poor and tribal people who are victims of corporate greed and crony capitalism of the political parties? You in particular should have known better having been a Director of Vedanta Resources!In your appearance on NDTV you talked about the two prong approach and one of them having been weakened. It is the prong of development which has been weakened and is non existent. The royalty collected is not sufficient to pay for the various types of direct damages done by the mining industry ( health, environment, water, roads, rehabilitation etc) let alone the cost of security forces.Is it not true that the killing of innocent security forces and tribal is the direct result of the policy of securing the mineral wealth for the corporate profiteers and political parties who share the loot?It was shocking to know that you were more concerned about your CV falling short by a few months of completing five years as Finance Minister when you met your maker) refer the NDTV interview) than about the blood of the innocent that has been spilled on both sides as a consequence of corporate profiteering..It is not surprising that all the State government which get reelected on the money of the mining mafia are interested in using air cover to make mining safe and profitable ever after. You should know better the role of money in elections after having managed to squeak past the post while the DMK MPs romped home with handsome margin. Mr Raja retained his portfolio!.What is at stake is the credibility of the State : that it is using force to benefit the mining mafia and that it has a vested interest in the profiteering of the mining mafia which is prospering because of crony capitalism.To restore its credibility the Government should resume all the mines which in any case belong to the people and give a solemn pledge that a minimum of 25% of the mining profits will be used for the benefit of the local people. The solution is not only just but one mandated by the Constitution. It is only after restoring its credibility that the State will have the right to act. That one hopes, will not be necessary because honest development based on the resources belonging to the people is the best contraceptive against the Maoist ideology .( One is happy to note that according to newspaper report the Mining Minister has made a similar proposal and not surprisingly facing resistence)What happened Mr Chidambaram, you used to be a nice guy? You resigned over the Fairgrowth affair when you were not even guilty.Life is not about arguing a brief in Court for money. It is about arguing for what is right. You have wrongly accused us being “clever nor being devious “ ( refer interview with NDTV), because we are not capable of it. We cannot argue the way you do. Your arguments in Parliament over the oil for food programme while shielding Reliance from being referred to the Pathak Committee were indeed “brilliant.” Were you being clever or devious in your arguments? ( Refer the book Reliance the Real Natwar written by the undersigned for deciding the issue) Please do not use the civil society as an excuse for your omissions and commissions. We have no vested interest except that what belongs to the people should go to the people and that innocents, whether the security forces or the people forced to join the Maoist, should not die for corporate profits.. We are not powerful to tie the State governments with legal cases on police excesses. Those trying to uphold human right violations do so at considerable risk to their life and liberty and deserve our respect and not condemnation as misguided romantics.On a personal note Sir, Will you resign and argue my PIL before the High Court involving three lac crores of iron ore being gifted by the State to Posco and Arcelormittal ( as Palkhivala did to argue the Minerva Mill case) . It will be difficult to lose the case because law, facts and most important you will be on the same side.If you agree to do so, Sir, I am sure He will give you far more credit than He would for the extra six months that you missed out as Finance Minister!In case you are interested I will send you a copy of the petition.Looking forward to hearing from you. For far too long you have been shifting the blame on the civil society. We too need answers..
With warm regards
A K Agrawal

Source: http://mediavigil.blogspot.com/2010/05/civil-societys-response-to-chidambaram.html

The writer of this letter needs to be appreciated for speaking the truth. There are two sides to every story. Media is not neutral and we need to be cautious and get to the bottom of everything. The root cause of all the problems in India is the deep corruption in the political system, which runs totally by greed. But then what much can you expect when an Italian runs the country. No Indian has balls big enough to run this country! Thats why we get useless people, past their expiry date as Prime Ministers! Thats why we get Bhopal gas tragedy. Thats why all critical clauses are removed from the Nuclear Liability Bill. And persons like Quatrocchi are allowed to roam free with royal treatment. Long live India.

India Mamtacised!! Politicised!

During 1940s when India was brimming with the general enthusiasm of achieving “Purna Swaraj” lot of politicians and thinkers in the West called this a misplaced dream. A wish that should never get fulfilled else it will only ruin the country. Winston Churchill, Rudyard Kipling, to name a few were the greatest votaries against giving independence to India. Well the Indians didn’t like it that time. And neither do we like it now. But then honestly speaking the Indians are simply not capable enough to rule themselves. Please do not doubt my patriotism. But we were better under the British rule. If you do not believe me have a look at the facts. Whatever law, constitution, governance we have now is 100% British inspired. And it has run its life. Now we are left at our own. And the prophecies from the likes of Churchill are coming true. It’s more than 60 years we have got our independence but we are yet to get that unity which binds a country together.

The state of a country is known by its leaders. And when you have a mad selfish woman like Mamta Banerjee as one of ruling leaders, well you have it. She is not interested in the welfare of the train passengers who suffered in the Maoist tragedy few days back in Bengal. She is more interested to create divisions and blame her political opponents for trying to sabotage her. All our politicians are playing divide and rule. And the future is an easy interpretation. Punjab is more different than Bengal, so is Tamil Nadu and Haryana. So from where the unity is going to come? And the politicians instead of uniting our country are backing the divisive forces for own selfish interests. It is for these reasons that states like Jharkhand gets created in the first place and crooks like Madhu Koda rules. And for the very same reasons Maoists are rapidly growing their base. And people like Aparna Sen, Maheswata Devi, Arundhati Roy supports them. Everybody has their own motives. Nobody is clean. Sare jahan Achha Hindustan Humara. Par Kaise?

The Rotten Naveen Jindal

India is land of dirt, squalor and rotten politicians. The latest politician to join the rotten list is Mr Naveen Jindal. I kind of liked this fellow. He was at least young, a quality which our current MPs lack bitterly! He shot to fame with his celebrated court battle regarding the right to fly the national flag. And he won the case. He got support from the entire country on this. Everybody, proud of their country should have the right to fly the national flag. Period. But that’s past. He was new to politics then. Young blood made him do lot of things which got nothing but whole hearted appreciation. But look at him now. He has finally become a seasoned politician! He has penetrated the list of the mighty corrupted political fraternity! He has supported the Khap panchayats. Reason is to safe guard his MP post in Kuruksetra in Haryana. And the entire country till date got fooled that Mr Naveen Jindal had progressive mindset within his head! What a big joke? This guy is mentally retarded! His mind has nothing inside but greed for power. He is now in the extraordinary league of the Yadavs, the Mayawatis, the Thakreys and the Karunanidhis! He has finally started playing the dangerous game of Identity politics! This guy had everything. Money, education, family! But I guess politics gives much more than these three and thus to safeguard his political career he has taken side with the “Jats” and their oppression of the poor class. Shame on Naveen! There are better ways to earn money Naveen! You could have easily stayed away from this regressive Khap Panchayat setup! How much more money do you want to mint by selling this country Naveen? How much identity and caste based politics you have to practice to safe guard your parliament seat? You guys after all are fed by us, the tax payers. I sincerely pray to God that people like you should be picked up by Yamraj ASAP! But then I am sure you have bribed him and sent some poor Dalit to die on your behalf! The Jats can always beat the system. Isn’t it? Wish somebody from your family got killed in the name of Honour Killing. And then we could have watched you amusingly! And I am sure your boss, the old Sardar would have also jumped in joy! Unfortunately he cannot scold you because he also needs to keep his position safe. End of the day its all about satisfying madam to the fullest!

No More Bullshit Hero Worship for me! I admit my mistake!

Recently something extraordinary has happened in my life. I have lost my urge to watch cricket. I simply find it a complete waste of my time. This was not the case even few months back. But something has happened during the IPL 3 that has cured me from my cricket malady. May be the Tharoor Lalit affair! May be Sunanda’s clean shaven arm pits and operated nose! May the too much cricket been played …I guess it’s mainly the cricketing overdose that has killed my desire to watch. And honestly i do not even find Sachin Tendulkar’s batting that much captivating any more. The way he goes kaput in the critical days makes me think just one thing – end of the day it’s all about luck! I know my statement will make me a no 1 enemy to lot of people but that’s the fact. Cricket is a time waste for a nation where 70% of the population lives at Rs 12 per day! I guess we have better things to do than continue our futile hero worship. In my school days I used to watch too much sports – all kinds. Except Golf. I couldn’t understand it. My mother used to say “They are playing, are getting paid in millions. What are you getting? Instead of watching these stupid games if you study a little extra you will benefit” How right she was! But by the time I realized it was too late to recover. Too much time has already been spent.

We Indians are obsessed with two things : Cricket and Bollywood! I mean we invest so much of our time viewing cricket that dickheads in the BCCI are getting rich at our expense! And so with Bollywood! Else how can people like Emran Hasmi become so rich? Only if we all used our time more productively we could have easily beaten the hell out of Japan, the epitome of productivity! Our obsession with our filmy and cricketing heroes makes me remember an incident in Dilip Kumar’s life. This happened in the sixties. Dipil Kumar was a big star. e was travelling in a plane wH He was flying in a plane and JRD Tata was also traveling with him. JRD sat just next to him. Dilip recognized him! But he wanted JRD to strike a conversation. He is afterall a Star! JRD was too busy going through some papers. Dilip got anxious! Finally he could not control himself.

He told – “Hi! I am Dilip Kumar”
“JRD looked up and gave him a puzzled look. But he smiled and got back to his paper”
Dilip told again “I am Dilip Kumar, the Film star”
JRD told “Sorry I cannot recognize you gentleman. Neither do I watch Films”
I guess this incident throws light on lot of things!

But I will stop here. After all everyone has the right to live their own life! And in democracy you can chose heroes! And what stuff you want to watch! This is not thankfully China where you can lose your head if you do something which is not liked by your state! But at least i will try to do something different when the entire India will be busy worshiping Sachin and the SRKs. They are great but not true heroes for me! I need to find my true hero! At least my hero finding journey has begun. What about you?

The Failed Bomber!

There is lot of speculations going on in the media regarding the credibility of the guy as the “suspected” bomber in the failed New York car bomb attack. Firstly the attempt is too much amateurish. Secondly the guy who wanted to create mayhem decided to co-operate fully within a span of 24 hours with the security agencies! Thirdly the kind of life he was living – well it’s really tough to convince that kind of progressive modern character about the benefits of declaring Jihad! He was working as a Financial Analyst with a fat salary, came from an extremely well to do family. But I think these points can be ignored. The depth of human mind, the way it behaves – it is difficult to understand. So let’s not come to conclusion. Lastly lots of people are also saying that the guy seen in the CCTV footage has a big bald patch in his head. The suspect Faisal Shahzad who has been caught looks completely different! Well what I think is the CCTV footage released in the public domain is just meant to confuse! FBI guys are not kids that they will tell the whole world that this is the picture of the terrorist. If it was our CBI this kind of childish behavior was understandable. But not from the FBI. The aim of the footage is just try to give a false sense of security to the guy who actually did it. The CCTV footage shows the bald guy just taking off his shirt near the car and having a shoulder glance at the car. That’s it. Now why the hell the guy who knows that there is a bomb in the car come so close to the car and take off his shirt? Probably our Arnab Goswami and Barkha Dutt will hold unlimited discussion regarding this on their famous TV channels and the Indians will watch. They have so much time to waste! But to any sensible guy I don’t think this activity makes much sense! Something is seriously wrong. But one good thing has happened. The world has again been directed to the terrorist breeding ground called Pakistan! God knows how many more pointings will be required to hammer some sense into the head of USA. I guess lot of the US politicians receive huge kickbacks from Pakistan when it receives those all kinds of US financial aids. To me USA is just a hypocrite who is hell bent in fulfilling its narrow self interests.

I can only say one thing for sure. The US education is not good. I mean it’s not competent enough. The way the bomb was set up, the kind of trigger that was used and the way the car was bought…Mr Faisal got his education in the US. He simply couldn’t get the basics right!

And one more thing that continues to puzzle me! Why majority of the muslim community so much in love with Bombs? Is it something in their DNA?

Bloody unknown citizens!

India aspires to be a superpower (I consider that a pipedream). I can bet my life that this kind of dream will never ever get fulfilled till we have politicians like Mayawati, the Yadavs, the Pawars, the Patels, the Rajas. The list is endless. Includes the Gandhis too! Nobody is clean. And what is the point of having a clean Sardar whose cabiner has loads of dirty souls? Now if we look worldwide it’s really difficult to equate politics with cleanliness. Honestly in today’s age nobody expects the politicians to be much clean. When you got dangerous duties to perform results matter. But when these politicians start treating the country as their kingdom, as their personal property, that is the time to be worried. But we as a nation have remained in a worried state for the last twenty years. Frankly speaking all the rot in the political system started with the Mandal Commission and Mr VP Singh. And now we have politicians from every caste. Low caste, high caste – all have their own agendas! But the most important class, the middle class has not much of a option! It is the middle class who is suffering the most in the hands of the Indian politicians. Why? I guess it is because of our inherent culture. Look at me. I consider myself a typical middle class Indian. With a monthly salary I some how sustain myself in a metro, manage to do some savings, try to go out once a month here and there for a change, work dedicatedly in a not so dedicated job! And in spite of all the sadness and happiness (a rare commodity) I honestly pay my taxes. I am forced too. The poor have their BPL cards and are part of one or the other votebank. The rich bastards create the laws of the land so that we can be more screwed up. And what the hell do we the middle class do? We keep complaining. Like I am doing right now. I am a coward. We see Rang De Basanti and plan for a revolution! And more the alchohol, the better the revolution. But when it comes to act we chicken out! Such lousy rats we are.

Wish there was a way where all the salaried class of our country could come together and stop paying the taxes. A simple non-cooperation movement. I strongly feel who ever decides to open a political party and start fighting for the middle class of India, chances of that party forming a government would be pretty decent. Anybody listening? Can’t we all team up and do this. But then chances are that like me you also have been brought up by your parents with this view that politics is dirty, one should stay away from it. So like typical middle class we all wait for that messiah who unfortunately will never come. Our fate lies in our hands. But we think otherwise. Inch by Inch we keep giving away our life to the government. Bit by Bit we suffer and when all the bits get added up, it’s time to meet death. We suffer as a class. And we all die as individuals. Without a lament. Without a dirge. For the government it’s just a PAN card that got expired. We are just numbers. Bloody unknown citizens! For whom nobody cares!

Inch by Inch

This is one of my most favorite speeches! Just keep adding up all the inches!

You need somebody to lean on.

To be successful you need somebody to lean on. This is undoubtedly true and majority of us, who might have tasted success at any given point, will probably agree to the importance of having someone near and dear on whom you can fall back. I remember in my college Part I exam I topped the university. But despite studying harder, I could not do well in my Part II exam. Luck? Destiny? More hard work was required? Whatever is the case I had a terrific support system in my grandfather. I didn’t feel low. At the end of the day it was just a matter of inches. Probably I was just an inch short.

But now times are changing. Families are getting smaller and smaller. Moms and Dads are getting busier and busier. School fees are getting fatter and fatter without much improvement in quality. Earlier we had our grandpa and grandma staying with us. Today it’s just mom, dad and the kid. Earlier we had friends with us. Today spending time with friends is such a waste of time. It’s a rat race out there and young fellows are getting trained to beat the competition. And in the process I feel they are losing the very people on whom they can lean. In my school days we had some great teachers. Now this is fifteen years back. The world was different that time. Today quality teachers are a rare commodity. Everything is just business. End of the day relations are getting interlinked with the kind of money you are willing to spend.

Despite all the cruel changes taking place in the world, one thing has remained constant. It is the world of books. I was lucky to have been introduced to the world of literature by my grandfather. And I took mighty solace in the world of books. I travelled in deserts, oceans, space. I visited continents. I fought wars! I died multiple times. I experienced pain and happiness through the pages. And I also got inspired. But today literature and humanities in general as a subject has lost its glory. That’s a pity. Younger generation is not getting introduced much to literature. Majority parents think it to be such a waste of time. But they are wrong! Books are the best persons to lean on. And in today’s competitive world a child will be forced to face failures more than success. And you need something to lean on especially during the times you fail. And books are a wonderful support. Only if our kids realized this!

I hate Shilpa Shetty.

I hate Shilpa Shetty. I hold her responsible for many wasted hours inside the bathroom doing things I shouldn’t be doing during my school days. I hold her responsible for all those wet dreams. For all those hard moments. For all those desires which was of no use. Wish I had listened to our Maths teacher in school. He used to warn us, the boys, that life will give you two choices. Pleasure by hand or pleasure by mind. The more you learn maths, the more your mind will enjoy, which will give you the ultimate satisfaction in your life. Bullshit! Majority of us choose pleasure by hand. I used to buy hot post cards and store them secretly. And as the night descended I used to take out those hot stuff and indulge in nocturnal pleasures. And pictures of Shilpa Shetty with her flat stomach and enticing belly button – it was too hard to control. It just became an un ending flow.

Today when I look back at those days I feel sorry for all those wasted hours! All those wasted energy! Only if I could recover all those lost moments! Inch by Inch, Bit by Bit! I copuld have reclaimed by life back, set things up in order. But that’s life! As you grow old things get taken away from you and you only realize when you have lost it. Wish I had listened to my Maths teacher and indulged in the intellectual pleasures. But then who is responsible for this? I hold Shilpa Shetty responsible. God knows how many young souls she has corrupted. I am not her only victim. Probably you are also. Just think of your youner days! Maybe some other actress. Or some actor?

Thanks to Lalit Modi I am enjoying Rajasthan Royal’s corrupted deal in the IPL and the consequent income tax raids. And the predicament of Shilpa Shetty and his husband Raj Kundra! Till yesterday the whole world knew Shilpa Shetty to be one of the owners of Rajasthan Royals. But today with increased pressure she has twitted that she is just a brand ambassador of Rajasthan Royals. She has no shares. Her husband has. But unfortunately her husband’s name is not in the share holder list. What the hell Shilpa? I am keeping a close eye on you from my very young days! And the way you have exposed to move up the value chain, well this kind of lie was only expected. Instead of trying to bait rich fellows with your body, try to do something meaningful in your life.

Peeping inside! Thank you dear Frog.

Few days back I read in Indian Express that some kind of a law might get formulated which will ban dissecting animals in laboratories in the name of education. By animals I mean the lesser mortals…sorry lesser animals like the frogs, rats, rabbits etc. And sometimes cats and dogs too. The bigger the merrier! But the maximum damage happens to the frog community. Lot of people blames the frogs for their appalling condition. They say they deserve to die. They have such “down” attitude towards life! They never can think big and so never make it big. Their destiny is to pass away at the table. Well the case has some merit. This community has never ever stood up for its rights! They are chained to the bottom of the well. As Mao se Tung told “We think too small, like the frog at the bottom of the well. He thinks the sky is only as big as the top of the well. If he surfaced, he would have an entirely different view.” And its no wonder they do not find sympathy from the likes of Maneka Gandhi! She was too busy courting the Lions and the Langoors! Why not! They have such raw sex appeal. They have the charisma. They have the power. What does frogs have? Nothing! But then my dear friends If you can discover the meaning in the frog’s trilling, then we might just understand that it is not just noise but a song of poetry and emotion. But then we all are not poets to understand a frog’s croaking!!

I am no fan of frog. They look disgusting. I still remember those school days when we were asked to get frogs for our biology class. It was such a bullshit affair!! Every time I tried to catch a frog it pissed on my hands! And their urine is bloody poisonous. It makes your hand itch. For my class XI biology practical I caught a big frog. The rainy season made my task easier. It was healthy, greenish brown in colour, shining black eyes and a throat…Adnan Sami like! The old Adnan! From the time he has lost weight…well he looks kindda “na idhar ka na udhar ka”. I put this frog inside a plastic pouch, sealed it, made two holes for it to breath. Next day I took it to class. And then the idea struck! Honestly I was trying to “line maro” a girl in my class. But despite my best attempts she was least interested. I kindda looked so stupid in front of her. She was beautiful, with some mind blowing assets. Whenever I went to the bathroom her image accompanied me and during my entire masturbating session, she took the charge! Roleplay, dreamplay, foreplay, handplay, toungeplay…Sensational! And I desperately wanted to impress her! I got a long string and tied that to the frog’s right leg, or limb to be correct. And then I took it out. I bent down toward it and told it
“Listen dude! You simply gotta follow me! Behave yourself! Just follow me! Else your life is finished at the lab table! If you listen you go free and also get some dead mosquitoes in return. Deal?”

He croaked mutedly.

I guessed it understood the threat! I walked in the corridor and the frog followed. Soon a small crowd gathered. This crazy guy has a frog as its pet. Even I could not believe my eyes! This frog was jumping behind me as if it’s my dog. It was so obedient. And soon she was there face to face! The frog behind me! I stopped. Looking at her made me forget everything. The iron ores flying in the wind which some times made our eyes burn, now it seemed so beautiful..fragrant! That dhoti kurta clad Dolai Sir whom I wouldn’t mind murdering under normal circumstances…now he seemed a harmless lovable creature. Such is her magic! She makes the devil look like an angel! She is everything to me! Oh love lets us be close to one another, whats the point in been separated when we are born to be soulmates forever. . I walked towards her with a big smile. And then the frog showed its true colour. The devil. It jumped. The jump of his life. She was wearing a blue frock. And it jumped strategically inside the skirt!! Believe me. I was stupefied. And the ruckus she created! She jumped and lifted her skirt up shouting. And the entire crowd saw her purple panty! And Dolai sir, the devil incarnate took me to the headmaster room. And I was thrashed like anything.

I donot where is she now! I donot know where that frog went. But I am indebted to the frog! He made see experience the thing which I could'nt have done myself!

Rent a Monkey!!

I generally spend at least twenty minutes every day for deleting spam mails. I really donot know how my office email id becomes public so often but I am fed up of these junk. It’s a complete time waste. And most of the times even if you unsubscribe from the company’s mailing list, these mail still land up after a while though some other 3rd party source. Like the airlines code sharing funda, I guess these email marketing agents have their own sharing arrangement. An arrangement, which is difficult to bypass. Companies know every thing about me. What I want to wear, what type of books I love, my favourite perfumes etc etc. Probably soon they will know my bedroom activities and send me targeted mail! How do they all know this? All I know is I am been tracked. Everybody is been tracked. Love Sex Dhoka syndrome!

But recently my opinion have changed about these spam mails. I no longer find them offensive. Yes deleting them is time consuming but at least I no longer look upon them with venom in my eyes. The reason is an interesting mail http://www.wannamo.com/. Now i have no idea how my email id got registered at this site. Probably I gave away the id through some survey or some third party registration. My work requires me to download lot of reports from this and that website and most of the time I have to give my office email id for verification as I cannot access other mails at office. Anyway the mail was one of a kind. Highly interesting! It told me that I can rent a monkey for day for just Rs 90 instead of the regular price of Rs 1000! Rent a monkey! Why the hell would I want to rent a monkey boss? Would you want to rent a monkey? Let me paste the content of the mail.

“India has always been a place where monkeys were always revered as the brethren of Lord Hanuman, although there have been times when these revered animals have created much havoc and chaos. But what do you know - today you have your own monkey to do some monkey business. So no more you keep staring at the peddler who strolls his own monkey in the streets and you just gaze with amazement with his awesome power to keep the animal under check. Now you have your own monkey with whom you can do limitless things. Right now, we don't have to even give you any clue since we are sure you might be having your own idea about what to do with the monkey for the whole day. Just for Rs 90”

This is the height of entrepreneurship! This is the way we will take on the Chinese. If China can manufacture anything under the sun at dirt cheap prices then we have monkeys to give away on hire at dirt cheap prices. For every Chinese import we will export a monkey! Tit for Tat! For every job taken away from the Indian soil we will send a monkey! For every political battle won we will celebrate with a monkey! And we will not rest till all the monkeys have been exported. And what ever remains I am sure the Gandhi family will rent them up! Pranab babu cheer up! No need to finger the middle class with further taxes! All you need to do is keep collecting the monkeys!

LIC as the next UTI?

I was never a fan of Life Insurance Corporation of India. I has two LIC money back policy (Bima Gold), which I have closed recently. The endowment policy is still running but I am slowly building up the courage to close that policy and take whatever surrender value has accrued. Yes, it will be a big loss but it’s better to get robbed one time than getting robed yearly for the next 25 years. Sounds stupid? Well then it’s going to be a long discussion. But in short if you calculate the bonus rate of LIC policies, the return comes at a alarming rate of 4-6% per annum. Well at least I have figured out better ways to park my hard earned money. Besides Insurance should be taken as a standalone basis and not as a mode of investment (99% of Indians mix insurance with investment). But let LIC continue with its policies and their periodic fleecing – I am not much interested. If you are a LIC fan God bless you. But what concerns me are some reports in newspapers of late comparing LIC as the next UTI. And i agree with the points. For the uninitiated in 1993 UTI mutual fund failed and the government had to pitch in to protect the investors. The government had no binding to bail the investors out but still it did that in some larger self interest. One of the reason was UTI money was always used by the government for projects for which getting money was extremely difficult. So the taxpayers’ money was used to bail this stupid UTI. And in the process the government also shielded the big honchos inside UTI who led to its fall. Now LIC is also following the same route. Recently the IPOs of public sector companies were not much subscribed by institutional investors. But LIC mopped up all the shares. If the IPO valuation was attractive why did the institutional investors and other private parties not show any interest? Something must be wrong. So you can easily sense that in this case LIC money is been used to bail out the IPOs, which is like bailing out the government itself. LIC insurance money is invested in various places for which not much accountability or transparency is there. And this trend has a long history. Besides like UTI, LIC also pitches its product with a hidden assurance of government gurrantee. So I feel we should not be surprised if something like UTI happens to LIC as well. Every king goes to grave someday. And LIC is no exception.

JagoInvestor...Jago!

India is a savings oriented country. We are masters in hoarding cash. But when it comes to investing money, we lag far behind. As a nation, we are totally ignorant of the simple concept called Time Value of Money. My better half feels more comfortable parking all her money in savings a/c then opening a Fixed deposit. A bird in hand is worth two in Bush. Come March she is furious – forceful savings of one lakh for tax savings. And I am sure she is not alone. We have millions like her. Even few years back I was also in the same boat. But thanks to some terrific friends (Specially my morning notes colleague in Copal Partners) and some heavy dose of business channels and Outlook Money – I can now figure out how a LIC endowment policy fools the gullible Indians. I would like to take this opportunity to thank a young guy called Manish Chauhan. I landed up on his blog http://www.jagoinvestor.com/ when I was doing a search on the benefits of a pure term insurance policy over a ULIP. And I was simply spellbound seeing his massive intelligent writings on financial planning. He has taken up the crusade of educating the Indians regarding the importance of financial planning and basic investment knowledge. Kudos to Manish! I am sure God will reward you for this amazing work. Keep it going. You have me as your permanent fan buddy!

I would like to share a small incident that happened at HDFC bank last week. I went there to complete my wife’s one lakh investment for tax savings. Yes I should have completed this at the very beginning of the financial year itself..but a lazy bum I am! Anyway I had already decided what to do! 60% in debt and 40% in equity. Didn’t want to go for NSC as I was not sure where I will be after 6 years and transferring money from one post office to another is a big pain. So I went to the bank and told to put Rs 40000 in HDFC Tax saver mutual fund and the rest in the 5 year tax saving fixed deposit. An extremely smart guy was sitting opposite me. He politely told me “Sir I think you should think over the investments. We have some terrific plans which will give more returns than mutual fund. Plus there is huge market risk in Mutual Fund while in our special plan you get 10% assured”.

I understood that this guy was pitching something which was fully loaded in his favor and not mine. I wanted a little more clarity. I asked him to explain. He then told that the money will be parked for 5 years and it will be invested in high quality debt instruments. And it will give 10% assured and can go higher.

“Can I see the details? Some brochure?” I asked.

“We do not have the brochure sir. Just the application form is with us. This is a special plan and huge investments have come in this product. This will be better for you instead of Mutual Fund”. He was excited. Probably he was imagining his commission!

“You are saying 10% assured. You are investing in the debt market. Period. From where comes the 10% fixed return guarantee?” I asked.

“Sir the previous returns have been extremely good. So minimum 10% you will get. Besides this product invests only in debt market so no equity exposure for you sir. No risk!” He was pitching hard.

“Previous returns mean future is not secure. And the mutual fund I am talking about has given a return of around 18% since inception in 1993. So don’t you think it will be better if I park my money here? Both the products has risk. And I want to take the risk friend”.

“Sir you will also get bonus in this plan. And there are no charges. In mutual fund there are fund management charges which will pull down your IRR. IRR you understand sir? Internal rate of Return. (he was giving fundas now to impress me). This will go down. I can show you an investor’s bonus statement”

He showed me a paper from April 2009. And this was March 2010. Anyway I had a close look. It mentioned a death benefit of Rs 8 lakh. I was furious.
“What is this death benefit?”
“Sir this policy pays you money on death”
“And what about the mortality charges then? I am sure you cannot offer insurance without this charge.”
He was silent. Another guy from the bank who was observing our conversation told “Rs 150 per year sir. Including everything”

I tried to cool myself. These guys were trying to sell me some ULIP. I imagined my travel writer friend. What would have he done with this kind of a high octane marketing onslaught? These devils could have easily fox him…he is so gullible when investment and money is concerned. But he is a writer…they are never good with money!

Anyway I told the guy politely to put the money in Mutual Fund. And he did it. But he was unhappy. Huge commission, which he could have earned by simply making me sign over the dotted lines…he just missed it. Most of the times people like him are successful because we are not aware about money. In search of assured returns we make mistakes. We Indians are fixated with the world “Guarantee”! And LIC exploits us using this fixation. And we take words at face value. Unless we stand up and question…it’s going to be a one sided game where we will always be the losers. And this is where a site like http://www.jagoinvestor.com/ comes in. I love the way Manish has put his heart in to this. So let us all unite. Let’s make a promise to our self: we will never ever take any financial product without understanding in detail what it is all about. Remember that the best financial products for simple investors like us are the ones that are least complex. So next time when someone pushes you to take a ULIP: compare it against a pure term policy coupled with a good mutual fund. Then calculate the returns. If you have questions seek out the answers. It’s all available free at http://www.jagoinvestor.com/

Nursery admission tougher than Harvard!

Yesterday I read a column by Kate Darnton in Hindustan Times regarding the plight of parents for getting their kids admitted in a good nursery school..and I must admit the facts were painful and was an eye opener. Chances of getting inside a reputed nursery school in Delhi is real tough…getting admitted in Harvard is easier. The author gave a good example. She says “Last year, the Hindustan Times ranked Shri Ram the number one school in South Delhi. Over the past few weeks, the school’s website has listed 1,575 three-year-old candidates competing for 112 spots, including 40 spots reserved for the EWS (‘Economically Weaker Section’), staff, and management. With only 72 remaining seats, that leaves each regular candidate a 4.7 per cent chance of getting in. Last year’s acceptance rate at Harvard College was 7.1 per cent.”
So you can imagine the situation. Things are much worse in Mumbai. All parents in the Metros have to go through this ordeal. The competition is tough everywhere. Be it the posh school or the neighborhood government sponsored school…there is an extreme supply demand mismatch. Too many kids are chasing too few seats.

I think only one thing can ease the situation a bit. It is the rapid development of tier II cities. My home town Haldia has quite a few good inexpensive schools. Yes, they might not be so good and stylish like the ones in Delhi but they give the education that is required. And whatever the shortfall…it can be managed by other means. Like I was never introduced to Horse Riding, Fine Dining, or Squash skills in my school. The Delhi kids in posh schools have these skills. But every morning I used to go for a walk to the river side with my Grandpa. Morning walk was our routine. And breathing the fresh air, listening to the birds, watching the sparkling water…these are also valuable. But then today’s double income corporate couples have no time for their kids…and besides where is a river in Delhi? And birds? So the kids have to manage with the expensive things like Horse riding and fine dining skills. Probably the school knows that these kids once big will leave for bigger cities…so they should be prepared. And that city will also have no river.

Hats off to Modi!

Thank God! The Pakistani players are not coming to this country. And hats off to Modi. And to everyone who conspired to keep those Paki buggers out. We will have the IPL 3 free from the stinking smell of that blood stained rotten country “Pakistan”. Despite the best efforts from the spine less Congress government at the center and the team of Pakistan loyalists in India, Modi has kept those buggers away. Was it a deliberate snub to the government? No idea. But then sections from the congress had done their best to keep Modi away from Rajasthan Cricket. So maybe this was the return gift. Whatever is the issue I am happy with Modi and all the IPL franchise’s behavior. Times of India and their Pakistani friend are trying to promote Pakistani love in our country. But the reality is that we Indians will never be able to live with Pakistan. It is a fact. Pakistan is the only country in this world who has mastered the art of threatening suicide and getting money in return for not committing the same. It always points a gun at its head and gives the nuclear and terrorism threat. And the idiots in the US and UK buys all that crap. Special thanks to India’s cowardly attitude towards Pakistan mixed with diplomacy…we have lost out to Pakistan in every aspect of the game. What use is GDP growth when people cannot live a fear less life? What use is the growth when Pakistani terrorism looms large everywhere in this country? Enough of Gandhi shit. Our country has forgotten Netaji Subhas Chandra bose. And one of the reasons Nathuram Godse killed Gandhi was because Gandhi undermined the efforts of people like Rana Pratap, Subhas and Shivaji. And we are the land of Gandhi crap. So we can never fight back. Pakistan knows this.

Majority of Indians is happy to see those buggers out. Apart from SRK, Aamir and our Italian Queen. And see what one of the Pakistani bugger called Sahid Afridi has done. He tried to chew away the ball to get more reverse swing. Such a cheat. Such an idiot. How could he think that despite all the TV cameras he can get away with that? Allah is not at all kind to him. But Allah has saved the Indians from the ignominy of watching these bastards playing on the Indian soil taking home loads of Indian money. Allah ho Akbar.

Poverty Porn - Indian babus are angry!!

Indian authorities are too obsessed with projecting India the beautiful way. But one thing they forget is, it is extremely difficult to keep the truth buried in this globalized ‘wired’ world. This is the age of tweets. So good news or bad news…news will come out unless you try to brutally bury it. It is a fact that no Indians like to see their country projected as a land of ‘poor hungry Indians’. Slumdog Millionaire has done enough damage. But then it did some good also. The Dharavi slum of Mumbai benefited a lot from that kind of negative publicity. They got donations and help etc which never came from Mumbai municipality. And the slum kids who acted got rich over night. Off late the Indian authorities have accused Kevin McCloud, the television presenter, of damaging Indian tourism industry by making "poverty porn". Kevin is a UK television guy and host of the series called ‘Grand Designs’. Recently he got filming permit from Indian authorities in London to shoot in Mumbai. The Indians giving him the permit were under the impression that Kevin is going to shoot the architectural beauties of the city of Mumbai. Instead Kevin has shot Dharavi slum with all its dirt, squalor and stench under the title of ‘Slumming It’. “We thought it would be about the architecture of Mumbai but it was only about slums, nothing else. He was showing dirty sewage and dead rats, children playing amongst rubbish and people living in these small rooms. He never talked about architecture at all.” told an official from the Indian High Commision in UK. They are planning to lodge a complaint with Ofcom, the UK media watchdog, about the content of McCloud's Channel 4 series, ‘Slumming It’.

The West knows India as the land of Taj Mahal, spicy curries, snake charmers, Yoga, and its iconic poverty. Despite India’s furious GDP growth the impression hasn’t changed much. In the US, impressions about have changed a lot about India but in UK the situations remains dismal. Whose fault is it? I will accuse the Indian Authorities for this. Incompetent bunch of bureaucrats are manning the travel and tourism ministry. And the minister is least interested in the job. It is their responsibility to project India, market India, and sell it to the global tourists. You just cannot shout and hit people coming to this country and shooting the dirt and squalor. Why do you have it in the first place even after 60 years of glorious freedom? The way the divide between rich and the poor is growing in India, I guess only more and more people will be coming down from UK to check out the declining poverty levels. And you cannot ban them. You simply do not have the firepower to take them on.

Recently I liked a TV commercial from Olympus. It holds a lesson for the idiots in the tourism ministry. A foreigner comes and clicks a photo of a typical poor Indian panwalah with his expensive camera. The panwalah in turn takes out his small cheaply priced Olympus camera and clicks the picture of the foreigner. Tit for tat? And I can sense the panwalah shouting ‘teri to’ to the foreigner. Babus at the Indian embassy at London and the tourism ministry…do you get the message? If somebody deliberately wants to pull you down you need to respond in an intelligent way.

But then when out of every three Indian politicians one has a criminal record…you cannot expect much from these ‘inglorious bastards’. Can you?

Why there are so many TV Channels floating in the air?

I really don’t understand why there are so many TV Channels floating in the air….some free some paid…some unpaid. All of them have the sole intention to entertain, to inform, and sometimes hijack the viewer’s mind. Initially it was just the Doordarshan. Now you throw me five six letters at random and I will construct a TV channel name from those letters. The more channels you have the better your social standing. The Tata Sky DTH package that I have taken gives me around 200 channels. My Travel writer friend’s Airtel DTH gives around 250 Channels. And these days even the local cable walah gives no less than 120 channels. We have movie channels, entertainment channels (the ones where serials comes), news channels, sports, regional, lifestyle, bhakti, learning, cartoon…and many more.
Few years back when our government introduced the Set top box concept in the metros, we the customers were delighted. Finally we can get rid of the unwanted channels and get just what we want. But this thing has remained a pipe dream. We always get channels in package. It’s like level 1 has 100, level 2 has 150 and so on. Level 1 might not have the channels which you want to see. So you are forced to take the level 2 or level 3 one. And you end up paying for all those extra channels which you never watch. Lovely country Indeed- Our India.

As far as I am concerned I am only interested in the news channels. I have divided the channels in two categories. News Channels (Times Now, NDTV, CNBC TV18, BBC) and Entertainment News Channels (India TV and Headlines today). There are other news channels but these channels give me everything. I get my daily dose of news, drama, sex, adventure, murder, mystery….virtually everything from them. Let me elaborate. Today I was watching a debate on Times Now regarding the recent IPCC goof up related to the Glacier melting date of 2035..RK Pachauri was having a tough time explaining his position. After some time I got fed up. Enough of climate…first let those idiots decide if the planet is getting heated up or it’s getting colder. I moved to NDTV where people were blasting that monster looking guy Sharad Pawar. After sometime I got so bored of this news and decided to entertain myself. Moved on to India TV. Some Honour killing news was going on…how the girl’s clothes were torn…how she got kicked…every detail was there for viewer satisfaction. Not my taste. Moved to Headlines Today. There was news going on regarding the growing number of foreign prostitutes from CIC countries…especially from Uzbekistan and Russia. All details were given…and they were showing sexy images of various prostitutes captured by spy cameras…obviously the faces were blurred. The picture of their legs, booties were shown as if the channel was telecasting some live show related to “Kohinoor” diamond.

These two channels also telecast various shows from all the reality shows and popular shows. I sometimes seriously wonder why these two channels have been clubbed under news channel category. They should be under entertainment channels.

And regarding all those extra channels which I pay for but do not get time or energy to watch…wish there was a system where DTH rewarded those subscribers who watched the least number of channels despite paying for the maximum amount of channels. I would have surely own some prize.

Hope my plight will be addressed by our honorable government soon and I will finally pay for only those channels which I watch.

Ok I will stop this now. Actually i was on a mission and i think i am successful because after reading this my travel writer friend told that I have written "the perfect shit-storm of crapness". But then writing crap is also an art. Haha. Thanks for reading this crap.

Netaji - Our forgotten Hero!

All is not well in the state of Bengal. The commies forgot to garland Netaji on his birthday. So intense is the grief over Jyoti babu’s unfortunate demise..that they are forgetting their bread and butter activities. I guess Forward Block is no longer with the commies these days! Otherwise the streets of Kolkata might have turned once again into “Cholbe na cholche na…jalaiye dao puriye dao”. And before Didi could realize the wonderful political opportunity, the homage was paid on 24th January. And guess what! All the sarkari karmacharis were told to report on Sunday for the respective homages..bad luck for all those guys whose office had statues of Netaji. Work on Sunday!!

Why are we slowly forgetting Netaji? Leave aside the commies. They have lost their father so error is expected. But what about our central government? Why can’t they be a little more generous in celebrating this day? For the Girl child week Government of India’s child welfare department came up with huge advertisements in Times of India. And they mistakenly put Pakistan’s former army chief’s photo over there. But why can’t even half a page devoted to this national hero from the Central Government Side? Is it just because he was no longer in the good books of Gandhiji? Or he is no longer a source of vote bank? This is what happens when you have an Italian with her army of sychophants manning our country…well no offense but it hurts. Netaji started the fight. No not the Gandhi type fight where if your enemy slaps you allow him to slap you again and again till your enemy is tired! Unfortunately Netaji didn’t buy this crap and gave the first battle cry. Yes he couldn’t succeed but he showed the way long back. You hit me and I will hit the hell out of you. He didn’t want our country to be a soft nation…just look at Kasab and you will understand how soft our country is! Everytime the Pakis slap us, bomb us, pinch us, kick us…we do what Gandhibaba told us to do.

History will not forgive us for forgetting Netaji. Forget the congress politicians. Like the commies they can be excused. Afterall they are busy 24/7 licking the butts of the central high command…as Ramachandra Guha told in his recent Outlook story ‘its darbari democracy’. So these leaders are extremely busy attending to the King, Queen and the prince in waiting. Who cares for Netaji? Where is the bloody time? Even though he admires Netaji, Dr Manmohan Singh has not spoken out why his Government rejected Mukherjee Commission report. Some sabotage? The answers to the following questions still remain unanswered:

a) Whether Netaji Subhas Chandra Bose is dead or alive;
(b) If he is dead, whether he died in the plane crash, as alleged;
(c) Whether the ashes in the Japanese temple are ashes of Netaji;
(d) Whether he has died in any other manner at any other place and, if so, when and how;
(e) If he is alive, in respect of his whereabouts.

But then what about us. You and I type public. Do we remember our hero? Well we don’t. I will be honest. It was only in the evening of 23rd Jan I realized that it is Netaji’s birthday. And I went quietly to the Balcony and gave a salute to the sky…probably he is up there somewhere watching us. But how many of us did that? And did that in public?

India is getting hijacked by the rich and the mighty. Big corporate houses bring out memorials in newspapers during Gandhi birthday. Netaji’s birthday do not get much priority…few Bengal based companies probably give advertisements in the regional dailies. That’s it. “Give me blood I will give you freedom”. Netaji told. The corporates and our politicians say “Give us profits. Gives us votes. We will remember you.” Netaji has none to offer. Gandhi has.

I know what I have written holds no value. It’s just an emotional ignorant coward Indian doing faltu bakwas. But then imagine if the entire emotional ignorant coward Indians starts doing bakwas simultaneously? I guess that will sound the bugle of change.

Mee Marathi mulgi nahi ho!

I guess the time has come when I will be finally heading home…permanently. Five years back I left Bengal as I was not able to get a job there. Low paying jobs were abound but was not enough to sustain my hunger. High paying jobs were there but those were for the highly intelligent and the extremely connected ones. I had none. So I had to move to Delhi. But now I have a ray of hope. And you know the reason? “Marathi Manoos” funda. Ashok Chavan, the chief minister of Maharastra has issued a directive that only those people who have lived in Maharastra for 15 years and know how to read and write Marathi will get Taxi permit. So basically only the Marathis will be eligible and all the migrants from UP and Bihar mostly have to look for other options. He has simply hijacked the agenda of Shiv Sena and MNS. So initially it was just that Spineless Bal and Raj Thakrey…and now you have the NCP and Congress campaigning for Marathi Manoos votebank. Soon the entire Mumbai will be only for Marathis. And there lies my hope. The other states will hit back. Indian politicians are masters in playing regional and divisive politics. They wont take this lying down. Lalu is already thirsty for Chavan’s blood. So Mr Chavan do not worry. Soon all the states will issue rules in similar lines. Gujrat for Gujratis, Bengal for Bengalis…and so on. And soon IT companies will be forced to hire only regional candidates. And yeppi!!…………I will be swiftly placed at my home. Come on Chavan. Give us more. Tell that Bollywood can only function if Marathi movies are made. Kick Sharukh Khan away. He is not a Marathi. And Big B. And there are loads of others. Come on Raj Thakrey. Get some fake spine, stand up and deliver…the time has come. Chavan has sounded the Bugle…time to get down in the streets and fight for Marathi manoos pride. Show your manhood Raj. You know your otherside…time to show the hidden side provided you have some. Laloo, Modiji, Mamtadidi….get ready…the time for India has come! Let us all unite. And let’s all go back to where we belong! Ah my hometown river….I will be soon cruising on your banks…just like I did in my school and college days. Just wait for some more time. And you know my dear river I now have a car…no more cycle…we will have the ultimate fun. I can also afford some costly wine..we will have it together. Just wait. I am just waiting for the announcement that Bengal is for Bengalis. Till that happens to all those who calls our politicians dirty, bastard, characterless, swine, and what not..pls hold on for a while. Let them do their job..its a big task. Let Deve Gowda take this dirty job up…he is doing well by calling Mr Yeddyurappa ‘Bloody Bastard’. So let him waste his energies calling names while we save our energies. We will need that when we have to pack our bags and return home.

Home is where the heart lies. Jai Ho!

I am afraid. I don’t want to die inside the bathroom.

Today an embarrassing thing happened while I was relieving myself in the office bathroom. I had a completely unexpected neck sprain. And what was my fault? I guess I quickly looked down…I generally look straight or sideways provided no one is at the next pee station. This time all the pee stations were occupied so I was looking straight at the wall in front of me. I was done and looked down to zip up..and the neck sprain struck from nowhere. For few seconds it was complete blackout. I somehow pushed my head up and rotated it sideways…and it got stuck again. It was paining like anything. The guy who was also reliving himself looked at me oddly. I guess he took me as a ‘gay’ ogling him in his private moment. Sensing that I told him that I have got a “keech” in my neck and tried to smile. He laughed. Others joined from the respective pee stations. It was so embarrassing and irritating. I somehow washed my hands and came out. I sat on the lounge sofa and massaged my neck vigorously. I moved it sideways then up then down. Repeat. After few minutes the pain lessened. But once I got up and walked towards my seat it came back again. Generally this type of thing happens while we sleep…like you wake up and find the sprain in your neck. But hardly one encounters this type of stupid thing in the bathroom. I think somebody is doing voodoo on me.

But the most worrisome thing is the comment from my wife. I told her that I had got a sprain while I was relieving myself. She got extremely serious and told this is the initial stage of a heart attack. What? I shouted. She told that people generally have heart attacks inside the bathroom. And having a sprain in the neck is an ominous thing for grimmer things to come. I should take my health more seriously and do routine workout to reduce the extra layers of fat. Otherwise next time I might get a heart attack during relieving inside the wash room. I vigorously contested her stupid point of view by saying that nobody in their late twenties get heart attack. She told times are changing. If SAP CEO can die in his late forties despite been so fitness freak…well I simply stand no chance. I got to be careful.

Yes! It’s pure voodoo. Somebody is trying to screw me up. I am afraid. I don’t want to die inside the bathroom.

Jyoti Babu is no more. An era comes to an End.

Jyoti Basu is gone! Forever! The last stalwart of communism has vanished. The person who was so much for the party, of the party and by the party. So how will history remember him? Most of us who are below thirty, the young brigade will pinpoint the downfall of Bengal on him. Why? Because when we entered the job market there were very few jobs in Bengal. Most of us have to move out of Bengal for sustenance and better opportunities. But at the same time ask anybody above 55 working in a state government, central government or other big private factories (specially the senior guys)…majority will say he was a hero, a real leader. Why this dichotomy? In his time the power of trade union flourished…the bandh culture threatened management big time. So people who are on the verge of retirement will pay their ‘Lal Salam’ to him. Virtually no work…and getting paid for that. Who doesn’t love it? So majority of people who have worked their prime during his 23 years of rule in Bengal have enjoyed the Trade Unionism, the frequent holidays due to Bandhs, the power of strike, chakka jam, rail roko and what not. With due respect to all the elders, I want to say that Basu has done nothing for the people of Bengal. The lucky people who had jobs in government and other areas during his time will have a different story but the struggling middle class left Bengal completely during his tenure- I am one of them.

Basu and his party categorically killed Education in Bengal by banning English from primary schools. Thanks to my parents- I was lucky to be studying in a convent…but everybody didn’t have the same opportunity! Why did he do it? Basu came from an Aristrocatic family, was educated in London, sent his son to London for Education…he very well knew the value of English but why did he want the Bengali sons and daughters to stay away from English? History will demand an answer from him. I have read quite a few newspaper editorials especially by Mr Ram of Hindu and Mr Ashok Dasgupta of the Bengali newspaper ‘Aajkaal’. I have one thing to say – Basu is generally praised for his Land reforms, i.e. sharecroppers got the right to land. Well Mr Ram and Mr Dasgupta..if you go back to history you will find that it was not Basu who did this…the seed was sowed well before his tenure..But he was given all the credit. Ok, even if we for argument’s sake accept that he did that…after that what? All those poor people who got land were converted into CPM cadres (most of them became rich by dubious means) and we know how the cadre strength worked for three decades for the benefit of the communists. And it in turn unfortunately created one more divide. The haves and the have-nots. CPM had everything while people not following their party line didn’t have anything. Trinamool was born driven by this factor only…and thanks to the communists now we have two monsters pitched in a deadly battle in Bengal. Mamta gang vs Buddha gang!

And in Basu’s tenure what was the growth of the state? Negative. What about healthcare? What about Education? Why did Calcutta turn from an intellectual city to a lifeless city? Mr Dasgupta you know it better so why just you cant write the truth. Yes Basu was free from corruption (his wife owned huge properties though) but the case rests there. As a CM people judge you by the growth parameters in the state…not by some red idealism however excellent it might be.
Mr Dasgupta you have lived your prime…Mr Ram same for you. But right now what you say doesn’t matter…it’s the young generation who will decide not you guys.

Mr Basu at the best can be called as the victim of his own system..the politburo machinery. But he was one of the founding members…and in lot of circumstances he took the moderate path but had to tow the party line because he was a complete party guy! He was a moderate but without the willpower to apply his moderate thoughts. Buddha inherited a bad legacy.

Right now the future of Bengal looks extremely bleak. The lady who is waiting for the CM chair has very little to offer except her big talks and ‘Ma Mati and Manush’ funda. She has taken all those things which the communists under Buddha tried to abandon – The Bandh Culture and street politics. And the communists seem to be hell bent in tackling her in their old ways…an eye for an eye! And look who is gaining – the Maoists! God bless the Bengalis. We have breathed the air of Bengal. It still remains a Golden state only if people had the eyes to see it and appreciate it.

Anil its pathetic. Do something!

Reliance is a real big company and everyone knows it. But then what is the definition of a big company? Depends. If you are talking about money then yes it is a shit large company…billions! If you are talking about integrity…well my personal opinion is they have nil. What you don’t believe me right? Just look at those two fighting brothers and their mother with that accomplice, their late daddy’s friend, our present petroleum minister. Rape of India is going on. Ok I will shut up. They are big people and I am an insignificant guy wanting to take on the Goliath…sorry! But honestly I do not like that group. The day Government of India lifts the ban on the book ‘The Polyster Prince’…that day I might rethink my position. Till then they are just a cheap baniaya company hell bent on profits and publicity. Money Money and more money. Rest is all bullshit for them.

You must be wondering why this outburst. Am I running out of topic to write? Today (unfortunately) I paid a visit to Big Cinemas for Avtar 3D morning show. And this is an Anil Ambani run company. First there was no one at the counter to give our tickets. Ninety percent bookings were Internet booking. And they knew it. But there was no one to take our booking ID and give us the tickets. The guys came some 15-20 mins before the show and by then it was a really big queue at the counter. After lot of fights and shouting we got our tickets. They had started the show despite the ticket delay from their side (Reliance is big company..they can do what they want). Now the specs given to us were not working. It was a 3D show but without 3D glasses it was a just hazy shadowy film going on. Most of the glasses were not working. Majority people inside the hall had never seen a 3D show and they were seeing the show without realizing that they were been cheated. Thanks to people like us who could catch the drama going on. We had to really shout and at the same time badmouth to stop the film…and forced them to get us new glasses. And the attitude of the Big Cinema guys! Anil Ambani you should see that personally. I am not sure if you will feel proud or not but you should thank your stars that those guys are alive…the crowd inside the hall were very decent. Those guys deserved to be caught by the collar and given a good thrashing. But then when a company bans a book just because they told some bitter truth about their founding father…you cannot expect much…isn’t it Anil sir? Donot trouble yourself. You just keep running.

But James Cameron made our day despite all this bullshit inside the hall. All the pain vanished when we got our new 3D glasses and the show finally started after all the delay. Marvelous special effects. And the 3D effect. You need to see it to believe it. It felt like you can touch the actors, the flowers..and sometimes gunshots came straight at us..as if it’s going to hit us. A must see for all! But avoid Big Cinemas please. You day just might get spoiled if you decide to be the guest of Reliance. And you don’t want to get inside some place where there is no accountability…isn’t it?

My Friend's Post Marriage Crisis - Its a situation down there!

My friend who has got recently married is now an extremely frustrated person. Before marriage he was so upbeat. Got himself a Sherwani for Rs 15000, designer shoes etc etc. And every time he got something new he made it a point to reveal their prices to me. People who have seen ‘3 Idiots’ might be thinking about Kareena Kapoor’s fiancée in the film…well he is not at that level…her fiancée was too much type! Anyway the marriage was a gala event. Their honeymoon went preety smoothly. And now almost two months are over post marriage. And he has finally started facing the music. First his in-laws including his wife is complete veg. Point is during the courtship period (his is a love cum arranged marriage) every obstacle seems insignificant. When I used to ask him how will he manage after marriage because his wife is a strict veg he used to say “Koi nahi. Paneer tikka ke sath daru pi lenge”. And now his entire life is made of panner and sag sabzi. His mother who earlier tried to convert him to a veggie has found a perfect weapon to demolish his extreme chicken eating habits. Bahu is giving an able company. Second problem is bahu’s cooking. Once in a while her wife cooks some “tasty” dishes. Now the problem is those dishes are not tasty at all. And he was idiot enough to tell her “This is shit. It’s not like the same dish my mother used to make for me. I cannot eat so much”. Guys hope you can imagine the crime! This is pure suicide. You are not supposed to tell your wife (who are generally in charge of the kitchen) that she has cooked bad food. Grow Up! Even initially I used to make this type of stupid mistake but then I was always a ‘dramabazz’ character. My friend unfortunately is not. So his life is spiraling into total chaos daily. And to top up his pains every Sunday he is dragged to his in-laws place for lunch and there he has to digest three four dishes of panner with various sag sabzi. His entire shit has become paneer like. And he constantly bores me with all this nonsense complains. Boss what the hell can I do? I am also married. And you need to handle your marriage in an intelligent way. And there is no tutorial to lead a happy married life. You learn it with time. Every time he complains to me I give him my stock reply “Sabur karo beta. Sab thik ho jayega”. Hope every thing becomes all right. I sincerely pray that he starts eating tandori chicken again. But I fear this might not happen. Instead he might become a ‘frutarian’. People who have seen the movie ‘Noting Hill’ will remember that Frutarians are those people who only eats fruits and vegetables which fall on the ground ‘dead’. They donot pluck fruits etc as that is considered a ‘murder’. And the way things are progressing with my friend that soon he might be a ‘Frutarian’. God gibe him strength. Let us all pray for his well being. Ah men! One more thing. My friend looks like a classic case of the following verse:

“Before wedding
you are my heart, you are my love’
After wedding
‘you get on my nerves'.”

Teenso ka Liya. Pure Leather!

Reading “Riders to The Sea” by JM Synge in college was my formal introduction to the literary concept of universality of emotions. Simply speaking, I am referring to ‘emotions’ and how these emotions are same for every human being. The grief that Maurya witnessed when one by one all her sons were devoured by the sea is universal. It’s a mother’s pain in losing her children. And this pain is felt by every mother in an equal amount irrespective of location, social standing and nationality. The same thing applies for happiness, love, anger, hatred. All kinds of emotions are same with all of us. But the distribution of wealth is not equal and here lies the problem. Some are born rich and some are born poor. Just like some road dogs are lucky to find a home. Majority don’t. I constantly wonder why does this happen? Why such grave inequality? Man was born in God’s image….well then why so many destitutes…and so many rich people despite been big time crooks are living comfortably? It’s a stupid world…the more you think the more painful it become.

I know you are dead bored by this philosophical bullshit. So let me say what I want to say. A little thing happened at office today. Nothing eventful but it touched me. I was having a glass of water at the pantry area when the Xerox guy came for a cup of tea. The pantry area had quite a few office boys and peons. They shouted almost at the same time “Wo dekho. Charan ne nayi jacket pehena hain”. Ok! The Xerox guy’s name was Charan. And he was wearing a navy blue wind cheater kind of a jacket. Charan gave them a big smile and pointed at his shoes. The peons looked downwards and again exclaimed collectively! “Jute bhi naye!!..kya baat hain Charan”. Charan looked at them smugly and told “Teenso ka liya. Pure leather”. Has he gone crazy? Got a pure leather shoes for Rs 300!! I looked at mine. Four times costlier and I am not sure about the purity of the leather!

So you must be wondering what is the point in this Charan episode. Well I have two observations to make. First one related to my ramblings regarding the concept of universality of emotions. I have a friend exactly like Charan. Whenever he wears anything new he keeps smiling the whole day and asks everybody to give him new pinch. Once I pinched him so hard that these days before saying ‘new picnh’ he adds ‘aram se pinch kariyo’. The happiness at wearing something new is same as that of Charan. And my friend’s salary will be like 15 times more than what Charan earns. The way Charan is happy at his Rs 300 ‘pure leather’ shoes is the same way my friend becomes happy when he wears his Puma or Lacoste. Same type of happiness despite one earning 15 times more than the other guy!

The second point is regarding me…How I have changed over the years. When I first came to Delhi from my small town I was a different guy. A guy who could never imagine that shoes might someday cost me Rs 1500. A shirt will someday make me poorer by Rs 1000. Initially I was so happy wearing ‘sasta’ stuff. Sasta is not the right word gut using it anyway for lack of a better word. These stuff I carried with me in my suitcase from my home…my two pair of shoes (one I got during my university times), few shirts sewed specially for my Big city trip by our family tailor, few trousers…etc etc. I wore them initially. But soon I could realize that I was becoming the center of attraction for all the wrong reasons. Everybody was wearing attractive dresses. I was the odd one out. I used to oil my hair…people in my office geled it. Soon it started becoming embarrassing. And finally the city gripped me. Or may be I was gripped by the glittering façade of the phony city life. Soon I was spending times inside various trial rooms. My tastes changed. I was no longer interested in hometown shoes and clothes. It looked ridiculous. I changed my entire getup. And I still remain the same. Wearing clothes which I don’t want to wear but have to wear because everybody is wearing them. If I don’t I will be called the ‘odd one’. I don’t like it. I feel a prisoner. I want my old life back. I want my simplicity back. But it’s easier said than done. You might be thinking what drama is this. But believe me it’s no drama. People who come from small towns to big cities will agree that the city changes our soul, thoughts and outlook towards everything. I am sure Charan would have never said in his younger days at his village ‘Teenso ka liya. Pure leather’. It is the city which is making him talk like that. He is a puppet in the big scheme of city life. And most of the time it’s not for the better. All that glitters is not gold. The city glitters. Intelligence lies in ignoring it. But I am not Intelligent. Hope you are!

How does it feel to save a life?

How does it feel to save a life? Obviously it feels extremely good. But how does it feel to actually save a life yourself? This is a tough question. You actually need to save a life to answer this question. Few days back if I would have been asked this question I would be without an answer. But today I know how it feels. Humbling, satisfying and extremely heart enriching.

I got this experience last weekend in a freezing Saturday Night. My friend from Faridabad came down with his newly married wife to our place for dinner. He had got a bottle of Teachers Highland Cream as a gift for me. These days Dionysus, the Greek god of wine and intoxication is extremely happy with me. For the last few weeks I am been treated with expensive booze for one or the other reason. Thanks Almighty. Keep it going. We were having a good time inside our cosy drawing room. Outside it must be like 5-6 degree…icy cold. Suddenly there was a muted barking outside. Initially it looked like the barking came from inside our flat. But we don’t have any Dog. My friend’s wife quickly opened the door. A little puppy was standing outside…shivering. It has come all the way to the second floor climbing the stairs. It wanted to come inside. My better half threatened to kick me out if the puppy came inside. So had no option but to keep it outside the door. She got a roti, tore it into small pieces and gave it to him. But it was not interested in the food. It kept on shivering. His eyes were wet. The cold was killing him. We got to make him feel warm..only then he might survive the night. I got a small towel from the kitchen and tied it around his shoulders. We could sense that he felt a tad better but not enough to stop his shivering. My wife gave me a big towel..the one which was generally used for dusting our furniture. It was preety thick and soft. I was overwhelmed by this gesture! Women’s heart afterall! I wrapped the towel around him and picked it up and came downstairs to our garage. My friends also accompanied me. My wife located the best place near the garage…a three side covered area. I placed the puppy there with the towel properly wrapped. The roti pieces were given to him. My friend asked should we give him little Teachers? We decided not to get so much excited. After few minutes the puppy felt better. He looked at us with satisfied eyes and started eating the roti. Victory! He is no longer going to die tonight from this freezing cold. Death has got defeated tonight!

Started 2010 with a Bang!

My blog has been abandoned for long time now. Apologies my dear blog! I never forgot you but it’s just that my priorities shifted a bit temporarily. In life priorities change! But you have nothing to worry. You have the first right in my heart. It was a momentary affair. But to be honest with you there is someone extra in my life. My new DSLR. This long time dream got fulfilled on new year day itself. So I was dam busy with that. Hope you understand Bloggie!

I know you must be curious how was my new year weekend. It was rocking from the moment go! Exaactly at 12 I had little scotch and burst some firecrackers at my balcony. My wife and CJ scolded me for polluting the environment. And in a minute the entire society started bursting crackers. New year time! The right to celebrate! Both of them went quite. I smugly enjoyed my drink at the balcony. It was chilly. Shivering. But who cares! Its new year! I should have been careful. Right now I am having a very high fever. Few moments of fun in the cold....leave it. Its new year. Sab chalta hain!

We made a quick one day trip to Rishikesh on 2nd January. Thanks to my Travel writer friend and his luxury car, our very dear ‘Santro’. Very few people can match my friend’s driving skill! Kudos to him for making the tour so much fun and enjoyable. We started off with the agenda of visitng Rajaji National Park but ended up at Rishikesh. The dense fog screwed our vehicle speed and we got late. As a result and our cottage booking got cancelled. The guy at GMVN never told us that the tele booking remains till 4pm. I have memorized his name - ‘Gildiar’. This world is a small place ‘Gildiar’. We surely gonna meet sometime! And I’ll show you the cost of giving half information. ‘G-I-L-D-I-A-R’. Anyway It’s new year so let me keep my anger aside. The entire year remains for my anger.

The visit to Ramjhula and Ananda Spa were mind blowing. Didn’t get much time to roam about but the tour was crisp and full of treasured moments. I should have come to this place in my younger days. So many gori mems in search of nirvana – well demand for Yogis and Babas are huge over here. All you need is a little bit of oratory skills and the art of persuasion. And the pleasure if all yours! Am I taking like a devil? Yes I am. Its new year buddy!

And yes i have made my resolutions. But then whats the point of narrating them when i cannot fullfill them. Wish you all the best for your resolutions! Stick to it.