Admi kabhi budda nahi hota!

During my university days we had Abdul Chacha manning the campus canteen. He was very old (probably more than 70) but very energetic. He used to go mad when somebody made foul comments against the food or the quality of tea. Most of the time we used to comment bad things about the food just for the sake of tormenting chacha. He used get angry and shouted at us proclaiming that we have lost our taste. But it was when someone commented about poor quality of canteen tea that he got real angry. So when one told that the tea was not good and chachajan was getting old and was no longer able to supervise the tea making process he got extremely angry and shouted “admi kabhi budda nahi hota”. We used to laugh and say that yes men never grow old, they just get young. He used shout bullshit at us. It was fun! In our final year Chachajan started developing some mental problem and soon was seen more in his small dingy room than inside the canteen. His histrionics increased with each day. Most of the times he remained agitated and kept shouting “Admi kabhi budda nahi hota”. He went mad. He was very dear to everyone of us despite all the shouting, scolding and his bullshit chatters. We all did our best. In fact the entire university prayed for his well being but unfortunately he passed away.

But then why I am narrating this. Actually the thought came from one of reader comments in an online news portal regarding the ND Tiwari sex scandal. That reader had written “Admi kabhi budda nahi hota. Long live Tiwari”. I don’t know if he wanted to praise Tiwari or wanted to tease him. But I am sure if Abdulchacha was alive today he would have loved to meet this shameless state governor and tell him his trademarked line “Admi kabhi Buddha nahi hota” accompanied by a tight slap at Tiwari’s penis…hard enough to puncture his balls.

What Tiwari has done (by sleeping with three women) is scandalous! We wonder how can a governor do such a thing and that too at such an age…man he is 86! He is no Bill Clinton! But then if you look closely at the video he is doing nothing. You can still find it in youtube. He is just enjoying what those girls were doing to him….caressing him orally. I guess even Viagra failed to straighten his instrument so he had no other option but to enjoy passive masti. Direct action would have been dangerous for his heart..and neither he was fit for that. But Kudos to Tiwari! This is the land of Kamasutra! But Tiwariji you should have done this masti outside the Raj Bhawan. Raj Bhavan becomes brothel house for you...not good Sonia ma. Do something.

The day you die (its near) Abdulchacha is will catch you. And you will hear multiple rounds of “Admi kabhi Budda nahi hota”. Just evade the slap at the balls! But then you never had any!

Not going to Kerala. Sad but True.

After hours of online research at various travel forums, endless discussions, and with lot of dilly dallying, I have finally called off my trip to Kerala. The cancellation hurts but then sometimes it’s better to listen to your head than your heart. I was planning this trip in Feb 2010. Before I start defending my reasons behind my cancellation let me first highlight the reasons why I planned this trip in the first place. The first reason is obviously our company guest house at Munnar. We have two suites available at the Yellapatty Bunglow at Munnar, which employees can book for a maximum of four nights. Munnar is a nice place and lush green. And green attracts me like water attracts a duck. So when one has the opportunity to avail such a nice bunglow free of cost inside a captivating tea plantation, one is bound to get a little greedy. And after endless attempts and lot of troubles I managed to book four nights at Munnar. I took great satisfaction in telling my entire near and dear ones about this booking…that this is Rs 6500 per night room and it is free for me. In fact I forced people to listen to it. I told everyone that I am going to Kerala in February. Kerala Kerala here I come!!

The next reason is the backwaters. Honestly, even the biggest critic of Kerala will admit that the Backwaters, especially during sunrise and sunset are mesmerizing. And both I and my wifey wanted to see it.

The last reason was few Kerala episodes in my favorite program ‘Highway on My plate’ on NDTV Goodtimes. For the uninitiated, this show is about two hungry people scouring the highways of India in search of local culinary delicacies. The two guys (anchors) Rocky and Mayur had an amazing time inside Kerala. The cuisines they tasted were mouth watering. I am extremely jealous of these two Guys! I feel they have all the fun in the world while I rot in my office desk. I hate them. I will strangle both of them. Why not? They have the job which is mine dream job. Travelling and eating free. Ah! What more can a mortal ask from allmighty? So I wanted to enjoy what they enjoyed in Kerala. Ya ya….you are right…the competitive spirit. If they can I should too. Why should they have all the fun?

So far so good. Now why did I cancel? The reasons might look shocking to you all but to each his own. And you have to respect my points. Democracy. Don’t forget!

The first reason behind the cancellation is the stupid airfare. From Delhi to Cochin the lowest price air ticket quoted Rs 4500…that too in one and a half months advance booking! So for two the return airfare comes to Rs 4500*4= Rs 18000. I guess it’s on the higher side…at least for me. Last year I didn’t get a hike…and my salary went down a bit…the company tricked its employees playing the recession card. Sorry for grumbling. Coming back to the topic…well airfare was beyond affordability. And train will take two whole days that to after spending a little over Rs 2400 for a 3AC ticket. Too much! No affordable way to travel for me. I looked at Bus options but gave up the search in few minutes. I will grow old by the time I Reach Cochin.
The next reason is seeing loads of pictures of Cochin via google images. I have spent twenty years of my life at Haldia. And Haldia has a big port. Besides I have done lot of trips to the sea courtesy my school friend whose father had few fishing trawlers. So the sea at Cochin didn’t excite me. For people coming there straight from Rajasthan…it’s a great ‘Oh my God…so much Water’ situation. For me it was just a sea with dirty water. I have seen better beaches at Digha and Puri.

Munnar was exciting. Such lush green Landscapes excite the hidden poet in me. But then my travel writer friend directed me to similar landscapes near home. Nainital, Palampur, places around Manali have better landscapes. I compared the pictures with Munnar. Yes they are similaralthough Munnar has a little upper hand but then considering the huge distance and the expenses it calls for….well home is where the heart lies I guess!

The other reason is the various discussions I read in http://www.indiamike.com/. This online travel forum is one of the few respectable India centric travel forums. And there is a lot of discussion, hotels reviews, travelogues related to Kerala. Strangely most of the users discussing about Kerala are not Indians. Let me give you an example. A guy from UK have asked in one of the discussion thread regarding some good budget hotels in Fort Kochi area. There are total 21 replies. And twenty replies are from Foreigners – Russia, Australia, Canada, Toronto, USA. Only one reply is from a guy whose location showed as Mumbai. I went deep to unearth the reason for this. After some thorough research I realized that Kerala was never projected as a tourist destination to its fellow countrymen…to us, Indians! The state is more interested in Dollars than Rupees. Almost like Goa. And here lies the problem. I am unwilling to go to any place where Indians are not much welcome. I think ‘not welcome’ is a bit harsh when Kerala is considered but then this was the impression after browsing lot of hotel websites. Most have their prices in $...you need to convert it into Rupees.

So I have decided to cover Rajasthan, Himachal and Uttarakhand first and then proceed further. Kerala has to wait for some time. You might think this is a classic case of “Grapes are Sour” case. Probably it is. But then I simply cannot afford such expensive stuff at this stage. So dearest Kerala you enjoy the dollars while I enjoy more value for money stuff near my home.

I tried to copy Saif and got beaten black and blue!

Ok..now this is shameful but I wil not hide it. At least not with my Blog readers who tolerate my nonsense...you all are my real friends.

I got beaten (black and blue type) by my father 5-6 times during my entire school life. And this was one such instance. I went to my Aunty's house in my ancestral village for a marriage. Now her son had an Orchestra band. I called him the 'bandmasterdada'. I was the only kid in the house who was labelled 'the town boy'. People in villages respected the town guys! Not sure if the respect is still there in these times. Anyway my bandmasterda asked me if i can dance. There were lot of young kids inside. And yes one beautiful girl was there too. She was the youngest daughter of my Aunty's neighbor. Anyway i was angling her...people who donot know what angling is...well it is basicaly staring at the beauty. Trying to draw attention through the eyes. Once mastered its deadly! So this was an opportunity to impress her. And blood is warm when one is in high school. I gleely told yes...i can do super duper hit dance. Bandmasterda played this Safi Ali song "Pass wo ane laga jara" in his deck. If you remember the song you must have noticed horrific lustful pelvis thrusting throughout the entire song. And i was doing exactly that. And my dad entered the room all of a sudden. He was completely an uninvited guest. And the moment he saw me dancing like that he got the shock of his life. I cannot blame him. Any father will get upset seeing his only son copying those 'pelvic jhatkas'. So he caught hold of my ears and gave me quite a deadly few. Unsatisfied he caught hold of my hair and again gave me few more. Shameful chapter in my life. Wish i could meet that girl now whom i tried to impress. But I have no idea where she is. Must be happily married with two kids! And i have never done any pelvis thrusting after that. Once was enough. :)

With love...Your's Maggie!

If you ask today’s young generation what food they take most of the time, the maximum answers are likely to be 'Maggie'. Yes that very two minute noodle! Kids love it. Bachelors swear by it. Seniors admire it. We all love it. I have virtually grownup eating that. Different types of prepared Maggie – the essence remained the same. In the eighties it was Parle G. And in the nineties it was Maggie. In today’s highly competitive ready to cook market, Maggie still holds it position. Long live the Maggie!

I have a friend who says that Maggie is American shit. Shit? Yes, the advertising that happens is extremely persuasive. But shit?? No I disagree. He compares Maggie to cornflakes. In America loads of corn is grown and somebody has to eat it. So they have made something called cornflakes and have made so much advertising, which is backed by this and that nutritional data that corn is now a regular breakfast in the entire US and even parts of UK. I have also heard lot of people say that having too much Maggie is bad…its made of maida, has artificial flavours this and that. Boss few weeks back a reputed TV channel was showing how our Indian farmers use chemicals in vegetables. One guy was injecting some chemical inside the brinjal…and in minutes the brinjal turned deep purple!! What kind of Houdini act that was? The PC Sarkar farmers are too busy raking in profits and are least concerned about our health. And we have no FDA in india! At least Maggie do not have such harmful chemicals. And anyway our entire Indian life is a complete screwed up thing. The more you think on these stupid things the more closer you go to utter madness. So let’s not blame Maggie. For those who complain that Maggie cannot be eaten twice….well you got to improvise, invent, innovate. Fry some onions, tomatoes, capsicum, chilies and carrots. Put those into your Maggie…you have a delicious dish ready. You can experiment with eggs and chicken also.

And if you are fed up with Maggie you can try the ready to cook pasta. And if you are more adventurous you can cook pasta fresh. Hundreds of recipes are available online…just search a bit in google “pasta recipe”. My favorite is fry onions, capsicums, tomato and put boiled pasta in it. Stir is for few minutes and the put tomato sauce and Pasta sauce (I use the mushroom flavor). Add little water and dhaniya…and in few minutes you have pasta ready. Try this. But honestly it’s complicated. Better add some vegetables in Maggie and enjoy it. And do not worry about health. Health is not wealth but wealth is health. I mean if you donot have food to eat how can you be rich?

Please excuse me for this mumbo jumbo…actually I needed to write something because my head was well…it was itching inside. Now it’s gone. And you cannot expect anything better from me..I have gone back in the 90s…I was litening to the song “Gutur Gutur…Char gaya upar re” from Dalal before writing this. So totally in a kabutar mood! But now I am feeling good. And all the credit goes to you for your patience in reading this Gutur Gutur stuff. God bless you.

The Ignored Informers

When somebody says ‘Spy’ you instantly remember James Bond. When someone says ‘Informer’ nothing comes to our mind. Spies are glorified while informer has a very boring ordinary existence. Why? Cause anybody can be an informer..you me everybody. I am specially talking about the police informers here. From the Autowala to the chaywala to the sabziwala…anyone can inform. And there are professional informers too…people who get paid by the police for informing about various upcoming sinister events. This is no less risky than spying. Informers get killed. They flirt with risk. But no one holds them in much esteem. Spies are more honorable. Unfortunately our world literature and society as a whole have never given these informers their due recognition. I have never come across a novel which has an informer as a protagonist. And even if the plot does have an informer he or she is killed and is just a character. Nothing else! I know you must be thinking why the hell I am so obsessed with an informer. Reason is today I saw one. Let me explain. My travel writer friend ran away early and I had to come back from my office all alone. No luxury car ride for me. I didn’t want to wait one hour in office for my Alto to come. So I decided to take the bus again. Last time I encountered a biri smoking crackpot tauji. And it gave me stuff to write. So this time decided to take the bus again hoping to encounter something interesting again. Besides budding writers need to travel more in public. So started walking towards the bus stand. Like every evening just opposite the Toefl coaching center were lot of police jeeps. And lot of policemen both in uniform and plain clothes were chatting with various persons. One of them at the other side of the road was taking cash from a truckwala. This is normal. I don’t know what happened to me but I decided to stop near them. I ordered a cup of tea and tried to overhear some conversations. And I was successful. A conversation was going on between a police and a shabbily dressed guy.

Police: You are sure!
Shabby Guy: Malik bola na! kal pakka wo ayega. Kam to karma hain usse. Kitna din aur gaon mein rahega. Parsu gari ke liye salim ko advance bhi diya.
Police: Pichli bar tune gadbad kiya. Time waste karwaya usne.
Shabby guy: Malik isbar khabar mein koi lafda hain hi nahi. Befikar rahiye.

Then the policeman left the guy alone and walked to the opposite side of the road where an animated conversation was going on between the policeman and the truckwala. The shabby guy waited for sometime and left. I was done with my tea and decided to proceed.

I am sure this guy was an informer. I wish I could have followed him. I wish I could know a little more about the conversation they were having. Who was the guy that will come tomorrow? A gangster? A robber? A carjacker? Or…my imagination created various images…everyone with a gun!

So what do you think? This informer is no less than a Spy isn’t it? The risk is no less than spying. But the credit these guys get are nil. God bless the informers. We are safe because of them. One more thing. Do not get so inspired that you start informing your best friend’s bedroom secrets to your close friends. That’s sabotage.

I want to vanish through an Orgasm.

Woody Allen…the quintessential writer director actor…My favorite! Below is a typical Woody Allen stuff…

"In my next life I want to live my life backwards. You start out dead and get that out of the way. Then you wake up in an old people's home feeling better every day. You get kicked out for being too healthy, go collect your pension, and then when you start work, you get a gold watch and a party on your first day. You work for 40 years until you're young enough to enjoy your retirement. You party, drink alcohol, and are generally promiscuous, then you are ready for high school. You then go to primary school, you become a kid, you play. You have no responsibilities, you become a baby until you are born. And then you spend your last 9 months floating in luxurious spa-like conditions with central heating and room service on tap, larger quarters every day and then Voila! You finish off as an orgasm!" — Woody Allen

Amazing… God pleaseeee give me this life…I want to live my life from Death to Birth. I want to vanish through an Orgasm. Shakespeare would have been extremely embarassed if he had read this. Woody seems have taken a potshot at the bard's 'Seven ages of Man' in As You Like It. Jaques Buddy! Your melancholy is working no more. You have lost your job to Woody buddy!

Technology? Hell or Heaven?

Technology is engulfing us. And they will enslave us soon. That’s what Pritish Nandy’s article “Flee the tech prision” in today’s TOI claimed. Prirtish is extremely frustrated that he can no longer calculate mentally…he needs the calculator..he can no longer remember birthday’s…needs the mobile’s reminder feature. He is a victim of technology. All the points he raised in the writeup are valid…but then valid conditionally. What is good for a guy might not be good for another guy.

As far as I am concerned I have no problems with technology. In fact I love technology. I was always a lazy bum kind of character. The pen and paper is a pain in the ass for me. Before computer arrived in my life I was ok with writing on paper. But once I got the keyboard………….hoooaaaaa…..khata khat khata khat…tak tak tak…backspace…tak tak! Delete! I experienced freedom! The power to write and delete without harming trees. Classical writers please excuse me. I have nothing against writing with pen…in fact I still have a gold tipped fountain pen but then I do not have any ink. Nobody stock ink these days in shops. So my fountain pen is kind of useless…just with me for pure memory. This pen was gifted to me by my uncle. It’s a costly pen. And it is also the same pen which I once used to splash ink on one of my classmate’s shirt. And I did this when his mother was teaching Chemistry. And I got caught. The kind of punishment I got…exemplary! Such an anguish over just few drops of ink?? Such a cruel world it is for creative kids!

Now with advent of technology people are no longer using ink pens…so no more chance of getting ink stains on shirt. Good thing right? People are also no longer using rims of papers thereby saving trees…again a good thing…right? Mr Pritish has argued that technology has robbed him of his mathematical skills. Well that very same technology has improved my mathematical skills by leaps and bounds. I was always weak in maths...always looked over the shoulders…hope you understand! But now I use my cell phone for every calculation. I buy vegetables and ask the guy “Kitna Hua bhai”
He says “Alu 20…pyaaj 40…tomatar…….bhendi...eksaw challis rupay”
And I calculate parallely with him. And I do it super fast. I couldn’t have done it so fast mentally. Thanks to my calculator in my mobile. So the very same technology which is disturbing Pritish is helping me.

Pritish says that Google solves most of his questions…he has no more need to browse for answers in books..no longer necessary to mug up facts. Isn’t it good sir? Now you can utilize the time for more reading…probably you can now read few more classics..probably online. Then Pritish says that he is now no longer required to remember important dates…his phone calendar makes him remember all the dates. Sir do you know that once I had forgotten my anniversary date and my wife refused to speak to me for half the day! And after that day I loaded my mobile with all important dates…birthday, shadiday, holiday to deathday….all possible days! And I am happy.

One thing that Pritish sir could have highlighted is the encroachment of technology in the bathroom. And I would have totally agreed with him. Maybe he is comfortable with it. Five years back when I came to this big city I had a tough time in my office bathroom on my first day at office. For a small town boy it was never possible to imagine in his wildest dream that a tap can start working once you put your hand beneath it. And I was stranded in the bathroom after coming out from the loo unable to wash my hand. I had to wait full ten minutes before a guy entered. I didn’t want to show that I am not able to decipher the tap puzzlw. So I kept looking at the mirror observing myself. He must be thinking what a crazy nut I was…looking at one’s self like that! I observed him putting his hand below the tap and Viola!! Water flowed out. God God God! Did you ever imagine this when you were creating the world? And the moment he was out I put my hand below the tap and washed my dirty hands. Please dearest engineers and innovators! I request you not to get so much creative. Keep certain things as it is. I will go mad if some creative stuff happens inside the loo.

Indian Think Tanks! Useless!

The origins of think tanks are rooted deep in history. It has served the Romans and the Greeks excellently in their functioning and day to day policy affairs. The Greek dramatist Aristophanes tells us that Socrates taught his pupils not only thievery and disregard of the law in his Athens ”workshop”, but also the fine art of turning weak arguments into strong ones. Think tanks are institutions of political research, analysis, and debate, and are generally non-profit, independent nongovernment organizations. They generally transfer the knowledge to the political arena and advice the government in various spheres, from foreign policy, to defense to internal affairs; it contributes in a wide range. Universities generally focus on teaching and basic research. It is the think tanks that help bridge the gap between the world of ideas and action. In today’s complex rapidly changing globalized world, the importance of think tanks have increased exponentially.

And how is our dear country India performing as far as quality think tanks are concerned? The answer is a big zero! It is lagging behind by zillions of miles. Recently Singapore’s Lee Kuan Yew School of Public Policy sought to answer the question: ‘Can Indian think tanks and research institutions cope with the rising demand for foreign and security policy research?’ The answer was an emphatic ‘No.’ So you can easily guess the pathetic situation in which our country’s think tanks are at present. This is a serious concern. It is not that we do not have think tanks. According to a study by the Think Tanks and Civil Societies Program at the University of Pennsylvania, India is home to around 422 think tanks, next only to US. But problem with our Indian think tanks is their efficiency. Most of them are highly influenced by various ideologies and cannot give an independent opinion. Majority of their funding is done by the government and as the government change, the taste change also. The need of the hour is independent efficient think tanks which will be funded by a common fund irrespective of any government change at the center. And there should be a judicious mix of former bureaucrats and industry magnates. Unless different ideas clash, it will not result in proper idea generation. Autonomy is one more issue plaguing our Think Tanks. They should be made independent from political influence. Else the very idea of Think tank gets defeated.

Without think tanks India cannot match up with the big competitors like China, Brazil and South Africa. But to kick start the process of efficient think tanks our political system first need to appreciate the benefits of think tanks. But with so many goondas and uneducated crooks occupying the political space, the future look bleak. You cannot expect Mayawati and the Yadavs to appreciate the benefit of a think tank. But I am optimistic. We have lived optimistically since independence. We shall be able to live with it for years to come.

Lets support this Modi initiative

Mr Narendra Modi has made voting compulsory in local body polls in Gujarat. And as with everything in India...as expected people opinion are divided. Some think it is great while some feel this is bullshit...a stunt! A pure political gimmick. India is seriously a strange country. When a bad thing happen some people will be always there to say ‘nothing bad has happened’. And when a good thing happen some people will always say ‘nothing good has happened’. I guess most of the time people oppose just to oppose and be at the other side of the line to hog the limelight. I support Modi in this. And I sincerely think voting should be made compulsory across all types of elections in India. Modi despite all the blemishes once in a while does some excellent stuff. And this is one such excellent act. Mr Arnab Goswami of Times Now is Modi Basher. He has genuine reasons but most of the times he just gets overboard. Today Arnab got some real embarrassment when he was interviewing Modi in the newshour. He asked Modi that as voting is compulsory now, citizens should also be given the right to reject a candidate and cast a blank vote. Arnab never expected Modi to say “Yes”. Unfortunately Modi told that the passed legislation has the option of casting blank vote. A voter can reject all the candidates if he/she wants. Now this is really a path breaking move. Arnab after hearing this answer told that everybody is saying this is a political gimmick as Mr Modi’s party never pushed this law nation wide despite been in power in quite a few states. Then Modi again embarrassed him by saying that Advani has raised this issue lot of times at parliament. Modi stole the show and had the last laugh. I have nothing against Arnab. He is a terrific guy and very passionate about news…a great anchor and host. But he should get over his Modi phobia. This is India. If his mind is still occupied with Godhra episode….well one needs to move on. We have no other way but to rely on the judicial system, however inefficient it may be. Good to see that Modi has found a big supporter of compulsory voting in his biggest enemy Lalu Prasad jadav. Lalu told that compulsory voting should be extended to Rajya Sabha and Lok Sabha. Point should be given some serious thought Soniaji.

Lets support this Modi initiative. And I sincerely request our Congress queen…sorry our prime minister Manmohanji to comeup with some kind of legislation to make voting compulsory across India. Most of the companies give a holiday on the Voting day. But most the people do not vote. They prefer to sit at home and enjoy. These people should be punished. Those who do not vote should not also have the right to crib later that we have bad politicians. As you sow so shall you reap. Madam are you…Oh sorry…Manmohanji hope you are listening!

An Excellent Party!

Yesterday evening I attended my wife’s annual office party. The venue Worlds of Wonder, the entertainment park beside the Great India Place mall. It was a nice cute party with extremely friendly people all around. Initially I was a bit hesitant to go. I had a few hours of work at afternoon…this is extremely rare but once in a while work do pop up on Saturday. So was feeling like going to sleep but then decided to accompany my wife…was not feeling like staying at home alone. Besides I had heard loads of good things about her office folks, especially her boss and the country head. So was a bit eager to meet these two guys. And I met them at the party. They are extremely nice and cheerful. One is bound to feel comfortable in their company.

Dhol Bajdaa!!

This is scary!

Monibou and Toufi going to experience "free fall" soon!

Unlimited rides were one of the attractions of the party. I enjoyed the Disco ride and the car ride. The Disco ride was too much for my nerves. It was a classic case of heart in mouth situation…fucking scary but thrilling. The speed at which it was throwing us from one point to another was too much to bear…I felt that my head if going to crash once. After this ride decided not to take any more ride. This was enough to last a lifetime.

Unfortunately I was not able to find my whisky brand at the party. I generally prefer Teachers or BP these days. But found my university days’ brand there…Royal Challenge. RC, OC and Old Monk were the brands we could afford that time. Decided to take that. It was a good feeling, which can’t be explained in words. When you have something after years you are bound to feel a little excited. Good old hostel days. I missed my roommate Gopal. He was a big time RC fan who preferred to have it nit always even in summers. Later I realized that my brand was there. But the problem is I never asked. The food was tasty.

I encountered few gate crashers at this party. This is the first time I saw gate crashers. Generally read about them and recent Obama gatecrashers only made this subject more interesting. Two young couple entered the buffet area and enjoyed their food despite been caught by one of the office employee. Such shameless creatures. I guess the attraction of free excellent food is so much that the fear of getting caught and embarrassed in public do not affect them much. Shameless Salahis!!

Parting ways with TOI

I have finally decided to stop reading TOI. TOI aversion was going on for a long time. I am a subscriber for this newspaper for the last five years and I have been a loyal reader. But honestly it is slowly loosing the capacity to excite me. May be I am dull and so not been able to appreciate the finesse. Whatever I pay for the paper daily and I have the right to be happy. My father used to subscribe to all sorts of odd Bengali news papers. I revolved against it because there were no cinema news, no pictures of cricketers….absolutely nothing to keep a teenager hooked. But slowly I realized that newspaper is for information. It’s main task is also to enlighten and not entertain. That’s what my father believed.

I was never exposed to English newspaper much apart from Telegraph. When I came to New Delhi five years back I could find neither Telegraph neither The statesman….papers which were hugely popular in Bengal. So I subscribed to Times and kept reading it for the last five years. But now no more. Why? Well for the last one year, thanks to Internet, I am reading Hindu and Indian Express frequently. And the recent Political Advertisement scandals highlighted by The Hindu and pushed by Indian Express have only increased my TOI hatred. TOI editor (if they have any!!) has a simple formula. Whatever news the paper publishes it must bring revenue. At the end of the day its money honey. And other newspapers like HT are no less.

Besides I am now fed up with two people’s write-ups in TOI. Bacchi Kakaria and Jug Suraiya. People well past their primes only trying to write to sound young and hip. Nah! Not my types. Jug used to write impressively years back. No longer. And Bachhi. She is always writing complicated stuff…sometimes on phonetics..sometimes on ethics and whatnot. Overall essence remains the same. If you cannot convince just confuse. I am in no mood to pay money every day and in turn get confused.

Recently with the advent of Chetan Bhagat getting a big editorial space every Saturday….sorry TOI, its better we part our ways. It's almost criminal to waste main editroal space by having an article written by some one who has run of ideas and busy writing about his love marriage, keeping in mind potential Bollywood script! He writes without knowing what his objective is. Like today he wrote a huge stuff on the problems of Indian Education and supply demand mismatch. And his solution is if you can have a kilometer wide mall why you can’t have a kilometer wide University. Well Mr Bhagat. Get out of Mumbai. Go deep inside India. You will see highways lined up with colleges after colleges. It's not the size of University which matter. There are lot of Kilometer wide Universities. For example Vidyasagar University (I studied here) in West Bengal. Such huge is the campus that two T20 match can go on comfortably with adequate spectators. But quality.....well agreeable. You have never highlighted the root cause of the problem of Indian education system. It is the lack of passion and utter neglect from the part of teachers. And it’s also the stupid political system which wants the country to remain a little backward. Infrastructure is fine but unless you know how to manage it its back to square one mate. You have studied in an IIT and IIM. So you will not understand what I am trying to say. UGC appoints the best brains (rote memory champions) as lecturers. And they are least bothered to teach inside the class. Teaching outside the class if more profitable for them. And Mr Bhagat. You keep beating around the bush. Try to acquire some guts and do some finger pointing my dear ‘best selling author’. If you think like you are the messiah of Indian Youth then do not write to please the editor and play to the gallery. Gets the facts out of the closet. You have got a chance, which people dream of. Use it. The country will be obliged if you do it. But then unfortunately you write for a entertainment paper called TOI. Even if you want you cannot. It is a paper full of Blackberry and laptop totting journalists. Paycheck matters more to them than their journalism.
Time to say goodbye TOI. Au Revoir!

Trying to be Chivalrous!

Today after a long time I took the bus on my way back home. Every Friday my travel writer friend generally leaves early. The TGIF mood overpowers him so much that he runs away from his office at 2pm! Wonderful life he has. And that’s the life of an honorable senior manager…when the fuck I will be a manager like him?? I also want to leave at 2pm and relax.

I decided to take the bus today as I didn’t feel like paying Rs 100 to the auto. And the other important reason was I was not having proper winter gear to face the chilly wind of Delhi winter in an auto. So decided to play safe and take the bus. It will be a time consuming ride but at least it will be warm inside. I got into a minibus after waiting a long time for the government bus. The green AC buses plying on the roads looks very attractive and I wanted to try it out today. But despite waiting for almost half an hour no bus arrived for my route. Government punctuality. So unwillingly I got inside a rickety minibus and took a seat at the back. Most of the windows were half broken and a good quantity of biting wind was playing with us inside. A tauji was smoking a biri. Nobody told anything. I kept quiet. The biri smell was disgusting. The seat behind him was vacant. At sec 18 two girls fully loaded with books boarded the bus. They sat behind the tauji and unfortunately could not digest the strong biri smell. They coughed and tried to shield the smoke with their dupatta. The very people who ignored Tajuji’s smoking now got Vocal. One told him mutedly to throw the biri. Another guy joined. Then another. The Tauji looked ferocious and did not listen to any one of them. I looked at the girl. She was preety. And I remembered my Chivalrous Travel writer friend. Today morning a group of four beautiful girls were trying to cross the road. They were medical college students. It was a two way road and no car was slowing down. My friend slowed his car down and signaled them to pass by. Now this is what I call gentlemanly behavior! A true Knight! Chivalry man…the way to a woman’s heart.

“Abe biri phek de tau…logon ko parisani ho raha hain” I told in a loud voice uncontrollably. Fuck! I didn’t want to tell this. What the hell happened I don’t know. Tauji looked back with Red eyes. “Kaun hain” he boomed.
“Yaar logon ko parisani ho raha hain…phek do na malik” I told politely. Mind the word ‘malik’. I mewed in fact. He was too strong compared to me. But my chivalry was intact. The girls are having a tough time with the smoke. And somebody need to protect them.
“Nahi mujhe biri pina hain. Mein piyunga. Jo karna hain kar le”. He shouted.

Now I was not prepared to get deep inside. I could have told him more but it would be useless. I cursed my travel writer friend for running away early and pushing me into this mess. The girls looked at me. I looked out of the window. Luckily the conductor intervened. He was also a big guy. He put his hand on Tauji’s shoulder and told him to throw the Biri away. His tone was fucking scary. Tauji complied without a word. Such is a power of a booming voice. I looked at the girls. They were not looking at me.

And soon it got very boring. The speed of the bus was anything but inspiring. Suddenly it increased its speed and started running like an injured bull. The conductor told the driver “aj Rao ki gari ko ekdum side mat dena. Dekh lenge aj salley ko”.

The bus stopped at sector 37 bus stop for a long time. The girls got down. There were around ten buses waiting at the stand and all were going in the same route. And each bus conductor shouted at the top of his voice wooing the passengers. Lot of adjectives were used…super, superfast, rajdhani. Finally the bus started. And again it was a boring ride. After almost an hour I reached home.

Did I enjoy my bus ride? Honestly No! But then if beautiful faces are inside I am game. Only condition is there should be no Tauji.

What the hell is happening at Copenhagan??

I really do not understand what the hell is happening at Copenhagan. Why are we wasting time over there? Nothing is going to materialize. The fucking Americans are not going to reduce their debt driven consumption and their stinky emissions. And the poor countries want money from America to cut green house emissions. What a joke! America never agreed to Kyto protocol and the “Polluter pays principle”. So they wont agree now also as usual. They will continue their consumption and emission..afterall they have 745 cars per 1000 person. Some reduction might happen on paper as everybody seems to be obsessed with green even in the US....but their intentions are doubtful. America's overall consumption and spending will go on. And China with all their hype and hoopla will continue to provide the debt to America. Both need each other badly…both their fate interlinked. Europe seems a little serious but without Japan and US on board…well you cannot expect them to act. What has India to gain from Copanhagan? Nothing apart from public speaking skills for Mr Jairam Ramesh. Mr Pachuri is also there at Copanhagen…our homegrown big shot Environmentalist. Mr Pachuri I have something to say to you. You are a water melon. Green from outside but red inside. To hell with you. You guys are just escalating this carbon thing so that the “green” market which is presently miniscule opens up. Instead of bringing the real issues, the global leaders are fighting over who pays how much…who gains what. And Mr Obama. I have never seen such a trick star like you….Mr Yes We can! You were supposed to be a Climate champion..somebody who loves mother earth. President ban gaya to bhul gaya sab kasme irade! You are no less than our Dirty Indian politicians. I guess Lalu Prasad Jadav is better than you than as far as Carbon footprint goes. Your carbon footprint is too high. Off late there is also a rumour that forums like Copanhagen is all bullshit. The Michael Crichtons of the world inspired by ‘State of Fear’ are saying this is a conspiracy to ruin the west and other rich nations! Amazing. But the wheel of change is roating! What goes up comes down! India China needs to get together. I sincerely believe that these two countries have the power to change things for better. The west had ruined the world twice! Not this time. We have the resources. We have the energy! We have the youth. West is old...haggard decaying. Forget them. They will die slowly. We need to create our own future.

I wrote some amazing bullshit today isn't it?

Thats Crazy!!

Today I read a supremely funny and interesting news in the Times Global page. A newlywed couple’s bed was rigged and a message was sent to the micro blogging site Twiter every time they had sex. The bed was rigged by the ‘Bestman’, who knew the couple quite closely. A pressure sensitive pad was put inside the bed sheet, which was connected to a computer. So everytime it sensed pumping jumping, a twit was sent. And this twit had all the details starting with the start time, end time, force and even a so called “frenzy index”. Man that’s crazy! And to top it all there was also a Judge’s comment!! Points were awarded based on the performance. It emulated everything of a hit reality show. I sincerely pray that this news gets ignored by our Indian television producers. The way Indian reality shows are popping up, I won’t be surprised if I find Rakhi Sawant and her Canadian hubby participating in a live bedroom late night masala show. The Mahajans and company can also pitch in! Anything is possible! So friends beware! Check everything before you decide to enjoy in the bed! And please keep it dark. That way you can possibly fool the hidden camera if not the ‘pressure sensitive pad’! And keep an eye on your close friends as they are the ones who generally have these ideas! You want privacy in your bed isn’t it?

Mood Off Buddy......

Not in a mood to write today. Yesterday I got a “jor ka jhatka”. I am now the only guy working in the information management section of our research team. My colleague yesterday suddenly announced that he has taken a release from the project and is joining a different project. He was looking for some other project silently. I was completely surprised when I heard that he is leaving. Good for him. I have to handle things all alone from now on. Not a big deal! I have always responded to the so called Call of Duty. I will deliver! have done tougher things before. But the only issue is I will be completely alone…nobody to discuss things...nobody to chat a bit..nobody. But such is life! Everyone works from Kolkata while I am the lone ranger from Delhi…kind of Last man standing. Only good thing is that my boss at Kolkata is a nice person. OK I know you not interested to read this personal ranting and blah blah…so let me stop this.

Let’s talk something interesting. Two interesting things! First one is something I read in the newspaper today related to Copenhagan chaos in progress. USA has 745 cars per 1000 person while India has 12 and Bangladesh has just 2. I consider myself supremely blessed. I own a car. And so are you. In India we all who own a car need to bring our carbon footprint down. I guess the way petrol prices are inching up we will soon be forced to take ‘passengers’ in our cars. As far as I am concerned I am clean. I share a ride with my travel writer friend. So we both are carbon free. But we see lot of people driving big SUVs all alone. These guys need to be caught and penalized. But then I guess I am sounding too harsh on our Fellow Indians. We just have only 12 cars per thousand! What about the bloody Americans? They are lecturing us in Copanhagen to reduce our carbon footprint! Come on Obamaji! Our carbon emission is 93% less than yours. First set your own house in order and then lecture us. I think Indian government is doing its bit. There is hope in the form of Jairam Ramesh. All my support is with him. Sometimes he does a bit bakwas..but its fine. Without bakwas he will cease to be a loving Indian…no offence but little pagalpan is fine. Between us.

Second interesting one is regarding an American commentator. I have always considered theses Americans to be crazy people. People who do not have any morals, ethics and are outright greedy! People who are continuously screwing each other. Wife not gelling well with Husband, son finding solace in the arms of a prostitute, daughter more comfortable partying naked than spending time at home. Kind of crazy society..Pole dancing all the way! Ok my view may be blurred...once in a while who doesn't like a Poledance? The serious problem is with their views? An American commentator called Glenn Beck today in Fox News has told that our sacred river Ganga ‘sounds like a disease’. He said: "One big river they have there, that sounds like a disease. Come on, it does. I mean if somebody said, I am sorry, you have a really bad case of Ganges." His program also aired a clip of an American women saying that healthcare in US is fucking costly. She had gone to Delhi to get a surgery done. This surgery if it was done in US would have cost her around $40-50000. The commentator justified the high price by saying Doctors in US were trained in elite institutions like Harvard while doctors in Delhi were students of some college like ‘Garja Raja medical college’. So obviously there will be a price difference. Stupid! Isn’t it? This is America. Bloody bloodsuckers! Unfortunately most of the Indians feel blessed when they land in US. And most of them do not want to come back. They want to be citizens of USA. That’s what one can call patriotism! Sare jahan se Achha…USA humara.

No Magazine! Its Scotch For You!

My friend has returned from US without getting me the things that I had requested for. I had told him to get me a copy of ‘The New Yorker’ and ‘New York Times’ paper. Although these are available online but feeling the real things is a completely different experience. So had requested him to get these for me. But he decided not to buy them because he couldn’t digest the price. Both of them cost $5. So it like Rs 250 in our Indian currency. According to him, paying 250 bucks for a magazine or a paper is a criminal offence. Milions of people are without food in India and it will not be morally correct for me to spend such a princely amount on a magazine or a paper. So he decided not to buy them. Instead he has got a bottle of scotch for me. When I asked him what about the hungry poor Indians….he told the bottle is food for the mind and the soul and cannot be counted as wastage of money! What an argument! I checked the bottle for the price. It was costly!! When I asked him why did he get the bottle which is so costly he told that a similar bottle in India will cost around Rs 5000 or a bit more. he got at almost half the price in US. So it was profitable. And besides he has read (where he has forgotten) that Khuswant Singh drinks Scotch regularly. And he is a famous writer. So as I aspire to be a writer this scotch will do me wonders in my literary journey. Amazing viewpoint and insight! So much concern! I guess that is why from my childhood he still remains my best friend!

Ab mein ja raha hu Talli hone! Bhar mein jaye writing shiiting. Bhar mein jaye duniya….mein talli mein talli mein talli go gaya…………….

Me and My Minimax!

One thing that I have always been denied in my childhood is Perfume. My mother always used to tell me that perfume is the student’s worst enemy. It robs the urge to study and makes the mind wander. And I couldn’t say much! So I used to satisfy myself by using Lux. In fact I used to rub it hard! Twice, thrice..at least some fragrance should come out! Till class VIII things went fine but soon it got difficult for me to resist the urge of wearing some kind of perfume. Most of my friends used it. I dreamed of perfume day and night! Rose, sandal, lavendarm…jasmine…When will my day come?

In class IX when I went to my Grandpa’s place during my Puja vacation, I got myself a bottle of Agaru. I did not buy this. Neither can you call ‘Agaru’ a perfume. It is basically a kind of Holy perfume used in various Pujas, specially Durga puja. My grandfather who was a priest had ample stock of these Agaru bottles. The smell was more or less ‘Temple’ like – something similar to the Panchavati incense stick mixed with something else. I cannot explain. All I can say is it was different. Something which had enough punch to make you stand out in the crowd.

I started using this. My friends laughed at me smelling this ‘holy’ smell. Luckily the smell was there for an hour or so. Unfortunately I got caught. I was such a fool that I used to keep this bottle in my school bag. And one day the bag fell from the table and the bottle broke. And soon the entire flat became the abode of ‘holy’ smell. And the source of this smell was split wide open. Strangely my mother did not scold me. Neither my father. My father who at the slightest pretext liked twisting my ears let go of this wonderful opportunity. What’s wrong guys! My mother told me politely not to use ‘perfume’. Everything comes at a time. And when I grow up I can use lots of perfume. Nobody will stop me. Then she told something interesting from Rabindranath Tagore’s childhood. Rabindranath was born in a rich Zamindar family. But unfortunately all throughout his childhood he was denied pockets! I mean his pants didn’t have pockets. His father instructed their home tailor not to make any pocket in his children’s trousers. He felt that pockets are wastage of clothes. It’s simply not required! The values of frugality was imbibed deep within little Rabindranath from an early age. I put my hands inside my pockets. I will not allow anyone to deny me my pockets! I didn’t get the finer point. I lacked intellect.

Like a Cat, soon I forgot all the ‘gyans’ from my parents. I started using my father’s after shave lotion as perfume. And this time when I got caught my father twisted my ears. Both the ears. At highschool I finally mustered enough courage to buy a small bottle of Minimax perfume for Rs 5. Again I got caught. But this time nobody told me anything strict. Mother just told me to wait till the time comes. Till I get established and start leading my own life. She didn’t take the bottle away. I don’t know what happened to me but I never used any perfume after that. I still have the little ‘Minimax’ bottle with me. In 2005 when I came to Delhi for my first job, I got the bottle with me. I applied it once only to find that this perfume is not at all suitable in this megacity. People kept staring at me at my very first day at office! Thanks to Minimax! The smell was too strong. It was more like ‘Ittar’ than a proper perfume. I tried experimenting a bit. Got some cheap stuff from the local market. But realized they are not the ‘in’ thing. Unfortunately there was no one to guide me to the world of perfumes. It was simple trial and error method. Soon I got introduced to the thing called ‘body spray’. And I got an ‘Axe’. I liked the smell but not a single girl got attracted. The ‘Axe’ advertisement claimed something similar. Then I moved on to Park Avenue. Then to Lomami…finally settled for Playboy.

Today after five years I have almost a collection. Nothing too expensive but I have enough of varieties in my stock. But the bottle of that Rs 5 ‘Minimax’ remains! Its smell makes me remember my childhood, my hometown, my school, and everything that accompanied me lovingly towards my transition to adulthood.

Inside the mind of Google

Today I saw a program in CNBC called ‘Inside the mind of Google’. And I am afraid. I am terribly afraid! All my online secrets can go public anytime. Well I have nothing to hide! I am an honest tax paying citizen. I am not affiliated to any banned organization. And I am straight too. But then once in a while I have searched google for sizzling stuff. Who doesn’t man? But then if this kind of information lands up in my close circle…well its embarrassing. Even you, my friend is not safe. Your secrets can come in the public too. Nobody is safe…nobody. And this is all courtesy Google, which is arguably the world’s most powerful company. How come most powerful? Well, it deals with data…highly sensitive data. We live in the age of information where knowledge is power. So if I know more than you I am powerful. And Google knows more about everyone than anybody else. So it’s the most powerful. Correct?

Google stores the search ‘strings’ we use. It stores it for 18 months tagged to the IP of your PC. And after than it moves it to anonymous category. So if someone asks Google who is the person in India searching the most for kinky stuff online…or who something else...well Google has the answer. Any question, The answer is with Google! You may shout ‘Hey this is Blatant violation of privacy’. But who cares buddy? The emails you send, the chat you do over Gtalk, your orkut activities, and now the new Google Wave. All are getting stored. And Google says they are doing this for research and fine tuning their codes. So far so good. But what if this data gets leaked or falls in the wrong hand. Till date Google has taken User Privacy very seriously. But what if few years down the line it just decides to change its policy. And any company is not built to last. What then? In the US Google is bound by law (Patriot Act) to share any information about any individual or group if the government demands. And it is also bound by similar laws in other countries. What if the Government misuses the data? Eric, Google CEO in an interview told that Google will share the data with law enforcement agencies if required. The user can be sure that his private information will not be misused. He is absolutely safe. Google respects user privacy. But if the user has done something wrong Google can possible share the info. If the user has done something, the user shouldn’t have done it in the first place itself. Interesting view!

A lot of User rights activists are saying that Google is sharing user data covertly with various companies. Might not be true. Might be true. I am nobody to argue on this. But today when I decided to open a Facebook account an interesting thing happened. After giving the basic information and my email is, Facebook prompted me to add few friends who I might know. It gave a list of 25 people. And I knew each of them. How did they do it? I had given my gmail id as my login email. Did it get all the information based on this email which is again linked with Orkut? How did they access my gmail? What the hell is going on! I have deactivated my Facebook. I will deactivate my Orkut too. I will start writing letters once again. No more scapping and emailing. Pen is mightier than Google!

Poor Bhagat!

Don't Chop it off Dude!

Chetan Bhagat is a furious man these days! His royalty check is going down day by day. And he blames it on piracy. Come on Bhagatji! Your book officially costs Rs 90. And in book stores and online it’s available between Rs 60-70. So printing pirated copies of your book does not make much sense Sir! Your recent book ‘Two States’ is simply not worth reading. So people are not buying it. Period. Your own BPO crowd seems no longer interested in your hype and hoopla. Poor You! And the way you twittered about Piracy and blocked people who supported piracy…Oh man grow up! Its simple supply and demand economics at work. I give you a small example. You know Amitabh Ghosh I believe. His books are generally priced at around Rs 400 (Don’t fall from your chair. Literary bigshots don’t sell their books at Rs 90). And pirated copies of Amitabh are available for Rs 100. I have two copies of them. Why did I buy it? Cause I could not afford the original ones Mr Bhagat. You think me to be an inferior person…right? That’s what you told in twitter..its something like “if you do not have the capacity to buy a book do not buy it. No point in pirated book. It kills the Indian creativity and makes people look west ward”. Mr Bhagat why don’t you tell this to the crooked and greedy publishers. Does it really cost that much to print a book. So Chetanji, if someone offers a product which is almost similar in quality with the original at 1/4th of the original price….shouldn’t I buy it? Tell me? There is a website called http://www.ebookee.com/. Visit this website sometime Mr Bhagat. You will understand how piracy helps! There is a Photography book which I always wanted to buy…was not able to buy because it was priced at Rs 2500. In ebookee.com this book’s pdf version was available for download. Free. I downloaded it and read it. And I am happy. I know somebody might be upset because I didn’t buy the book. But then they have priced it so high that even if few copies sell its enough profit for them. So Bhagat grow up! And next time try to write beyond your IIM. Enough of it! We all are fed up. And price your books below Rs 20. It’s genuinely worth that money.

My Grandpa's Gift

I miss my grandpa. I am sure everyone misses their grandpa. And for a variety of reasons. Some miss their jocund company, their constant love, their ability to console us when things look bad and scary. And the naughty kids who are now grownup might miss them for the constant shielding they gave against the parents, who were hell bent in making them study. I miss my grandpa for his huge stock of stories. During every school vacation I used to go to my mother’s hometown. And i always found grandpa waiting at the bus stop…arms wide open. I was his pet. Every night before sleep he used to tell me stories. Stories of numerous ghosts he had encountered in his life time. Stories of those ghosts who were still staying in the nearby mango trees, in the surrounding bamboo trees around the pond and also in the Banyan tree which was just at the entry point to the house. I was awe struck. Every morning I used to go near those trees and observe them closely. Grandpa told that in morning the ghosts simply vanished in the air. They start getting their shape with the sunset. And when the sun is gone for the day, they come back to their respective shelters. Children who did not listen to elders were taken away by these ghosts. Children who did their studies well were given various gifts. I was convinced. I was a very convincible kid. Out of sheer greed to get a gift I used to finish my vacation homework daily. And grandpa also told that those who read storybooks were ‘good kids’ according to the ghosts. And he got me all kinds of Bengali storybooks from his school library. I used to read them devotedly. Initially I didn’t like to read but soon the reading bug bite me. And before I could know I had turned into a voracious reader. Every night I used to sleep thinking tomorrow I will get the gift. Finally I got the gift. One winter morning I got up and found a toy pistol beside my pillow. I ran to my grandpa. I ran to my Grandma. I ran around the house jumping up and down! Oh the joy…the jubilation! Even the people who win the Oscar or the Noble are not as ecstatic as I was! After breakfast I ran through the entire village taking the pistol with me. I showed it to everyone. A gift from the ghost. Some laughed; some encouraged me to do my studies well so that I can get more gifts. I kept getting various gifts every year. This went on for few years. Soon I was old enough to catch the trick! It was my loving grandpa who was playing the good ghost. The ghost who encouraged me to study. The ghost who inspired me to spin yarns. The ghost who made me understand that the book is the man’s best friend. I was taught by my grandpa that anything that your mind can conceive, you can have. It's a reality.

Twenty eight years of my life has now passed. My grandpa is now seventy five. Still going strong, full of energy. I have moved out of my home state long back and now meet him once a year…that too for few hours. Life has got busy for me. But then a man needs to earn his living. Today more and more, when I single out the person out who inspired me most, I go back to my grandfather.

And God Bless the United States of India!

India is in the process of becoming USA….sorry USI. Confused? USI stands for United States of India. Well it will remain a democracy but it will be no longer called the Republic of India. Now if this happens will it be good for us? I don’t know. But one thing I am sure it won’t be good for the country as a whole. Only the politicians and their families will benefit from this. There will be more Chief Ministers, more departments, more expenditure…but then we honest tax payers really don’t have much to do. I guess we lack energy in bringing about the change we need. It’s the classic Catch22 situation. Everybody wants to do a ‘Rang de Basanti’ but who will bell the cat?
Kudos to that opportunist K Chandrasekhar Rao. His party morale was at all time low. His political future was at under the cloud. His back was against the wall. So what he did? Just went in a hunger strike! And look at the lovely Congress leadership under noble Soniaji. Instead of tackling the situation iron handedly they readily agreed! Ballabhai Patel must be crying! Our home minister was more concerned about this Rao’s health than the health of India. But then how can he show concern for the country? Just dive deep and you will figure it out yourself how he won his election! So after the 11 days of fasting, Rao has got what he wanted. He deserved to die but then GB Shaw has rightly told ‘God is the greatest comedian of the earth’. Instead of death, Rao has got a separate Telengana state. The 29th state of India. So simple pressure tactics have worked with the central government. This congress government can take decisions very boldly these days. There is no opposition. BJP is too busy putting its house in order! Hey Ram!

Now as an Indian I do not want to debate where the formation of Telengana is justified or not. Cause if I say this is not justified there will be thousands of arguments thrown at me including the one which will proclaim how Telengana region was brutally exploited by people from Andhra. And honestly they may be true to a certain extent. You cannot clap with one hand…right? But the concern is if today it is separate state for Telengana, tomorrow it will be some different state. I guess Subash Ghisingh is already chalking out his plans for Gorkha Land. It’s going to be easy for him. All he has to do is fast. I agree it takes courage…fast unto death is not easy. But then most of these politicians are not suitable for anything apart from their old shitty politics. So better to die than going jobless and beg. So we Indians should be prepared for many more independent states in the future. The politics of internal partition of India is very dangerous for unity of the country. But then who cares. The Chinese and the Pakis must be mighty pleased seeing this Telengana development. In fact Chinese must be scolding the Pakis saying “You see you just wasted our billions developing those nuclear bombs. You do not need nuclear bombs to screw India. They have enough people inside their country to screw it up. Return our money”.

So friends gear up. Be prepared. It’s high time we be ready for a new development – “United States of India”. God Bless you! And God Bless the United States of India.

Biometric Pain

Mr Chidambaram what have you done sir? Why are you trying to change things for better? You were a much loved person as a finance minister. Now as a home minister you are (I guess) the most hated person in the government circle. The Maoists already hated you.( you are always up their ass). And now your very own government employees hate you. Why have you done this Sir? Why the hell do you want to introduce ‘Biometric Attendance System’ in government offices? Why do you want to track these employees’ attendance? They are so used to signing in the register, which is so difficult to track. And now everyone is protesting. Employees in most of the government offices are breaking these machines…or putting glue inside the sensor. They will sabotage this noble effort of you sir…they will. The noble professors are also not happy. How dare you question their commitment…they are teachers sir….teachers…Nation Builders. Why do you want them to spend a certain amount of time regularly inside the classes? This will make the students more intelligent sir, which in turn will fuel the GDP growth….not good Sir..not good at all. Let them enjoy their life Sir. They only have one life to waste. They are used to it. If you push more they will go to strike and the students will suffer. Delhi University Teachers Union are already contemplating a strike! Leave the useless sarkari karmachari alone Sir…please. These useless idiots are good for nothing. And we tax payers are used to it. Don’t jeopardize our life in this way…cause I know the kind of person you are you won’t quit this biometric initiative so easily. And ‘strikes’ are inevitable! And we will suffer.

Sir if you are really serious about ‘Biometric Attendance’ then do us a favor. Terminate those employees who do not want to comply. I know riots will happen…political pressure will be upon you to terminate your Biometric plans. But please do not quit sir. These government employees are so used to taking their pay cheque without doing anywork that they wont put their hands down easily. But I am sure with your iron resolve things will fall in line. So fire a few of these Sarkari Karmachari. Start with those ghost employees of MCD. Start it sir. Firing is the best way. We tax payers will support you fully in this. To make our country a better place we are ready to bear the temporary pain. Jai Hind!

Can we have this fundoo product Mr Banker?

My travel writer friend is getting extremely impatient these days. He hates this big city ‘Delhi’ and wants to break free from the ‘stifling corporate life’. But then to pay the bills he needs to go on. My condition is kind of similar. But I can’t do this so early. He has reached a stage where he possibly can take a call. Today he told me that he wants to live in a small village up in the mountains. A village where everybody knows everybody… a place where the entire population falls asleep by 10pm…a place from where he can see the snow capped mountain blessing him every morning. The perfect place where he can write his novel uninterrupted. But then to live this kind of a dream life one needs to have a constant flow of income. We are not Ambanis! So I told him to take a pension plan and keep investing heavily over the next 10 years. And keep his exposure to equity at high level. He should be able to have a good corpus even at an average growth of 10% per year. Equity gives good returns over the long term. But the problem is Inflation.


Inflation is the monster which eats away everything. Look at the food prices growing astronomically every week. The humble potato quoting Rs 25 per kg! How will my friend sustain? I think there should be a product which will take care of the inflation. Like a bond which gives…say 6% post inflation…the inflation can be whatever amount...the rate of returns remains at 6%. So if inflation is at 12% the rate of return is at 18%. I guess no bank has the balls to devise a product like this. Inflation is something on which hardly anyone has control. How can they factor that in their product? But then I ask why not? You bankers and the Investment Bankers (now almost extinct) guys are speculators…So speculate guys! Charge us money and gives us the product! I bet that if a product like this come in the market it will be a huge hit…specially with the senior citizens and people nearing their retirement. A 5 year fixed deposit can look attractive at 8% but with inflation shooting to 10% the return turns negative. :(

Is anybody listening? Can we have this fundoo product Mr Banker?

Have you ever run away from your home?

Have you ever run away from your house? ‘No’ is the answer……..right? Most of the worldly people never runs away from their house. But some have the achievement to their credit! And I am one of them! You must be thinking Achievement Huh! Yes… I believe it is an achievement. You need extreme guts topped with loads of frustration, anger, shame, rebellious mindset to achieve this feat. It’s a cocktail of red hot stuff! And once like many others I had this cocktail! How was the taste? Well you need to run away from your house to know it.

I did this honorable thing when I was in the Sixth standard. This is the age when parents dream about their Child’s future. And like every other mom, my mom was concerned about my future. Oneday after seeing one of my sketch she had the audacity to dream that I have the skills of becoming the next Maqbool Fida Hussein. No No…I did not paint anybody nude! I remember clearly the day when my mother spotted the budding painter in me. It was a Sunday afternoon. Both my parents were sleeping. I tip toed out of the bed. I had nothing to do. And I decided to do a sketch to kill time. I did a pencil sketch of ‘Radhe Krishna’ together in my drawing book. Well even till today I am super confused how the hell it turned out so well! Probably when you paint God something supernatural happens! My mother seeing the painting wanted me to join a drawing school. Now most of my friends did this and that apart from the boring studies. Some learnt karate, some cricket, some were into theatre. So I readily agreed. And I joined a local drawing school. And pretty soon my teacher found me out to be pathetic with colors. I sketched well. But soon after few weeks he told us to start using water colours. And he also wanted us to do pastel colour mixing. Man it got real tough! I did a mockery of myself with the brushes. And I started hating going there. But the young teacher was adamant. He seemed hell bent in converting me in to some kind of a Pablo Picasso. Soon the exam dates arrived. Enough is Enough! I bunked my class. Those days there were no cell phones etc. So it was hard for people to find it out. I went straight to the river side and spent two hours there. I was always a nature lover. I spent around two hours watching the sparkling water, the birds returning home along with the fishermen, the sunset over the river, the salty wind caressing my face. Soon it went dark and I started walking towards my home. An uncle who stayed in our sector saw me. He was returning home from his office in his bicycle. He smiled. I smiled. No suspicion at all. But I was wrong. He told my parents that I was seen near the river side, all alone. I understand his concern…but a child should have little freedom man! When I arrived home I found my mother waiting at the gates.

“Nodir dhare ki korchilis tui eka eka” (what were you doing alone at the riverside), my mother boomed.
“I went there after my drawing class to observe the river for my homework” I tried to look poetic and sensible.
“Don’t lie. I know you didn’t go to the drawing class.”
How did she know? Ufff…mothers are too much. They are capable of catching the lie just by looking at the eyes!

And the action started when my dad came. He hit me black and blue. Told me to get out of the house. And I obliged. The power cut aided my runaway. I went out and took shelter in the nearby park. But it looked Childish! If I am hiding I need to hide in a proper place. And also in some place where people won’t look for me. (Imagine Jab We Met. Shahid and Kareena hiding on rooftop). So I went to the back of our building which had lot of trees. A canal passed through that place and there was a rickety bridge over it. I crossed the bridge and positioned myself behind a tree. It was dangerous. The place was dark and scary. But then people who run away need to be ‘daring’.

And soon people started looking for me. Every fifteen minutes I went to the other side and had a close look. I could hear known voices. All in the hunt! Sunny wanted Alive! Our house was in the ground floor. I tiptoed near the window from the back. My mom was crying. Dad was sitting with a grim face. Lot of neighbors gathered inside. Everybody had one question “Where did sunny run away? He is a kid and hope nothing bad happens to him.”

Soon my maternal uncle who was staying with us for his office work found me out. He had the intelligence to look at ‘one’s own backyard’. And I was violently brought back home. I didn’t want to return. He had to pull my ears to get me inside. And I was in. What a warm welcome I had! People consoled me instead of abusing me. My mother gave me a glass of warm milk. Wah! I never knew I was so much loved by all! So much concern! I was flattered! I promised myself that I will run away once a month. Well I didn’t keep that promise.

Today after so many years when I remember those days I feel nostalgic. What is life? Nothing but a bagful of memories that soon gets lost in oblivion. I wish those Indians who have stashed away Rs 1400 billion of black money in Swiss banks realized this.

Playing Devil For a Week!

I am getting very bad these days! I want people too lose money. I generally get this urge once a year during the Last week of November. Two years back during that time I lost Rs 35000 in few hours. I was day trading and I went short while the sexsex tanked bigtime. And I got screwed bigtime in the process. You want to know the stock name? Rei Agro! It killed me man. I bought few thousand at 92 using my leverage exposure. And it sweetly went down to 72 before I decided to sell everything off. And how lucky I was. It touched the abysmal depth of 60. Where the fuck was the circuit breaker? Bottomline this loss made me close my demat a/c forever. I promised myself that stocks are too hot and I donot have the balls to handle such hot stuff. Mutual funds are better for people who lack the balls…or should I say more risk averse?

But although I don’t trade I do trading indirectly. How? I advise my friends in office! I just give them tips....mostly during November end to celebrate my loss. And why would they take my tips? Why not? I have made an image of a guy who is an astute trader. Someone who knows the nuances of stock market like the palm of his hand. Deception is an art man! Just practice! It satisfies me so much when I see people losing money. But I do not directly advice them. What I have done is I have fabricated a story regarding befriending a young CFO in a cocktail party. As for his qualifications go he is an alumnus of London School of Economics and a CFA. Pretty respectable Huh? And whatever tips I convey...it flows indirectly… it is the CFO who has told me and I am doing a favour to everybody by sharing it. And I am a preety good story teller. I was about to enter a Film Institute as a student of “Direction and Screen Play writing”. So my skills are unquestionable! And I also believe in “if you can’t convince then just confuse”. Most of my preys fall in line when they hear CFO fundas. Too hard to resist type. Like I tell them Fidelity has picked up 28 lakh share in a block deal in xyz company. In two months this xyz company is going to be acquired by a blue chip at a huge premium. The balance sheet is not well so the company is looking for a buyer. And before anybody calls foul I stop my deception. I just do it for just a week maximum. It’s my way to celebrate my loss. You want to kick my ass……isn’t it? Kick it…I am least bothered.

My advice to all those people who trades on rumors…beware. Use your own judgment (if you have any)! There are thousands of devils like me who wants some long term fun! I am just a Kid in front of them. And you don’t want to be prey to those devils? Right?

Baba cholo na! O Baba!

Somebody whom I respect a lot had told me that if one has the destroying aspiration to be a writer then one has to perfect the art of eavesdropping. You can’t just keep imagining and make your stories…your stock will finish soon or late. And then you have to borrow from here and there. Newspapers can provide you certain bites…but then those bites are available to all the dogs like me! And it’s a dog eat dog world! So people’s conversation is the best source for your stories, for your essays, for your rantings and other blah blah. So for the last one year I am trying to practice this art. Initially when I started eavesdropping I dragged myself close to dangerous situations. Once I got almost beaten by a strong wellbuild hairy Sardarji. And what was my fault. A hot Punjabi kudi was chatting animatedly with some not so hot Sardarji. Husband and wife: pathetic combination, I was a better candidate. Anyway I wanted to overhear. They were seating in one of the benches opposite the Woodlands showroom in the mall. I positioned myself few feet away from the lady. I kept looking at the Woodland showroom scanning shoes. She was complaining about Sardarji not coming home early. The Sardarji was giving excuses. And she told that Sasuma keeps saying that Khush Khabar kab sunne ko milega. I understood what she was trying to convey. If Sardarji is not much available with the Sardarni, how the newborn will arrive! I was hooked. Interesting material for my story. And then the Sardar boomed at me “Bhaisahab! Aap tab se picche khare ho! Koi problem boss?”. I tiptoed out like a mouse. But these days my ear has become much trained. I can follow conversations from a distance! Just like I take my measurements from a distance! And by and by I have developed an Eavesdrop database! It’s fully loaded in my head! But off late I hear no more interesting conversations! Am I getting rusty? Or the world is becoming a grimmer place? Last week when I was roaming around in the Center Stage mall I overheard something extremely painful. A little kid accompanied by his mom and dad were standing in front of Archies. The kiddo probably wanted to venture in. And the dad didn’t want any more expenses. They were already carrying lot of packets! The boy seemed hell bent in entering inside.

“Baba cholo na! O Baba” the boy gushed in Bengali.
“Cant you say daddy? How many times do I need to tell you this son? Don’t say baba! Say daddy.” Boomed his father with his paunh and balding head. He was agitated.

Nice upward movement! This is what happens to most of the Indian families who leave their states and get settled in the big cities like Delhi and Mumbai. They want to forget their roots and embrance English! Made me remember my Indian friend who believes that this country is shit. USA is paradise! I think Raj should focus his “Marathi Manoos” campaign such a direction that a child can fearlessly say ‘daddy’ in Marathi without fearing his dad scolding him for not saying it in English. And I am sure if he does this he will win a few hearts!

Anyway I am continuing my eavesdropping. Yes, it is getting more and more painful. But I am an optimist! I know someday I will overhear something interesting! Something that will make you smile too!

Sufi: Bullet in his balls!

When somebody starts comparing with Arundhati Roy with the literary giant Anton Chekhov: we have a situation down here. Somebody has gone mad. And who is this mad guy? A guy called Mayank Austen Sufi. This guy is a good photographer, could be better writer and a pathetic Arundhati lover. His blog is published in Hindustan Times under the name of Delhiwalah. You can read his blog at http://thedelhiwalla.blogspot.com/. I won’t say his writing is bad but then it’s nothing better than average. He just gets over board too many times. And his besotted love for Arundhati Roy makes things worse for me. I have a friend who aspires to be the next Pankaj Mishra. Well he is more talented than this Sufi…..did I sound audacious? I don’t think so! But then why is Sufi more popular? Luck? Probably. Sufi more hard working then my friend? Again probably! But what is the main thing that keeps him much ahead than my friend….well I think it’s the energy. I admit that Sufi has oodles of energy. And when one has nothing to worry about (roti kapda makan) and tries to focus himself on certain particular thing…success comes easily. You must be thinking why I am bitching about this Sufi?? What has he done? He is successful, happy and famous! So whats wrong? Well I am jealous of him man! He is doing what I always want to do…so I have decided to torment him, to mock him, to beat the hell out of him. You know what is the very first line of this Sufi’s blog http://thedelhiwalla.blogspot.com? “The Delhi Walla's pretension in writing makes me want to lodge a bullet in his balls”, Blogger Nimpipi, the woodchuck chucks. Come on sufi……be ready for the bullet in your balls. And I am sure my upcoming Pankaj Mishra friend will join me in this useless bitching. We don’t have better things to do! I have gone mad! Now get away from this blog before you go mad. Go! Run! Take cover! I will burst all the balls!

Haircut! Finally!

Yesterday I finally had my haircut. The last time I had my hair cut was almost two months back. And my hair grows real fast. So it was kind of a jungle on top of my head. Why didn’t I cut my hair early? Reason is that mein behek gaya tha. I decided to keep long hair in order to look cool. Initially I tried my best to follow the rules. I shampooed it, oiled it, geled it, washed it, nursed it regularly. But the enery was with me for only two weeks. And I lost the energy in few weeks itself. I told myself enough is enough. I am no Bollywood hero! Neither am I a photographer! Neither am I a fashion designer. I am just a boring guy with a boring job with a boring kind of life! So no point in trying to change my boring life with some exciting long hair aping some Bollywood hero. So I decided to chop it off and get my sanity back. My hair has grown phenomenally and instead of making me look cool made me look like a walking forest reserve. And maintaining it was getting expensive and consumed too much of my fucking time! So I went to saloon yesterday to get rid of the mess. While I was having my haircut a little boy also came for a haircut accompanied by his father. His dad told him “Beta agar kuch style karana hain to Bhaiya ko bata do”. The boy got his hair styled like the style of Ranbir Kapoor in “Wake up Sid”. He looked cool. And I got lost in the thoughts of my childhood. How our local barber used come every fourth Sunday at our colony to give all the kids a haircut. We used to sit on a chair under a tree across the road while Gopal uncle, the barber khusi khusi sized our hair. Once we were done the elders got their cutting and shaving done. It became kind of a get together with everyone waiting for their turn and chatting. In the winter tea was also served by some over enthusiastic aunties. I almost fell asleep. It feels so good with the synchronous movement of the comb and scissor.

“Sir ho gaya”
I woke up startled. My face was looking like a football now with all the hair gone. He has really made it short.
“Yaar tumne bahut hi chota kar diya! Itna chota maine thori bataya tha.” I shouted seeing my hair.
“Sir apne kuch bataya hi nahi”
My haircut made me look like a Jawan ready to get posted at Baramullah in North Kashmir! But then I consoled myself thinking that at least for the next two months I will have no need to visit the salon. The boy beside me was now getting a facial.
“Sir aur kuch kar du? Shaving? Facial?
“No. This is enough!” I barked.
“Sir you have lot of blackheads! If you take facial these will go” and he pinched my nose to get some blackhead out. He showed them to me proudly.
“Chor yaar! I am now married! I have no longer the need to look good. Bas massage kar de thora sar pe” I gushed.
“Sir shadi ke baad to jyada facial karani chaiye. Competition ki jamana hain Sir! Bhabiji will feel good if you look good Sir. Kara du fruit facial. Mast glow karega skin”

“Kara de mere bhai. Kara de” I smiled and looked smugly at the boy. Buddy I will also look like you!

Ghosh the new Babe!

Rituparno Ghosh has turned in to a female. Yes! Male to Female. He is one of the few film directors in Bengal who can be branded as good if not better. At least his movies catered to that audience who were fed up with movies like “Mastan” and “Baba keno Chakor”. I liked Rituporno’s Raincoat quite a lot. A very simple adaptation from the story “Gift of the Magi”. But I never imagined his sexual orientation to change. When he did a talk show in Etv Bangla I thought him to be a little “Gayish”. My friends in the film industry say most people in the industry are gay. So are the fashion designers! Can’t understand Why? Shortage of girls or too many Lesbians? Today when I read in Delhi Times that Ghosh has turned into a female I got the shock. His photo was also attached with bob cut hair, mascara and Lipstick. She might look a hot babe to uninformed males. This photo was clicked in some recent Film function. People over there confused him with Rituparna Sengupta. Well this male to female change doesn’t denigrate his position as a film director, at least in my view but then I am just wondering about his..Oh sorry her family members. Isn’t this weird? But then we live in strange times where everything is possible. I am now waiting for the news of Rituparno Ghosh becoming a mother. And who will be the father? Perfect candidate will be some actress deciding to become a male. But who is she? Anybody’s guess. But I will really appreciate if Rakhi Sawant does the honour. She is everything but Female!!

For people who want to know a little more about Ghosh check the two links out –
http://epaper.timesofindia.com/Default/Client.asp?showST=true&login=default&Enter=true&Skin=TOINEW&GZ=T&Daily=CAP
www.upperstall.com/people/rituparno-ghosh